Happy New Year - I hope you all made your resolutions. Mine are more Hank and Kim short-stories. And this is the first one.
The fear of losing her
It was a rainy afternoon in April and Kim and Hank had made themselves comfortable on the sofa in his house. A western was playing on TV, but neither of them was really paying attention to the movie.
Thoughtfully, Kim scrolled through her phone. Fortunately, there were no pressing appointments in the next few days. Except for one. One very important date was coming up. And she absolutely couldn't miss it. Except so far she had not really organized something for it.
Oh I guess she had already started to organize something and bought a few things. She had already spoken to Kelly Severide on the phone and told him that she needed his help. Kelly Severide from the 51st owned a cabin on the lake and she wanted to spend his birthday there with Hank. Just the two of them. A weekend for two. It was going to be a surprise for Hank.
Lately, their relationship had somehow come up short. A new and very important case had demanded all their attention. The whole team had been working overtime so far. They had hardly had time to eat or sleep. And also little time for each other. Which was why Kim really wanted to spend some time just with him.
"Hank, maybe we could go out on Saturday-" Kim began, wanting to find out if he had made any plans that he hadn't told her about yet. Plans with Erin, who might be coming from New York. Or Olive, who would be visiting him with the little one.
"No," he interrupted her curtly.
Hank knew what was on Saturday. His birthday. And he didn't want to think about it. Not about the fact that he was getting older. That he was an old man. Or that Kim would eventually find him too old. Of the fact that she would eventually leave him for another man. A younger man. Like Adam Ruzek.
"But maybe it would be-"
"I'm busy on Saturday, I have reports to write and so have you," he explained with a hint of finality in his voice and got up from the sofa. Hank went into the kitchen to get himself a drink or at least to have a moment to himself.
Lately, he kept catching himself with his thoughts wandering in a direction he didn't like. And it had all been triggered by a sentence from Adam Ruzek. He had called him Old Man.
And it had only got worse after that. The thought that Kim might leave him at some point, that she would find him too old and unattractive at some point, wouldn't go away. He often lay awake for long periods at night, in bed next to her, while Kim was already asleep. The bad thoughts haunted him into his dreams. The fear that he could lose the woman he loved to another man.
And that night, too, it took him a while to finally fall asleep. Nightmares robbed him of his sleep. In his dreams, Kim had already left him and was dating another man – sometimes it was Adam Ruzek, sometimes Matt Casey and then, then there was another man who took Kim away from him in his dreams - Kelly Severide.
When Hank woke up the next morning, the bed next to him was empty. Again. In recent times it had happened again and again that Kim was awake before him. Him waking up alone. Of not waking up together in the morning, no kisses under the comforter, no stroking, no gentle caresses. Kims side of the bed was cold and empty – again.
So Hank got up and went looking for Kim. And just as he was about to enter the kitchen, he heard Kim's voice from inside. He heard her talking on the phone. Originally, he didn't want to listen, but these words, her words, made him pause: "Hank mustn't find out about this. No way. We must keep this a secret."
These words literally hit Hank like a punch in the gut. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Kim had a secret. She was keeping something from him. A secret she didn't want him to know. And at that moment, he imagined the worst things. Could something be wrong? With her? Or was it something else entirely? Might his nightmares be real? Would Kim leave him? Was he going to lose Kim to another man?
He had noticed it a few days ago. Namely that Kim seemed to have a secret. That she was hiding something from him. That day, when he had come home early, he had seen her hastily shove a few documents into her purse when she had spotted him.
And then, about a week ago, he had accidentally discovered a paper bag in the closet. A negligee. Black lace. Since then, the bag had disappeared from the closet. Only she hadn't worn it yet. At least not for him. Could she have worn it for someone else?
Was it the person Kim was talking to on the phone? The man she had worn the negligee for. It was certainly not a thought he liked at all. It was a thought that haunted him for the rest of the day.
Later that day, as the team stood together in the bullpen talking about the last case, Hank used the moment to look at the male members of his team. Was it one of them who was in on Kim's secret? Was it Adam Ruzek? Or Jay Halstead? Or was it someone else? Someone from the firefighters?
Hank still couldn't believe that he was having such thoughts. But he also couldn't have imagined that Kim was obviously cheating on him. Until now, he had thought that they were happy. So far he had thought that their life was perfect. He finally had a chance of some happiness - after all the tragedies in his life. And then this happened! Once again, he would lose the woman he loved.
And yet a small part of Hank clung to the notion that maybe it was just a misunderstanding. That he was wrong. Hopefully.
Kim's attention was elsewhere today, too.
All day, Kim's eyes kept glancing at her phone. She was waiting for a call, a message. This was something Hank had also noticed in the meantime. And he didn't like it at all. The words from this morning, the words he had overheard, which he couldn't get out of his head. He had to think about it and imagined the most horrible things. Was Kim cheating on him? No. Never. But then why was she constantly looking at her phone? Why this secrecy? And who had she bought the negligee for? He should talk to her. He should talk to her about his fears. Confront her with his suspicions. But he did nothing. He would rather suffer in silence.
"Are you okay?" Al's voice broke through his thoughts.
"I think," Hank broke off. What could he say?
"Something with you and Kim? Are you having problems? Did you have a fight?"
Hank shrugged his shoulders. He wasn't sure. All he knew was that he didn't want to voice his thoughts out loud. Saying the words out loud would make it real. Make his fear real. The fear of losing his little bit of happiness. And he didn't want that. Hank wanted to hold on to his happiness for as long as he could. He wanted to indulge in the illusion that he was happy with Kim until it was over.
He slowly walked towards Kim's desk. He wanted to ask her if they wanted to go out for dinner tonight. A date. Something they hadn't had for a long time, because Hank had the feeling that a little routine had crept into their relationship. Getting up in the morning, chasing criminals together and going back to bed at night. A routine they shared. And Hank wanted to change it. He wanted to spend time with her. More time.
However, before he could say anything, Kim beat him to it.
"I'm going to get something to eat," Kim said and got up from her desk.
"Atwater and Ruzek can-"
"Hank, I need to stretch my legs. I need some exercise, some fresh air. I've been sitting here at my desk all day," Kim interrupted him. And then she gave him a kiss on the cheek before heading down the stairs.
Hank looked after her for a moment. Lo and behold, there it was again. That feeling. The same feeling from this morning. Only much stronger. A feeling that told him to follow her, to see what it was that Kim was doing. So this time he followed his instinct and went after her. Little did he know what was waiting for him.
At that moment, Kim met Kelly Severide behind the precinct.
"Hey, Burgess," he greeted her.
"Kelly, thanks for coming here."
" For you, always," he said, smiling at her.
"Did you bring it," Kim asked.
"Yes," he replied and then handed her the key.
"Thanks Kelly, you're a lifesaver," said Kim and she spontaneously gave him a kiss on the cheek.
And that was the moment Hank left the precinct. And that's when he saw them. His Kim and Kelly Severide. Very close together. And he saw the kiss. He saw Kim kissing the other man.
So Kim had lied to him. She was cheating on him! And that confirmed his suspicions. Kim thought he was too old. Kim had another man. She was secretly seeing another man. And he had been too blind to see it until now. It was over! Kim and him, that was apparently just something that belonged to the past.
Furious, he turned on his heel and stormed back into his office. The door slammed shut behind him with a bang. Where Kim found him half an hour later. Slumped at his desk, his face buried in his hands. Only the tears wouldn't come. Instead, there was a fury inside him, a fury at himself. Why hadn't he seen it? He was a cop, he should have noticed it. Yet he simply hadn't seen it. He hadn't wanted to see it. That thing with Kim and the other man.
"Hey," she whispered and came up behind him. Kim put her hands on his shoulders and caressed them tenderly. She could feel how tense Hank was. How he tensed up. And then he turned and looked at her.
"I'm busy."
"But you could-"
"Kim, I want to get the reports done," he interrupted her.
"I haven't seen you all day," she said and wanted to kiss him, but Hank turned his head away. He couldn't let her touch him. Not now. Not until he knew what he was going to do.
Kim sensed that something was wrong. But what? Last night everything had been fine. So what had happened? Kim couldn't explain it.
"Hank," Kim began and put her hand on his shoulder again.
"I'm tired," he mumbled and then withdrew from her touch.
It was difficult for Kim to suppress her growing disappointment. She had no idea what was going on in Hank's head at that moment. The dark thoughts that were dominating him.
"Hank," Kim tried again.
"Let me finish the reports."
"I have reports to write too. Why don't we take our stuff, the reports, we'll get something to eat on the way home and write the reports together at home," Kim suggested.
Hank shook his head.
Kim looked at them for a moment. It was obvious Hank was totally overworked. The weekend she had planned for him would definitely do them both some good. In her mind, the weekend would be wonderful. Just the two of them. A fire in the fireplace. Together in the cabin. Far away from all problems and worries. And she would wear the black negligee she had bought for him. Luckily, she had remembered to put the bag in her locker in time - before Hank could have discovered the negligee. He would see her wearing it in a few days' time. The only thing she had to do now was make a plan to lure him to the cabin. Maybe Al could help her with that. Otherwise, she would simply kidnap Hank on Friday and take him to the cabin.
"Okay," Kim mumbled.
She looked at Hank for a moment before leaving him alone.
On the way from Hank's office back to her desk, Kim walked past Al's desk. He had been watching silently all day as something went on between Kim and Hank. Well, something a little different than usual. Should he speak to one of them? Should he ask Hank what was going on? After all, he had already tried earlier.
Al waited until the evening. For the rest of the day, his eyes kept glancing at his best friend's closed office door. Hank had literally been hiding in his office for the rest of the day - from the team and from Kim.
And then, as the team went home one by one and only Al and Kim were left, Al made a decision. He would talk to his best friend. He would try to find out what was going on.
"Burgess, you go home already. Hank and I will finish the reports and then I'll send him home to you," he explained.
Kim hesitated. Actually, she wanted to wait for Hank and drive home with him - just like any other day. Then again, she could go shopping at the supermarket and surprise Hank with dinner at home. Steak with green beans and mashed potatoes. Yes, she would surprise him with dinner.
"Okay," Kim replied and packed up her things. And while she left the precinct, Al went into Hank's office. He wanted to talk to his best friend. Wanted to know what was going on. Between Kim and Hank. What had changed. About what had happened, because something had to have happened between the two of them.
Al entered the office, but stopped at the open doorway and watched his friend for a moment. It didn't take long for Hank to realize that he was being watched. He slowly lifted his head, expecting to see Kim, but it was his best friend standing there watching him.
"I sent Burgess home. Now it's just the two of us and it's time we talked," Al explained, going straight to his friend's cabinet where he knew he kept a bottle of bourbon and two glasses, "And I think we're going to need this."
"We will," Hank admitted.
Al looked at him questioningly as he placed the glasses and bottle on Hank's desk. He waited for Hank to continue.
"Kim's cheating on me with Kelly Severide, I think," Hank then said.
And at that moment he had said it out loud. The one thing he suspected. He had said what was bothering him. And in that moment it became real for Hank.
"What? No," Al couldn't believe it, "Burgess would never cheat on you. She loves you."
"I believed that too. Still, I just ignored the signs, there were always little hints lately. And I, after the kiss-"
"Kiss?"
"She kissed Kelly Severide today. Here, behind the precinct. When she was supposed to be getting something to eat. I saw the two of them."
"Oh boy," Al said and poured himself a good shot of bourbon, which he finished in one gulp. He couldn't believe it. To him, Kim and Hank were like the perfect couple. His best friend had finally been happy again since the death of his beloved wife Camille. Now he heard something like this.
"Yes, that's right," Hank said and got up from his chair.
He slowly walked over to the window and looked out into the dark night.
"And what do you want to do now?" Al asked cautiously.
"To be honest, I don't know. If I say anything to her, it'll be over. And as long as I don't say anything, I can maintain the illusion that everything is still good between us." Hank turned and looked at Al, "I don't want to lose Kim. I don't want it to be over. I love her. You know, but obviously she doesn't. Not anymore, anyway."
Al couldn't give his best friend any advice. At least not this time. All he could do was be here and keep him company. Listen to him. And drink bourbon with him.
Neither of them went home that night.
The next morning, Kim approached Al's desk. She knew she needed his help to lure Hank to the cabin. And then there was something else. Hank hadn't come home yesterday. And even though there had been a little worry in Kim that he hadn't checked in, she had known he was with Al. That he had talked to Al about what was so obviously bothering him and what he wasn't saying to Kim.
"Al, I need your help," Kim said as she stepped up to Alvin Olinsky's desk. He looked at her questioningly and motioned for her to continue. "Hank's birthday is on Saturday. And I want to surprise him with a weekend at a cabin by the lake. I got the key to his cabin from Kelly Severide yesterday and now I need your help to get Hank there."
A slight smile crept onto Al's lips at Kim's explanation. So that explained the secrecy between Kim and Severide. After all, Al had always known that Kim would never cheat on Hank. He saw the love she felt for his best friend in her eyes. Always. Even though Hank's words yesterday had made him doubt it for a moment.
"Thank God," muttered Al.
Kim looked at him questioningly. She hoped Al would explain it to her. If Hank wouldn't talk to her, maybe his best friend would.
"Hank saw you and Severide. Yesterday behind the precinct," he said, and Kim immediately knew exactly what Hank had seen. He'd seen her kiss Kelly. On the cheek. And obviously Hank had drawn the wrong conclusions. No, Hank would never think that. No way.
"He doesn't think that," Kim broke off.
"He's afraid of losing you. He's afraid you'll think he's too old. Fear can sometimes make you do the craziest things or have the strangest thoughts."
Kim let Al's words sink in. Yes, somehow that explained Hank's behavior lately.
"But he knows I love him."
"You know Hank. You know how hard it was for him to let you into his heart because he was afraid of losing you at some point. Just like he lost Camille and Justin. And that fear has kind of overwhelmed him lately. You know, the anniversary of Camille's death is in a few weeks, just how he's been in the last few years. And then there was something Ruzek said. Kim, your boyfriend, he's so insecure, he doubts himself and whether he's worthy of your love. And you and I, we didn't see that. He hid it from us, hid it well."
Kim needed to sit down first. She hadn't thought about that. She hadn't realized that. Really, how could she have been so blind? Why hadn't she noticed that Hank was struggling, that something was bothering him?
"And what are we going to do now?" Kim looked at him questioningly.
"Tomorrow is Friday. I'll drive Hank out to the cabin in the evening," Al then explained.
"I don't know."
"And then you'll have that weekend you've been planning. And maybe you'll talk about his fears, too. I think it would help him. I mean, if he hears from you that there was never anything between you and Severide."
"We will, I mean talk to each other. " And Kim was determined to do that. She would explain everything to Hank and make it clear to him once again that there was only one man in her life that she loved. That she only loved him. Or that she didn't want any other man.
The next day, Al made good on his promise and lured Hank into his car under a false pretext. The two men drove out of Chicago in silence. Al had claimed that he wanted to meet an informant and that Hank should accompany him. Hank, who didn't want to go home, who didn't want to see Kim, had immediately agreed. However, when the car stopped in front of a cabin by the lake, Hank wondered if it was a good idea to go with Al.
"Al, what are you doing? Where are we?" Hank looked questioningly at his best friend. He had immediately recognized the car parked in front of the cabin. Kim's car.
"She'll explain it to you," said Al and at that moment Kim stepped onto the porch of the cabin.
"Kim."
"Yes, your girlfriend, who wanted to surprise you with a weekend for two on your birthday. A weekend that's all about you and your love."
"But"
" Get going," Al urged him.
"I-"
"Hank, the woman loves you. She really does. She organized all this because she loves you, because she wants to spend time with you. It's a suprise, for your birthday. Now get out of the car and go to her."
Hank hesitated for a moment before getting out of the car and walking towards the cabin. He heard the car pull out behind him.
And then he was alone with Kim, who stood on the porch looking at him. Standing in silence, her hands on the railing. And waiting. Waiting for him to say something.
"This is . . . So, we, . . my birthday," Hank searched for the right words. He felt guilty because he had believed that Kim was cheating on him. But his thoughts - those damn dark thoughts - had gotten the upper hand and made him believe the worst.
"Yes, your birthday. That's why we're here. That's why I didn't tell you, because I wanted to surprise you."
"Kim, I didn't . . I. . I've had thoughts in my head lately. Ruzek called me an old man and that's what I am. And then, I was trapped in my thoughts. I believed what Ruzek said. I was convinced that I was too old for you. And that you would soon realize that and leave me," he confessed.
Kim looked at Hank for a moment. She hadn't thought that his fear had such a grip on him. When Al had told her about it, she had tried to remember the moments when Hank's doubts had been evident. She hadn't really been able to remember, though. So what did that say about her as a girlfriend? She hadn't realized how distressed her boyfriend had been. That he had thought she was going to leave him.
"Why didn't you talk to me?"
"I don't know," Hank confessed. And that was the truth. He didn't know why he hadn't talked to Kim about his fears. Why he hadn't told her that Adam Ruzek's words had hurt him. Adam's words had caused his self-doubt to grow immeasurably.
"Hank, you could have talked to me anytime. I would have listened to you and I would have told you that Adam's words were complete bullshit," Kim explained, walking up to Hank until she was standing right in front of him.
" But it's the truth, I'm an old man. Too old for you. There are so many young men who could make you happy." By the end, Hank had become quieter and quieter.
" And I don't want another man, not a younger man," Kim explained and held out her hand. She stroked Hank's cheek tenderly, "I only want you."
"I-"
"Oh Hank, when is it going to get through your head that I love you. Want to be with you. I won't let you push me away. You and I, we belong together. We'll be together until we're both old and gray. I love you Hank."
Tears gathered in Hank's eyes at Kim's words. He loved her too. Perhaps even more than he had ever loved any other woman. Yes, even more than he had loved Camille. In that year that they were together now, the happiest of his life, he had realized that he didn't want to share his life with anyone but Kim.
"I am an idiot."
„Yes", Kim said, „But you are my idiot."
END