Chapter Sixteen: Doppelganger
The chime of a phone broke through the crisp hotel room air. And then another. And another. And finally, a fourth chime. Ash could barely open his eyes as he reached for his phone. The bright LED light nearly blinded him in the dark room. He placed a hand over his eyes for a moment before slowly opening them to read the texts.
Four texts. All from Miyuki.
They read:
"Sorry about last night, I am such an idiot sometimes."
"I got tired of waiting for you guys to wake up. Early to bed, early to rise is the saying, but I guess you've decided to ignore the second half :P"
"I texted my friend who goes to school here. We're gonna hang out today. You can go to that sushi place without me as long as you PROMISE to go again with me before we leave."
"I'll probably be back sometime after dinner. We should do another movie night. That adventure one sounded fun."
The words seemed to burn into his eyes even after he'd closed them again. He put his phone back on the nightstand, his head already falling back into the pillow. He'd answer her texts later. With a sudden jolt, he quickly picked up the phone again, remembering her words; 'I got tired of waiting for you guys to wake up.' He checked the time. 11:14. He inhaled sharply in surprise. He couldn't believe they'd slept so long. Eiji never slept this late. And he rarely let Ash sleep this late. He looked at Eiji who was still fast asleep. His eyes danced under his eyelids. He was still dreaming. Ash lay back down beside him and fell back asleep.
At 11:53 Ash woke again. Somehow, Eiji was still asleep. Ash couldn't believe it. He decided to get up. He got dressed for the day, putting on jeans and a pale blue crewneck sweatshirt. He answered Miyuki's texts, promising her a movie night and a trip to the onsen to make up for their laziness. Then, he quietly ventured to the lobby and returned with two coffees. When he returned, he placed one of the coffees on the nightstand by Eiji. Maybe the smell would wake him. Then Ash pulled back the curtains a bit to step outside onto the balcony. As he did so, Eiji woke up.
He let out a painful groan as the light blinded him. "Ash," he complained as he hid his face beneath the blankets.
"Afternoon," Ash said, his voice laced with humor.
Eiji ripped the blankets off his head, exposing his bare chest. He sat up rapidly. "What!?" He asked in shock as Ash's choice of words registered.
"You slept until noon."
"Shit!" Eiji said. However, he made no effort to get out of bed. He just flopped back down loudly onto the mattress. "We wasted half the day." He whined.
"Eh, whatever. There's still half a day left. It's nice to have a chill morning."
Eiji sat again with more force than last time. "Miyuki!" He exclaimed. "Oh man, she's gonna be so pissed!"
His legs swung off the bed. His feet got tangled in the blankets, tripping him, as he tried to stand. In two large, hurried steps, Ash crossed the room, catching him by the armpits preventing him from face-planting.
Ash laughed as Eiji struggled to stand and untangle his feet.
"Calm down. Miyuki already texted me. She's hanging out with a friend."
Eiji let out a sigh of relief.
"Come on, I got coffee," Ash said, before heading out to the balcony.
Outside, the sun was high in the sky and people bustled in the streets below them. It would have been quite warm if it weren't for the cool breeze. In spring, this type of weather was refreshing. It reminded everyone that summer was on the way, but not quite here yet. Eiji stepped outside and then immediately went back in. Ash laughed as he returned with the hotel comforter draped around his shoulders like a cloak. Only his head and the hand that held his coffee peeked out.
"It's not that cold," Ash said lightheartedly.
"I'd rather not be cold at all," Eiji told him. Eiji pulled a chair close to Ash and sat beside him. He sipped his coffee. "Mmmm what flavor is this?" He asked Ash.
"Hazelnut. But I made it with half and half. That's what really makes it."
"It's good." He said sleepily before taking another sip.
"Last night" Eiji stated, "I just wanted to say I'm really proud of you."
"Nothing to be proud of, I enjoyed it," Ash said, shrugging it off.
"That's why I'm proud. You've obviously made a lot of progress. A few weeks ago there's no way that could have happened."
"Just don't get your hopes up. Could be a one-time thing." Ash said, staring at his coffee.
"I know. And that's okay if it is." Eiji told him reassuringly.
Ash stood forcefully, causing the chair to rattle, and leaned onto the balcony, examining the street below. "How can you just say that? Doesn't it bother you?" He asked with some heat to his voice.
"I-"
"It's ok, Eiji. It bothers me. You're allowed to be bothered."
"All I'm saying is it's ok-"
"But it's not okay. I don't want it to be this way! I want every night to be like last night. Better even." He ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I know what it's like-to feel good-even if I've never liked it before. It's another one of those things where the body betrays the mind."
Eiji looked sad as he watched Ash's sudden outburst. He understood what he was saying even though he didn't say it explicitly.
"And I want that for us-And it bothers me that it very well may never happen! And I'm tired of being so damn unpredictable...Like… I don't always wanna have to wonder if my body's gonna betray me!" Ash said, raising his voice. He whipped around to face Eiji. "And it's okay if it bothers you!" He lowered his voice, calming a bit, "...makes it better somehow. Maybe it's selfish, I don't know...I just...fuck, I don't even know." He couldn't find the right words to express himself. He turned back around and leaned on his forearms on the balcony rail.
"You're right…" Eiji said slowly. "It does bother me. And I'm not just saying that. It does. What you want...I want that too." They both understood what the other meant without having to speak the words. "But it bothers me much more to see you panicked and in pain. That breaks my heart. Every time."
Ash turned back around to face Eiji, watching him closely as he spoke.
"So that's why I'm happy to keep things as they are, to not rush. I'm okay with it because you feeling safe, you feeling comfortable with what we can do… that's what matters most. Even if that's just kissing. I'd give it all up for you to feel safe. Because that's what you deserve. After years and years of torment. You deserve to feel safe."
"But you deserve to be satisfied." Ash pointed out.
"Look, Ash, that's not why I'm with you. I could date someone else and be physically satisfied. But I don't want that. I want to be with you. No matter what. I love you and that's all that matters. You're so worth waiting for."
Ash let out a long, whistle-like sigh, as if he were a machine decompressing. "For a foreigner, you sure have a way with words," Ash told him.
"You're the foreigner now, Ash," Eiji smirked.
"You know what I mean." Ash sat back on the chair beside Eiji. "I was all worked up about nothing again."
Like always, Eiji was able to honestly communicate his feelings in a way that calmed and comforted Ash.
"You want it too. But you're willing to wait." Ash reflected.
"For as long as you need," Eiji added.
"Could be a long time, Eiji."
"I assume that it will be." He said simply. "And yeah sometimes that's frustrating...but it's all worth it if it means you're safe and know you can trust me."
"I've always known I can trust you," Ash said, looking sincerely at Eiji, without skipping a beat.
Eiji smiled at Ash. "You should put that as a 'special skill' on your resume."
"Huh?" Ash was genuinely confused.
"Saying 'I love you' without actually saying it. You do it all the time. It's a special skill of yours." Eiji said, smiling sweetly.
Ash's face softened. "Only if you put 'fluent in making Ash Lynx feel better' on yours." Ash teased.
"Deal."
"I wish we would've had these in America," Ash commented as he strolled down the Main Street of Ueno Park observing the splendor of the cherry blossom trees.
"I didn't know you were one for flowers." Eiji teased.
"Hey, I can appreciate beauty." He replied.
"So, where to?" Ash asked, looking around at the scenery.
"The pond," Eiji said with a smirk.
"What's with the face? Why do I have a feeling you're up to something?" Ask ashed suspiciously.
Eiji didn't answer him. Instead, he just shrugged and began leading the way.
Ash followed after him.
When they reached the Shinobazu Pond, Ash understood the face Eiji had made. The pond was filled with couples and families on rowboats, as well as a few boats shaped like swans.
"You're gonna rent a swan aren't you?" Ash asked.
"I am!" Eiji said, smirking mischievously.
"Can we have a pale pink one?" Eiji asked the attendant in Japanese after he paid. The attendant agreed and began leading them to their boat.
"Did you ask for a pink one?" Ash asked, looking thoroughly amused.
"MmmHmm! Pale pink to be exact" Eiji smiled. "They are so much cuter than the white ones. And Miyuki likes the dark pink ones so we usually rent one of those."
Ash smiled at Eiji's back as he walked in front of him. He was wearing their favorite pink and white striped sweater and pale-colored jeans. Ash had never expected to fall for such a soft boy-a boy with a collection of beautiful sweaters, a boy who wrapped himself in blankets in the morning chill, a boy who rented swan boats. They climbed into the boat. The attendant told them to be back in an hour. They set off in the paddle boat. Although the sun was shining brightly overhead, the breeze made it a bit chilly out on the pond
"Good thing this boat has a roof," Ash said, thumping it lightly with the top of his hand. "I burn so easy, I'd probably burn to a crisp if we weren't in the shade."
"In only an hour?" Eiji asked. He found that hard to believe.
"Yeah, I'm serious. I used to burn so bad in the summer back when I lived in Cape Cod. You probably never burn, huh?"
"Not really. Just tan." Eiji replied in an almost braggy voice.
"Lucky. I can't tan for the life of me."
Eiji looked at Ash with a sly smile as he continued to paddle. "But I bet you freckle."
Ash dipped his hand into the water and flicked his fingers, sending a spray of water onto Eiji. Eiji cackled in laughter. Ash tried to bite back a smile but failed miserably. They were both laughing like idiots as they floated along.
"Hey, I want you to take me to that sushi place tonight," Ash said after they regained composure.
"After you splashed me? No way." Eiji said, angling his eyebrows and pretending to be upset. He couldn't fake it for long. Within seconds he was laughing again. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Yeah, that'd be fun." He agreed.
"Cool. Oh, and I promised Miyuki we'd visit the onsen and watch Indiana Jones tonight." Ash added.
"Which one was that?" Eiji asked, trying to remember all the movies Ash had brought.
"The adventure one. They're searching for the Arc of the Covenant." Ash said, jogging his memory.
"Oh, yeah, that's right. The cover looked fun." Eiji recalled.
"I never knew I liked movie nights until that time we watched Titanic," Ash remarked.
"What, you didn't watch them with the guys before that?" Eiji asked. He was confused. He thought everyone liked movie nights.
"No, I did. They just liked different stuff. They were always into big action movies. They thought it was fun, but that was kinda our life-shooting and danger and shit. I had enough of that already."
"And you never suggested anything different?"
"I have a reputation to uphold," Ash told him sarcastically.
Eiji smiled with half-lidded eyes as he nodded upward with his chin. "Ah, I see."
"You wanna get splashed again?" He asked threateningly.
Eiji flinched and laughed as Ash flicked him with more water.
"You're such a brat." Ash joked.
Eiji just laughed. They continued paddling. They passed other couples and it hit Ash just how damn lucky he was to be here, on a date, with Eiji.
"What number date is this, Ei-chan?" Ash asked. He knew Eiji would know.
Without a second's delay, he answered him. "22." He said as he smiled at Ash. "But that's not counting walks or everyday things or when Miyuki tags along. Otherwise, it'd be higher but I don't count all that."
"You're too much...but like in the best way," Ash replied.
They continued paddling and making mindless conversation. They parked in the shade of a cherry blossom tree for a bit as they talked, before turning back before their hour ran out. They continued to walk around the park after their boat ride. Eiji showed Ash some of his favorite areas. He pointed out statues and cultural landmarks such as the Tokyo Art Museum. When they reached the Imperial Library, Ash's face lit up.
"Can we go in?" He asked. His face looked almost childlike with excitement.
"I knew you'd want to go in." Eiji smiled. He knew how much Ash loved the public library in New York.
The familiar smell of old books bombarded them as they walked through the doors. Ash breathed in deeply. The smell reminded him so much of New York. Although he was happy, he felt a slight wave of sadness wash over him. Eiji noticed instantly.
"Does it make you miss New York?" Eiji asked with genuine concern.
"This whole city makes me miss New York." He stated. But what was New York if he had to keep a low profile? And how could New York possibly be worth it if he had to leave Eiji behind?
Ash noticed Eiji's sad expression. "I'm over it. Just miss it a bit sometimes, ya know?" Ash shrugged. "I'd rather be alive and here with you than 'dead' in New York." Ash's hands did air quotes as he said the word dead.
Eiji's expression lightened slightly. He took Ash's hand, tangling their fingers, and said, "Come on. Lots to see."
"Welllllll?" Eiji asked, leaning over the table on his forearms in anticipation. "What do you think?"
Ash set down his chopsticks and mimicked the face Eiji made when he tried food he loved. He squinted his eyes and slapped his face in mock joy. He opened his eyes again as he heard Eiji laughing.
"I do not do that, Ash!" Eiji laughed.
"Yeah, ya do, Ei-chan," Ash said matter-of-factly. Ash took another bite of sushi. He looked at Eiji, pointing to the food with his chopsticks. "That is some good fucking sushi."
Eiji blushed as if Ash were complimenting him and not the food.
Ash pointed at Eiji with his chopsticks. He gestured to his blushing face in a circular motion. "What's with that?" He asked, his mouth full of sushi.
Eiji placed a hand to his warm cheeks. He hadn't even realized he'd blushed until Ash pointed it out. "N-n-nothing!" He said too quickly. He lowered his head and began eating his own roll.
"Oh, now you have to tell me." Ash lowered his head and looked up at Eiji's hidden face.
Eiji blushed deep red now.
"Come on, please?" He begged.
Eiji made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. "Ugh, it's just - The way you cussed was attractive." Eiji blurted out. His face never left the table.
For some odd reason, the statement made Ash's stomach flip. "You think it's hot when I cuss?"
Eiji blushed even more if that was possible. That was certainly not the word he'd used but perhaps it better described what he was too embarrassed to say. Eiji took a large gulp of water, in an attempt to cool his face. Ash smirked at how flustered he was.
"Yeah." He said finally. "But like-happy cussing." Ash often cussed when he was angry or panicked. That was heartbreaking, rather than attractive.
"Ha. Good to know." Ash said much too casually as he returned his attention to his plate.
Eiji finally met his gaze again. "Ugh, I am so gonna regret admitting that."
"Mmmhmm." Ash agreed with a mouth full of sushi. Ash finished chewing before speaking again. "On mornings when your mom and Miyuki are already gone-the way you drink tea in your underwear. That's hot." Ash said, making Eiji blush all over again. "There. Even." He added with a wink.
"Even." Eiji agreed. He took another gulp of water.
"So, we're going to the onsen tonight," Ash said, mercifully changing the subject. "Anything I should know?"
Eiji's face sobered. "I know Miyuki is excited and all but I'm not actually sure you'll like it. It's a public bath and you're expected to not wear anything. Wearing a swimsuit is considered rude. If it makes you uncomfortable you don't have to go."
Ash sat and considered his words. "Hmmm. A bunch of naked dudes, huh?" He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Yeah, that could end badly…" He pictured himself running naked from the onsen in panic. He pushed the thought away. That was exactly what he wasn't supposed to do. He'd learned in therapy to picture himself succeeding, instead of the worst foreseeable outcome.
"You really don't have to. The female and male baths are separate. We could just lie to Miyuki, tell her you loved it."
"Is the water clear?" Ash asked.
"Sometimes, but Miyuki said this water is the cloudy type. There's sulfur in the water so it gives it a milky appearance. Once you're in, you can't see through the water. I assume that's what you're asking." Eiji answered.
Ash took a drink of sake. "I'll give it a go." He decided. "And if things go south, we leave. Doesn't have to be a big deal." He said, it was more of a self pep talk more than anything.
Ash kept his towel around him until the last possible moment. It wasn't exactly good etiquette, but he didn't care. He'd gladly play the 'I'm a foreigner and I don't know better' card for this one. He placed the towel on the ground and quickly sat in the cloudy water. He closed his eyes and let out a loud exhale.
"Okay?" Eiji asked under his breath, not wishing to draw more attention their way. He didn't want Ash to feel more watched than he already did.
"I'm fine," Ash answered. He let out one more deep breath before opening his eyes again. He took in his surroundings. In the water before them were several other heads bobbing in the steamy water. Several small lanterns lit the outdoor space quite well. A tall bamboo fence separated the male bath from the female one. Overall, it was quiet and serene.
"This is nice," Ash said after a moment more. "Feels good after walking all day," Ash remarked.
"Mmm, and those boats! Those always make my legs hurt more than they should." Eiji commented.
They barely talked as they sat in the hot water, soaking up its goodness. People came and went. Ash averted his eyes each time. Eiji noticed, of course, but didn't comment. They'd discussed it, if Ash started to feel anxious, they'd leave. After twenty minutes or so, a short, stout bald American tourist approached the onsen. Ash hadn't noticed him yet, but Eiji had. Eiji thought the man looked far too much like Dino. If he thought so, he was certain Ash would as well. Ash's head started to pivot toward the man. Eiji placed a hand on his cheek and pushed his face in the other direction, towards himself. Instinctively Ash tried to look back in the other direction. Eiji pushed his face away again.
"What?" Ash snapped.
"Trust me. Don't look that way." Eiji said calmly. "Ya know what, just close your eyes a minute."
Ash did not close his eyes. He was so tempted to look. It felt like his head was being pulled by a magnetic force. He couldn't bring his head to move but his eyes started to migrate to the side. Eiji cupped his hand around his eyes like horse blinders.
"Trust me." He said very firmly. "Don't. look."
Reluctantly, Ash closed his eyes. The man was finally submerged in the water. Eiji removed his hand from Ash's face. Ash opened his eyes. Slowly he turned his head. This time Eiji didn't stop him. His eyes found the Dino look-a-like immediately. He felt a wave of anxiety rush through him. His face went back to Eiji. His face was twisted in pain and fear. His breathing was shaky and uneven.
Eiji placed a firm hand on his shoulder and gripped him tightly. "It's not him. Dino's dead. He just looks like him. It's not him, Ash. I'm right here with you. You're safe." Eiji told him in a low, soothing voice. "You're safe." He repeated, desperately hoping to interrupt the brewing fear.
Ash closed his eyes and took several deep breaths.
"You wanna go?" Eiji asked calmly.
"No. I'm winning this time." Ash said bitterly through gritted teeth. It was a new technique of his. He began thinking of episodes of anxiety and panic as fights to be won. If he panicked or acted in a way that gave into panic, such as leaving the onsen now, then anxiety won. If he fought through it and overcame the situation despite the unpleasant feelings, then he won. When he told his therapist about it, she found it amusing. But if it worked, it worked, so he kept at it.
"Okay," Eiji said softly, his grounding grip remaining on Ash's shoulder.
Ash forced himself to look back at the man on the other side of the onsen. He breathed deeply. The more he looked at him, the more obvious it became that this man was not Dino. This man's face looked far too kind. His skin was creased with smile lines, rather than years and years of anger and rage. Eiji felt Ash's shoulders relax under his hand. He released his shoulder, taking Ash's hand, below the water's surface, instead. Ash tangled his fingers tightly with Eiji's.
"You should be really proud of yourself," Eiji said softly, giving Ash's hand a tight squeeze.
"Good thing you saw him first. That could've been bad." Ash whispered. "Let's make sure we leave before he does." He added after another second of thought.
They stayed in the bath ten more minutes before leaving.
"So what'd ya think?!" Miyuki asked excitedly as they met up outside the onsen
"Very relaxing," Ash replied. It was a half-lie. If he and Eiji had been the only two there it would have been divine. And if being surrounded by naked strangers didn't summon painful memories, he would have had longed to go again.
Miyuki jumped into the huge king-sized bed after pressing 'play' on the DVD player. Eiji lay in the middle of the bed, with Ash snuggled close to his side. Despite their late start to the day, it had been a long one. The trip to the park was somewhat physically tiring, but the conversation they had that morning on the balcony and the close call at the onsen was much more emotionally taxing. Ash agreed to a movie night but had no intention of staying awake. Not even fifteen minutes in he was fast asleep, his head resting on Eiji's shoulder. A few times Eiji and Miyuki's laughs woke him briefly. Each time he was filled with a warm feeling of safety. Before coming to know the Okumuras so well, this was such a foreign and rare feeling. Now, it was something he felt often when surrounded by their presence. Each time upon waking, he simply snuggled closer to Eiji, his arms tying themselves around his waist, and fell back asleep. Ash did not wake when the movie ended. Miyuki bid Eiji goodnight and went back to her own room
For the good five minutes that preceded sleep, Eiji reveled in the warmth of the man snuggled up beside him. Ash - who was often so hostile to others but so gentle to him, who hated touch but loved Eiji's, who maintained a tough exterior around others but let himself be vulnerable to Eiji, who thought he'd never love but loved Eiji - clung to him as if he were his life source. It was like being able to hold the cat that hid even around its owner. Eiji felt chosen, special. Sometimes Eiji loved him so much it physically hurt. And yet, he wouldn't trade that pain for anything in the whole wide world. Sleep overcame his brain as his body went limp and melted into Ash.