2.

Valentina slammed the front door shut with the help of her foot as her arms were overflowing with bags from the grocery store. Luckily for her, it was only three steps between the front door and the kitchen counter, otherwise she would have groceries all over the apartment floor. She put down the bags on the counter and started to put away her purchases one by one.

When the task was done, she came to a standstill in the middle of the apartment with her arms down by her side and simply starred into space. The afternoon sun spilled in through the living room windows and casted the room in a warm glow. Dust particles became obvious as they danced in the light. Her eyes moved to the bookshelves on the far side of the room and the photographs that were lined up on the shelves at even distances. There stood the reasons for her move to Chicago and her current situation. She could have gone anywhere in the world, yet she ended up in Chicago, a mere hour away from where she grew up.

The first photograph pictured her sitting on top of a Humvee in the middle of the desert along with seven other people all dressed in camouflage. It was her unit. She had gone back for another tour after that one, but she still thought of those seven people as her unit. The picture was taken just weeks before they got to go home after more than a year overseas. Not everyone in that picture was still alive. Those that were had gone where the wind took them, and they all ended up in different places. Chicago was one of them.

Another photograph was of her family, the one she grew up with. The entire family was sitting around the table in her parents' backyard with big grins on their faces. Her father sat proudly at the head of the table, flanked on either side by Valentina's two older brothers. Her mother sat in the middle with Valentina opposite her. She couldn't remember the occasion, but she did know that it was one of the last times they all spent time under the same roof and the roof didn't come caving in from all of the shouting and disappointment. Things were never the same again.

Valentina picked up the last photo and looked at it for a long moment. Neither of her family members knew that she was back stateside, let alone living an hour away in Chicago and no longer a part of the army. She could just imagine the conversations they would have if they did. The last time she spoke to her parents there had been nothing but tears. That was over four years ago now. She sometimes contemplated picking up the phone and calling them. She actually did pick it up a couple of times, but she always put it back down before she finished dialing the number. She wished she could share things with them and her brothers, like life altering events and regular day to day stuff. She wanted to be there for birthdays and Christmases. She wanted to be there and watch her niece grow up. They were a big Italian family after all, and nothing matter more than family. But true to their heritage, love and passion also resulted in a lot of butting heads. As it were there was too much hurt and too much pride for any of that to be a possibility.

She sighed and put the photograph back on the shelf, filled with regret. It was probably why she liked it at 51 so much. They acted like one big, happy family and at the moment that was something she didn't have but longed for desperately. It was familiar and comfortable. She knew how it worked, knew they rhythm. But it also served as a reminder of what she had lost. Especially on days like today when she felt like she was drowning and didn't know which way was up.

Valentina continued through the apartment and walked through the bedroom to the ensuite bathroom. She reached in and turned on the shower before she started to strip out of her gym clothes. One by one, the items ended up in a pile on the floor as the steam from the shower slowly started to fog up the room. As she removed her long-armed sweater, she caught her own image in the mirror and froze.

It started by her left clavicle, ran down between her breasts and ended just shy of her bellybutton. Her body was covered in scars of various sizes. You didn't grow up with two older brothers that got into trouble every five minutes without a scar or two. But this was by far, the ugliest and most expansive one. Valentine brought her trembling fingers up to her left shoulder and traced them along the length of the scar and felt the ridges and bumps of the tender skin that still was as soft as silk. The skin was still punk and had yet to blend in with the rest of the skin, making it stand out in the harsh bathroom lightning. She couldn't take her eyes off it.

The familiar tightness built up in her chest as her heartrate steadily sped up. She could feel the heat licking her face, getting warmer by the minute as the source came closer. The struggle to move her immobile body but not being able to move an inch. At the same time, it got harder and harder to breathe.

She remembered everything about that day. It's common for people to repress the trauma they experienced. The occasion would become a memory that was never again recovered. But Valentina could remember every single, horrifying second until the moment she blacked out crystal clear. It was always there in the back of her mind and paralyzed her whenever it came to the forefront.

Her breathing was fast and shallow as she stumbled her way into the shower. The second the glass door closed behind her and the hot water hit her face, Valentina lost it. Tears streamed down her face and mixed with the water from the shower. She had to press onto the wall in front of her to not lose her footing and fall to the floor. She knew from experience that there was nothing else to do but to let it all out or else it would only get worse until she made herself sick for the rest of the night. So, Valentina simply braced herself and let the fear break havoc with her body.

By the time the tears had stopped falling and she could breathe normally again, the bathroom was all fogged up and the water had long since turned cold. She quickly went through her routine in the shower and then left the bathroom without looking in the direction of the mirror. In the bedroom she pulled out a pair of tights and a hoodie that she quickly changed into.

She walked into the kitchen and immediately pulled out a beer from the fridge. It was not like she was going anywhere else tonight and after what just happened in the bathroom, she was in desperate need of something to take the edge off. She took a deep swig and let the cool liquid fill her with a sense of relief as it trickled down her throat. Today had been rough. Valentina was completely worn out. All of her defenses were down and in smithereens. There was no resistance left for all of those urges and thoughts she spent so much time trying to repress.

Her cellphone lay on top of the counter, almost as if it was mocking her or daring her to pick up her phone. Not one to pack down from a challenge, she did. Then she put it back down again, only to pick up it back up five seconds later. Valentina scrolled through her contacts until she reached the letter J and stumbled across a number that she hadn't used in over a year. Her finger hovered over the screen. One tap was all it would take, and she could talk to someone who understood. But then again, she did not know whether he still had the same number or not. What would she even say if he did answer? "Sorry I haven't been in touch, please help me."

Valentina sighed and practically threw the phone away again. There was no need for her to be alone with all of this, yet she was unable to make the call. She wasn't sure she was ready to face it all, and if she did make the call there was no more hiding, she would have to face the demons that haunted her mind. How pathetic was she? She glared at the phone and took another sip of the beer in her hand. It shouldn't be that hard, it was only a phone call, yet something held her back.

O

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Kelly froze with his arm raised and ready to knock on door number 7. In his other hand he held a six pack of beer. He hesitated. Was it really such a good idea to show up at her doorstep out of the blue and expect to be invited in? He had no obligation to check up on her. They were distant friends at best and didn't hang out on a regular basis. But wasn't that exactly what she had done a couple of weeks ago? She came over with food and forced her company upon him in an attempt to cheer him up. Why couldn't he return the favor?

Before he psyched himself out of it again, he pounded on the door and took a step back. He could hear shuffling from the inside and in the next second, Rossi's bare face peeked out at him from behind the door. She looked to the beer in his hand and back up at his face before she opened the door wider to let him in, all without saying a word.

He walked inside and immediately started to scan the room. It was clean, but sparse. It looked barely lived in. The only thing that even looked remotely personal was the bookcases filled to the brim with books and pictures. Other than that, the living room only had sofa, coffee table and a tv. No curtains hanged by the windows and no throw pillows anywhere. Kelly didn't know what he had expected Rossi's place to look like, but this was not it.

"So, this is your place!"

"Yeah." Rossi responded, sounding very amused at his opening line. "This is it."

Kelly walked into the kitchen and spotted the already opened bottle of beer on the kitchen counter.

"I see you started without me." he opened one of his own and turned to lean on the counter. Rossi stood in the doorway with a small smile on her face.

"You don't have to do this, Kelly. You don't owe me anything."

"I know."

"Then what are you doing here?"

"I don't know." he shrugged his shoulders. "I was worried about you."

"I'm fine!"

Kelly knew that was a lie. The slight waver in her voice told him a different story. Her eyes still lacked that sparkle that he had come to associate with her. And she looked exhausted. She wasn't fine and she was still feeling the effects from whatever troubled her. But she wasn't about to open up about it just yet.

He started to wander around the apartment and ended up by the bookshelves. She had all kinds of books. Fiction, non-fiction. From mystery to romance. It was all there, like her own mini-library. It wasn't uncommon to find her around the firehouse with her nose buried in a book to pass the time. Amongst the books she had placed photographs from different stages of her life. There were pictures from her graduation, of a little girl and different group constellations in various settings. Rossi wore a wide smile in every single one of them and looked absolutely stunning. He reached one of her dressed in camos and stopped.

"You were in the army?!" Kelly exclaimed and turned to look at Rossi that had remained in the kitchen.

"Six years, as a paramedic." he wandered back to the kitchen, eager to hear more.

"When did you get out?"

"Five months ago."

Kelly did the math in his head and came to the realization that she left the army just before she joined them at 51. Suddenly her behavior didn't need too much explanation anymore. He might not know exactly what caused her to freeze, but he would bet his life that it had something to do with her time in the army. No one served for as long as she did without walking away with some kind of trauma. He could only begin to imagine the things she must have seen and the things she must have gone through.

"Are you from Chicago?"

"No, I moved here less than four months ago."

"Why?"

"I thought it was time for a fresh start." her answer was vague and not to mention cliché, but it was also a plausible reason after so many years moving from place to place that a life in the army entailed. "And I know some people in the area."

"That's nice." Kelly trailed off before changing the subject again. "It's nothing to be ashamed about, you know that right?"

"What isn't?"

"Something rattled you today, and I can only imagine what it was. We all have them."

"Leave it alone, Kelly."

Rossi put her bottle down and walked over to the couch where she took a seat. She leant her elbows on her knees and put her head in her hands. Kelly followed and sat down next to her.

"I just want to help, but I can't do that if I don't know what's going on."

"I manage just fine on my own. Always have."

"That can be lonely." Kelly spoke from experience. He was a lone wolf, but since Shay came into his life, he had gotten more used to the idea of opening up to someone else. He didn't like to admit it, but it felt good to have someone else in your corner.

"I'm used to it."

Everything in her tone told Kelly to leave whatever it was alone. But he was stubborn. Saying no to him was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. He came here with a mission, and he was not leaving until he had succeeded. He also hated the resignation he could hear in her voice during her last statement.

Kelly could tell the moment she relented. Her shoulders sagged and she drew in a huge breath before she raised her head and looked at him.

"Something happened during my last deployment." Rossi's voice shook as she spoke. "Today, the injuries, the smell, the sounds… they were all too familiar and hit a little too close to home."

Valentina shrugged her shoulders and quickly looked away before Kelly had time to process her words. Kelly reached out and wrapped his hand around her smaller one and gave it what he hoped was a comforting squeeze. The fact that she finally entrusted him with her story, humbled him and he appreciated how difficult it must be for her to talk about. But he wasn't sorry that he made her tell him. It was another piece of the puzzle that was Valentina Rossi and he got more and more intrigued the more he got to know.

"Thank you!" Kelly said quietly. "Does anyone know?"

"No." Valentina shook her head. "You're the only one I've told. And I would like to keep it that way, at least for a little while."

"That's cool. I've got your back!"

Kelly could understand her need for privacy. At the house, everyone knew everyone's business. They were in close quarters for days on end. Kelly swore that people sometimes knew the amount of coffee he had had that day or what he dreamt the night before. The big things, the truly big things, those you kept close to the vest to avoid them spreading around the house before you were ready to hear everyone's opinion or advice. That was a well-known fact.

Valentina smiled appreciatively at him and squeezed his hand in return.

"Thank you!"