He had let her go.

And yes she could handle herself and yes he had done it before and yes it wasn't at all the same as the promise to not let her walk out of his life again. And yes, he knew that he'd made the right decision. But he still couldn't help wondering if there had been any other one he could have made.

And it didn't help that everyone else was thinking the same.

With various levels of support.

"How the hell could you let her go like that?"

"Adam-"

He wasn't proud of it but Jay's first reaction was a desire to swing at his friend but he reigned that impulse in. But not the rest of his anger. Because not only was the younger man insinuating he'd just abandoned Tess, which he had not, he didn't even have the respect for him as his friend or his teammate, or as the higher-ranking officer to at least wait until they were back in the privacy of the bullpen to try and call him out.

Given his history he should be grateful he'd waited until they got back to the 21st.

"We had them!" Adam kept pressing, despite Kevin and Hailey also quietly telling him to back off, but of course he didn't listen.

He didn't listen to anyone.

"We did! We could've-"

"She." He said tightly, no longer trying to make it upstairs before they had this out. It had been coming for a while now, might as well get it over with.

And it wasn't as if anyone else ever put the other man in his place.

The only ones who came close were Kim and Voight and even then he only listened to them half the time, and Voight only because he was their boss and had the power to bench him.

"She what?" Adam asked and it was that lack of understanding that pushed him over the edge, for the first time in eight years so angry with the younger man that he had no problem getting in his face.

"She had them. We were sitting fucking ducks. Tess is the one that stopped them. She is the one they are scared of, not us. Unless you are actually arrogant enough to think they wouldn't have riddled you with bullets if you'd done been stupid enough to try to follow them. To do any of what she did."

"Hey, I get what she did." Adam shot back but the truth was Jay didn't think he did.

And he didn't know if he said that out loud or if the other man could just see it on his face but his got a lot harder. If Tess were here she would've reminded him that it was a response to the hurt his comment had caused, and the lingering fear of how close they'd come to watching their team get slaughtered but she wasn't and right now he didn't care.

They always thought about themselves.

It was time they started to think about her.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I am."

"Alright, this isn't helping. Us or Tess." Kim said firmly as Adam took a step towards him, bringing them almost nose to nose, the younger officer quickly pushing her way between them but that didn't cool either of their tempers.

"Well apparently he doesn't-"

"Don't."

For a second Adam looked like he was going to finish that sentence, and if he tried Jay wasn't going to let him. But then his eyes flicked back to his girlfriend and her harsh look had his anger quickly turning to shame.

"Look, I didn't mean-"

"Save it." He said roughly, actually starting to struggle with the urge to lay the other man out.

"Okay, let's all take a breath." Hailey added, giving him a firm but understanding look as she, Vanessa and Kevin also stepped in to forcibly give he and Adam space.

The last couple months not withstanding everyone here knew he didn't lose his cool often but there was no way in hell he wasn't going to just stand by and be told he'd abandoned Tess. Not again. Not when he hadn't. She knew what she was doing, she could handle herself and she would be back soon. He knew that. He believed that. He believed in her. They were the ones who needed to.

And they were close, he knew that too, but they didn't truly understand what she was capable of.

And they wouldn't if she kept fighting their battles for them.

If they never saw her fight.

He couldn't say why but he found his gaze traveling to Voight, surprised that their Sergeant hadn't said anything. He was usually the first to squash any inter-team scuffles, their whole dynamic was determined by his idea of how partners and a unit should be but right now he stood away from their group, watching with an unusually somber look, one that reminded him of something Tess had revealed she'd said to him. That just because they were a family didn't make them a functional one. She was right. As always. It made his chest ache to think about, heavy with guilt for the role he'd played in that but then he remembered something else she'd said.

"What's lemon drops?"

Jay knew from Voight's slow, deep breath that he wasn't prepared for the answer but it still swept the ground out from underneath him.

"That was Alvin's codeword when he was in the military."

Al.

A chorus of questions and exclamations answered him but they kept their eyes on each other. It might be wrong but he was glad to see his Sergeant's remorse matched his own; he didn't know what that did, if anything, but at least it was something.

But was it enough?

"I don't… I don't understand. When would they have even met?" Kim asked quietly and even though he didn't actually know and his own head was still spinning with the information there was only one thing that made sense.

"The Cullen case."

Voight's nod told him he'd assumed the same and he felt his chest get tighter. Al had reached out to his contact in the agency, because he'd been too chicken to reach out to Tess, and he'd been told about her. Knowing his late friend he wouldn't have been content with that, would've wanted to meet her, to get a sense of her and make sure she wasn't a threat to their unit. And since he hadn't said anything he must've given her his stamp of approval.

And rather than use that to get Voight to trust her when she'd first come she had saved it for a moment she would really need him to.

"Why wouldn't he have said anything?"

"Why would he?" Jay asked Adam quietly but just because he was less aggressive this time didn't mean he held back on making sure the other man knew he was still upset with him. "There is nothing we can do that she can't. There is nothing we offer her except more people she needs to look out for and more people who can be used against her and if you actually gave a damn about her you would finally recognize that instead of wanting to rush off and play hero."

That was a little harsher than he'd wanted to put it, but was he wrong?

What support did they give her?

What could they?

He had an answer, that image that had been sitting in the back of his mind ever since the first day she'd come back but it was lodged in his throat. How could he ask Tess to work at their sides when the balance was so uneven? When these people didn't and might not ever truly understand what she was capable of?

Who she was?

And how could he ask them to do something he wasn't sure they wanted, especially when they didn't understand the ramifications?

"So what do we do?"

It felt like the world was on his shoulders when his eyes slowly travelled back to Hailey's, holding her stare for as long as he could before he shook his head and made for the stairs. "We wait."