Chapter Thirteen: Tightly Knotted To A Similar String
Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. The Earth continued to spin, bringing cold weather to Japan as it continued its eternal dance with the sun. Ash settled into the routine of the Okumura household, growing closer to them each day. Eiji would return to school at the start of the following semester, but for now, he and Ash spent their days together. Eiji was slowly giving Ash the grand tour of the town's best attractions, while also teaching him Japanese. It was a tedious process, but Ash was rather good at it. Their outings gave him opportunities to practice with people other than the Okumuras.
On Saturday mornings, Miyuki was kind enough to tutor Ash in Japanese. He had told her not to tell Eiji, but she was a far better teacher than he was. After their weekly lessons, Ash would treat her to lunch, each time letting her pick whichever place she'd like. He'd offered to pay her for the lessons, but she wouldn't hear of it. Secretly, he'd slip money into her wallet each week, just enough so she wouldn't notice. Though the start of their relationship was unconventional, to say the least, over the past few months they'd grown close. She was becoming the sister Ash didn't know he wanted. And she thought of him the same way, as another older, though not by much, brother.
On this particular Saturday afternoon, the sun shined particularly bright. It was strangely warm for early February. They sat in jackets and jeans in the park, lounging on a picnic blanket. Miyuki had asked Ash the night before if she could choose a picnic as their lunch today. She had looked at the forecast and was desperate to spend some time outside. Ash was more than happy to oblige. So, Miyuki packed them each a lunch of homemade sushi rolls and fresh fruit.
"These are delicious, you'll have to teach me sometime." Ash said, plopping another bite into his mouth.
Miyuki looked at him as if he had three heads. "It's sushi...it's really pretty intuitive." She giggled.
"I wasn't raised here!" He exclaimed, throwing up his hands as he shrugged. "It's not intuitive for me."
"You just pick what you want and roll it together with some rice!" She said, still acting as if it were the simplest of tasks. "I mean, isn't that basically like a sandwich? Pick what you want and slap it between some bread?"
"Well when you put it like that, I feel like an idiot. Thanks for that!" He joked, giving her shoulder a friendly push. "But it's the rolling part I think I'd be bad at. You all do it with such ease but I'm sure mine would be a mess."
She gave him a nod as she shrugged. "I guess that's fair." She said as she took a bite of fresh mango. "I can teach you sometime. Mom might be jealous though, she loves cooking with you."
"I mean, I won't stop her from joining in."
"Uh-uh," she began, shaking her head no, "the kitchen is too small for the three of us."
"Are you calling me fat?" Ash asked playfully.
"Ha! No, but you are a freaking giant!" She said, gesturing vaguely at him as he lounged on his elbows on the picnic blanket. Of course, she'd learned the word 'freaking' from Ash who used it often to censor his language.
"Only to babies."
"Are you calling me a baby?" She asked, pretending to be offended.
"Well, you are my baby sister."
"Only by a few months." She said, giving his foot a small kick with hers.
"Ow. I'm gonna tell mom." He said, acting hurt.
Miyuki laughed. "Oh, wow, ok. Now, who's the baby?" She teased right back. Ash let out a huff of a laugh.
Ash finished his last bite of mango and then flopped onto the blanket, using his arms to support his head.
"I haven't had a picnic since New York." He said, eyes closed to the sky.
"Oh yeah? Where at, Central Park?" She guessed as she ate another bite of sushi.
"Nah, just the roof of my apartment at the time. Eiji and I went up there once. I was wounded and it was the only place I could go without risking getting into trouble."
Ash had revealed his past as a gang boss weeks ago, so this statement came as no shock to her now.
"Sounds like a date, huh?" She said, raising an eyebrow even though he couldn't see her with his eyes closed to the sun.
"Our first." He said simply.
"That's so cute it made my stomach flip." She said. Ash loved how honest she always was.
Ash laughed. "And then we got rained on-it was a mess. But it was honestly so good." He said with a sappy, nostalgic smile.
Miyuki let out a happy sigh. "Sounds like it." She finished her last bite of food and then laid back on the blanket as well. She closed her eyes against the bright sun.
"Do you miss New York?"
"Sometimes. But more so I miss the people I left behind there."
"Mmm, sorry."
"It's ok. I'm happy to be here now. I would likely be dead by now had I stayed."
"And we're so happy to have you with us. Eiji would've broken if you had died." She said sadly.
"I know. That's why I'm here." He replied softly. The wind rustled through the trees as a lull of silence settled.
"Hey!" she said, excitedly changing the topic. "My spring break is coming up next month!"
"Mmm, that's exciting. Any plans?"
"Well I was thinking you, Eiji, and I could take a trip up to Tokyo." She said, turning her head to see his reaction.
"That could be fun." Ash said casually.
"Dad lives in Tokyo, I was thinking it would be a good time for you to finally meet him. Plus now you know some Japanese so it would be easier for you to talk with him. He really only knows a few words in English. Languages aren't really his thing."
"Think he'll like me?" Ash asked, nervousness creeping into his normally confident voice.
"What's not to like?" She answered sweetly.
"Hmm, I don't know...Gang boss, dating his son, barely speaks Japanese, traumatic past...just to name a few." He answered sarcastically
Miyuki flipped over so she was now laying on her stomach with her forearms supporting her body. "Eiji is right, you're too hard on yourself. He doesn't need to know those things. Plus you speak a good amount of Japanese now. You're a quick learner. Besides, dad is shit at languages, so he has no right to judge."
Ash laughed at her language. "You can add 'teaching his daughter to curse' to the list."
"Eh, I've always cursed, now I just curse in English too"
Ash turned his head and opened one eye to look at her. "There's no way that's true."
"Yeah, ok, that's a lie." She said with a grin.
A mom with a child passed them now as they lay there talking. She smiled at them as she passed.
"Think she thinks we're dating?" Miyuki wondered aloud.
"Eh, probably." Ash said simply.
"Hmph! You're so hard to fluster, Ash!" Miyuki huffed.
Ash was very good at flustering Eiji and Miyuki. Eiji and Miyuki had a game going where they would both get points for flustering Ash. Ash kept a running tally of the points. He didn't trust Miyuki or Eiji to be truthful if they were in charge of their own points. There was no winning or end in sight, it was purely for fun.
"I saw that one coming a mile away." He replied coolly
"So anyway, what's your answer?"
"For what?"
"Tokyo?"
"Yeah, I'll go. I assumed that had been established. Will we stay with your dad?"
"Nah, his place is tiny! Plus I thought it'd be fun to get a hotel room! That way, we can swim!" She told him with great excitement. "I've got some money saved up-"
"No, don't spend your money on that, it'll be my treat."
"No way! It's my idea so it will be my treat!" She raised her voice, then added hastily, "Actually the three of us should probably split it. I'll still need money for a ticket and food once we get there."
"Please, you're still in high school. You hardly have any time to work. There's no way I'm letting you pay for anything more than your own food."
"What's your deal with money, Ash?" She asked with a little more bite this time. "I know you slip money into my wallet each week!"
His face turned serious. "I once stole a good deal of money from this creep I knew back in New York."
Miyuki looked at him with furrowed brows as he lay there, eyes still closed in the sun. "You mean, the creep who…" Her voice trailed off. She couldn't bring herself to say the words. Besides that day in the kitchen all those months ago, this wasn't something they talked about.
"Yes." He replied solemnly.
"Oh." She said in a low voice. "How much money?" She asked, unable to stop herself.
"Way too much for one person to ever spend." He told her vaguely.
Miyuki made an amused sound in the back of her throat. "Well! He deserved it." She said confidently.
"Yes he fucking did." Ash said, his voice coated in hatred at the thought of Dino.
"He's...he's not ever going to come looking for you...is he?" She asked meekly.
"Are you worried he will?"
"Yeah...you're too good of a person for all of that…"
"Even shit people don't deserve what he did." He responded quietly. "But to answer your question, no. He won't be coming after me. Before I fled New York, I made sure my boys took care of him for good. He's rotting in hell now." Ash said, the hatred in his voice again.
Miyuki let out a sigh of relief. "...good…" Slowly, she changed to a sitting position, staring down at Ash.
"Ash?" She asked quietly.
"Hmmm?"
"I'm so happy to know you. You're a really good person and I just….I just hope you know that." She said sweetly
He opened his eyes and sat. He reached out and gave her a tight hug. She laughed and squealed as he hugged her so tight she worried her eyes might pop from her skull and her ribs shatter. He released her and gave her a small half-smile.
"Come on, we should start heading back." He said as he rose and began to collect their things.
Since that fateful night in October, Ash and Eiji's relationship had stagnated. Mostly they spent the nights simply kissing and falling asleep together. Sometimes Ash would move back down to his own room during the night, while other times he'd stay with Eiji the whole night. Other nights he would sleep exclusively in his own bed. Ash had only tried touching Eiji twice since that first time in October. The first time went smoothly, much like the time before. The second time, however, ended badly. Ash had panicked and called things off. They hadn't tried again since. Sometimes even kissing was too much for Ash to handle. Each time, it broke Eiji's heart to watch him fall apart.
Eiji kept a mental list of the things that set Ash off. Sometimes it was unclear, and even Ash himself didn't understand the trigger. Other times it was very clear. Fingers too tight in his hair. Nails on his back. Hands on his hips. Fingers under his shirt. Hands clutching the headboard. Calling Ash 'an angel.' These were just some of the things on Eiji's list of things not to do. Things that might throw Ash into bad memories.
The problem was, Ash noticed Eiji's unspoken mental list. And it wasn't helping. Eiji was running out of things for his hands to do. It made Ash feel even more broken than he already did.
On this particular night in February, Ash had wanted to try again. He wanted to please Eiji the same way he had only twice before. As he lay over Eiji, touching him, Eiji's hands were fisted into the sheets beneath him. Eiji lay there, panting with pleasure under Ash's hand. Ash wanted to enjoy himself. He was trying his hardest to enjoy himself. But he couldn't. His heart was beating much too fast. But not with pleasure. With fear. After a few more moments he muttered the fateful word "stop" into Eiji's neck, even though he was the only one doing the touching. He pulled away, leaving Eiji breathless.
"Are you alright?" Eiji asked as he struggled to sit.
The sight of him threw Ash over the edge. Suddenly he couldn't breathe. He violently opened the door and raced down the hall. He tripped over a laundry basket as he made his way to the upstairs bathroom. He practically fell into the bathroom, closing the door loudly behind him.
Eiji took several deep, calming breaths, willing the hardness between his legs to settle a bit before walking out of the room to check on Ash. As he walked out his door, he found Miyuki already standing in the hall.
"Is he sick?" She asked, her eyes fixated on the bathroom door down the hall, not yet looking at Eiji.
They got their answer as they heard Ash vomit into the toilet.
Miyuki took one look at her shirtless brother in the hall beside her. His flushed skin, dilated pupils, messy hair, swollen lips, and still slightly tented shorts answered her unspoken question.
"Oh." She said softly. There was both an awkwardness and a sadness in her voice.
"Sometimes we try." Eiji explained simply. "Just kissing and touching." Eiji clarified. "He does all the touching-"
"When you say 'touching' you mean-?" She interrupted.
"Yeah." Eiji said awkwardly. "He doesn't like to be touched, only to touch me...but still, it often ends like this. But I've never seen him this bad off."
With slight difficulty, Eiji made his way to the bathroom door.
Miyuki stayed at the end of the hall watching, a look of great pain on her face. This was her first time seeing Ash like this. Just that afternoon, they sat joking and chatting in the park. Now, he was hidden behind the bathroom door, barfing his guts out, writhing in emotional agony.
"Ash?" Eiji asked gently, his fingers gave the door the tiniest of knocks.
There was no answer, just the sound of Ash continuing to vomit.
Eiji tried the handle. It was unlocked. Very slowly, he opened the door.
Inside, the sight of Ash was too much for Miyuki to handle. Hot, silent tears streamed down her face at the sight of him. He kneeled on the tile before the toilet. His elbows leaned on the cold toilet seat, his hands placed upon his own shoulders. His head hung low into the toilet bowl. He had abandoned his shirt on the floor and was now shiny with sweat. Despite his sweaty state, he was paler than either Eiji or Miyuki had ever seen him. He vomited once more, this time only bitter, yellow bile left his stomach. He then collapsed on the tile floor, taking in shaky breath after shaky breath.
Eiji placed a cautious hand on his shoulder, causing Ash to jump. Eiji withdrew his hand instantly. Tears came more quickly from Miyuki's eyes.
"It's alright, Ash. You're safe." He whispered so quietly Miyuki could hardly hear from the end of the hall. "Shhh, you're safe."
"What went wrong?" Eiji asked sympathetically after Ash's breathing calmed a bit.
After a long pause, Ash answered from the cold tile floor. "You do this thing, Eiji...where you avoid everything that has ever triggered me." He took a deep breath. "Believe me, Eiji, I've noticed it. I know you do it to avoid hurting me, but it's only making it worse. I feel broken." He let out a shaky breath that morphed into a small sob as he said the last word.
Intense guilt washed over Eiji. The very thing he thought was helping was actually hurting him. Unraveling him slowly.
Ash took another deep breath before he continued talking. "It's like...you've run out of ways that are safe to react." Another sob escaped him.
Eiji continued to sit there quietly, not touching, as Ash spoke his words from the floor, through eyes closed in shame.
"You were just laying there like a fucking dead fish!" He yelled. He opened his eyes, briefly glancing at Eiji. The words hurt. Eiji's expression held so much pain and guilt. Silent tears fell from his eyes.
"I don't know why I'm yelling...I'm not angry. I just-" He inhaled sharply before getting out the next sentence. "Fuck, I felt like I was raping you, Eiji! It made me sick! I felt like I was on the other end for once. Like I was one of Dino's disgusting fucking customers raping some poor boy instead of the other way around!"
The word 'customers' caused Miyuki's ears to ring. For a moment that's all she heard. She finally, after all these months, understood. Now she was the one who felt she might be sick. She swallowed back bile as it burned her mouth and throat. She was sitting against the wall now, sobbing, unable to remain quiet any longer.
Ash and Eiji looked up. Eiji had forgotten she was there, Ash never noticed her in the first place.
"Fuck." Ash muttered. With shaky limbs, he pulled himself up from the tile. He hastily threw on his shirt. He turned to Eiji and placed his forehead against his. "I'm sorry for yelling...I'm not angry. Not with you. With Dino for breaking me."
"You're not broken, Ash." Eiji said softly between tears.
"I am."
Eiji hugged him tightly as he muttered "No. No, you're really not."
Ash pulled away and stood. Eiji started to get to his feet, but Ash put a firm hand on his shoulder. The hand said 'wait' so he stayed sitting in the doorway.
Ash walked down the hall to Miyuki and slid down the wall, sitting beside her.
"Sorry you had to see that." He told her softly.
"You were...forced to...be...a prostitute?" She choked out, completely ignoring his apology.
"...ye-yeah…" He breathed.
"Since you were a child?" Her voice cracked.
"Try not to think about it." He mumbled.
She broke down, crying even harder than she had been before. Ash draped an arm around her shoulders. She fell onto his shoulder as she cried. Eiji softly walked down the hall and sat beside Ash. He wrapped his arm around Ash's waist.
"I'm so sorry." Eiji whispered. "I really was just trying to help. If I had known-
"I know. I know, Eiji." Ash whispered back.
"We can start fresh. I'll forget I ever had that mental list. I'll prove you're not broken." Eiji added softly
"I am though." Ash said, his voice breaking through tears again.
"You're not. I promise" He whispered, placing a kiss on Ash's shoulder.
The three of them sat huddled together in some strange pile of crying humans. Humans that cried for different reasons all connected to the same core. Humans that all cared for one another in different ways. Exhausted from crying, Miyuki fell asleep first on Ash's shoulder. Eiji fell asleep not long after on Ash's other shoulder. In that moment, the feeling of brokenness left Ash. He felt warm, safe, and above all else, loved. Because he was. They loved him in different ways, but both Eiji and Miyuki loved Ash so, so much. Downstairs, Aki slept, oblivious to what was happening in the hallway above her. But had she known, she'd be up there too. Crying and hugging Ash along with her children. Ash leaned his head on Eiji's. And so they slept, a strange, loving, tear-stained pile of humans