Chapter 7: Arsenic and Oldies

Smoke burned Eiji's throat and lungs as he half-carried, half-dragged an unconscious Ash by the armpits. The deafening sound of the fire alarm blared in his ears as he made his way down the hall. Panic swarmed in his blood as he opened the stairwell door. They were on the eighth floor, they'd never make it down in time. Ash was so heavy, as if he were made of bricks, yet Eiji's own limbs felt somehow heavier. Below him on the stairs, he could hear someone running down. He peered over the railing and saw a strong-looking man taking the stairs three at a time. That man could help him, Eiji thought. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to call out to him, but no sound would come. Instead, more smoke filled his lungs, causing him to cough violently. His eyes burned with tears and smoke.

Eiji's eyelids ripped open like a window shade. He struggled for a moment to catch his breath. A thin sheen of sweat coated his face and chest. 'These nightmares are getting out of hand.' he thought in frustration. He half-sat up and glanced at the clock on Ash's desk. 2:03 AM. His head fell back to his pillow with a soft thump.

He felt wide awake now, as he typically did after a nightmare. He quietly got out of bed, as not to wake Ash. He used the bathroom and returned to his bed. It was suddenly far too hot to sleep. He ripped off his sweatpants and tossed them to the floor. He rolled over with a thump and closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep. But as the minutes ticked by, sleep never came. He reluctantly looked at the clock. 2:59 AM. He closed his eyes tight, mentally cursing this insomnia that so frequently plagued him. It was still too hot! He bounded out of bed, his feet hitting the floor louder than he expected. He went down the hall and turned the thermostat down a few degrees. He plopped back in bed and closed his eyes once more. 'Sleeeeeep. Sleep!'

More time passed and he found his eyes open again. He couldn't be sure but Eiji didn't think he'd fallen asleep at all. He looked at the clock. 3:42 AM. Frustrated, he pulled his comforter from his bed and headed to the living room. If he couldn't sleep, he'd watch TV. He remembered what he'd told Ash about waking him to watch oldies next time he couldn't sleep, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Ash looked much too peaceful, his chest rising and falling slowly in a way that indicated deep sleep.

Eiji dropped his blanket on the couch and then went to the kitchen for something to eat. He decided on a slice of banana bread leftover from the one Bones insisted he try a few days back. A fork slipped from his hands as he grabbed it from the drawer, clattering to the floor.

In the other room, Ash's sprang up. He listened for a moment, his hand hovering above the gun on his nightstand. He heard a kitchen cabinet softly shut. 'Just Eiji.'

Eiji sat on the couch with his bread and a glass of milk. His comforter was wrapped around him like a cocoon. As he flipped on the TV, Ash emerged with his own sheet trailing behind him like a cape. He stood behind the couch, resting his chin on the top of Eiji's head.

"Wow, I can't believe you'd lie to me like that." Ash said with a dramatic yawn.

"You were in a deep sleep, I couldn't wake you." Eiji said, his mouth full with banana bread.

"Oldies?"

"Mmm." Eiji said as he flipped through the channels.

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Nightmare." Eiji answered, his eyes never leaving the TV as he continued to search for the channel. Ash didn't know he had nightmares almost every night. Somehow Ash standing behind him, unable to see his face, made it easier to say, casual even.

"What about?" Ash asked, his voice remaining casual.

Eiji let out a shaky, exasperated sigh "A fire in the apartment. You were unconscious and I was dragging you down the stairs. We weren't going to make it out." he flipped one too many channels, went back one, and finally settled on the oldies channel.

"So that's how you see me. An unconscious, dead weight." Ash said teasingly as he walked around to join Eiji on the couch.

"You joke, but it was terrifying." he said looking up at Ash. Ash sat close to Eiji on the couch, their bodies only centimeters apart.

"I know, I've had similar dreams. You dying and I can't save you." He tucked a strand of Eiji's hair behind this ear. "But they're only dreams, we're both safe."

'for now.' Ash thought to himself. But Eiji didn't need to hear that.

Ash's eyes flickered to the TV. "Arsenic and Old Lace! I love this one." Ash said, changing the subject. He'd seen this film as a child. The movie was about halfway through. Ash brought Eiji up to speed on the plot and characters.

"So they kill people? These little old ladies?" Eiji said in disbelief.

"Well, it's more like a mercy kill. They poison old, lonely men who they feel sorry for."

"But...you say it's a comedy?" Eiji was confused.

"Well yeah, it's supposed to be funny. The characters are a mess-Here! Look at this guy for example." Ash said pointing to the screen, on which a grown man dressed like Teddy Roosevelt ran up the stairs yelling 'CHARGE!'

"That's their nephew, he lives with them. He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt."

Eiji scrunched his face in obvious confusion. "Who?" he asked

"Roosevelt. He was a US president. Anyway, he's convinced he's building the Panama Canal in the basement, but really his aunts are burying people down there in the holes he digs." Ash explained.

Eiji shook his head. "And here I thought old movies were always sweet."

"I'm telling you it's a comedy, just watch, it's great." Ash told him. He grabbed the remote and turned up the volume several notches.

They sat there watching and after a few minutes, Eiji understood what Ash meant. It was very goofy. Soon they were both laughing at the ridiculous film. The purpose of watching old films was to fall asleep, but now, Eiji was more awake than he'd been before.

Eiji placed his now-empty plate on the floor as he finished the rest of his banana bread. He leaned back on the couch, his head finding Ash's shoulder.

"Okay?" he asked, even though he couldn't imagine Ash would say no.

"Mmm" Ash confirmed his suspicions, as he wrapped an arm around Eiji, pulling him closer.

As the movie ended and went to a commercial break, Eiji pulled away from Ash. He stretched his arms high over his head, causing the blanket he'd been wrapped in to fall and gather around his hips.

He smiled at Ash "You were right, that was a good one."

"Told you." His voice was casual, but his eyes were suddenly intense. He was looking at Eiji with eyes Eiji had never seen before.

"What?"

"You." Ash said before he could stop himself.

"Huh?"

"You." he repeated. "You're so fucking cute."

Eiji quickly looked away, embarrassed.

"Whatever." he said with a shy laugh.

"I'm serious." Ash said, tilting Eiji's head back to meet his eyes. "Can I?"

Eiji swallowed, his stomach flipping. "Yes."

And suddenly Ash was kissing him. They had only kissed a handful of times. It was always gentle, cautious, and almost calculated. This was not any of those things. He was kissing Eiji deeply, and with fervor, like he couldn't get enough. Eiji tasted sweet from the banana bread he had just eaten. Eiji's mouth opened to accommodate Ash's tongue which was intent on tangling itself with Eiji's. A soft moan resonated in Eiji's throat as Ash's hands found their way under Eiji's tank top. Ash had never touched him like this before, with so much desire. His fingers ran up Eiji's back. Ash's mouth traveled down Eiji's jawline and neck, his tongue tasting his hot skin as he went. Eiji let out a gasp and tangled his fingers tightly in Ash's hair. And then, it was over.

Ash broke away from Eiji's skin. He stood, eyes filled with panic. He stumbled backward a few steps.

"S-Sorry" was all he got out before he ran to the bathroom, bolting the door behind him.

Eiji sat there shell shocked. 'What did I do wrong?'

He could hear the water running in the bathroom. On the TV, an old Western played. Eiji turned it off, snapping back to reality. He rubbed his forehead, racking for his brain trying to understand what had just happened.

The water turned off. The bolt sounded and the door opened slowly. Ash emerged, his face red, his hairline damp. A few stray water droplets ran down his neck, wetting his shirt collar. He just stood there a moment, unable to meet Eiji's eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Ash, I-"

"It's not your fault." he said, staring at his own bare feet on the cold wood floor. His eyes traced the wood grain as he looked for the right words to speak.

"Eiji, I'm sorry. I-all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe. I-"

"It's okay, Ash, you don't have to apologize." Eiji said, his eyes filled with sympathy.

Ash's back slid down the door as he sank down to the floor. Eiji leaned over the back of the couch but did not move toward Ash. He felt he should give him some space.

"Sometimes, memories of...other times, bad times, come up." Ash explained. Eiji had guessed as much but didn't say so.

"Was it something I did?" Eiji asked. 'Something I can avoid in the future.' Eiji thought but didn't voice. He wasn't sure there would be a future, not if it caused Ash so much pain. So much panic.

"Fingers in my hair." Ash said, eyes still focused on the ground. Eiji touched Ash's hair many times before, and Ash had always enjoyed it. "Normally, it's fine." Ash continued. "Normally, I like it…" He hesitated.

"But?" Eiji prompted cautiously, his voice soft and low.

He took a deep breath, "but this time, your grip was...tight. You have no idea how many guys liked it rough. How many of them would pull my hair as they forced me where they wanted, as they-" he couldn't finish the sentence. He was shaking now, struggling to breathe again. "As they-" he tried again but still couldn't bring himself to say the words.

"Raped you." Eiji finished.

Ash let out a shaky breath. He slammed his fist against the bathroom door. "Fuck!" he shouted. Tears formed in his eyes. Eiji's footsteps were soft as he crossed the room to join Ash on the floor. He sat next to him, not touching.

"I promise it won't happen again. If there is an again. I understand if-"

Ash cut him off. "No, Eiji...I want there to be an again. I want you to touch me however you want, I just…" his head shot up from the ground to meet Eiji's eyes. "Look I trust you. The logical side of me trusts you. My brain knows you're nothing like those guys. That the last thing you want is to hurt me. But my body and mind aren't on the same page."

That phrase was one Eiji wasn't familiar with, but he was able to connect the dots.

"My body just remembers the trauma, the pain." Ash dropped his face into his hands and let out a muffled, frustrated groan.

Eiji placed a cautious hand on Ash's shoulder. He felt Ash relax a bit under his touch. "I can't possibly know your pain, but I do understand. And I'm so sorry. Sorry for everything that happened to you. And sorry I didn't think before I-"

"Eiji, please don't apologize when it's not your fault." Ash interrupted.

"Sorry." Eiji added quietly.

That caused Ash to chuckle. He met Eiji's eyes. "I enjoyed it up until-Can we try again?"

"No. Not tonight. Later. I want your body to trust me too. I want it to know that when you want me to stop, I always will. Always." Eiji said firmly.

"God, you're perfect" Ash breathed, almost inaudibly.

"Come on, let's get some sleep."

Eiji collected their forgotten blankets from the couch. When he returned to the bedroom Ash asked "Lay with me?"

"Okay." Eiji smiled.

Though Ash was the bigger of the two, it was him that was nestled against Eiji's chest. He held Eiji tightly as if he were a lifeline. It was almost half-past 5 in the morning as they drifted to sleep. The sun was beginning to rise. Normally, that would stress Eiji out, making it even harder to find sleep after a restless night. But right now, it didn't matter. He felt safe and he could only hope Ash felt safe as well.