June 1977

The tones sounded, the dispatcher rattling off a number of rescue and engine companies, in addition to the battalion. Multiple vehicle accident, the second one that shift.

The weather had everyone driving like idiots, it seemed. It had been raining for three days straight and didn't look like it was going to stop anytime soon. This one was going to be an exceptionally bad one, from the sounds of it.

Roy took the slip from Cap and handed it to Johnny, who examined it briefly. "And on a major freeway, too. Jesus."

"Hope you weren't too excited about dinner." Roy commented. "We'll be eating at three AM."

Johnny shrugged, his mind not entirely focused on the task ahead. He and Steven had stayed in contact and had developed something of a long-distance relationship. Not that he was saying much about it at the station. He kept up a good front, he thought, still occasionally talking to women that caught his eye and going out on dates here and there.

But he had to admit that his heart wasn't in it anymore. The women he did manage to go out with were perfectly fine, and Johnny had liked a number of them. It was just as well, Johnny supposed, that most of them had ended up breaking things off after a few dates.

They soon arrived on scene, and Johnny went on automatic pilot, immediately switching to the task at hand. Cap met them as they were unloading. "Scene's at least a quarter mile long. Got another couple squads en route and a few approaching from the other end."

"Got it." Johnny nodded. He and Roy started assessing the closest vehicles. So far, there were a lot of scared and angry drivers, but no serious injuries. The further along they moved, the more severe the damage was. Vehicles were piled on top of each other, steam and smoke rising, cries of trapped victims ringing out in the grey mist.

He and Roy kept going, working with other engine companies to free trapped victims, making assessments as they went and stabilizing where they could. Time meant nothing, the only measure being the ever-growing exhaustion that was building as Johnny worked. Each vehicle seemed to be worse than the last, their means of stabilizing victims becoming less viable. Having to constantly contact Rampart only added to Johnny's frustration and exhaustion. They were having trouble getting through due to the sheer volume of calls Rampart was surely receiving.

God, there had to be a better way to do this. They no sooner got one call through than another one came in immediately after, and they'd have to be put on hold until Rampart could get back to them. Not that Johnny was keeping count, but he'd had to leave several victims behind simply because he couldn't do anything without Rampart's direction.

Now anger came in, mixing with Johnny's growing frustration and exhaustion. Hours must have passed, Johnny figured, and they were no closer to getting this thing cleaned up. He could smell the smoke and fire and something else, too, something his mind didn't want to contemplate. How many victims had been trapped in their vehicles, simply because no one could get to them?

Johnny didn't want to think about it, didn't want to think about any of it anymore. If he stopped to think, he might crumble right there, and he couldn't afford to do that. Not when so many still needed him and his fellow paramedics.

"Johnny?" Roy called out. "Need a hand with this one."

Johnny pushed his thoughts aside in favor of assisting Roy. The engine guys were already using the jaws and the porta-power to free those trapped inside, and as the metal creaked and groaned, the glass cracked and shattered, Johnny spotted something. "Stop!"

The machinery stopped, and the scene was eerily quiet as Johnny focused on the object caught between the seat and the dashboard.

"Is she okay?" The driver had regained consciousness, panic rising in her voice. "She was right next to me. She loves to see out the windshield. It's the only thing that keeps her from screaming. Oh God, please tell me she's okay."

Johnny had an awful feeling deep in the pit of his stomach, that knot that always formed whenever he had to deal with these calls. He wanted to assure the driver that whoever it was would be fine, just fine, and not to worry.

He was sure that wouldn't be the case this time.

Roy was trying to calm the driver in that usual soothing voice of his, the tone that always seemed to settle a panicked victim as Johnny slowly pulled back what had once been an infant car seat.

He immediately wished he hadn't. There was nothing he could do for the infant inside. The infant had been crushed between the seat and the dashboard.

Johnny swallowed hard, glancing over at Roy, trying to send him the message of please don't tell her.

"Now, ma'am, don't you worry about that right now." Roy immediately picked up Johnny's message, a brief flash of horror crossing his face before it was replaced by that mask of professionalism. "We're gonna get you out, and then we'll see to your little one, okay?"

"Okay." The driver nodded, blinking hard and swallowing. It was just as well that Roy had put the cervical collar on her and she couldn't turn her head. She didn't need to see that.

Neither did Johnny, but that was all part of the job. He should be used to it by now.

He shoved the previous scene aside and moved on, knowing that Roy wouldn't be far behind. It didn't improve, and Johnny knew the closer they got to the origin of the pileup, the less likely it would be to find anyone alive.

The smoke was more intense here, the smell of fuel and chemicals heavy in the air. One of the other paramedics greeted him with a shake of his head. "It's all recovery from here, Johnny. No one left to save."

And there was that sinking feeling again, the same one he'd had when he had discovered the infant crushed against the dashboard. He shuddered at the image that was now etched in his mind.

Roy soon caught up to him, looking as exhausted as Johnny felt. "Recovery?"

"Yeah." Johnny answered with a nod.

Roy let out a heavy sigh. "Best get to it, then."

The grey afternoon slowly gave way to dark, the rain starting up again as the rescue crews worked together to do what they could to recover the remaining bodies from the wreckage.

No, not bodies. Johnny could never think of them as mere bodies. They were still people, had families who had loved them, who would grieve their loss. But he had to admit as they pulled increasingly unrecognizable forms out that he couldn't imagine how anyone would be able to identify them.

The coroner's office would have a hell of a job ahead of them.

Finally, their part in the recovery operation was done, and he and Roy started the long trek back to the squad. It was dark and quiet, this part of the freeway still closed down and traffic rerouted. Not that there would have been much traffic at this time of night anyway.

Tow trucks were still hauling vehicles away, twisted and burned out wrecks, and Johnny couldn't help but think of all the people that had once been inside them, how they had just been going about their business on a rainy afternoon when that semi-truck jackknifed and burst into flames.

He knew they weren't supposed to make it personal, that they were supposed to shove the previous call aside and move on, but Johnny was having a harder and harder time doing that lately. All the bad calls seemed to pile up on each other.

No wonder he was so goddamn exhausted all the time.

They climbed into the squad, and Johnny picked up the handset, pausing before he hit the call button. He knew what he was supposed to do. They were done with this call, available for another one.

But Christ, couldn't they breathe for just a minute? Couldn't they acknowledge the horror of a scene they had just worked? How the hell were they just supposed to move on?

It was a question Johnny found himself asking far too often these days.

Johnny pressed the call button. "L.A. County, Squad Fifty-One available."

"Squad Fifty-One available." The dispatcher responded.

Johnny replaced the handset and settled back into the seat while Roy drove. He could hardly wait until they got back to the station, and he could tumble into his bunk for a few hours, though he knew sleep would be a long time coming despite his bone-deep exhaustion.

Roy backed the squad into the bay and shut it off. The engine wasn't back yet, so it was just the two of them in the dark and the silence until Roy finally broke it. "I thought that last big MVA we worked was a bad one. This one…God."

"Yeah." Johnny answered quietly.

The silence stretched out between them. What was there to say? The scene had been utterly horrific, almost apocalyptic.

"Roy?"

"Hmm?"

"You ever get to thinking that, you know, maybe you'll hit a point when you can't do this anymore?" Johnny asked. "Like, maybe it'll all be too much, the death, the destruction, the…well, everything."

Roy stared straight out the windshield, his expression turning thoughtful. "Think a lot about what you said a while back, when we were getting ready to take that recertification exam."

Johnny thought back to that moment, how even then he was starting to have his doubts about continuing on as a paramedic. "Still holds true, mostly. I don't wanna go back to riding an engine. But I don't know how long I can keep doing this, either."

Roy took a deep breath and exhaled, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. "Thinking about going for a captain's post. More money, and maybe a chance to not be so up close and personal to…this."

The fact that neither one of them could come out and mention the actual incident they'd just worked was telling, Johnny thought. Maybe this job was wearing more on Roy than was readily apparent. Johnny had thought he was alone in that feeling. Still, to know that Roy was even thinking about leaving was painful.

"You'd be a good one." Johnny told him.

"So would you." Roy replied. "You should think about it."

"Not gonna happen." Johnny shook his head. "All the administrative bullshit we have to go through now is bad enough. You think I wanna deal with that as a captain?"

Roy managed a short chuckle at that. "Suppose you're right. But maybe being captains, we could work from the inside, make things better."

Johnny had to admit the prospect was appealing. God knows they weren't getting anywhere in their current position. But again, dealing with the administrative end of it held no appeal. "I'll leave that to you. Good luck. I mean it."

"And what about you?" Roy asked.

"I'll be alright." Johnny sighed heavily. "This time tomorrow I'll have put it behind me and moved on, just like I'm supposed to."

"I wouldn't blame you if you didn't." Roy replied softly. "God knows I'm gonna have a hell of a time getting to sleep. Gonna go home and hug the stuffing out of the kids."

Johnny thought he heard the slightest break in Roy's voice. He swallowed hard himself. Roy was right, of course. There were some calls you just didn't forget. This was one that would stick with Johnny for a good long time. "Hug them for me, too."

Roy managed a slight smile at that. "You know I will."

Johnny spotted the engine pull up and back into the bay, and he let out a long sigh. "Suppose we'd better turn in before Cap says something."

"Yeah." Roy nodded, and they both climbed down from the squad and headed toward the dorm. The rest of the crew wasn't far behind, and everyone was soon settled in for a few hours of sleep before the morning alarm went off.

Johnny listened as everyone around him fell asleep, but his own mind wouldn't allow him the same luxury. Every time he closed his eyes, it was the same image, that infant crushed and broken against the dashboard.

The infant had never had a chance. Johnny doubted the seat had even been buckled in. The more he thought about it, the more he realized what had likely happened. There had been a stack of books in the seat, high enough to prop up the baby seat.

She loves to see out the windshield. It's the only thing that keeps her from screaming.

The horrible realization roiled Johnny's stomach, and he rolled out of his bunk, all but flying to the bathroom and slamming open the stall door, making it just in time to expel what little he had in his stomach, heaving and coughing as he tried to catch his breath.

He rested his arms on the cool porcelain, breathing heavily as he tried to get hold of himself. It took him a while to realize that there was another sound in the room, the sound of someone wailing, and it took another moment to realize the sound was coming from him.

"Johnny, Johnny." Roy was right behind him, a hand between his shoulders. "It's okay. Come on, relax."

He could hear the rest of the crew in the background, murmuring in concerned tones. Christ, leave it to him to wake up the whole damn crew with his emotional breakdown.

"I'm fine." He rasped out as soon as he was able to pull himself together somewhat. "Leave me alone."

But Roy's hand never moved, a silent statement of I'm not leaving you that Johnny would surely appreciate later on but didn't want right this second. He listened as the rest of the crew retreated to the dorm, and once again it was just him and Roy.

Finally, Johnny could feel his breathing slow down, and he shifted, resting his hands on his thighs. "That kid never had a chance, Roy."

"I know."

"And we're just supposed to accept that." Johnny continued, barely hearing Roy. "Just accept that well, sometimes kids, babies, just aren't gonna survive, and there's not a goddamn thing we can do."

"I know."

Johnny looked over his shoulder at Roy, who was still crouched down behind him. "Is that the real reason you're leaving?"

Roy let out a quiet sigh. "I'd be lying if I said it didn't play a part in my decision."

"And what if you don't make captain?" Johnny asked. "What are you gonna do?"

Roy shrugged. "Same as you. Keep doing this until I can't anymore."

Johnny was quiet for a long moment, considering that. He couldn't help wondering if Roy was starting to reach his breaking point, too.

Finally, Johnny took a deep breath and exhaled. "Okay."

Roy seemed to take that as his cue, removing his hand from between Johnny's shoulders and rising to his feet as Johnny pushed himself to his feet, bracing himself against the toilet to do so.

The dorm was once again quiet as both men returned to their respective bunks and settled in. Johnny found himself thinking that it was time to put in for some vacation time to finally go see Steven in Alaska.

But he'd have to get in touch with Steven in order to make that happen, and that had been difficult lately. His assignments had taken him everywhere but this part of the country, and the phone calls from him just made Johnny miss him more.

He heard Roy shift restlessly from the opposite bunk, and he shifted a little himself, throwing an arm over his head while desperately trying to get his mind to wind down just enough to let him sleep for a while.

The images wouldn't leave him, and not just of the scene they had just left behind them. Other scenes, other rescues, other close calls and near-misses kept coming to him, and not just recent ones. It seemed as if everything he'd been shoving aside for the last five years was coming out, and he was powerless to stop it.

Finally, he gave up trying to sleep, quietly stepping into his turnouts and heading toward the day room to start a pot of coffee. As he started to fill the pot, the phone rang.

Johnny quickly trotted across the room to grab it before it woke anyone else up. "Los Angeles County Station Fifty-One."

"John?"

Johnny checked his watch. "Jesus, Steven. It's five AM. You're lucky it was me who caught the call."

"Shit, sorry." Steven replied contritely. "Screwed up the time difference again."

Johnny was so relieved to hear Steven's voice that he didn't care about the hour. "I was up anyway, doesn't matter that much. Where are you?"

"Smoky Mountains, on the eastern Tennessee side." Steven answered. "Another assignment for National Geographic."

"Yeah?" Johnny settled onto the shelf next to the phone, the coffee pot forgotten.

"Yeah." Steven replied. "It's beautiful here. More so in the fall. You'd love it."

"I'll add it to the list." Johnny laughed at that.

There was a brief silence at the other end of the phone before Steven let out a soft sigh. "God, I miss you. Feels like it's been forever since I've seen you."

"That's because it has been." Johnny reminded him. "I've been working and you've been traveling the world."

"I know, I know." Steven replied. "Once I'm done with this assignment I'm heading back home for a while. My dogs miss me, too, or so my sister says."

"Your neighbor isn't keeping an eye on them this time?"

"My sister's done with school for the semester, so she offered to come stay at the cabin for a few weeks between sessions."

Johnny's fuzzy brain tried to come up with Steven's sister's name. He remembered that she was a lot younger than Steven, and knew she was in graduate school. "Oh, right. Yeah."

"I've told her all about you." Steven continued. "She wants to meet you."

Something clutched in Johnny at that. "You sure that's a good idea?"

"Oh, sure." Steven answered casually. "I explained it to her. She understands. It's not a problem."

Johnny picked at a loose string on his turnout pants, unsure how he wanted to proceed. "How long do you think you're gonna be there?"

Another long pause. "Why, are you finally going to come see me?"

Johnny glanced out to make sure no one was coming before responding quietly. "I want to. Kinda need to get away for a while. There's...well, there's just a lot going on right now."

He wanted desperately to unload, to tell him how this job was starting to break him, but he didn't want to dump all of his problems at Steven's feet. No, better to keep the details to himself.

Steven let out another sigh. "You don't need to give me a reason. Any reason is fine with me. I should have this assignment wrapped up in a week or two, and I'll call you as soon as I'm in Fairbanks. We'll work it out from there."

Johnny could feel a weight lifting, a slight smile tugging at his face. He could hold out for a couple of weeks, as long as he had this to look forward to. "Great. Can't wait."

"Me either." Steven answered. "I'll let you go. And I'll remember the time difference next time I call."

"Okay." Johnny laughed a little at that. "I—"

He spotted movement just outside the entrance to the day room. "I've gotta go. Bye."

With that he quickly hung up just as Roy shuffled in. He looked like he hadn't gotten much rest himself. "What are you doing up?" He mumbled.

"Someone called the station." Johnny answered casually, hopping down from the shelf. "I was gonna start some coffee."

Roy eyed him skeptically. "Your friend?"

Johnny huffed as he crossed the room and set the coffee pot on the stove. "Yeah. He's in the Smoky Mountains right now. Tennessee. Got an assignment for National Geographic."

"That's nice." Roy yawned, leaning against the sink and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, he screwed up the time difference again." Johnny rambled on. "Told him it was a good thing I caught the call and not Cap."

Roy chuckled softly. "He did wake up. Had some choice words."

Johnny froze. Had Roy, or Cap, for that matter, heard any of the conversation? He racked his brain, trying to remember if he had said anything that might give away the true nature of their relationship.

"He went right back to sleep, don't worry." Roy assured him.

Johnny relaxed. It wasn't likely anyone would be able to hear the conversation from the dorm, anyway. "He's gonna be back in Alaska in a couple weeks or so. Thinking I might put in for some vacation time and go meet him up there."

Roy nodded. "Might be just what you need."

"Who knows?" Johnny tried to affect a light tone. "Might like it so much that I'll stay."

Roy laughed at that as he found a pair of mugs and filled them both. "You'll be back."

"Sure." Johnny answered as he picked up one of the mugs. "Long enough to turn in my resignation and pack my stuff."

"Johnny." Roy shot him a sideways look.

Johnny merely shrugged as he drank the hot, bitter liquid. It was unlikely that he would stay in Alaska. Then again, once upon a time, visiting had been a pipe dream. As beat down as he was feeling these days, the thought of escaping at least provided a good distraction.

Well, he at least had a temporary escape planned. That would be enough to keep him going for now.