She didn't make a decision.

Not then anyway. Tess had just stared at Voight, at all of them, not blankly but… almost like she was empty. And then she'd simply walked away. Adam had almost tried to stop her but with a look from him and a gentle touch from Kim he'd deflated, everyone sharing unsure looks as they watched her retreating back before he'd hurried after her. He hadn't said anything, and neither had she, but she also hadn't shoved him away so he was hoping they hadn't hurt her too badly. And if they had… Jay was still convinced it was a pain she needed.

Sometimes when someone thought badly of themselves they needed the people they loved to knock sense into them.

She'd taught him that.

But that didn't mean every second she didn't look at him wasn't fucking agonizing and from the moment they left the bullpen Tess didn't look at him. After a while he realized it wasn't even intentional because a few times her head did turn his way but her eyes always glossed over him, either so locked in her head or forcefully locked out of it she couldn't see him even if she wanted to. So he didn't push her. On the drive back to the haven, when she sat down on the floor of the living room to stare out at the city or any of the long hours that followed; at one point he even dozed off, to his embarrassment waking up with his head in her lap. There was no way it would have gotten there naturally but even when he pushed himself up and brushed his hand over her back in thanks, she still didn't look at him. And she didn't sleep. She just stared at the skyline, barely even blinking. The only time she came back to herself was when a soft vibration of her ring had her glancing at her phone, because she couldn't ever be disconnected, but even then after she was done staring at the screen she'd just silently passed it over.

He'd needed Cas to explain it to him, the name Hao Tsin didn't mean anything to him but when she told him he was one of the three heads of the Triad, and that he was on his way to Chicago, he realized what it meant.

Ang Feng was going to die. He had no problem with that, Tess might not be looking at him but he was sure looking at her, torn between her face and her arm. Even without seeing it he knew it wasn't the worst she'd been hurt but it was still a level of cruelty that made his blood boil. Ang was a bad man and he deserved whatever was coming for him and though he couldn't be sure he didn't think she felt guilty for her involvement in his death. But it was a statement, a big one and they'd effectively just widened her target. But what she didn't understand, what she didn't want to accept was that they could be a shield too. That was their job as officers of the law and each of them chosen that well before they'd met her. The pendant around her neck was a reminder he'd chosen that to be his purpose as a man. And both parts were telling him that as much as he'd hurt her he'd made the right call.

The sun was over the horizon when she finally spoke, though her eyes stayed locked on the sky, the light blues, purples and pinks reminding him of cotton candy.

Maybe she'd dye her hair those shades again one day.

He'd love to see it.

"I don't want to carry anymore." Tess whispered, her voice so hoarse he almost didn't hear her but the sadness in her eyes when they slid to his made her thoughts clear.

"I know. But you're not going to. We're going to carry everything with you. All of us."

She didn't believe him.

She didn't believe it would be enough but when she let out a heavy breath and rested her head on his shoulder Jay knew she was willing to try and that was all he could ask.

Don't stop fighting.

There was still a heaviness around Tess, a sluggishness to her movements he rarely saw, or she rarely let show, but as she showered and got dressed bit by bit it was slowly pushed back. He knew she wasn't happy about what had happened, what they were asking of her, there was no doubt she would appreciate the sentiment but of course she would be too worried about all the ways it could go wrong to truly appreciate it. And Jay knew it wasn't without risk. They all did, he'd made sure of that, but it still wasn't enough to deter them. He just hoped that with time she would come to realize this was a good thing.

But that didn't mean he liked watching her walk around like she was in a fever dream.

"You don't have to come. Not right now, you could get some sleep."

"I've gone longer with less." She answered automatically, numbly, but a second later her hands stilled where she'd been putting her hair up, falling along with those raven locks before she let out a sigh and turned to him. "I'll be okay. If I'm going to join the team I shouldn't be late on my first day."

A joke.

That should be a good sign but her sad excuse for a smile made his heart ache, especially because he knew she was only putting it on for him. "Tess… I think this is good. I really do. But I don't want to do something that's going to make you unhappy. I don't want to make you unhappy."

"I don't think you've ever done that."

"I know I have."

It felt like forever that they stared at each other and just like he was thinking of every moment he'd let her down Jay knew she was remembering every time she had hurt him. There were a lot, almost too many to count. They stretched the distance between them until what was just a few feet felt like hundreds of miles, possibly the furthest they'd ever felt from each other which made it all the worse. All he wanted was to close it but after pushing her so hard yesterday he didn't know anymore if that was the right move. What if he hurt her again?

What if he hurt her even worse?

Was there a point they could get to where they might not forgive each other?

What would that even look like?

"I think it would. Make me happy." Tess explained quietly, the shift of her hands on her hips to wrapped around her making him seriously doubt her, at least until she continued. "I'm just terrified of the day the happiness ends. I don't think I can handle it being my fault again."

"It was never your fault."

"It was sometimes." She said sadly.

"No, it's the fault of the people who took the action-"

"And sometimes it was my actions." She cut him off firmly and this time her frustration was directed not at herself but at him.

Because he wasn't listening.

Again.

Jay swore he wasn't doing it intentionally, he knew the situations she was talking about, some of them anyway but it was just so hard for him to picture her as the bad guy. Because she wasn't one. She might call what she'd done her revenge mission but that wasn't how he saw it; even at her lowest, her darkest and cruelest it had always been love that drove her. Love of Lydia, of her team, of herself. Of the world. Sometimes it took fire to fight fire.

The thing monsters have nightmares about.

"You got it right." Tess whispered, the sad but soft way she looked at him making him realized he'd said that out loud.

"Well it's literally tattooed on you, so."

And there it was.

That laugh that made his whole fucking soul light up and as soon as he heard it he was moving for her and as soon as she saw that she made for him, her arms wrapping around him so tightly he knew there wasn't anything they could do to push the other away. They might hurt one another sometimes, and it might even be on purpose occasionally but it wasn't ever malicious. They knew what was best for themselves and they knew what was best for each other, hard as it might be to accept that sometimes. But they always would.

To whatever end.