A/N: Another difficult one to write. Thanks for leaving a comment.
Chapter 18 - Missing puzzle pieces
Bella felt painfully nervous.
This night, Edward would spend the night...
He might see or hear her night terrors.
She knew when her night was okay that she was calm rather quick.
But when the night was bad, it was awful. She was affected then for the next full day. She could barely eat, drink, get some rest, even though her body was exhausted from that night.
The sun almost set and the skyline was beautifully colored red, pink and orange.
But soon the sun set, and she would find herself in darkness.
In that new house.
"Do you have an evening ritual?" Edward asked suddenly. "Certain things you do that are important to you."
She found herself thinking long and hard about that question.
She wondered first of all where it came from for him to ask her that. But second of all, she wondered why he asked her, what the purpose was?
"I usually watch tv," she replied. "Then shower, brush teeth, and I watch tv again, until I get tired and I can go straight to bed. I like to be clean."
She winced.
Damn it.
"It was hard, back in those days, to-"
Edward glanced at her briefly.
"Take proper showers," she finished, feeling herself get smaller.
It was too hard.
To speak, to tell the truth.
Especially to someone that already hated himself so much.
She hoped he'd drop it...
She really hoped he wouldn't ask or say another thing on that subject.
"Because James broke your body, back in those days," he said casually, yet his voice too tense and using her words.
A girl could only wish...
"We should drop the subject-" she interrupted quickly.
"Because your fingers were crushed, your jaw first broken, your body bruised-"
She noticed again how he spoke without emotion.
"Red," she whispered.
He snorted.
"Red," she repeated.
He glanced at her again.
"I stopped, didn't I?" he said, his voice carrying a hint of despair.
"You should control the sounds your noise makes as well as the words coming from your mouth," she said, glancing away. "I didn't like the sound of that."
When he next kept quiet for a long time, she dared to see if he was again a void.
To her surprise, she noticed he was amused.
What was so funny?
"What?" she said defensively.
He shook his head.
"Seriously, what?" she said. "Or do we have to make a deal where I can make you to answer me?"
He cleared his throat and sighed, running his hand through his hair.
"No," he said slowly.
"Then what's funny?"
"Nothing, nothing. I'm sorry."
Huh.
Still no answer to her question.
"What was with that look?" she tried again. "All of a sudden, you looked like your were- I don't know. I noticed amusement, at something."
"Yes."
"At what?"
"At something," he said, using her words.
Was it okay to strangle him now?
Truly, could she for once and for all just do something for him to take her seriously.
"I want that deal," she snapped. "One where you'll answer normally."
Deals.
That was apparently the only way for Edward to function.
"That's unnecessary," he said.
This time she was certain that there was a smile behind those eyes.
"But you won't answer me," she said desperately. "You just do whatever you want. You don't take me seriously."
"I take you very seriously," he said, turning his head to her with a crooked smile that stopped her heart.
What on earth?
He had multiply personalities.
That had to be it.
And in that moment, she had doubts whether she should be with Edward in his car.
"Look," he said, "Despite what you may believe, I'm most often at combat with my mind and my heart. When you said red again for the second time, I only realized then how hard this new deal between us really is."
That meant surely he wanted quit, then.
"I'm at your fucking mercy, right?" he laughed.
And to show his humor, he laughed even more.
What on earth? What's so funny?
"You don't even know what that truly means," he said with a much darker laugh.
So he was going to tell her that he was going to go, after all.
And that's why he was amused and that's why he gave her that damned smile.
That had to be the only reason for his happiness.
Because he knew that he thought this new deal between then using a safe word, it was bullshit.
He didn't want Bella to be in control anymore.
"Okay," she responded. "I understand."
He watched her briefly and this time, he raised an eyebrow.
"What exactly do you think you understand?" he asked skeptically.
"The obvious..."
Why was he going to make her say it?
Could he not just say so himself?
It was clearly what he wanted. He wanted to end their deal and leave.
He didn't want her to have a safe word anymore.
"You yourself aren't very good at explaining yourself either," he pointed out.
She closed her eyes. She had learned that if she did, the tears would momentarily halt.
This had officially become to much to carry alone.
"Red," she said, inhaling shakily and trying to ease her pain.
She sunk in her seat and waited for this to end, and hated that tonight, she would be alone again.
And for the next few minutes, Edward didn't speak, make a sound or make an attempt to start a new conversation.
As she felt the car started making turns and that the car came a stop, she thought that they must have arrived at their final destination.
Either that, or he had made an direct u-turn to dump her at her new house.
She didn't bother to look where he brought her.
She didn't step out, didn't want to move.
"Still red?" Edward asked quietly.
She nodded.
"Is there anything I can do to get you back to green?" he asked with a little urgently. "Do you want me to apologize-"
She shook her head.
"Is there anything you need?"
She shook her head again.
"Do you want to talk about it, then?"
She shook her head.
"At least tell me what you want then, whether I should stay in the car, or just wait until you say green-"
"I'll never say green," she said. "I've heard enough. You're leaving again. That's the curse between us. You always leave in the end. That's why you're laughing. You're finally free again. You can leave, again."
He took hold of her chin and brought her face to meet his, but her eyes were still shut.
One touch from him though, led her over the edge and tears fell from her shut eyes.
His fingers instantly released her chin.
"I'm trying really hard to think back what I said that could make you think that I'm leaving you," he said. "But for whatever it's worth, I told you I'm not leaving. I won't."
There.
He planted the seed of doubt in her mind now and she wondered if she had misunderstood then?
Did he not clearly say that this new deal was too hard for him?
Was his newfound freedom to break the deal not the only reason for his mirth?
"But Bella," he said. "I also told you I'm fucked up and unstable, remember? I've heard you say red a few times already, and I'm... glad you use it."
She could tell now that something was wrong. He sounded very tense.
Something about his was completely off and she couldn't pinpoint what it was.
"Then realization hits me that you've needed your safe word several times already. You didn't have a safe word in the past. All you had was terror and the hard fact that you dealt with everything I did to you on your own. I've crossed your boundaries a fucking countless amount of times in the past."
She slowly blinked a few times, wiping away her tears.
"This new deal is hard because I'm going to get fucked up more, Bella."
Oh...
But still...
Still didn't explain his amusement...
But she had been so preoccupied with other things, she didn't quite realize that the deal could be too hard for him. Especially not because it reminded him of the past.
Or that it was completely messing with Edward too.
"We could drop the safe word?" she offered.
Then his eyes did darkened and flashed those angry, negative emotions again.
He watched her pointedly.
"Don't fucking say that again. Fucking stop trying to cast yourself away just to save me."
She could only stare at him, wide eyed as the panic inside her rised up again.
"I told you that this deal is hard for me, not that I'm leaving. Those two aren't correlated. I just thought that you deserve to know that I'm unstable and fucked up. More than before. Every time you shut me up with your safe word, I get a little more unstable. And I've already lost control with you, Bella, by showing up today, but-"
He stopped abruptly and he was... he seemed...
Oh, no.
He looked as if he was being tortured, by his own mind.
This was perhaps worse than her nightmares.
She tried to ask what exactly he meant than with getting more unstable, more fucked up, what precisely would happen?
Because if he was unstable, she would use her safe word...
"Do you mean that at some point, you'll be unable to- to- to stop, to listen when I use my safe word?" she asked carefully.
"No," he said with a humorless smile. "It means I'm at your mercy."
Again...
Such a cryptically answer that didn't quite answer her and left her with more questions.
And she wondered if he knew or truly had no idea his way of answering her was confusing her just more.
"Step out of the car, Bella," he gently ordered.
He was already out and shut the door before she had even unbuckled her seat belt before at his sudden change.
She opened the door softly, smiling a little to herself as it opened. Child's lock gone, after all.
Her eyes met the grand building Edward had brought her.
It was absolutely breath taking and colorful. She noticed trees, flowers, plants, soil, different gardening items- and this was just outside the shop. She could only wonder what the inside of this building looked like.
It was a garden center.
She had never been there before, but it looked like a magical place for all in-home and outdoor plants and flowers.
Flowers.
She instantly realized why he brought her to a garden center.
She knew.
But she never would have imagined that he would think of it on his own. That he would gather all the information between them of the past hours, and decide to bring her to a garden center. For that one thing that had been not Bella's, or Edward's, but theirs. Something that they created together, on their night, without even knowing so.
Her eyes watered again as she herself was still an emotional mess. The tears never stopped.
Especially not when she realized there was still a little human left in Edward and a little less monster.
It wasn't all just monster right?
Could he outdo the wrong from the past with goodness in the future? Or was it unforgivable?
Abruptly, Edward pressed her back against the car. He held her wrists, which hung limply by her sides.
Uh, what on earth?
She lifted her eyes, felt her eyebrows go up.
"I am going out of my mind, Bella," he said quietly. "When I told you to meet me in my office, to get on your knees, order you to open your mouth, unzipped my pants and dropped them, knowing, I knew, you didn't want that, but I did it anyway, knowing what that made me, a word that James wrote on your apartment wall with blood-"
He waited briefly, not meeting her eyes, and she dropped hers quickly away as he reminded her of that foul moment again.
She could see it, even though she could only imagine, the red letters on her former apartment wall, reading, How does it feel to be a rapist, Edward?
She knew that he was waiting for her to maybe indicate he was going to far. He waited, in case she needed to use her safe word.
However, she tried to listen now, rather than to keep him quiet. She wanted to know what he had to say. She yearned to understand it better.
She needed his point of view.
"Even though you had jaw surgery three days prior, I still forced you to open wider. I kept going on and used you for my own pleasure, while my body was consumed with hate and anger at you. I tried to break you. I did everything I told you I would never do. I became a monster."
Red.
She thought it.
But she couldn't say it. Instead, tears ran down her cheeks.
"And just a few hours later they hacked into our system, found you, shot Emmett, dragged you into my office, tied you up my desk, put a bag over your head, slapped you awake, and they tortured you for five minutes. They forced you to never tell anyone. They just fucking dragged you back towards Emmett's body and made you stay quiet with more threats."
Red.
Red.
Red a million times.
But all she could do was cry silently as Edward continued.
"That same fucking day, I manhandled you again into my office, and slapped your cheek when you didn't listen to me to take off your clothes. I didn't see anything suspicious on your body. No wires, no camera, no phone."
Red...
She vaguely understood now that that's why he made her take off all her clothes. To verify she was clear of anything suspicious, something which the police and security had already done.
She shut her eyes, seeing those images again and his angry, vengeful eyes that day.
"Forced to work," he said in a clipped tone. "Until you shot yourself because James texted you he would blow up the building with everyone still inside."
Wait, what?
What did he say? He thought that's why she shot herself?
He now released her wrists, but didn't step away.
"So when you previously saw me smile, and perhaps even amusement, I can assure that it's not joy or happiness what I feel. The opposite is true. I am going out of my fucking mind, because each time you say red, I'm reminded of the moment I was- I was- and you couldn't tell me to stop. You didn't have a safe word then. You had nothing, no safety whatsoever. Not from James and not from me. And why? Because of that fucking night you spent at my apartment?"
Her cheeks were completely wet with tears now.
It wasn't our night anymore. Or simply the night.
It was now that fucking night.
Bella kept silent... She refused to sob out loud. She wanted to hear him.
She wanted his truth.
"So," he said at last, in a louder voice. "When you see me laugh, after you use your safe word, it's not because I'm amused. It's that I'm going mad at knowing you had no safety in the past. Or perhaps I've already gone mad and what you see is the laughter of a mad man."
Her standing up for herself, meant his pain?
Bella felt numb the entire time he spoke, until she wondered if Edward himself was even in the present.
"Are you dissociating?" she asked carefully.
Again that smile with a shake of his head, as he said, "No."
At some point, they had begun a staring battle where Bella grew furiously uncomfortable.
Edward needed to calm down, that's all she knew for sure. Yes, she had already noticed that the parking lot was fairly empty, seeing it was around dinner time now and most people weren't out shopping.
But whether they could be noticed by people or not, it was better for himself. To just distract himself of this moment with a better memory from the past.
And in the background of her mind she always wondered if there were journalists or even stalkers luring around.
This stubborn man though didn't stop staring at her.
"Yellow," she said carefully, her other safe word.
He raised an eyebrow at her.
"Stop staring at me," she added.
She didn't say red, however. He had made it incredibly difficult for her to use her safe words now.
They triggered him. Should she use them then, if it hurt him so?
He dropped his hard stare.
"Stop trying to take care of me, Bella," he said curtly. "I wasn't dissociating. I'm only going mad. There's a slight difference."
He smiled his most handsome smile and she felt her body tense at his sudden shift.
He had gone mad.
But with his sudden charm, followed a dark threat he suddenly voiced out loud.
"If you fail to use your safe word again, the deal is off."
"I didn't fail to-"
His thumb pressed her lips hard, even touching her teeth with how hard he pressed.
"Don't fucking lie to me, Bella," he said angrily.
"But it triggers you," she argued against his thumb, unsure if it was still a good deal.
Now he looked as if he might want to strangulate her. He withdrew his hand from her lips abruptly.
He had gone mad, indeed.
"I'm really fine without a safe word," she added.
Hoping she'd won this argument.
By the look on his face, no.
She hadn't won at all.
"Yet you've used your safe word several times already because I can't fucking read you," he snapped. "No, Bella. You aren't fine. I'm toxic for you, an unstable fucking monster from your past and I can't stay with you unless you have something that allows you safety."
"Safety from what?" she asked.
"Me. The fucking monster inside me."
"Okay then," she agreed quickly.
He nodded. His breaths were coming out fast.
Bella herself wasn't much more stable than he was. There was so much tension in the air. She hated the tension between them. It cut straight through her heart.
"Can I ask you something?" she asked quietly, without really waiting for a response.
Hoping she could ease some of the tension.
"What did you mean when you said that you can't read me?"
"Bella," he said, a quiet chuckle. "I can't fucking take this anymore."
She felt herself freeze, wondering what on earth happened now.
She wondered if he might need a safe word too. For whenever she triggered him.
She never would have thought he was this unstable.
"What did I do?" she asked, desperate to find out.
"Nothing," he groaned, shaking his head.
He had completely lost it.
He couldn't even answer her anymore.
"Let's go inside the center," she said, trying to change the subject.
"No, wait," he said with a scoff. "Just wait a moment."
He sighed several times and she simply waited.
"Bella, I can read everyone instantly. My mother calls me a mind reader, as a joke." The side of his lip with up a little as he added, "At least I thought I could read everyone, until I met you. I've never been able to read you. I can never tell what you're going to do or say next. And I can barely read what you're truly feeling or thinking. Each time I think I know, you say the complete opposite, and I realize you're an unreadable enigma."
He looked so small and remorseful in that moment.
"You never told me that..." she said.
"There was never the opportunity to do so," he said. "Our time together was cut rather short."
She flinched.
Because their time together was cut short by James.
She wondered how they had drifted so far away from a question as simple as...
Do you have an evening ritual?
She felt awkward and strange, and his sudden way of mentioning him and her again with our.
In her awkwardness, she said the first thing she could come up with.
"You said something before," she said. "I was wondering, what made you think I shot myself because James told me he'd blow up the building?"
"That's-" he scoffed, "Well- That's what the police mentioned. It was in one of the texts."
She blinked.
That was new information. She thought all texts had automatically been deleted after Bella read them. He replied before she could answer her question.
"They were able to retrieve a few text messages, but most were lost. Permanently erased."
She nodded, realizing that it meant that most messages were hidden from the outer world. They had been only between James and her.
"Of course," he said quickly, "you didn't shoot yourself because of the building. You shot yourself, because everything simply was too much."
The bitterness she next felt, was too much.
"I'm an unreadable enigma according to you, right?" she said.
He chuckled and she knew now, that he knew too, that the reason he mentioned for sending her off the cliff, didn't match with reality.
"That wasn't the reason I shot myself..." she said at last.
She wondered if she had really told anyone about that gun and James' final order.
"Did anyone tell you- about the- when James-"
She couldn't say it.
She wanted to say it so bad.
It was too difficult.
She needed someone to know.
"That gun I held, it was delivered to my apartment," she forced out the words. "With not much later a text message, from James... He ordered... He said..."
Edward stepped next to her, leaning with his side against the car, while she still had her back pressed against the car.
"Don't feel obliged to tell me," he said, gently this time, a little less unstable.
"No, I don't, that's not it," she said quietly. "You should know the truth... Because I never really understood it... But can you handle that?"
She raised her eyes up carefully, and noticed how bright and light his eyes looked.
Behind the calm, she knew he was falling apart too. She expected him to lie.
"Of course not," he said, chuckling again. "But I'm at your mercy. If you want to tell me something, then tell me."
That didn't sound very comforting at all.
She didn't want to hurt Edward like this.
She wasn't reassured to tell him.
"Don't spare me, Bella," he urged, "Tell me what you want to say and next we'll go inside, alright?"
That sounded like a good plan.
She would rip off the bandage, and then they could ignore it as they would go into the garden center.
She took a deep breath in.
And answered in a quick sigh.
"He ordered me to get you to the roof top of the CC with me, where he'd have the locks of the doors shut so no one could disrupt or hear us, and... to- to uhm- to video call James, to tell you the truth about everything, all the threats, torture and details, and to- to- to kill you and to watch you die. Once dead, he wanted me to leave the building."
Edward's eyes darkened immediately and his face hardened.
Almost done.
"I never understood why he wanted me to kill you, because your well being was the reason I listened to him... Why would I comply to James, once you were dead? But I guess I'll never know. Because I didn't comply to his final order. I could have never done what he asked me."
He pressed his fist against his lips. She didn't miss how it trembled and his knuckles were white.
Nearly almost done...
"He threatened me if I didn't kill you, that he- he said that- he'd capture us both that night, and torture you to death while I watched. And he would record it too- he would- he said he'd make me watch it over and over- which was- that was unthinkable. I didn't understand what I did wrong? But I was forced to choose again, only this time between two impossibilities. To kill you or to watch you get tortured to death? I couldn't do either. And that's why I decided to kill myself instead. That was the loophole to end everything."
That's it.
Let's go, she thought.
She took a step forward but Edward grabbed her hand, stopping her.
She was a little dizzy from everything, but she next felt warmth.
Edward pulled her into his embrace, his arms wrapping around her body tightly and seemingly never letting go.
Uh... help?
She felt his chest move as he breathed and tried to focus on that movement. Rather than to understand why Edward suddenly held her so close to his body?
"For fuck's sake, Bella, the things you had to endure. The list just keeps getting longer. I am so fucking sorry. For all your suffering."
He released her quickly, pushing her back at arm's length and releasing her.
Oh...
"What am I going to do with you?" he asked desperately.
She shrugged, and said, "I suppose we'll never find out why James made that final order."
"Actually, I know why he wanted you to kill me," he said.
She blinked, shaking her head.
"What? How could you...?"
"Because there's something I never told you," he said.
She crossed her arms, feeling-
Numb.
"Is it something as awful as the things James wrote on my apartment walls with blood?" she asked shakily.
"No."
He sounded very sure.
"It's the last missing puzzle piece," he said. "What you told me about James' final threat, that was the second-last missing piece."
She was worried, however, about whatever he knew.
She hated that there were still things left unsaid.
"James wanted the CC's data and documents," he explained. "Which was classified and kept safe under the strongest encryption. Do you remember that?"
She nodded, wondering what the reason could possibly be, and why Edward knew? Or figured out so quick?
"After that day," he said. "The day I used you in my office, and Emmett was shot and the police said that you're not a suspect, I found myself back in my office. And I just did it. I unlocked some of the strongest encryption we used for our data. James managed to hack into the system that same night and he retrieved everything he had wanted all along."
Wait, what did he say? The documents, that James wanted all that time, had gotten in James' hands?
How could that have happened?
What the hell?
"I unlocked some of that encryption and I let James have it. I gave in to James. I didn't care about the CC anymore. Not after my hate consumed me to force you like that in my office. I decided that letting the CC go bankrupt was trivial. Because my fixation for hurting you turned me into someone I no longer recognized. I imagined James and you would disappear after that night, after getting what James had wanted all along.""
Bella always wondered what it would feel like to be hit by a wrecking ball.
She thought she just did.
She was surely going to faint soon with how dizzy and unsure she felt at this new information.
How was it that so much between them was still unspoken?
How was it she could break all over?
"I waited. But for seven days, nothing happened, and during the week, you kept appearing for work. Until, on the seventh day, you handed me your letter of resignation."
She remembered those seven days so well.
She had waited too. For seven days. For a text message from James, that only came on the seventh day, along with a gun.
"I thought you mocked me, writing, I wish the company continued succes. Sincerely yours forever. I imagined you knew the CC was going to reach bankruptcy at any moment. Then the fire alarm went off and I received your text. Apologizing. Mentioning a bomb. Hurriedly typed, with errors."
By God and everything holy, she had never thought this is what Edward had gone through. That behind the scenes, he had done things...
...things that allowed James to finally get what he wanted.
Things that led to... to... James' final order.
James had gotten what he wanted.
And he still didn't take victory? He ordered Edward's death, still? Even after getting what he wanted?
"Building cleared within thirty minutes," he continued. "I imagined you and James wanted the building to collapse completely and to even cause collateral damage. But between the mass, I didn't see you anywhere. I heard people say The model is screaming there's a bomb. That you were clearing the building? I picked up my phone as it rang to hear that foul voice in my ear, saying, Guess who is still inside the building, searching for the love of her life? He was speaking in riddles, but I didn't hear most of it while I texted you to come outside, while all you texted back was, Are you safe? That drove me mad as well. It took forever until you finally appeared. Everything afterwards, it happened in a flash."
That numb feeling that people mentioned? Bella understood. Sometimes the emotions became too much, the body and mind shut off.
Protected it with numbness.
Because Bella felt completely numb now. Much more than before.
"You said you don't understand why James ordered you to kill me," he said. "I told you I can read people, right? James wanted to destroy me. I guess he found out that the best way to torture me, is by ordering you that final threat. To point a gun at me, against your will, to tell me the truth, to pull the trigger and to kill me, watch me, as James watched everything happen through your phone."
She felt like vomiting, despite being numb.
"Why- seven days?" she choked.
"To agonize you, most likely, and to drive me to insanity. I don't know about you, Bella, but those seven days drove me to insanity."
She grabbed her head with both hands, dizzy spells hitting her constantly.
Yes she had been agonized in those seven days.
And right now?
Bella herself was starting to reach the level of insanity
He was incredibly calm, which also infuriated her. How could he remain so calm under the sea of despair?
Didn't he see that because of his action, by him giving in to James... everything came to an end?
Not the ending James preferred. He had wanted Bella to kill Edward. But an ending came, either way, because his final order finally led Bella to that loophole.
"You let the CC go bankrupt?" she said shakily. "Why didn't you tell me six months ago?"
There was a flicker of something in his eyes that disappeared at his next blink.
"It didn't change anything," he said flatly.
"It changes everything."
His face was more of a mask, hiding his emotions.
"It's irrelevant," he said in a harsh voice.
"You hated me so much," she said. "Turned into a monster, my nightmare, my terror... a monster, that also decided that the CC is trivial and allowed bankruptcy? You gave in to James? You really did that?"
Edward looked away, his eyes far away.
It was true.
She had no doubts.
It was the explanation for James' final order. He had gotten what he wanted, those damned documents and data. James no longer had needed Bella.
But he had wanted Edward to suffer, just once more.
And Edward suffered greatly.
Previously, when she told him about James' final he had pulled her into his embrace.
Why?
If she made a wild guess, she would say because Edward was... touched, maybe? That she'd rather die than kill him.
Well.
Right now, Bella was certain about something she yearned to do.
He gave in to James, because he no longer cared about the CC, important data, money, power or status.
He gave in to James, for her.
Even when he thought she had turned his back on him and used him, he made such a big decision.
He really gave in to James.
She stepped forward and placed her head against his chest, and placed her arms on his sides, giving him an awkward hug.
"For fuck's sake, Edward," she said, the cursing word unknown to her lips.
But she repeated his words.
"The things you had to endure," she added, his same words he had used when he held her.
She didn't apologize.
She knew he didn't want her sorry.
He didn't reply.
But what he'd done... that went straight into her heart, and would remain there forever.
"Why didn't you tell me this before?" she asked uncomfortably.
He didn't hug her back. He remained frozen.
"I didn't want to guilt trip you," he said stiffly.
"But you told me anyway."
"Not to guilt trip you," he groaned. "Because you told me about James' final threat and I had the missing link."
"I know," she said quickly.
She yearned to say just two final words before letting him go at last.
She feared, however, his response.
"Thank you," she said.
Indeed, she could feel he didn't agree with her response. His body stiffened.
"I'm glad you told me," she added quietly, as she let him go.
"It doesn't change what I did. It doesn't make me less of a monster."
She felt so terribly sad for Edward.
He had become a man even he himself didn't recognize.
And the consequences were great. He was drowning in guilt and remorse.
"You're right," she said, nodding, looking him straight in the eyes. "It doesn't change what you did."
His face remained hard.
"And also it doesn't make you less of a monster."
"Glad to hear I didn't guilt trip you."
She turned on her heels, and started walking towards the center.
She said over her shoulder.
"The truth is, that it doesn't make you a monster," she said.
She could hear him walk behind her, so she sped up a little, but he came to stand in front of her, stopping her in her track.
"Bella," he warned. "Don't say that. Don't be guilt tripped."
"I'm not," she argued curtly, diverting her eyes quickly.
"Are you sure?" he asked skeptically.
"I'm mean it," she said.
"I might believe you if you would look me at me."
She forced herself to meet those green eyes again.
"I am- fine," she said, her voice breaking at the final word.
It had never been this difficult to maintain eye contact.
The side of his lip went a little up. Oh...
Was he going mad again, then? Were the signs of his 'happiness' the signs of a mad man?
"Of all the books I've read," he said, "you're the hardest to read and to understand."
He gazed at her for a long moment, which further unnerved her. What on earth was the matter? So he couldn't read her, was that it? She wasn't hiding anything.
Which could only mean that he didn't understand her. But what was there to understand?
This man had given up a wealthy company for a girl he hated.
"Likewise," she said, pointing her chin up.
He shook his head as he started walking next towards the entrance of the center.
"Are you coming?" he called casually.
As if everything was fine.
Truth was, that they both weren't fine. They were still learning about each other. Like an unread book, one of the difficult ones that took time and dedication to truly understand.