Except it wasn't. They had made that clear. She hadn't had the energy to continue so she'd just walked away, more relieved than she had words for when they let her go. But Tess had felt their disappointment and it made her feel sick, guilty. Worthless. That was the exact opposite of how they were trying to make her feel, the love they were trying to show her but she didn't know how to change the belief deep down inside her that she wasn't deserving of it. That she wasn't worth it. One person shouldn't be worth so much pain and suffering. But no matter how far she went she kept finding people willing to throw themselves into the fire for her. Everyone told her that wasn't her fault, that people had the right to decide what they died for just as much as what they lived for and it was better to believe in something rather than nothing. And she believed that, it didn't making carrying that weight any easier, the opposite actually but that was fine. That was a fight everyone partook in. But to be the something someone believed in…

Everyone had lots to say about how that should feel, how she should handle it but none of them knew. None of them had carry it. They didn't have to constantly look over their shoulders waiting for the other shoe to drop, didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat from nightmares that were more truth than imagination. They didn't have running tallies of everyone they had killed and everyone they had saved, didn't go through each of the seven degrees of separation to see just how far those ripples extended. They didn't know what it was like to have to balance the scales and feel their own souls coming up short.

Jay didn't know.

He was trying his best to understand, to make things easier on her and she loved him for it, more than she ever had which she honestly hadn't thought was possible. But he still didn't know. And if it would mean him feeling this pain she didn't want him to.

But then she was going to have to make a compromise.

She couldn't run again, she had promised him she wouldn't and Tess honestly didn't think she'd survive it if she tried, not to mention if she left now she'd be leaving them all even more vulnerable. So what choice did she have but to let them in? Their points that they were in danger anyway were valid and maybe she was just trying to shield herself from more pain but she was trying to shield them too.

Reciprocity was a bitch.

She couldn't really remember how they'd gotten here but at some point she became aware that they were sitting in the Tower, on the floor in front of the big windows, one of her favourites places to come think. And of course it was her favourite person who'd pulled her out of her head, his own slumping against her shoulder as he finally dozed off. All she could do was stare at him, still amazed her that he'd forgiven her, that he loved her. Now. Still. There was a part of her that was mad at him for pushing this so hard, so publicly but it wasn't as though he or any of them were wrong. And for all the trust he'd given her it would be shameful if she couldn't give it back. That would make her truly unworthy. The sun was up by the time he woke but he still didn't say anything, just resumed his position of sitting at her side, patiently waiting for her to tell him what she needed.

Her Ranger.

"I don't want to carry any more." She admitted in a forced whisper, ashamed of her weakness but grateful for his strength.

"I know." Jay said softly, respecting the space he knew she needed but when he looked at her that way it didn't matter. She could be a thousand miles away and still feel his love.

She had.

"But you're not going to. We're going to carry everything with you. All of us."

Together.

To whatever end.

It wasn't the first time Tess wished she could shut her brain off, not even close, not even the worst but she was still wishing it. Because she couldn't stop imagining all those other ends. All the ways this could end and while some of them were truly great some of them were fucking terrifying and heartbreaking and it all just felt like too much.

But it couldn't be.

She had too much to do.

"You don't have to come." Jay said quietly where he was sitting on the bed watching her get ready, the guilt in his eyes, sadness in his face and slump of his shoulders making her feel worse. "Not right now, you could get some sleep."

"I've gone longer with less." She replied automatically, then immediately felt like an asshole.

She was hurting him.

She wasn't trying to, all the anger she'd had towards him last night had disappeared, about twenty minutes after he'd fallen asleep and she'd absentmindedly moved his head from her shoulder to her lap. But as much as she didn't want to be she was struggling with this and while that was fine Tess didn't like that she was hurting him in the process.

"I'll be okay." She said quietly, doing her best to give him a reassuring smile. "If I'm going to join the team I shouldn't be late on my first day."

It didn't work.

His face flickered with the ghost of a smile, trying so hard to be hopeful but that was hard when she'd spent the last what? Six to eight hours ignoring him?

When he knew that however well intended he had hurt her.

"Tess… I think this is good. I really do. But I don't want to do something that's going to make you unhappy. I don't want to make you unhappy." Jay replied with a shake of his head and she didn't know what cut more, the guilt in his voice or the uncertainty. Hadn't she made him doubt her enough?

Doubt himself?

"I don't think you've ever done that." She tried to assure him but he just shook his head again.

"I know I have."

Yeah.

He had.

And not just last night. You couldn't know someone for a decade and a half and not hurt their feelings at least a couple times, especially when you were in a relationship. And especially when both their jobs were as intense and as dangerous as theirs were. They hadn't all been accidental hurts either, but they had never been malicious. Jay didn't have a cruel bone in his body and she'd always worked hard to shove down those impulses, only letting them out on those who truly deserved them. And he didn't. He never had.

All Jay had ever done was try to keep her safe and make her happy.

"I think it would. Make me happy." Tess explained when he looked back at her, that sad puppy dog look that cut through every one of her carefully curated defenses. "I'm just terrified of the day the happiness ends. I don't think I can handle it being my fault again."

"It was never your fault." He said adamantly and this she knew was an accident but fuck did that make her ache.

"It was sometimes."

"No, it's the fault of the people who took the action-"

"And sometimes it was my actions."

His mouth snapped close, surprised, then confused, then remorseful. Because he knew it was true. She'd told him what she'd done, the lightest bits because she hadn't been able to bring herself to say the rest. She may not regret all the things she'd done but it still horrified her that she had done them.

"The thing monsters have nightmares about." Jay mumbled quietly and just like that the tears she'd been holding back all night spilled out.

"You got it right."

His eyes shot to hers, still sad but with a hopeful smile. "Well it's literally tattooed on you, so."

The next thing she knew his shoulders relaxed and he grabbed her, so tight that all the demons that plagued her ran away in fear. They'd come back, they always did, but that was okay because he would be beside her when they did. It still made her sad but that fight… That was what it meant to be alive. To be strong. It was hard and painful and every day. But it's what they had to do.