A/N: holiday craziness is over!!! Thanks for your patience :)

Chapter 36

A thousand different feelings rushed through me when Edward swung his fist into James' face.

It was the night the neighborhood threw a party in the empty lot down the block. The day before, Alice, Edward and me went to play baseball together, since it was finally starting to warm up outside. We had so much fun- Edward, especially- and seeing him running and laughing and looking so happy did irreparable things to my insides.

Desire was no longer a strong enough word to capture how I felt about him. I loved him with every fiber of my being. It was such a foreign emotion to me; sure, I loved my mom and dad and grandparents, but it was a casual kind of love. Love that, even though it hurt, I could live without.

I didn't desire Edward anymore, I needed him. I needed him everywhere; near me and on me and in me. It was an all consuming love, and it fucking scared me, but I didn't care. It felt too good to let go of.

When he punched James, it mostly made me happy. I was happy that he cared enough about my past conquests to feel jealous of them, like I did when girls talked to him. Lauren, the hostess at Guigino's, comes to mind. I also felt scared for him. I didn't want him to get hurt; I've seen him hurt too many times already. I also was sure he didn't want his feelings for me to be so public. Over the last few months, as we grew closer, he continued to keep me at an arms length in front of his friends.

Edward looked around the crowd that gathered once the fighting was done. When his eyes finally landed on mine, he cursed and bolted from the yard. Everyone called after him, but I told them to stay put and followed quietly behind him. He reached the truck we were doing cocaine in earlier, slamming his fist into the door.

"God damn it!" He yelled out, sinking down the side of the truck.

I approached him quietly, keeping my distance.

"What the fuck was that, Edward?"

He ignored me, instead staring at his probably-broken hand.

"Are you going to fucking answer me?"

"Fuck him." He mumbled, not looking at me.

"My dad probably thinks your crazy now." I told him, pulling shit out of my ass to say so I didn't say what I wanted to say. "Everyone else probably does, too. Even your fucking father was watching that shit go down. And I think you really fucked James up-"

See: Defensive Projecting, once again.

"Shut the fuck up, Bella!" Edward yelled out, cutting off my ramblings. He jumped from his spot on the ground and stalked closer to me. The look in his eyes was crazed, and it scared me.

I realized I was flinching away from him, so I stood up straight. I would not let him intimidate me.

"Fuck you, asshole." I spat at him.

"Fuck you." He spat back.

"Why the fuck did you do that?" I growled, shoving him. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I shoved him again. "Look at you! You're fucking bleeding!"

"He fucking deserved it!" Edward yelled back at me. We stared each other down, both breathing raggedly. "Fuck him! Why are you defending him?"

"I'm not defending him! He didn't do anything wrong to defend, anyway!"

"I'm not going to let him fucking touch you, Bella!"

"He wasn't fucking touching me! And if he was, I can take care of my fucking self! You dont need to get yourself hurt for me-"

"Why the fuck do you care?" He cut me off.

"Because I fucking love you!"

Famous last words.

I had to leave Chicago after that. I couldn't be around him and not be with him, not anymore. My love had burned too hot, and it scalded me. I was embarrassed and heartbroken.

When he told me he loved me in that hotel room, he said he loved me back then, too, and if that was true… all of the fucking pain had been for nothing. Of course I was angry with him; he let me burn in love for years, all alone.

But, god, hearing him say it was the best thing that's ever fucking happened to me. It was all I'd ever wanted to hear, all I'd been dreaming of for the past three years. And thats why, after we made love twice more, I decided it was time to do what needed to be done.

It was time to tell Jacob.

What a fucking mistake that was.

-.-.-

Following the bloody driveway incident, Carlisle made arrangements with the hospital so that I didn't have to leave during visiting hours. His status around the ICU got Edward moved into a private room with a bathroom and a shower, so I really had no reason to go anywhere.

After two days, they took the tube out of his throat, telling me it was time to start weaning him off the drugs that kept him in a coma. It didn't mean he would wake up right away, but it was a good step forward.

Everyone came to visit him. The only time I left his room was when Jasper and Emmett came by - as much as I wanted to kick and scream to let me stay with him, a look from Carlisle kept me in line - and when Edward Senior showed up, I left the room to kick him out of the hospital.

Carlisle loved that one.

For the most part, I kept my post at his bedside. I spent my time reading and watching TV and conversing with his many visitors. The distractions were welcome; anything to keep the unrelenting guilt from the forefront of my mind.

Oh, and Jacob was still missing, but I couldn't even touch that. Not until Edward woke up.

Priorities, right?

The sensation of fingers running through my hair roused my from sleep.

I opened my eyes to a dark hospital room, the only light coming from the TV in the corner that I must have fallen asleep watching. I blinked, confused and not quite fully conscious.

Fingers tickled my scalp again.

I sat up from my uncomfortable-but-now-familiar sleeping position: hunched over Edward's bedside with my head on the edge of the mattress.

"I thought you would never wake up." His voice came out in a gritty whisper, presumably from having a tube shoved down his throat just a few days ago.

"Edward?" I whispered, not sure if I was still sleeping.

His cracked lips twitched up into a little smile, and I knew I was awake.

"Oh, Edward!" I cried out, tears instantly welling up in my eyes. "Oh, thank Jesus, thank God."

His hand reached out to cup my face, wiping tears off my cheek with his thumb. "Don't cry," he croaked out.

I heaved out a sob, bringing my hand up to rest on his. "Edward," I cried. "I-I'm so, so-"

He slid his hand down to cover my mouth, keeping his tired green eyes fixated on mine. "Don't."

God, he was so fucking beautiful.

I choked out another sob, my hands reaching for his forearm and squeezing. If it hurt, he didn't say anything.

"I-I should get a doctor." I finally managed. He shook his head.

"Not yet."

"Edward…"

He shook his head again, lifting his other arm - and wincing - so he could place a hand on either side of my face. I stared into his eyes, desperately hoping to convey how fucking sorry I was with my own, since he wouldn't let me say it aloud.

He brushed another tear away before saying; "I love you."

My insides lit up like they were on fire and I couldn't exactly control myself as I lunged forward to press my lips against his. A quiet moan escaped his throat as he softly kissed me back, and I could tell by the way his lips moved that he was just fucking exhausted.

I pulled away just enough to rest my forehead on his. "I love you," I said back. "I love you so much, Edward."

He leaned in to kiss me again, then let his head fall back on the mattress and closed his eyes.

"D-Do you remember what happened?" I whispered. He opened his eyes again, searching my face for something, before letting them fall closed once more.

"Yes."

"It's okay if you hate me." I told him.

"I love you." He said.

We were quiet again for a long moment.

"I really should get a doctor."

"Okay," he agreed.

I stood up, hesitant to leave him alone, but he opened his eyes and gave me a wink, and that made me feel okay enough to run out into the hall and grab the first person I saw. Luckily, it was his night nurse that I'd come to know well over the past few days, and she ran to get the doctor on call.

"You're looking good, kid." The doctor, who I later learned was named Dr. Webber, told Edward. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," he replied, clearing his throat before continuing. "Stiff, too."

"Well, that makes sense. You've been out for almost six days?"

"Six days?!" His eyes bulged, looking back and forth between the doctor and me. "I thought it just fucking happened, like, an hour ago!"

Dr. Webber laughed, though I couldn't find the strength to join him. "'Fraid not, son. Your injuries required extensive surgery. It's been a tough recovery for your body, but the biggest hurdle has been crossed. Welcome back to the world."

Edward continued to look bewildered as the doctor turned to me. "Would you like me to call Carlisle, let him know he's awake?"

I started to nod, but Edward cut me off. "No," he said. Dr. Webber and I turned to look at him.

"No?"

"Can't you call him in the morning? I just… want some time with Bella."

Dr. Webber nodded. "Sure thing, kiddo, but I won't leave him hanging too long. Besides, he'll be here at six am as usual, whether I call or not."

"Thank you."

"I'll be back to check on you in an hour or two. Just press this button-" he held up a little device next to the bed "-if you need anything until then."

Once we were alone again, I took my place in the recliner I'd been living on.

"Can't you lay with me?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Fuck that. C'mere." He winced as he tried to scoot over.

"Stop it, Edward!" I scolded him.

"Please, Bella!" He begged, and of course, I couldn't deny him, so I very gently arranged my body on the bed next to his, careful not to press up against him, because I didn't know exactly where his wounds were. The entirety of his torso had been wrapped in gauze this whole time.

Still, I rested my head on his pillow, and when he turned his face towards me I could feel the warmth of his exhale on my skin and I finally, finally felt like maybe everything would be okay.

"Six days?" He asked in a whisper. Our faces were so close together that our noses were nearly touching. I reached out, brushing a wayward, greasy lock of his overgrown hair from his forehead, nodding. "And your still here?"

For the first time in what felt like forever, I laughed. He smiled back, his eyes crinkling in that way that made me fucking swoon. "I don't want to freak you out, but I've basically been living here."

"Freaky Bella."

"I was so fucking scared, Edward."

He scoffed, a small smile still playing on his lips. "For me? Oh please," he rolled his eyes - for the second time since waking up, I noted. "It would take a whole lot more than a bullet to keep me away from you."