Author's Note:

Arousal Non-Concordance: "a significant mismatch between their physical arousal and their subjective arousal. [...] It's when you're feeling really turned on but you're not getting wet or hard. It's also when your genitals respond to something but you find yourself thinking, 'wait, I'm not into this.' [...] It's completely possible to respond physically, even orgasm, in response to a sexual experience that you did not desire or consent to." (Head, 2018). If you'd like to read the full article, you can find it here: .co/deconstructing-desire-understanding-arousal-non-concordance/ It's really an interesting read, so check it out if you'd like.

Ash is going to deal with some memories in this chapter and I used this term in the chapter, but I realize it isn't super well known, so I thought I'd explain it before we get started. Also, let this serve as your warning that this is a heavier chapter (although not too bad in my opinion, chapter 20 had worse) and may be upsetting to some.

Alright, hope you enjoy this chapter, it is on the shorter side, but still close to 4,000 words. I think it stands good alone, so that's why I chose to upload it now without adding more. Ok, Enjoy!

Chapter Twenty-Six: One Step Forward, One Step Back.

An early Summer storm rolled in that evening, soaking the grass in rivers that formed too fast for the ground to absorb and dislodging tree limbs from the safety of tree trunks. It was 2 AM and a particularly loud bolt of lightning struck so close Eiji could have sworn it hit their front yard. He sat up, a bit startled, his heart racing. Rain drummed loudly on the roof overhead. Wind harshly blew tree branches and cold raindrops against the window panes. Every few minutes lightning lit up the dark room. The fan whirring near the door stood no chance at drowning out the windstorm outside.

Eiji used his left thumb to nervously spin his ring from the bottom of his finger. It'd been a week since they'd proposed and he still found himself checking to see if the ring was there, if it had really happened. He had to be sure he wasn't dreaming. He relaxed as he felt the cool metal against his skin. His head found his pillow as he laid back down. He closed his eyes, trying to find sleep, but the storm outside was too loud, and not to mention unsettling, for him to relax enough to doze off.

After an unsuccessful twenty minutes, he picked up his phone and began to scroll mindlessly through Reddit forums, hoping reading would put him to sleep. But instead, his eyes just burned and he got worked up about a particularly vile comment thread. He set his phone back on the nightstand. Enough of that. He closed his eyes again, lines of text were burned into his pupils. The rain outside picked up, if that were possible, and now he was certain he'd never sleep. He was so close to abandoning sleep altogether, going downstairs and watching a movie. But that's when he heard it. And at first, his ears deceived him, hearing what they expected to hear; Ash having a nightmare. Except he wasn't. This was different. The small sound that escaped his lips harbored no fear or pain, but rather desire, pleasure. From the sounds of it, this was no nightmare, this was a good dream.

Eiji's eyes widened, almost unable to believe what he'd heard. But then it came again, and again, the sounds getting longer until they were unmistakably soft moans. Eiji stared up at the ceiling, almost in horror, too nervous to look, but then he felt Ash move beside him and he couldn't contain his curiosity. Eiji turned his face toward Ash, he couldn't make out much more than the shape of him in the dark, but it was enough. It told him all he needed to know. Lightning struck and lit the room and he saw him clearly for a moment, under the blankets, his hips were rocking against his own hand as he whimpered in his sleep. Eiji felt himself flush at the sight. He licked his lips and wondered what exactly his dream was about. The light vanished and Eiji could just make out the shape of him once again. His legs scrambled against the mattress, loudly shaking the bed, and then he came with a gurgled moan that sent arousal shooting through Eiji.

Eiji flipped over, away from Ash, and shut his eyes tight. He was worried Ash would wake after that dream. Eiji could only imagine how embarrassed he'd be if he'd known Eiji'd seen that. But from the sound of it, Ash didn't wake. He rolled over and slept more soundly. Eiji envied him, how was he supposed to sleep now? After witnessing that? But the rain outside had calmed slightly and eventually, although he couldn't have told you how much time had passed, he fell asleep.

It was still early when Ash woke, barely 6 AM. His brows furrowed as he realized Eiji was further from him than normal, and facing away from him. Strange. When he rolled over to fall back asleep he realized he was plastered in a dried, sticky mess.

'Fuck,' Ash thought, disgruntled. How'd he let that happen?

But really, it shouldn't have come as much surprise, it had been some time now since he and Eiji did anything sexual. He just hadn't felt up to it after the last fiasco. He was worried things would go awry for a third time and his body would be too nervous to perform. Eiji told him time and time again that he didn't mind the pause, that this was fine, but Ash knew that was only partially true. Eiji was normal and he had needs, needs that Ash was not meeting currently. And clearly, Ash had needs too. And although he joked about it from time to time, he wasn't one to take matters into his own hands, so to speak, unless it was absolutely necessary. And apparently last night his unconscious mind decided it was. He needed to sort this out, figure something out.

His bare feet found the floor and quietly carried him to the bathroom. He undressed and began to shower, the warm water washed away evidence of his wet dreams. Ash scrubbed his body vigorously with a soapy loofah. Eucalyptus and tea tree filled the steamy room. Aki had bought it for him at a nearby boutique. Its strong, divine scent was grounding in a strange way, the same way mints were. It cleared his head a bit.

He was a bit disgusted with himself. Lately, he couldn't find the courage to be physically intimate with Eiji in reality, but in his dreams it was fine? He huffed a frustrated breath and rolled his eyes at himself as he scrubbed his skin.

He really should be proud of himself, though, because there was a time when this would have devastated him. Back when he was Dino's plaything, his body became used to being used nightly, sometimes more often, either by Dino or someone else he'd pimped Ash onto. And even though he viscerally hated it, release came his way more often than he cared to admit, so he grew used to it. Trained. And Dino was an important, powerful fuck-of-a-man, so sometimes he'd go away for a week, leaving Ash behind. Absence makes the heart grow fonder or some shit. And when he returned, he expected to find Ash's body wanting release. But sometimes his body couldn't wait and he'd wake up like he had this particular morning. It would put him in a state of utter distress. He'd run to the bathroom, shaking and ready to puke, just hoping to make it to the toilet. Panic would overturn every rational part of his brain, until he was a sobbing, shaking shell of a boy. He'd shower for literal hours, scrubbing his skin until it was raw and bloody. He would question his own sanity. If it was rape, why did he miss it? Maybe he was just as fucked up as Dino and the others. But it was only his body that missed it and he was too hard on himself. It was rape and deep down, he knew it. He had words for it now; arousal non-concordance, a mind-body disconnect. Nothing more. He was a teenager then with raging hormones and Dino had groomed him to desire frequent release. That was all. Ash never should have blamed himself but, of course, he always did. And to make everything worse, Dino always noticed when Ash had suffered through one of those mornings, always could tell if he'd sorted himself out. He hated it, said it ruined the fun. Ash paid for it each time, unwillingly adding new scars to his ever-growing collection.

These memories filled his head as he scrubbed mindlessly at his forearms and lower stomach. The water turned cold and snapped him back to reality. He caught a glimpse of his arms, they were rubbed raw. Pinpricks of blood welled up in several abraded areas. The damage on his stomach would be easy enough to hide. Eiji would never force him out of a shirt, so if he didn't willingly take it off himself, or grant Eiji permission to do so, he'd never be the wiser. But his arms and hands? Those he couldn't hide as easily.

'Shit,' he thought with disgust. How was he supposed to hide this?

He shut off the water and began to gently pat himself dry. As he did so he contemplated how he'd hide this. It was the first week of June, too hot for long sleeves. Maybe he could sneak some foundation from Miyuki's room, or maybe he could just ask for her help...she'd help him. No. He wouldn't involve her in this. Besides, he was certain she was a few shades darker than him. Maybe he could feign illness and stay in bed all day. Another no. Eiji would see through him, he wasn't so easily fooled. His brain churned, trying to come up with some type of way out.

Petite fingers knocked ever-so-softly on the bathroom door, interrupting his thoughts.

"I'm so sorry, but are you almost done? I need to get ready for school," Miyuki spoke softly through the door.

Ash cursed himself in his head. How selfish of him. He opened the door with a towel around his waist. "Sorry, I-was half-asleep and kinda zoned out," he said as an excuse.

"Oooof, I've been there," she said with a smile, clearly believing his partial lie.

"Anyway, all yours," he told her as he stepped out of the steamy bathroom, masterfully hiding his marred skin with the towel and careful movements.

Miyuki shut the door behind her and Ash wandered downstairs to get dressed for the day. It was still much earlier than he typically got up but there was no way he'd be able to sleep now. As he made his way into his room he realized his excuse was quite simple. It was still pouring rain and his phone said it was 55* F outside, meaning no one would question sleeves today. He pulled on some jeans and a black, long sleeve t-shirt. Perfect. Now he just had to wait for the redness of his hands to calm down. Luckily, there were no cuts there.

He sat in his own room for a bit, watching his hands slowly return to their typical pale complexion. He then made his way to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee for himself. Neither Miyuki nor Aki ever drank coffee, but Eiji swung between coffee and tea, depending on the day, so Ash always made enough for two.

He jumped, spilling some coffee grounds as he did so when small fingers touched the ends of his hair. Aki chuckled. It never failed to surprise Ash just how silently she could walk. Plus he didn't like being approached from behind, but he'd never tell her that. He glanced at her over his shoulder.

"Yess?" He asked sarcastically.

"Your hair is getting long," She observed.

Ash felt the tips of his wet hair. It was getting long, hitting the top of his clavicles.

"I guess I should get it cut," he remarked.

"Not why I said it," she reassured him, "just noticing."

"Eh, I prefer it shorter anyway."

Shorter.

Aki caught something in his face change, now he looked sad.

"What is it?" She asked with concern.

He shook his head, causing memories of his old friend to leave him. "Nothing."

He returned his attention to measuring coffee grounds.

Aki slapped his back lovingly and then began making her own tea.

"Well," she began with a bright chirp, "I can cut hair for you, if you want. I did Eiji hair for years...until he decided he wanted...wanted...a…" She trailed off

"Professional? Hairdresser?" Ash offered.

"Yes! Hairdresser. Cut it until he wanted real hairdresser," she scoffed.

Ash chucked. "Well I hate hairdressers, so I'll let you cut it."

She smiled and dunked her teabag. "Just let me know when," she said as she left the room.

Ash smiled.

Ash sat on the patio chairs outside, coffee in hand. Rain drummed steadily on the overhead awning, its sweet smell filling his lungs. He sipped his black coffee, letting it warm him from the inside out. He closed his eyes and just listened to the rain, content doing nothing else.

After several minutes of solitude, the back door opened and Eiji stepped out.

"Hey," he said with a cup of coffee in his chilled hands. "Cold out for June."

Ash nodded and smiled up at him from his chair. "Hey."

Eiji sat beside him.

For a long moment, neither boy spoke. Only the sound of rain and sipped coffee filled the air. Ash wondered to himself why Eiji hadn't teased him about his unusually early rise. Strange. And then he remembered the way he'd woken up that morning, with Eiji turned away from him, properly on his own side of the bed. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Eiji noticed because Eiji always did. He decided last night he wouldn't say anything about the situation unless Ash mentioned it first, but something told him Ash had just reached the conclusion on his own.

"I know what you're thinking," Eiji began calmly, "so I'll save your mind the trouble."

Ash looked at him terrified, but Eiji did not return his gaze. He knew. He'd seen...or heard...or both. He wanted to run and hide in shame. And he might have if Eiji had looked upset or disgusted, but he didn't.

"I saw," Eiji said simply.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry, Eiji...I-"

"You don't have to apologize you were asleep for fuck's sake."

Ash's eyes widened at his choice of words. That wasn't like him. Maybe he was upset.

"Are you pissed?" Ash asked hesitantly.

Eiji's head turned sharply to look at him. "Yes, I'm fucking pissed," he began, causing Ash to wince, "but not for whatever reason you think." He took a deep breath and continued, a little more gently. "Ash, I'm upset that you continue to torture yourself like this. You could have told me that you needed…" his voice trailed off for a moment, searching for the right word, "release."

Ash's face twisted angrily and looked away. "Whatever."

"It's not like I don't understand, ya know? I get it. Believe me, I get it."

"Well, you could tell me too!" Ash snapped.

"That's different and you know it!" Eiji snapped back.

Ash's eyes found the pavement, studying the way the raindrops rippled their own puddles. "Well, fuck, that makes me feel so much better," he spat sarcastically.

Eiji inhaled a deep breath, trying to calm himself before he snapped back. "Look, Ash, I don't want to argue. Just please, don't feel bad about it, okay? It's normal, but I just wanted you to know, you could have said something before it came to that."

"Hmph! And hell, what was I supposed to tell you?!" he began angrily and embarrassed. "Please Eiji, jack me off cuz I hate doing it myself?! But I also can't be with you right now because I made a fool of myself last time?" He said in an exaggerated voice.

Eiji's face changed. He looked as if Ash had just punched him in the gut. Ash instantly regretted his tone of voice...and his words.

"You didn't make a fool of yourself," Eiji said softly, a bit shell-shocked.

Ash rolled his eyes, "I absolutely did," he argued bitterly. And then his face softened. "But maybe I shouldn't have said it aloud."

With raised eyebrows and a shake of his head, Eiji replied, "Well it's a good thing you did 'cuz otherwise I wouldn't have known. And if I'd known sooner this all could've been avoided. Cuz I could have told you that's bullshit." He looked at Ash. "Because it is. That's bullshit, Ash. Being traumatized will never make you a fool."

He meant it, Ash could tell.

"And I would have said yes, by the way," Eiji added as an afterthought. "You were trying to sound ridiculous, but you could've asked me just like that and I would have said yes. Because isn't that basically what we did for the longest time?" He let the question sink in.

Ash stared into the rain, considering his words. "I mean...I guess."

"Just because we moved forward doesn't mean we have to every time. We can just...be us…We don't have to move how others would. We never did anyway."

"But that means you-"

"Well right now I'm not getting anything, so you tell me which is better," Eiji said, interrupting him. The words came out harsher than he expected and he heard Ash's breath catch. "I'm sorry, that came out wrong-I didn't mean-"

"No, it's fine-You're right."

"I still don't expect anything, Ash, I never will," Eiji clarified.

"But you want."

"Yeah, okay, I want, but I don't want to do anything that goes against your wishes."

"I know that, Eiji," Ash spoke the words so quietly the rain almost drowned them out eintirely.

Silence fell between them and for a moment no one spoke.

"I've been thinking about this for a while...and now seems like a good time to say it," Eiji began.

Ash looked at him almost fearfully. What on Earth was he about to say?

"Sometimes fights are won with peace treaties. In fact, those are the hardest to win, because they require true maturity." He glanced at Ash. "You need to honestly ask yourself, why can't you get hard" Ash flinched at the phrase, "when it's been established you'll be giving, but always can any other time? Is it because you're scared you don't deserve it? Or that you won't live up to my expectations? Or is it because you don't actually want that? Maybe it's because it isn't your thing. And if that's the case, maybe it's time to make peace with that. If you don't like it, you don't have to keep trying." He paused and let Ash contemplate everything he'd just said.

"Ash?" Eiji asked when Ash didn't speak. "What do you think it is?"

"It's complicated."

"Help me understand."

Ash took a deep breath, preparing for his long-winded answer. "Okay, 1" he lifted a finger for emphasis, "being used is a whole lot easier when I was on bottom. On top made me feel like I wanted it...which I didn't. It just always made everything worse. I always hated it and I can't imagine that changing, but with you...I'm sure it would. It's just-hard to picture myself succeeding." He raised a second finger, "Two, I did it less often. Way less. I'm not as experienced in that area, it might be shit." Eiji didn't roll his eyes, but he was tempted to. Another finger raised, "Three...I do still feel like I don't deserve to have you in that way. You're so pure and I'm-"

"Don't say it, Ash," Eiji warned, cutting in before he could say the word dirty.

Ash nearly scowled.

"You feel dirty, but you aren't actually tainted in any way...not to me," Eiji added with confidence.

Ash shook his head slightly and set his empty mug on the ground. "Eiji, you don't get it," he rolled up his sleeves, "sometimes I feel quite literally filthy, like no matter how hard I scrub I'll never be clean again."

Eiji inhaled sharply as he caught sight of Ash's red, abraded arms. Tears formed in his eyes. He got up from his chair frantically, practically falling to the ground beside Ash's chair. He kneeled before him, eyes trained on his poor arms. Ever so gently, he placed a cautious hand on each wrist. Ash didn't pull away.

"Oh, Ash," he whispered, "Ash."

Overcome with emotion, he had no further words. Tears spilled from his eyes and onto Ash's painful skin as he bowed his head and placed a barely-there kiss onto each wrist.

"Because of last night?" Eiji asked, eyes still raking over the hurt.

"Yeah," Ash practically sighed. Briefly, Ash brought Eiji up to speed on why exactly this particular situation brought him so much pain.

Eiji stopped crying, and instead, rage boiled inside him. This was one of those things he didn't know how to fix. Dino was dead, but his ghost still haunted Ash incessantly. But then he remembered Ash's words when they'd returned from Tokyo with Ash in a panicked state. 'Just hold me,' he'd said then. He rose to his feet and hugged Ash tight, his blond head hitting Eiji's stomach. Ash's long arms wrapped loosely around Eiji's legs. Neither spoke, they just held each other, the sound of the rain filling their wordless void.

A few tears slipped from Ash's blond lashes. Dino never treated him like this. Dino would punish him at the sight of those arms because he knew what they meant. He'd spit, 'you should be ashamed of yourself! Spoiling all my fun! Don't you love me?!' And no, no he didn't! He despised every cell of his being, down to the very codons of his DNA! And he'd said as much once or twice. Dino would say his body said otherwise, and Ash would cower with nausea because he believed it. He believed there might be some truth to those words and nothing sickened him more. Dino would cackle at the sight and go on to prove his point by forcing his hands on Ash until he was met with 'evidence' of his feelings. But it wasn't evidence of anything except Dino's cruelty. But Ash didn't know that then, and he'd believed him. He thought he was broken. He thought it was fucked up desire, rather than Dino's perverted grooming, that caused him to spill out onto Dino's demented hands.

But Ash would never tell Eiji any of that. He didn't need to know, it would shatter him. Instead, he just pulled Eiji closer and cried softly into his shirt as Eiji stroked his hair and back lovingly like Ash deserved.

"I love you, Ash. No matter what happened before or what happens in the future. Trauma and all. You're my favorite person in the whole wide world and nothing could ever change that. I'll never stop loving you," Eiji told him softly as he continued to stroke his hair with love.

Between soft cries, Ash asked, "P-p-promise?" He knew his words showed weakness, vulnerability, but he didn't care. Because this was Eiji. And he'd just said he'd love him no matter what.

"I promise, baby."