Happy new year, lovelies! When I say I've been working on this fic for years, I am serious. I finally got my act together and finished it recently, and here it is for your enjoyment. It's been so much fun to hang out with these guys as ordinary frustrated muggles. It's also the longest fic I've ever posted, so I hope it's worth it!

Elements of this were, of course, inspired by Teachers as well as TWW and HP, and I hope you have fun with the early 00s goodness. Our story begins on Jan 7th 2002.

Thanks as always to Crowded Angels for hearing every idle thought I had about this fic and bouncing off these ideas to make them even better and funnier. Cares always xx

1.

Snow White's A Smoker

Hecate Hardbroom is smoking in the staff room, feeling bitter and irritable, when she lays eyes on the new addition to the school. Hecate's first thought is he's far too neatly dressed in his well-cut black suit and narrow black tie to be in a school like this. She should know. She's held the too-professionally-dressed title since she was relegated to this hellhole of a comprehensive almost two years ago.

She folds her left arm across her midriff and brings her cigarette back to her blood red lips, drawing on it contemplatively. Beyond looking too good to be here, he looks like he knows he's too good to be here, and that rather puts Hecate off. The rest of the staff think the same of Hecate, of course, but that doesn't give her any feelings of solidarity with the new teacher.

Bianca Bream, who has the dubious honour of serving as Headteacher of Bristol South Comprehensive, claps her hands to draw the attention of her staff. The clique of popular teachers – mainly men, mainly idiots – grind their conversation to a halt slowly enough to show their disdain for their boss. Hecate doesn't have any particular affection for Bianca, either, but she disapproves of her colleagues' lack of respect for the position of principal.

Hecate stares at Bianca, thinking of the trajectory she herself was once on: Head of Year at a prestigious independent school a hundred miles east of here, almost certain to progress to Deputy Head in less than five years and Head after that, if she could refrain from blotting her copy book. But Hecate hadn't refrained. She had lost control of her temper one too many times, the last time at the daughter of a Junior Minister, and the cost had been her future. Hecate taps the ash from her cigarette into a half full cup of instant coffee someone has discarded near her.

Hecate hadn't paid enough attention to realise that the enraged IT teacher just beyond her peripheral vision has actually only set the mug down to reply to a text message. She shrugs her eyebrow in response to the ferocious glare of Ms Wells, unfazed by her colleague's ire, and pointedly flicks more ash into the mug.

"Morning everyone. Monday again, how can it be?" It's Principal Bream's standard Monday quip, and it's felt stale since the first time she uttered it.

"I'd like to introduce you to our newest member of staff, Severus Snape. Severus will be taking over Caroline's chemistry class. Hecate, I'm sure you'll be relieved to be back to a normal workload."

Hecate's only response is to flash her eyebrows. Bianca expected nothing more from the younger woman.

"I hope you'll all make Severus feel welcome. Now, Jack, I'd like to see you in my office before second period. Sarah, you'll be covering fifth period for Julianne. I think that's everything, and – oh, Noah Wylie from fifth form has been arrested again. Let's have a good week, people."

Hecate can see Bianca leading the new person towards the seat she's currently occupying. She has no desire to make nice with anyone this morning – or any morning, really. She tries to avoid the encounter by rising from the tatty couch, gathering the workbooks she marked overnight and trying to find someone else to talk to. None of the other teaching staff will meet her gaze, and perhaps that's not unreasonable. She's taken against each of them at some point in her twenty-month tenure, and those pigeons seem to have come home to roost at this precise moment. When Hecate turns back in the direction of the staff room door, Bianca and the new recruit are between her and the exit.

"Hecate," Bianca says, pinning Hecate with her eyes as well as blocking her with her body. "I'd like you to find some time to give Severus a handover. Particularly on some of the pointier issues with the GCSE students."

"Of course." She drawls, showing no enthusiasm whatsoever for the assignment.

"Terrific. Severus, you can go to Hecate with any questions. I've a feeling you'll get along just fine. Hecate seems to know more about the school than any of us." Bianca says with ill-veiled derision. Hecate's jaw clenches at her new marching orders. The last thing she needs is to be saddled with some underperforming nitwit who couldn't manage to land themselves in a better job than this.

Bianca ghosts away before Hecate can think of a reason to avoid this assignment of Bianca's, so she's left with no choice. The new addition holds out his hand to her. Hecate accepts the offering. She's surprised to find that his skin is quite soft, and his grip pleasantly firm. This is the only positive thought Hecate Hardbroom has about Severus Snape.

The first positive thought Severus Snape has about Bristol South Comprehensive occurs to him when he makes contact with the other science teacher's hand. There is a pleasant energy that flows from her skin, and her grip is firmer and more assured than he'd expected. But then again, Severus' expectations are proving to be seriously misguided. He never expected, for a random example, to be relegated to a backwater like this after working at two of the finest independent schools in the country. Severus expected to patiently do his time and ascend to a comfortable role as a Headteacher in a school that runs with militaristic precision and therefore requires almost no intervention from him. Instead, Severus has disgraced himself to such a point his best option is to teach chemistry – a subject which requires precision and discipline – in a school that's had such poor Ofsted reports he doesn't understand how the place is still open. And the worst part is, he's not even secured a permanent position yet. His securing ongoing work in this hellscape depends on a performance review three month into the job. Severus didn't think he'd ever fall so low, but here he is.

"Welcome to the BS Comp." His new colleague drawls. The fact that she seems to dislike this place as much as he does endears her to him. She's also clearly different to the rest of the teaching staff. She's too well dressed for this place. She looks like one of his colleagues from better days – neatly clad in a charcoal pencil dress and a black blazer. She's in chunky black heels, but even taking that into account she's tall. Reed-like. Her black hair is pulled into a ballet-ready bun, and her makeup is precise – blood red lips, neat eyeliner. She looks like Snow White grew up, realised optimism was futile, and took up smoking. For a moment Severus thinks he rather likes it.

"I have never set foot in such a bleak educational setting." He admits, giving no mind to the risk of turning his colleagues against him.

"I'd say the gloom diminishes, but that would be a cruel lie to tell you on your first day." She replies, drawing on her cigarette and eyeing him speculatively. She notices his gaze flit to her cigarette and surprises herself by offering him the pack. He accepts and pulls a silver lighter from his pocket. It's ostentatious and reeking of an independent school education.

She takes note of the length of his fingers when he brings the little cylinder to his lips. They are fine and capable-looking. She can imagine them handling burettes and droppers with confidence and skill. Hecate doesn't feel threatened by the new chemistry teacher. In fact, she thinks she could almost like him. But Hecate doesn't really like anyone, so bridging the gap between almost liking and liking seems an unlikely thing for this man to accomplish.

While Hecate is pondering this, Bianca, about to exit the staff room, turns back to the assembled teachers. "Oh, and from today smoking is banned on school grounds."

The rumble of rage that burbles across the staff room is the force of a small earthquake. So, this is the hell Severus must now inhabit.