Chapter Twenty-Three: Self-Titled

"I-I'm sorry, it's not you."

"It's alright."

"I want this, I want you, I just-can't seem to-"

"It's okay."

"It's not, it's-"

"You're nervous."

"But I shouldn't be! I'm not a fucking virgin!"

"That's not how it works."

"It's embarrassing! Insulting!"

"I'm not insulted."

"It's not like I don't know what I'm doing...so why can't I-"

"Out of sync. Your body's not cooperating with your mind."

"I want you, honest."

"I know, it's alright."

"Gah, I don't know what the fuck's wrong!"

"Stop, you'll hurt yourself! Let's...just stop."

"Can we?"

"We can always stop."

"But you're still…"

"I don't care. I'm not what matters."

"You always matter!"

"Not right now. Right now, your needs overpower mine. That's how it should be. Now let's stop."

"Gah, I'm so sorry, Eiji!" Ash said as he flopped down beside Eiji. He hid his face shamefully behind his own arm.

The calendar on Ash's wall read April 15th. It was a Friday night. Aki and Miyuki were gone for the night, off shopping dress shopping for an upcoming family wedding. The pair hadn't tried having sex again since that first time in March. Tonight they were both clearly in the mood, but Ash's body apparently had other plans.

"It's okay, Ash, really," Eiji told him sincerely with saddened eyes. He reached and pulled a sheet over them both, he didn't need Ash to be reminded Eiji was still achingly hard. He rolled on his side to better see Ash, whose face was still covered with his arm. "I promise I'm not upset," Eiji told him softly.

Ash groaned, somewhere between embarrassment and frustration. "Ugh, I'm pathetic," he moaned.

Eiji propped himself up on an elbow. He pried Ash's arm from his face and didn't speak until the bashful blond opened his eyes. "Hey. Do not say that. It's not your fault," Eiji told him forcefully.

"Well, it's certainly not your fault!" Ash responded with a raised voice.

"I didn't say it was. The only ones to blame are Dino and all the other lowlife scumbags who've hurt you."

Without warning, Ash lifted the corner of the sheet and peered under, only to find Eiji exactly as he left him.

"Fuck," Ash whined.

"Stop, Ash, I'm fine. I'm not what matters right now."

"I could still…" he alluded without finishing the thought. Eiji knew what he meant.

"No," Eiji said with a head shake, "Stop torturing yourself and just do what you want."

Another groan. A disgruntled, "Mmmmmm" was all he said, with a twisted mouth and closed eyes. He looked as if he might cry.

"Ash," Eiji said with concern. "You mean the world to me. Please, believe me, I am not upset, or offended, or judging you, or whatever else you might be scared of. I love you."

Ash wiped his eyes with the heels of his palm before any tears could visibly fall.

"Eiji?"

"Yes, baby?"

Baby. He'd never called him that before. Ash lifted his hands from his eyes and gazed at him with wide, green eyes.

"Baby?"

"Baby," Eiji repeated reassuringly without further explanation. "What did you want to say, Ash?" Eiji whispered.

"Can you toss me those?" He asked, pointing to the abandoned boxers and sweatpants at the foot of the bed.

Eiji did so then threw his own boxers back on as well.

During the course of the next week, they tried again, only this time with Eiji on top. Things went beautifully, in fact, even better than their first time. That gave Ash the courage to try the other way around again. They ran into the same problem they had last time. Eiji urged Ash to discuss the situation with his therapist at their next session to try to get to the root of the problem.

And so he worked through it at his next weekly session. She gave him her insight. Her theory was that Ash was afraid of disappointing Eiji. Yes, he had been with many others before him, but he always resented those men. He did what he did to survive, he was just doing a job. And he did it well, excellently in fact, but he'd never cared what they thought of him. But Eiji? He loved Eiji. Eiji was his world, and because of that, he was scared that he may not live up to his expectations. He was scared that Eiji would feign pleasure. And most significantly, he was scared he didn't deserve Eiji.

Ash shared an abridged version of this theory with Eiji, though he conveniently excluded the fact that he believed he didn't deserve Eiji.

"Well, do you think she's right?" Eiji asked with concern, "Are you really worried you'll disappoint me?"

They were walking home from the train station, the hot late April sun shown intensely overhead.

"Yeah...And I think I knew, I just didn't want to admit it," Ash replied, looking at his red converse as he walked.

"That's an illogical one," Eiji remarked.

"Nnnoo, this one isn't," Ash drawled.

"Yeah, it is. You couldn't disappoint me if you tried." Eiji stated with utmost certainty. "And I think you know that."

Ash kicked a rock on the sidewalk, sending it flying over the concrete. They walked a few more steps in silence and he kicked it again.

"Ash," Eiji urged him to respond.

"Yeah, whatever, I know it," he replied saltily.

"So what's the real reason then? I can sense there's something you're not telling me."

Ash kept kicking the rock as they walked. He couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from the sidewalk as he spoke. "I-I feel like- like I don't deserve you," Ash stuttered.

Eiji tried to respond but Ash talked over him saying, "And I know, that you'll say that's bullshit,"

"'Cuz it is," Eiji muttered under his breath, yet still loud enough for Ash to hear.

"But it's not. Because you're so perfect and pure and authentic….but I'm…" He stopped walking, his foot perched a step away from the rock he'd been kicking. "I'm dirty," as he said the word he kicked the rock much harder than he had before. It went flying off the sidewalk and into the street.

Eiji's head spun. How could Ash believe such terrible things about himself?

"So…" Eiji began, "let me get this straight...you think you don't deserve me because you'll corrupt me or soil me?

"Yeees," Ash said, sounding exasperated, yet finally understood.

"Well...that is bullshit," Eiji said as he began walking again in hopes Ash would as well. But he didn't. He stood several steps behind staring at the sidewalk. So Eiji paused for a moment and then walked back to him.

"I don't think you're dirty, Ash," he said very calmly.

"Well, it doesn't matter what you think. It's a fact," Ash grumbled.

"What did Iku-san say?" Eiji asked, referring to Ash's therapist.

"That it's a valid feeling but untrue," Ash said mockingly. The words were simplified, she spoke with much more grace than Ash recounted.

"Well, she's right, even if you don't agree. What else did she say?"

Ash shook his head in annoyance. He finally looked at Eiji. "She said it's a common feeling...for people like me...but from what I've told her, our relationship sounds…"

Eiji waited for him to continue.

"Beautiful...loving...the opposite of dirty," he said quietly into Eiji's eyes. "But I tried to tell her that's all you! You're the one who taught me. I wouldn't know how to love if it weren't for you!"

Eiji's expression changed. Something clicked in his brain, Ash could see it in his eyes.

"What?"

"You're worried you won't act like yourself, that you'll adopt your past persona. You're afraid you'll be acting, putting on a show, like you used to. That it will be sex but not love. Is that right?"

Ash exhaled a breath that was a mix between a laugh and a sigh. "That's exactly it, but I don't think I could've put it into words," he admitted in awe.

"But you always act like yourself, so I don't think that'd actually happen. I think it's an empty fear, Ash" Eiji told him.

Ash just shrugged and shook his head in frustration. Eiji followed him as he began walking again.

"I hold back," he muttered into the wind. "I could unravel you if I really wanted."

Eiji shivered despite the heat. "You don't have to hold back."

"If I didn't I'd just fall back into old ways-act how everyone always wanted. I hardly know how to just be me."

For a moment Eiji walked silently a few paces behind him.

And just as expected, Ash spoke again. "It's like...It's like holding a book into a mirror and telling someone to read it. All the words are backward and twisted...if you try hard enough it'd be possible...but it takes a lot of effort and patience and it hurts your brain a bit in the process." He continued walking, his back to Eiji. Speaking so openly was always easier when he couldn't see him. "Or like telling someone in a punk rock band to sing a slow, soft love song that he didn't write. Yeah, it's similar-both are signing-but still, it's completely different."

A new gravelly rock found the toe of his shoe. It soared down the scalding concrete. "I don't quite know how to love like you do-so pure, so loving-but I also don't know how to be me without teetering on the edge of whatever the hell it was Dino taught me to be." He reached the rock again and sent it flying into a nearby bush. Several birds took flight with angry chirps leaving their beaks. "I'm always holding back."

Eiji didn't quite know what to say, which was something of a rarity. Ash glanced back at him over his shoulder. Eiji was looking past him, eyes unfocused in thought as he brewed his response.

"Do you think it'd be painful to slip back into how you used to act? Would it stir up old ghosts?" Eiji asked carefully.

Ash thought about it, imagined how it might feel. He shrugged, he couldn't be sure but his gut reaction was yes.

"To use your same analogy," Eiji began, "the punk singer could sing a soft love song, but he'd probably put his own spin on it. And in the process, he'd bring his own, new, emotions to the lyrics and melody. Maybe a traditionalist would sneer at first...but after a listen or two, they'd come to appreciate its unique beauty. Just because one isn't used to a certain style of music, doesn't mean they can't come to appreciate it."

In front of him, Ash's face twisted in thought as he pondered the words.

"But that still doesn't fix the issue of stirring up bad memories," Eiji added, much to Ash's relief. It's what he'd been thinking. "You say you like to think of things as battles to be won, right?"

"Mmmm."

"Then maybe that should be our approach. Take back what should have always been yours to begin with. Rebel. Fight back. Don't sing the song Dino wrote for you. And don't sing one anyone else paid you to write for them. Don't conform to one genre, write whatever you want. Just be you, and I promise, I'll love it."

Ash's head turned sharply to peak at Eiji. "But never fake it," he said firmly. Another fear of his.

"No, I would never."

Ash slowed his pace so Eiji could catch up.

"That could work," he said as Eiji reached him.

"What did Iku-san say? Did she offer any solutions?"

"She said we needed to talk about it," he glanced sideways at Eiji. "She's never met you but I've told her enough about you...she said you'd probably have a better suggestion than she could give."

Eiji returned his stare. "I'm yours forever, Ash...so it's not like there's any rush," he reassured him. "The best albums can take years to craft," Eiji added with a smile.

Ash exhaled a laugh. "She was right...you always know exactly what to say."

When they reached their house, Aki was outside watering the flowers. "Okaeri!" She called to them as they approached.

"Eiji," she called to him in Japanese as he reached for the front door. "I left you some money on your desk so you can buy a new suit for Suzume's wedding."

"Mmm, thanks."

"Miyuki and I found pink dresses, in case you want to match," she added with a wink.

Eiji chuckled and shook his head, "Okay, maybe I'll find a pink tie."

They entered the house and removed their shoes in the entryway.

"Whose wedding?" Ash asked as he used his feet to slip off his sneakers.

"My cousin Suzume. The wedding is in a few weeks." Eiji removed his own shoes and stepped into the house with Ash on his heels.

"You can come if you want. Mom and I both have a plus one. I wasn't sure if it would be your thing and I kinda forgot to ask you about it until now."

Ash mulled it over silently.

"You don't have to though," Eiji added hastily.

"Would that make the whole evening awkward for you? Do any of your relatives know we're dating?"

"They have to find out sometime," Eiji said with a shrug. A soft suction filled the quiet house as Eiji opened the fridge door. He grabbed himself a canned lemonade and tossed one to Ash as well.

"Do you want me to come?" Ash asked as he opened his drink with a loud, fizzy pop.

"Of course, if you want to, that is."

"Yeah, I'll come." He took a swig of lemonade. "Ya know, I've never actually been to a wedding...or at least not that I can remember."

"They're pretty fun. The receptions are the best part, plenty of good food."

"And drinks?" Ash asked with a quirked brow.

"And drinks...but you'll be responsible for keeping me mostly sober," Eiji said with an embarrassed grin.

"You got it, Okumura," Ash responded. He held out his can and clinked it against Eiji's.

"Should I practice my waltz? Or is it more contemporary?" Ash asked jokingly.

Eiji chuckled. "You dance?" He asked, stepping closer to Ash with raised eyebrows.

"Mmmm, Dino is a fan of fancy parties, so he had me take lessons," Ash said, leaning closer.

Eiji's face saddened, "Oh."

"It's fine," he said, brushing it off. "I pretended to absolutely hate them, but really, they weren't that bad."

"Well, you'll have to teach me cuz I never got fancy lessons."

"Mmmm, it'll cost you a pretty penny," Ash teased with a sly smile.

"Guess I'll have to dip into my savings," Eiji teased right back.

Ash had been leaning in closer and closer during their flirtatious conversation and now he was only centimeters away from Eiji's mouth.

Just then the door opened. The boys pulled apart awkwardly as Aki entered the house. Eiji sipped his lemonade, trying to act casual.

"I'll buy you one too, if you want to come, Ashu," Aki told him in Japanese as if their conversation had never ended.

"A suit?" He asked in English, he didn't know the word in Japanese.

"You coming right?" Aki asked as she slipped off her shoes and walked inside. "As Eiji's...date?"

"Yeah, I'll come."

"Good. Then I buy you...asute?" She hadn't understood the word 'suit' when Ash used it earlier, but she inferred what he meant. She mimicked the sound but came up short. Still, Ash understood what she meant.

"No, no, no, I'll buy my own," Ash insisted.

Aki crossed the house and joined them by the fridge. She motioned with her hand for the boys to step aside. She opened the fridge and retrieved a pitcher of iced tea. She poured herself a glass and responded, "I do not mind."

"I do, let me pay for my own."

Aki shrugged and gulped her iced drink. She left the room and disappeared down the hall. Both the boys' eyes followed her as she did. She returned in a moment holding a dress wrapped in clear plastic.

"This," she said as she peeled the plastic off carefully, "is mine. Miyuki has pink too, but not same dress."

"You really want us to match, huh?" Eiji asked in amusement.

She smirked, "Was Miyuki's idea."

Ash laughed. "Of course it was!"

"This one is nice," Eiji remarked as he examined a dark grey suit coat.

"Eh, it's alright," Ash said with a shrug.

"What don't you like?"

"Not a fan of that color."

Eiji put the suit coat back on the rack. "What color do you prefer?"

Ash pursed his lips in thought. His eyes looked Eiji up and down as if he were imagining the different options on his body.

"Overall, I'd say black...but you...you would look good in white," Ash remarked.

"But Mi wants us to match."

"Hmm, yeah, I'm not wearing white."

"Why not?"

"Too pale, I'd disappear," he joked. The real reason was Dino had loved him in white tuxes and that alone made him feel sick. But telling Eiji would only upset him, so he kept this fact to himself.

"Mmm," Eiji hummed as he began paging through more options.

"But when it's our turn...you could wear white," Ash said slowly.

Eiji blushed furiously and averted Ash's gaze.

Ash laughed and nudged him with his hip. "You're too damn easy to fluster!"

"Finding everything okay?" The store clerk asked in rapid Japanese.

"Yes, thank you," Eiji responded politely.

"Let me know if you need help finding anything!" She turned and left them.

"How about this one?" Eiji asked, pulling another suit coat from the rack.

Ash reached out his pale fingers to touch the fabric. He rubbed it between his thumb and forefinger. "Mmm, this one feels high quality too."

They found their way back to the fitting room after selecting their respective sizes, as well as dress pants.

"Damn, you clean up nicely!" Ash remarked as he saw Eiji dressed in his formal attire.

"That's a weird phrase," Eiji laughed.

"Hmmm, yeah, I suppose it is," Ash agreed with a shrug. "Anyway, what do you think?" Ash asked, spreading his arms and rotating slightly so Eiji could see his suit from various angles.

"Gorgeous."

"Now we just need some pink ties."

"OOOOOOOO! Let me see, let me see!" Miyuki screeched as she sprung from her perch on the couch. She ran towards Eiji and Ash as they returned home with their new suits.

Eiji held up his purchase, eliciting another squeal.

"Try them on, try them on!"

"No, we already did at the store, Mi," Eiji told her.

"But I didn't get to see!"

"You'll have to wait till the wedding," Ash responded.

"But it's still a few weeks away," she whined.

"Sucks to suck," Ash said with a shrug. He laughed to himself as no one else seemed to be familiar with the phrase.

"Pink ties though, you should be happy about that," Eiji said, holding up a pink silk tie that perfectly matched the color of her and Aki's dresses.

Miyuki clapped gleefully.

Ash and Eiji lay side by side in Eiji's bed as a spring rain puttered on the roof.

"I was joking around earlier, but I was also serious, ya know?"

"Hmm?" Eiji asked, a bit confused about what Ash was referring to.

"At the store," he began, "when I implied we were getting married. We joke about it all the time, but I really do want to spend the rest of my life with you,"

Eiji flipped onto his side violently, His elbow supported him as he stared at Ash's dimly lit face.

"Nuh-uh, Ash!"

"Wha-"

"You can't just do that! I want a real proposal!"

"Ei-"

"That is if I don't propose first!"

Ash looked completely taken aback. For a brief moment, he believed Eiji didn't want to marry him. Then, he laughed as the situation came to light.

"You better not beat me to it!" Ash teased.

"Well, you better hurry up then!" Eiji blurted out. And then he added excitedly, "Can I kiss you?"

Ash huffed a laugh and nodded yes.

Eiji leaned down and gave his lips a quick kiss. It was hardly a kiss, Ash doubted anyone else would have asked, they'd have just went for it. In fact, he would have been fine with that. But Eiji was always so considerate. He decided to tell him as much.

"You didn't need to ask for a kiss like that."

"Who said I'm finished?" Eiji teased, even though he hadn't actually planned on kissing him again.

"Well, in that case, finish what you started."

"Only if you ask nicely," he teased.

Ash fluttered his blond lashes dramatically, "Kiss me?"

"I said nicely."

"Please?" Ash added with dramatically raised brows and pouty lips.

"K!"

Eiji leaned on his elbows over Ash and kissed him again, this time a proper kiss. It was slow and loving, yet short-lived. He pulled apart and smoothed Ash's hair off his forehead lovingly.

"You're my favorite person ever," Eiji whispered to him.

Ash laughed loudly, causing Eiji to pull his face back a few inches.

"What!?" Eiji asked, slightly offended.

Ash wrapped his arms around Eiji's neck and pulled him down to his chest. He squeezed him tightly, causing Eiji to squeal in laughter.

"You're. Too. Damn. CUTE!" Ash said, squeezing him tighter with each word.

"ASH!" Eiji laughed, struggling for air in his newly constricted lungs.

Ash released him and Eiji scrambled off him and nestled into the crook of his arm. His tan arms wrapped loosely around his waist. Ash patted his floofy hair with one arm and held him with the other.

"You're my favorite person too," he said softly.

Eiji placed a kiss onto his t-shirt and closed his eyes in contentment.

"Thank you, Eiji," Ash said quietly after a moment of silence.

"For what?"

"For being okay with just...this…whatever this is."

"You don't have to thank me, I wouldn't trade it for the world."