Chapter Twenty: Just Hold Me

(Author's Note: This is a heavier chapter. There are some descriptions of rape, as well as some strong language. I just wanted to give everyone a fair warning before we get started. Enjoy the chapter.)

Some days are hard for no reason. Some days, we wake up in a funk, seemingly out of nowhere. Some days, we are angry over little things or become anxious over everyday tasks. Some days, lights are too bright and people are too loud. Clothes are too scratchy and all food resembles cold mush. Some days are just hard.

Ash was having one of those days, though not without good reason, as is often the case.

He woke at 2 AM in a cold sweat, with breathless lungs and a racing heart. He'd been dreaming vividly of Dino's large, meaty hands roughly touching his body in all the worst ways. Eiji did not wake beside him as his nightmare ended. He slept soundly, and Ash could not bring himself to wake him.

He didn't typically have nightmares when sleeping beside Eiji, but he was well aware that these things come and go in waves, sometimes without reason.

He had waddled to the bathroom shakily with a sloshing, nauseated stomach. He flipped on the vent fan to quiet his sounds as he kneeled over the porcelain toilet bowl. He sat there for a moment, expecting to vomit. He forced out a few dry heaves, but nothing left his stomach. He reached a finger down his throat and forced his stomach to empty. He couldn't explain it but, somehow, it helped. He took a brief, cold shower, before returning to bed. Eiji was still sleeping, completely unaware of Ash's current situation. Eiji's eyes moved quickly under his tan eyelids. Ash hoped his dreams were infinitely happier than his own. He lay his wet head on his pillow. He laid awake for some time, afraid to fall asleep again. He scrolled his phone mindlessly, fighting sleep with each passing minute. Eventually, his brain's exhaustion overpowered him and he fell asleep with burning eyes and his phone in hand.

He now sat hunched over at the breakfast table, picking at food he typically enjoyed. His coffee remained untouched. Eiji noticed. Eiji always noticed. When Miyuki went to refill her tea, Eiji mentioned it. "I thought we said no more secrets?"

"Not right now, Eiji," Ash muttered into his food.

"Ash," Eiji said more firmly. "I can tell something's bothering you."

Miyuki was already making her way back to the table.

"I said not now, Eiji. Please," Ash begged.

Miyuki was just steps away with her fresh cup of tea.

"Later." Eiji decided.

Miyuki sat back down. "So! We leave in three hours, how sad. I wish we could stay longer!" She continued eating. "I can't wait for summer break."

"Spring break hasn't even ended," Eiji reminded her.

"So?"

"High school goes quickly, you should enjoy it while you can."

"What's high school like in America, Ash?" Miyuki asked, completely oblivious that Ash didn't have the typical high school experience.

The innocent comment caused memories of his unorthodox schooling, thanks to Dino, to resurface in his brain. Dino was already on his mind and this just made matters worse. On a normal day, he would have pushed it down, answered her jokingly with a comment like 'Just like the movies' to deflect the question. But today he wasn't feeling normal. He could have snapped, was tempted to even, but he didn't. Instead, he scooted back his chair to excuse himself.

"I need to go finish packing," he said as he rose from the table. He left the hotel dining area and made his way back upstairs.

"He's upset about something," Eiji explained to Miyuki.

"Do you know what?" She asked with concern. She leaned both arms on the table as she searched Eiji's face with curiosity.

"He wouldn't say," Eiji said sadly into her eyes.

"Well! Go find out!" Miyuki snapped at her brother.

"He needs space. I'll give a few minutes before I go up," Eiji decided.

Upstairs, Ash knelt on the cool bathroom floor again, the few bites he'd managed were sucked from the room with a loud flush.

After ten minutes, Eiji knocked softly before entering the hotel room. "Ash?" He called softly. He spotted him instantly, hunched over the balcony rail outside. He made his way out to join him.

"Ash?" He asked cautiously as he opened the sliding glass door.

Ash's eyes glanced sideways to catch Eiji in his peripheral vision, but he made no other attempts to speak or look at him.

"Ash...what's up?" Eiji asked calmly.

Still no response.

"Are you upset we're leaving?" Eiji wasn't sure why that was the question he decided to ask. Ash wasn't one to pout over something so trivial. Eiji knew that. He knew the actual reason would be far more complex. But somehow, asking the question lightened the tension slightly.

Ash huffed, "No, Eiji."

"Did I do something to piss you off?" Eiji bit his tongue, instantly regretting his choice of words.

But, fortunately, Ash was unfazed. He simply shook his head no.

Eiji's brain fizzed. "Did Miyuki?"

"No, I'm not mad at either of you," Ash replied.

Eiji stepped closer and leaned on the rail beside him. "Just having one of those days?" Eiji asked.

"Something like that," the blond muttered.

"Need to talk about it?"

"Yeah. But I'd rather not."

Eiji looked at him with raised eyebrows, indicating unspoken confusion.

"I think it's gonna make it worse," Ash explained.

"Can you give me just one word? Just so I can understand where your mind is?" Eiji asked.

"Ghosts," he said, unable to look at Eiji. His arms propelled him away from the balcony as he huffed, "I need to finish packing." He disappeared into the room, leaving Eiji alone against the cool metal railing.

Eiji breathed deeply. Ghosts. The answer wasn't surprising, but it was upsetting. He hated the thought of Ash suffering inside his own brain. Suffering from memories that would never truly disappear. Memories that would continue to haunt him like ghosts. Memories that Eiji couldn't even begin to fathom.

He followed after Ash a few minutes later. He also needed to finish packing. The room was quiet. Ash puttered around, folding clothes and packing his things. He dropped his book on his foot at one point and cursed angrily under his breath. Such a thing wouldn't typically elicit that response, but everything was frustrating on days like this one. Eiji wondered what must be going on inside his brain. What old memories were brewing there?

Eiji picked up the TV remote and flipped it on a random channel. He landed on a station playing a shoujo anime. It wasn't about the show, it was about disrupting the silence without actually making Ash talk. It was less likely Ash's thoughts would wander to dark places if they were interrupted by a lighthearted anime. The anime played in the background as they continued to pack. Ash understood and appreciated the gesture.

A blond head bobbed painfully as Ash dozed in the aisle seat beside Eiji. It was a short flight, but his lack of sleep from last night accompanied by the hum of the plane engine encouraged him to drift off.

"Did you guys talk? Is he ok?" Miyuki whispered to Eiji.

"He didn't elaborate, but he's having a rough day," Eiji whispered back.

"Mmm, poor Ash," Miyuki said sympathetically as she looked at the sleeping boy beside her brother. "He's gonna wake up with a neck ache," she added.

Usually, Ash would have used Eiji's shoulder as a pillow, but not today. Today, gravity pulled his head to his own shoulder.

An hour into the one-and-a-half-hour flight, Ash awoke suddenly. His head shot up, causing his hand to fly to his neck and his face to twist in pain. He stumbled out of his seat, ignoring Eiji and Miyuki's questioning glances.

He quickly maneuvered past other passengers on his way to the plane bathroom. Occupied. He stood outside the door breathing heavily. He leaned against the wall with closed eyes, hoping the nausea would pass. One hand gripped his side painfully tight and the other felt the pulse beneath his neck.

"Are you alright, sir?" The flight attendant asked in concerned Japanese.

Ash couldn't bring his eyes to open. "Daijoboudesu," he muttered, even though he obviously was not okay. He had no clue how to say 'I'm gonna hurl,' in Japanese.

The bathroom door opened and Ash quickly stepped inside. He leaned over the toilet for the third time that day. He hadn't eaten anything since that morning, so only bitter, yellow bile left his stomach. His throat and eyes burned as he splashed cold water on his face.

"Fuck!" He muttered angrily to himself as he watched the cold water swirl down the drain.

Sleeping had been a mistake. Vivid dreams of Dino returned to haunt him. But they weren't just dreams, they were memories. Memories that left his body aching as if he'd actually relived the events.

Ash's head snapped upwards to the mirror in frustration. He slapped his face in fury. "Snap out of it, Ash!" He scolded himself in an angry whisper. "That bastard's dead!" He reminded himself. "Why today? Why when you have to fly?"

The flight worsened all his anxious feelings. He was trapped on the flying metal bird for nearly two hours. There was nowhere to flee except the bathroom and when he returned to his seat, Eiji would be waiting, with those concerned eyes, expecting an answer. He splashed more water on his face in an attempt to calm his reddened eyes.

After a few more minutes, the flight attendant knocked lightly on the door. "Daijobou desu ka?" She asked again with concern.

Ash turned off the water. With a deep breath, he opened the door. "Sumimasen," he said, avoiding the woman's gaze. "Could I have some water, please?" He asked her in Japanese.

She bowed and hastily grabbed him a bottle of water. Ash thanked her and sipped the water. He stood in the back of the plane for a few more minutes before returning to his seat. Just as expected, Eiji was waiting with searching eyes. Per Eiji's request, Miyuki was pretending to sleep as she leaned against the window. Less eyes, less embarrassment, he'd told her.

"Are you alright?" Eiji whispered as he sat back in his seat.

Ash shook his head no. He leaned on his armrest, his fist supported his head. With closed eyes, his other fist gripped his plastic water bottle, causing it to crunch loudly under the pressure.

At this point in their relationship, Eiji knew better than to place a comforting hand on Ash while he was in such a state. Instead, he whispered, "We'll be landing in ten minutes or so. I'm right here with you. You're safe, Ash."

Ten minutes. Ash could survive ten minutes.

Eiji glanced at Ash. His eyes were still closed tightly. Eiji pulled out his phone to text his mom. He wrote, 'We're landing in about ten minutes. Ash isn't feeling well. Don't mention it. Just act normal.'

Aki was meeting them at the airport. She'd certainly notice Ash's upset demeanor, but the last thing she should do is mention it.

The minutes ticked by painfully slow. Ash's stomach continued to churn bile into his burning throat. He finished his water with a final chug. His fist tightened, collapsing the plastic with a final crunch. Eiji asked the flight attendant for another bottle. Ash gratefully accepted it. The corner of his lips raised fakely in an attempted smile, though it was very unconvincing.

"Were you sick?" Eiji mustered the courage to ask as Ash guzzled more water to soothe his burning throat.

"Nothing came up," he whispered in response.

"Nightmare?"

Ash nodded yes with closed eyes and a shaky exhale. 'Memories,' he corrected in his brain.

An announcement filled the plane prompting passengers to fasten their seatbelts as they began their descent.

"You made it," Eiji whispered to him as he fastened his seatbelt.

"Ash?" A tentative voice belonging to Miyuki broke the silence. His eyes met hers. They were kind and caring, much like her brother's. She was holding out a pair of headphones that she'd brought in her carry-on bag. "For the airport," she said as she offered them to him. She understood that the loud airport would be overstimulating in his current anxious state.

"You're the best," he said with an actual smile as he took them from her. He placed them in his ears and turned on something calming as the plane landed.

In the airport, Aki greeted her children with smiles and tight hugs. To Ash, she simply patted his arm. She felt him flinch just slightly as she did so.

Aki made lunch for them all once they returned home. Ash picked at his food, despite his growling stomach. Miyuki talked calmly about their trip as they ate. It took great effort to subdue her normal excitement.

Ash ate just enough to be polite. He then excused himself, using his exhaustion from traveling as an excuse that no one bought. He then vomited silently for the fourth time that day before returning to his own room. He collapsed against the cool comforter and tried, without success, to stay awake. Sleep came, bringing horrific memories along with it.

Violent hands marked his jaw as they forced a younger Ash to face the bald, beady-eyed man before him as he roughly pounded him with repulsive sounds of lust. Tomorrow, bruises would litter the child's body with painful reminders of today. Tears burned his throat and eyes as his anguished screams were muffled into the bastard's violent hands. His skin was on fire and he was convinced actual flames would hurt less. He begged God for death. Surely death would be less painful. Death would steal this sick pleasure from the man atop him. That thought alone made death so appealing. The man collapsed painfully like a dead weight on the child as he finished, groaning with sick satisfaction that was unique to the world's most vile men. The child Ash finally broke free from the man's weakened grip. He ran from the bed crying and shaking. He vomited all over the expensive rug before he could make it to the bathroom. He collapsed on his hands and knees, sobbing harder and harder. The evil man would surely make him pay for that rug later. A painfully rough hand lifted him by a single small arm and threw him back on the bed. The action ripped a painful scream from his aching throat. He sobbed harder as he realized he was about to pay for his mistakes right then and there.

A gentle knock interrupted the insanity. Ash sat, gasping for air in the quiet room, as Eiji peaked his head in the door. Eiji's face twisted painfully as he saw the state of Ash. His blond hair looked brown at the roots due to the sweat that now soaked it. Pale hands gripped his heart and throat as he sat hunched over, struggling to breathe. Tears silently stained his flaming cheeks.

"Ash!" Eiji gasped as he closed the door and sat on the bed beside him. He couldn't help but wonder if all of this was a result of the conversation they'd had yesterday. It was an understandable question, but even Ash didn't know the answer.

Eiji sat beside him, not touching. Ash closed the gap as he fell into Eiji absolutely sobbing, his body radiating heat like a crying, fevered toddler. Eiji tried his best to comfort him. "Shh, you're okay, I've got you," he said as he rubbed his back soothingly. "You're safe, I won't let anyone hurt you." The well-intentioned words only made him cry harder. He gripped the fabric of Eiji's shirt so tightly that Eiji worried it might rip. It was a good twenty minutes before Ash's tears subsided.

"It was more than a dream this time, wasn't it?" Eiji finally said softly into Ash's hair.

"Memory," Ash managed to say between shaky breaths. He inhaled sharply "Him…" he began, referring to Dino.

"Shh, it's alright, you don't have to tell me. Don't make yourself relive it," Eiji said quietly.

But Ash continued, he needed to get this off his chest. And he knew, as painful as it was, talking helped. If nothing else it allowed Eiji to better understand the situation.

"It was him - Dino - I was twelve - maybe 11, I don't fucking know - just a kid," he said with his face still buried into Eiji's now-wet shirt. "He was - ya know," he said, it was pointless to make himself voice the word that Eiji already knew, "and I threw up after - all over the fucker's damn rug -" his voice cracked with more tears as he remembered everything. "Nearly broke my arm he was so pissed - swollen for a week after that -"

Eiji held him tighter as tears clouded his vision. He hated the thought of Ash in so much pain, especially as a frightened child.

"And he beat the living shit out of me." Suddenly, Ash pulled away from Eiji. He hung his head in his hands and shouted at the mattress as if it were Dino, "If you didn't want me to ruin the rug, you shouldn't've fucking raped me! I was just a fucking kid!"

Miyuki and Aki heard the shouts from the other room but, thankfully, they couldn't make out the words over the sounds of their TV show.

Eiji didn't know what to do. Didn't know what to say. He just sat there crying silently as Ash continued to vent.

"And it was like that all the time!" He said with livid fingers pulling his hair. "I was too small to fight back - completely at his mercy!" A pillow was angrily tossed into the ground. "...until I learned...that it was easier to just go along with it. To not fight back. Brought him less satisfaction too...a win-win, I guess you could say." Ash's voice went quiet, so quiet Eiji had to lean in to hear him. "That is until I grew up, then it was my turn to beat the shit out of him-but that never ended well. Still, it was worth it. To make him bleed, even if it did just drip back onto my own skin." He exhaled a ragged breath. "It's not fair. I should have been the one to kill him."

And there it was. He needed closure, but now it was too late. Now he'd never have it.

Eiji wrapped an arm around his shoulders and squeezed him tight. "I'm sorry," he whispered through tears, "I'm so sorry, Ash." He knew Ash typically scolded him for apologizing for things he didn't do, but he had no idea what else to say. And he was sorry, he was so sorry Ash ever had to go through such things.

Eiji felt sick, usually, Ash made a point of leaving out most of the upsetting details.

After a few more long minutes spent crying, Eiji managed to ask, "How can I help?"

Tears subsided as Ash considered the question. "1," he began, "don't blame yourself."

Eiji opened his mouth to talk but Ash cut him off.

"I already know what you're thinking. Did the conversation yesterday stir up those memories? And I don't have an answer to that. I guess it's possible. But I don't care, we have to be able to talk about those things." Ash finished his thought and then went quiet in Eiji's arms.

"And 2?" Eiji asked hesitantly.

"Just hold me," he said as tears broke his voice.

At dinner time, Miyuki knocked before sticking her head into the room to call the pair for supper. She found the boys under a large fluffy blanket fast asleep with red faces and puffy eyes. Ash looked as vulnerable as a child as he lay curled up with his face on Eiji's stomach. Her heart ached at the sight. Something was really wrong.

Miyuki returned to the kitchen empty-handed. "They're asleep, save them some for later." She told Aki as she returned.

Aki's eyebrows retreated under her bangs with suspicion.

"There's something wrong with Ash today," Miyuki shook her head, "He isn't himself. He's so anxious, so on edge. Something must have upset him."

"I guess that explains all the screaming," Aki commented, remembering the raised voices they'd heard earlier.

"Mmmm," Miyuki agreed, "he's hurting. If you looked in, you'd understand."

Without a second's hesitation, silent feet carried Aki down the hallway. Miyuki anxiously followed after her. She didn't actually mean she should go look. Aki opened the door silently. Miyuki watched in suspense as her mom peered in. After what felt like forever, the door closed without a sound. They solemnly returned to the kitchen.

Aki sat at the table, eyes mindlessly tracing her food. After a long moment, she spoke. "That poor, poor boy," she muttered. "Not even the devil himself deserves what that poor boy must have been through." Aki wiped tears from her red eyes. "What would he do without Eiji?" She asked rhetorically.

"Do you ever regret it?" Ash asked as he lazily stroked Eiji's hair in the pitch-black room after they'd awoken from their extended nap. Eiji lay sleepily in the crook of Ash's shoulder. Their eyes faced the dark ceiling above them.

"Regret what?" Eiji asked.

"Being with me instead of someone else?" Ash had wanted to ask the question for some time now, but never mustered the courage. Now, in the dark, after the day they'd had, it seemed easy.

"Of course not," Eiji responded, sounding almost offended. "Why would you even think that?"

"I don't know," he mumbled as he continued to play with his silky hair, "it's well past midnight...you could be exhausted from love instead of tears if you were with someone else right now."

"But I don't want anyone else."

"Even after today?" Ash asked curiously. "I want an honest answer, you won't hurt my feelings."

Eiji sat and turned to face the boy on the bed. "Especially after today." He said the words with such conviction Ash worried he'd start crying all over again. He was thankful the darkness concealed his expression.

"We need each other, Ash," he explained while staring down into the dark, being able to make out only the outline of Ash.

"But you could be with anyone," Ash protested sadly.

"But I don't want that," Eiji said again this time with even more force. "I couldn't love anyone else."

"That's just because you met me first. You could be saying the same thing to someone else if you'd never come to New York."

Eiji stared at him silently. For a moment, it was like the words knocked the wind out of him. "That's just not true," he said finally.

"It is, Eiji. You could be with someone normal, someone without all these problems. You could be with someone who ends each night with messy hair and ruined sheets. You could be in love with someone normal."

"It's not love if it's just fuckin,'" Eiji replied. They were song lyrics he'd once heard blare from Bones's speakers back in New York. They'd stuck with him, even after all this time.

Eiji heard, more than saw, Ash inhale sharply at the words. "Who says it wouldn't be love?" he asked softly.

"I do."

"How can you know for sure?"

"I just know," Eiji said with all the confidence in the whole world. "I can't imagine an alternate universe in which we didn't end up together. If I never met you or if you had died back in New York, I would die alone. I've never been more sure of anything. Ever." He rested a gentle hand on Ash's shoulder. "I mean that. I really do."

Tears glazed his eyes but he blinked them away. Ash propped himself up on his elbows before sitting and wrapping his arms around Eiji's neck in a tight hug. "Marry me, Eiji?" He whispered.

"Hey! That's my line," Eiji replied with a smile Ash couldn't see.

"I don't give a shit," he said with a smile of his own. "Well?"

Eiji let out a soft, breathy laugh. "How could I ever say no?"

Ash dropped a soft kiss to his shoulder and then pulled away so he could see the dark outline of his boy. "I'm starving," he said randomly, "I've thrown up every bite I've eaten today."

Eiji's stomach dropped as if he'd just stepped into an empty elevator shaft. Poor Ash. "Maybe they saved us some dinner," he said after he regained his composure.

They tip-toed to the kitchen. Aki had left a note on the table. Eiji read the Japanese to Ash. "She says, 'I couldn't bring myself to wake you two for dinner. I saved you each a bowl in the fridge. It's your favorite, Ei-chan. Enjoy. Love you both.'"

"Your mom's a saint," Ash whispered after hearing the note.

They warmed up their food in the microwave. They stopped the food seconds before it beeped, but still, the sound of the start button cut through Aki's dreams. In her darkened room, just down the hall, she glanced at her clock. 1:14 AM. She smiled sadly as she closed her eyes again. She didn't know what had happened earlier, but the thought of them in pain made her stomach slosh and her heart ache. Hopefully, the boys were doing better now.

They turned on the small lamp as they ate with crisscrossed legs in Ash's bed.

"Feeling any better?" Eiji asked between bites of food.

"Much better," he began, "I think I'll actually be able to keep this down."

Eiji almost joked, almost said something along the lines of 'well you'd better. Mom went through all the work to save it for you,' but he decided against it. Instead, he just smiled sweetly with a wordless declaration of love.

"Ei-chan?"

"Hmm?"

"I'd die alone too, if I didn't have you," Ash told him.

Eiji smiled. "You're still thinking about that?"

"I just needed you to know," Ash shrugged.

Eiji already knew but that didn't make the words any less powerful.

"It's like I said, we need each other."

"Well, I always knew I needed you, but it's nice to know the feeling's mutual."

"For someone with an IQ over 200 you sure are dense," Eiji teased.

Ash shrugged again, "Fear creates doubt where logic should be."

"Is that a philosopher?" Eiji asked curiously. "It sounds profound."

Ash chuckled as he scooped his next bite, "Just me."

Eiji smiled, "don't put the word 'just' in front of your name like it's nothing."

"Whatever you say, Eiji."

They ate in silence for a bit until Ash said, "Our sleep schedule is gonna be messed up. I'm not even tired anymore."

"Not like we have anywhere to go tomorrow," Eiji said casually.

"Touche," Ash said.

"I only speak two languages," Eiji complained jokingly.

"You don't know what touche means?"

Eiji shook his head no.

"Basically it means true, or that's a good point," Ash explained.

"French?"

"Yeah."

Ash finished the rest of his meal. He glanced at the time. 2:03 AM. "Hey," he began.

"Yeah?" Eiji asked as he finished his last bite.

"Is there an oldies channel in Japan?"

Eiji smiled into Ash's eyes. It was a warm smile filled with summer sun. "There is, but you probably won't understand much of it."

"Can we put on subtitles?" Ash asked curiously.

"Not on regular TV," Eiji replied, "but maybe we can find one online and cast it to the TV."

Ash returned the warm smile. "Let's do that."

They migrated to the living room couch with a collection of pillows and blankets. Eiji found an old Japanese film with subtitles, entitled Late Spring, and streamed it to the TV.

"This is a classic," Eiji told him as he pressed play, "but I've actually never seen it."

A large fluffy blanket covered the pair as they lay together on the couch. Ash lay against the cushions, and Eiji's back settled against Ash. The movie turned out to be sadder than Eiji expected, but they enjoyed it all the same. Gravity and fatigued muscles closed their eyes before either boy could finish the film. It was never about the film anyway. It was about being together and basking in each other's company. It was about finding peace in slowed breaths and limp arms. It was about saying 'I love you' without saying it.

Ash had turned a corner. His meal stayed with him, nourishing his hungry body. No more nightmares haunted him that night. He dreamt instead of happier things, of sleeping on hammocks with Eiji on a beach in Hawaii.