Present Day

Sometimes it felt like they never got a break. Tess knew that wasn't true, they just had a habit of happening infrequently and of course never seemed to last long enough. And almost always seemed to followed by their worlds being turned upside down, to the point where it felt intentional. How could it not when so much had happened in just the six months since she'd finally come home?

And how and when the hell had it gone from April to September?

Yes the last month had been fairly quiet, not counting the everyday chaos that was Jay's life as the second highest ranking member of Chicago's most elite police taskforce, especially because consciously or not she'd caught him taking on more responsibility in the unit. Sure it was mostly just paperwork right now but he'd also been teaching some classes at the academy and to newly graduated officers, something she could tell he really enjoyed. He might complain about being away from her more, and truth be told she didn't love that either but she sure as fuck loved watching him come into himself. It was exactly the way he'd always needed to, always wanted to but had just never allowed himself to. And that was amazing. But it also added to the chaos of their lives. And that was fine, she well used to chaos. That was the point. Because before this last month they'd only had six full days and nights with each other and four of those had been because of her period, a pain and a loss she was still processing. And the month before that had been when Halef Selim had, still mysteriously, been brought back into her life and the month before that had been when her team finally got introduced to Jay's. And reintroduced to him which had just been lovely. Just six months ago she and Jay had come back into each others lives and before that…

What had her life been before that?

Those five years had drudged by, distinguishable not by months or weeks but days she had struggled to get through, an agonizing fight just to go from one moment to the next. It always struck her, how time could pass so quickly yet last forever; on one hand it felt like that time in her life was over, just a distant memory. And on the other it was just a blink away, so close she could feel the darkness that had consumed her still reaching out to bring her back. And it was. If she'd gone with her first plan to go back to the island and fade away into anonymity maybe it wouldn't be, at least not this strongly. But she hadn't chosen that. Even if she had she knew better now than to assume the consequences of her actions would rest solely on her, but at least she wouldn't have painted such a big target.

Such an identifiable one.

She also could've been more careful about not pissing off Ang Feng.

"This is 5021, where the hell is our backup?!"

Voight's voice crackling through her speakers had her pressing harder on the gas but she didn't answer him, partly because someone else did.

"5021, additional units are on their way but they're still six minutes out. What's your status?"

Tess tried really hard to hold in her irritation at the dispatcher, it wasn't as though they could help, stuck in a little cubicle downtown with their only weapon their headset. But it was still a dumb question. Because the status of the Intelligence Unit was pinned down in a warehouse on the outskirts of Chinatown taking heavy fire in a fight they hadn't expected to be in. A fight they wouldn't have been in if Voight hadn't pissed off Walter Ng who'd gone crying to Ang fucking Feng who'd decided it was time to show their unit, show her who was really in charge.

It was a lesson she was going to make sure both of them regretted but of course like the cowards they were neither was at the scene she was racing to. No, they were sitting in their little make-shift offices feeling superior.

Feeling safe.

"You know a Hail Mary would come in real handy right now!"

Adam's voice came through next, not to dispatch but to his team and she quickly put all her attention on getting to them as fast as she could. "No Mary's here but can I interest you in Hail Tess?"

"Thank god."

"Thank goddess." She corrected Jay, grateful that her voice came out not just steady but quippy.

They already knew they were in a shit position, they didn't need to hear her fear on top of their own.

"I'm still two minutes out but babe if you, Hailey and Kim look in the left pocket of your vests you'll find some toys I left for you."

"Why just them?"

"When did you put these in here?"

"What is it?"

She smothered her snort at the obvious offense in Adam's voice, as expected as Kim's curiosity and Hailey's focus. And even though they didn't say anything she could picture the faces Kevin, Vanessa and Voight were each making, their mannerisms now so familiar it sent fear shooting through her limbs.

She'd put another team in danger.

Shoving that thought aside she answered them, making sure her own voice stayed calm and even a little teasing. "Well a) I figured one per partner was enough and honestly I didn't trust the rest of you not to play with them, b) a while ago, and c) there are miniature explosives."

"Like the ones you used at Cam's?" Jay asked and of course he had a hint of excitement.

So much trust.

So many possibilities for things to go wrong.

"Kind of, but these ones actually go boom."

"We're going to talk about that later." Voight finally chimed in, his usual gruffness tinged with an appreciation that made her want to scream. "Alright, once you toss them we'll make our push-"

"No!"

Well she certainly didn't sound calm now.

"Tess-"

"You toss them and then you hold." She said firmly, furious now she'd thought it was a step too far to put cameras on their vests. "You hear me?"

"Okay." Jay answered immediately but of course his Sergeant didn't agree.

"No."

"Hank-"

"We need to-"

"Fucking lemon drops!" She shouted, louder than was necessary but it worked, just like she'd hoped it would. She'd been holding onto that for a long time.

Four years.

It had been Alvin Olinksy's codeword when he'd been in the military, a reference to his fondness both for fruit and for sweets, so similar to her own she'd smiled as soon as he'd told her. They'd exchanged them for this very purpose, a few months after the Cullen case when he'd found out about her and demanded to meet. Tess had no idea what Voight was thinking hearing it now, from her, but she really hoped it would be enough to get him to listen.

"You toss them and then you hold. Now!"

At first the only thing that answered her was the sound of semi-automatic gunfire and her whole body went cold, not the numb kind but the dark kind, those tendrils that threatened to pull her back to the person she'd once been. The person she would still be if the situation called for it. And this one still might but after five seconds she heard an explosion, Jay's, and then two and three seconds after that two more. Kim and Hailey, or maybe the other way around, not that that mattered. What did was that they'd listened to her, everyone safely tucked behind the shelving units they were using for cover as she drove through the east wall of the building.

If they hadn't believed her when she said her SUV was a tank before, they would now.

But what would they think of it?

What would they think of her?

Of the fact that the gunfire that had been filling this place for the past five minutes had now completely ceased, first due to those mini explosions that she could see had blown up three cargo crates but now due to her. And there was no way to hide that because when she got out of her car they had a shot. Literally a dozen of them. But they didn't take them. Not one shot, not one person. And the feeling that gave her…

If she were religious she'd called it sinful, one of the big seven but she wasn't so she didn't. Of course that didn't mean she thought it was any less dark or wicked, neither of which stopped her from enjoying it. Part of her. The other part was terrified of the judgement that was to come but that was a problem for later. She caught Tao's eye as he slowly stepped forward, his face impassive but his eyes showing clear remorse. Not fear like some of his men, nor disgust or anger like some others, just regret that it had come to this; not enough to stop him from participating in this little stunt but since his heads up was the only reason she'd gotten here so quickly she could forgive him for that. Lines were lines and everyone had to draw their own. And deal with the consequences. Neither of them knew what came next, that depended in large part on his boss, and his boss's bosses but it was obvious this fight was done so when he stepped back so did his men. And so did she, not to the safety of Jay's team but with them. She should've been smarter about that, she'd been trying not to draw attention to them, to give another reminder that they could be used against her but when she moved so did Jay. She didn't even see it but she felt it, and she did see one of Tao's men make a move to put him down.

Maybe he just would've given a warning but she wasn't going to take that chance. He'd barely even raised his weapon before she whipped out her own, sending a single bullet right through the centre of his forehead. The already still room froze, the only movement her brief glance backwards at Jay. He looked remorseful too, guilty for making her take a life, ashamed for not trusting her, afraid because he still didn't want to let her go. But he was going to. He took in one slow breath and then straightened, fully stepping out from behind his cover but no one made the same mistake again. And the way he looked at them. Like they were making the worst mistake of their lives and he pitied them for it.

All the languages she knew and Tess still didn't think there was a word for the way that made her feel.

Loved.

Honoured.

Worthless.

She did her best to just show him the first two then turned back to Tao, raising her brow until he finally nodded. One by one his men backed out the way they'd come, a hidden entrance Intelligence never would've known about, the reason they'd been able to be pinned so easily. And then she followed them out.

"I hope you have a plan." Tao whispered when he opened his car door for her, giving firm looks to those of his men who tried to linger before sucking in a breath at her answer.

"I have some ideas."