Winter of the White Wolf

Chapter 21 - The Eye of the Storm

The remainder of the visit to the Wakandan National Aeronautics Museum was blissfully uneventful. It was only when the group wrapped up and stepped back into the afternoon sun that the lingering dread began to creep back into Bucky's periphery. Ayo and Yama strode on either side of Shuri as the Wakandans led them back to the nearest landing dock where Nomble was waiting to rendezvous with them.

Sam kept his eyes up as they walked, continuing to drink in the sights of the busy city with a palpable enthusiasm that made Bucky glad he'd offered to come along. Seeing his friend - his partner - he corrected, still trying to adjust to the term and the strange new weight it carried, well, seeing Sam have a spot of enjoyment in all this was a nice type of levity. It didn't counterbalance the guilt he had getting him involved in all this, but it was something.

Mostly: He really didn't want a repeat of last night. Things had gotten so bad there for awhile that he'd be lying to himself if he hadn't at least considered the fleeting possibility of getting on the first plane back to the States and never looking back. He wasn't proud of the fact that the thought had occurred to him, but he guessed it was becoming abundantly clear that he wasn't really great with dealing with strong emotions in general. It was just so much easier to push them aside.

Which was what had gotten him into this mess to begin with. Score one for Bucky Barnes and his propensity for digging the hole deeper.

That being as it was, as he kept pace beside Sam on the tarmac, he also knew that while the group of them were cautiously on speaking terms again, it wasn't as if there'd been much resolution to speak of, particularly between he and Ayo. To be honest: he wasn't entirely sure how much could be expected from words alone, but if the morning's events had done nothing else, they only solidified his desire to try to make amends however he could.

He absentmindedly regarded the Kimoyo beads around his wrist as they boarded the plane and took their seats. Sam lounged beside him while Shuri sat across from them with Ayo on one side and Yama on the other as Nomble stepped back to the front of the craft and prepared to get it airborne.

Bucky tried to push the anxiety away, but as the hatch closed behind them, he could feel that aching tension steadily latch into him like someone had secured a cage door while he was caught wandering too close to a pride of lions.

The comparison was probably a little too on-the-nose considering.

Across the way, Shuri was being her usual pleasant self and apparently decided she didn't want to take the short trip in silence when she could instead be indulging Sam in all manner of inquiries about the museum and tech on display inside. This in-turn led to discussions about his suit, wings, Redwing, JB (dammit Sam…), and their components. Bucky felt no inclination to interject himself into the conversation, and instead casually followed along while trying to figure out where he could even begin to plead his case once they landed. Where could he even start?

Last night had gone fantastically sideways in part because he'd been caught unaware of the sheer scope of what they were walking into. But now that they'd not only beheld the profoundly disconcerting Madripoor footage and he'd learned a great deal more about just how much he'd managed to wound them, it wasn't as if the added perspective made anything they'd done somehow more palatable. If anything: Bucky just felt more glaringly aware of how tremendously he'd messed up at a string of critical junctures, one more painful than the next.

He'd dug the hole so deep he wasn't sure if there was any way out, and if he were being honest: He wasn't sure he deserved the chance. He felt like he was one wrong word away from Ayo being done with him entirely, and he wasn't used to feeling like he was on the razor's edge with her. They'd been through so much, and he was ashamed to think how he'd just run with the assumption that her steadfast presence was a given. That she was strong and understanding, and just… Ayo.

He could still clearly remember sitting back on the floor in his apartment in Brooklyn missing Steve and feeling sorry for himself when he saw the beads blinking, letting him know he had messages. He'd been so absolutely convinced that the relationships he'd once held so dear were just figments of his imagination. That his time in Wakanda was just yet another example of him being a burden on other people that they only put up with on account of Steve.

So he'd done the childish thing and put the strands on silent before he stuffed them away where he couldn't see them, because ignoring them was easier to face than the alternative.

And now?

Now he came to learn that not only had a number of the Wakandans cared enough to try to get in touch as soon as the world had been set right again, but some of them had made a decided effort to regularly leave him messages while was freaking dusted.

While a part of his brain was prone to self-sabotage, there wasn't any logical part of him that could view those actions as anything other than the actions of people that genuinely cared about him.

Which, in turn: just made him feel worse, and a completely new layer of guilt that was so deep, so profoundly awful, that he felt certain it wasn't even listed among the tumultuous tiers of Dante's Inferno.

He was casually alerted to movement to one side of him, and Sam saying his name so he belatedly tuned back into the conversation, "-So yeah, Buck and I got the shield back from Walker after that video you mentioned, but he made it a point to tear apart the old wings in the process because he's just that kind of guy."

"That kind of Asshole," Bucky automatically corrected, because he couldn't help himself.

Sam shot him a look that may have very well been a language reprimand on account of either perceived feminine sensibilities or royalty being present, or both, but Bucky knew well enough that Shuri's own tongue wasn't always always so measured nor golden. She just tended to curse in colorful languages other than English. Or descriptive hand gestures.

Sure: Walker may have stepped up in the end to fight the Flag Smashers when they were set against letting the GRC ratify the Path Act, but just because he'd managed to change his tune for a few beats certainly didn't mean Bucky was obligated to sugarcoat the guy.

Shuri made a light snort in response to Bucky's remark before looking back to Sam for clarification, "Weren't your old wings carbon fiber? I'm surprised they were that fragile."

Sam cringed, "They weren't. By that point, Walker'd seen fit to take the serum he'd squandered from the Flag Smashers, so..."

"I still say he took it as an enema," Bucky grumbled under his breath. He received a sharp jab from Sam's elbow in response, but he stood by his solemn statement. When he glanced up and across from him, though, it was apparent that something one of them had said was news to the Wakandans.

"Wait. That man. 'John' from Latvia?" This was Ayo.

"One in the same," Bucky confirmed. For a moment, he considered offering accolades that the Dora's juggling had been so decidedly swift that it'd clearly prompted the man to feel he needed an edge, but Bucky was certain that not only was that the wrong thing to say, but he didn't want to imply there was any causality to speak of. What Walker'd done was his own choice, he just needed the excuse to push him over and make it justified. It certainly hadn't made him any more stable, that was for sure.

That said: Bucky knew the Doras could still royally juggle his ass, serum or no. And that was something he wouldn't mind seeing again if the opportunity presented itself.

That was a thought for another time, "Zemo destroyed the other vials, but he must have missed at least one, and I guess Walker found it and thought it was his time and his calling."

"That's what we were investigating," Sam clarified, "At the start of things, I mean. We'd gotten word some Flag Smashers were strong, too strong, and Redwing was able to track them down in Munich. When we got there, we realized there were eight new super soldiers out in the field, and we didn't know where they were coming from or how many more there were."

The expressions of the women across from them had grown ever-more focused, and any humor Shuri had faded away at the news. Ayo's eyes pressed squarely into Bucky as she visibly waited for him to take over from where Sam left off. Even Sam picked-up on the unspoken prompt.

Bucky cleared his throat and found his words were for Ayo specifically, "I should have gotten in touch with you and Shuri as soon as we found out. Right then. I don't have any good excuse why I didn't, other than it felt important to try to cut to the chase as quickly as we could. I'm not defending what we did. It was my idea. But I've seen what people can do with that stuff. I didn't want it to escalate."

Ayo's expression was as tight as her grip on her spear, but she was listening. Yama glanced between Shuri and Ayo, as if she considered saying something or asking a question, but decided it wasn't the place or time.

Apparently they were doing this now, and it was Bucky's opportunity to try and break some of this down into more digestible parts. For a moment, he started to lose his nerve and found himself staring at the beads around his wrist again, but Sam being Sam just lightly nudged him with his leg, as if prompting him to keep going with what he was saying.

Bucky met his friend's encouraging eyes briefly before he took another harried breath and found his voice again. He forced himself to level with Ayo's unwavering brown eyes, "I can promise you with every part of my being that when we went to see Zemo, which again: was my idea, not Sam's - I had no intention at all of procuring a way for him to break out. I'm sure somewhere deep down I just wanted to come face-to-face with him again after all that he'd done. Remember how we used to talk about that? About what I'd do if I saw him again?"

He realized he was rapidly leading himself down a trap of his own making, because among their prior discussions, there certainly weren't steps like "Meet with Zemo," "Break Zemo out of jail," "Take a flight with Zemo and discuss music," "Pretend to be his pet assassin," "Go clubbing," and something about Turkish delight.

God. The more he thought about it, the worse it all sounded.

Ayo didn't say anything, but her eyes remained burning embers of discontent and Bucky had to push himself to continue, "Anyway. I don't think I even knew what to expect. Maybe that it'd feel good to see him locked up in there after all he'd done, all the countless people he'd hurt, all the people he'd had me hurt. But first thing he did was to lead with the words, those words, because he's a gentleman like that." Bucky kept going, "But somewhere in there, I actually started believing that he might have an actual lead we could use to put a stop to things, and since he was our only lead, I thought that if he could be a means to an end to help uncover where the serum was coming from, then I could tell myself it was all about the greater good or something. I don't know. I'm not trying to justify it to you because it was obviously a bad call, but I just want you to know I wasn't thinking straight and it wasn't part of some well thought-out plan. I just got scared." That last part felt like it bore a lot more weight than he realized when he'd said it out loud.

"...Because you thought they could be making more willing, or potentially unwilling test subjects," Shuri observed, meeting his eyes.

Now it was Sam's turn to give Bucky a significant look. It was an expression that said he'd been along for every step of the ride firsthand, but that last bit… even he apparently hadn't put together that some of Bucky's deepest fears had been drawn from a very particular brand of nightmare that involved the serum being used on others without their consent.

"Shit," Sam managed, looking at Bucky with a whole new layer of understanding, and then quickly to Shuri as a belated apology to his language, "Wait, you thought they could be making more of what they did to you? I hadn't even considered. You never said-"

"-We didn't know one way or the other," Bucky reasoned, "But I had to know. I just... " his eyes went back to Shuri, Yama, Ayo, but he made sure to speak loud enough so Nomble could continue to follow as well, "I didn't know. I thought if there was even the smallest chance Zemo could be useful, it was somehow worth it to prevent that sort of thing from spiraling further. I wasn't oblivious: I'm not going to sit here and pretend I didn't at least consider contacting you to let you know. But by that point, I'd already been dodging your messages for months, and somewhere in there, I just convinced myself it was more important we act quickly to get to the bottom of things. In hindsight, the only thing I can tell you is I panicked and was thinking about the mission before anything else. Including how all of you would feel." He waved his hand in Sam's direction, "I didn't run the impromptu prison break by Sam ahead of time either. I came up with it spur-of-the-moment and dropped it on him."

Before Sam could interject, Bucky turned to him, meeting his eyes seriously, "If I'm thinking about getting involved in something that could land one or both of us in jail or shot at, it would have been considerate for me to at least consult you. So I'm sorry for that too."

Sam crossed his arms and let out a resigned sigh as if he'd already long-since forgiven Bucky for that particular trespass, "Yeah, but I went along with it, so I'm not exactly blameless here either."

Bucky was casually aware of the plane settling as it came to a soft landing, but that the hatch remained closed after the thrusters quieted. As Nomble put some of the systems on standby, Ayo made a gesture to her to come sit beside her, and the Dora did just that, catching Bucky's eye evaluating as she did. Apparently, they were doing this here. Now.

There could be worse places, Bucky reasoned.

While Shuri certainly held the highest rank among them and was anything but meek, it was obvious she was deferring to Ayo to speak up next, and it didn't take her long to do just that. Her voice was low and pointed, "And how soon after that did you travel to Madripoor?"

God, we were going right into that?

Okay then. Madripoor.

"Not long after," Bucky admitted, "Zemo, well, apparently Zemo was a Baron. Is a Baron? Whatever, he had access to people and resources, including ones on shadier end of the spectrum. He felt certain he would be able to leverage one of his contacts in Madripoor to get a lead on where the serum was coming from."

"And you believed him?"

The question was more of an accusation which felt like it contained more venom than it should have, but he saw what she was getting at: That Bucky'd chosen to place his trust in a murderer and master manipulator over those that were supposed to be his allies. He sighed as the weight of his guilty conscience bared down upon him, "Yeah, I bought into the whole thing. Even the disguises."

The word felt like the right word to use when Bucky's said it, but the flare in Ayo's eyes told him he'd severely misstepped. Her response was swift enough that he half-expected her spear to turn on him, "Ngaba uyibhengeza ngokungafihlisiyo, James? Uyakhumbula na ukuba yintoni into enjalo?" You brazenly declare it a disguise, James? Do you even remember what such a thing is?

She hotly continued, "Xa thina okanye Hatut Zeraze sifuna ukufihla ubukho bethu, asizenzi ngathi singababulali ukuze nje "sidibane," kwaye ngokuqinisekileyo ngekhe sifune ukuyenza le ndima ngokungathandabuzekiyo, njengenja eqeqeshiweyo efuna ukubuyela ehokweni. Umdlalo." When we or the Hatut Zeraze need to mask our presence, we do not feign at being murderers simply to "blend in," and we certainly wouldn't seek to act the part so convincingly, like a trained dog eager to return to a cage match.

Bucky wasn't sure what he could say to that.

He let her words sink in for a moment, feeling painfully close to that precipice of no return with her if he said the wrong thing. Why had he done it? Why had he agreed, when everything in him was screaming it was a terrible plan that was liable to get them all killed. Why?

He felt his lips tremble as he tried to steady his breath and address her, because somewhere not-to-deep-down, he already knew the answer, even if he hadn't spoken it aloud to anyone: Sam included, "I already told you I wasn't thinking clearly. At all. But I'm telling you the truth when I tell you I think I was just… I was willing to do whatever it took if it meant we could get to the bottom of where the serum was coming from. If that meant I had to put myself in an uncomfortable position, where I had to pretend at-length to be someone I'm ashamed of, someone who did countless horrific acts on command and left me with multiple lifetimes worth of unresolved nightmares... Ayo, I can't honestly say I wouldn't do it again if it had the chance to prevent just one person from going through what I did. Just one."

Bucky was struggling to keep focused on those fierce eyes of hers, "I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but you told me to always be honest with you, and I'm being honest with you now. I clearly went about it the wrong way, but I also didn't mean to hurt you, any of you. And I know I did. I'm sorry. I thought the only person I was hurting by putting on the act was myself," he admitted, as if that somehow made his actions more palatable to his audience.

He considered saying something more, but Ayo spat something under her breath that he didn't feel the need to translate for Sam, "Andikholelwa ukuba usisidenge. Ndibambe ithemba iminyaka emihlanu yokudibana nolu hlambi lomgxobhozo lwezizathu ezibambekayo." I can't believe you're such a fool. I held out hope for five years to be met with this swamp wash of belated excuses.

Bucky flinched at the pointed candor in her words, but he kept going because he didn't want things to risk spiraling like they did the night prior, and his heart rate was already telling him that was becoming a distinct possibility, "Look, I can't change what happened. I wish I could go back and do things differently, because as I'm saying all of this out loud I'm realizing more and more how it sounds like I trusted Zemo, Zemo,more than I trusted you, but that's not how I feel at all."

Bucky knew Ayo well enough to be able to pick up on the fact she was straining to control her breathing. Her jaw was clenched as she considered her next words carefully. Her fierce grip on her vibranium spear was… telling. Not in a good way.

Had they reached that point of no return?

Sam's voice slipped seamlessly into the conversation, "To be clear, neither of us actually trusted Zemo and his shit." Thank god for Sam. "We were well-aware he was probably trying to play us to his advantage, but after spending a few days with the man I can tell you that as messed up as it is: He really does seem to genuinely consider preventing the creation of more super soldiers to be a warped calling and his life's work. And Madripoor was a bad look on all of us, like decidedly bad, but it did actually end up being a lead."

Sam put his hands up, as if surrendering to the bizarreness of the fact, "I'm not defending any of what went down either, Baron Zemo least of them. He played things up in Madripoor for sure, even had sick enjoyment watching us squirm, but gross as it says to say this out loud, I'm also not entirely sure we would have been able to crack the case without him. As Buck said though: We clearly went about it all-sorts of backwards, and should've reached out and gotten you involved rather than having you put together a reunion tour on account of seeing that particular footage."

Something about the weight of the conversation suddenly shifted, and Ayo's gaze moved between Sam and then back to Bucky. It was Shuri that spoke next, her voice even, "We didn't summon you to Wakanda because of the Madripoor videos."

Bucky lifted his head in confusion at that, "Wait, you didn't?"

Shuri shook her head, as if that was obvious from where she was sitting, "No. I discovered the first of them when you were already enroute here."

...Which explained why Ayo was pleasant and "White Wolf" enough on their call back in Symkaria, and why his name had been swiftly downgraded to "James" upon their arrival in Wakanda alongside the sudden, unexplained shift in her mood.

Even still, Bucky wasn't entirely following, "I'm confused. Why'd you summon us here then, if not for that? Zemo?"

At this question, there was a whole mood that rolled over the Wakandans in front of him. They clearly knew something he didn't, and that moreover: He was feeling inclined to believe it wasn't necessarily something he was going to like.

"What is it?" Bucky asked again, his voice softer and more probing as he tried to remember back to what exact question he'd asked Ayo back in Symkaria. "About the murders and the royal family? I was hoping maybe you'd remembered me saying anything about the area at some point, even if it was in passing." That was it, right? That was why he'd finally been prompted to reach out to Ayo?

Shuri still had that certain inscrutable look on her face, and Bucky found his pulse rise as he tried to remember where he remembered repeatedly seeing it over the years, because it wasn't a new expression. It was a quiet, almost grave countenance that said she had news to deliver, and not necessarily the good kind.

Ayo spoke up next, "I don't remember you saying anything about Symkaria, specifically," she admitted, and even her tone had that hauntingly familiar weight to it. Whatever frustration she had about Zemo and Madripoor vanished utterly in that moment, and for just a fraction of a second, just a beat of a hummingbird's wings: Bucky felt like she was reaching out across the years to speak with him candidly. Like they used to, when it was just the two of them.

He felt small in that moment as he focused his undivided attention on her and how she kept her eyes on him as she spoke. There was no anger to be found there, no reprimand, no push of guilt, "You left before we could finish your training," she explained in carefully measured tones, "I called you back so we could talk about if there is a way to help you search out the memories you seek."

Her words hung in the open air of the jet like a fog rolling over his mind, slowly obscuring his thoughts with a weight he thought he'd already managed to shuck off. He swallowed, unsure of what he should be feeling, or even say.

He knew the two of them weren't on the best of terms, that there was an ocean between them in so many ways. Yet as he looked across to her, he could see that strong woman that'd been through his side through so much, and that unspoken resolve that even now, even after all he'd done, all the missteps and betrayal: if there was some way she could help him, she would.

"Come. We should talk," Ayo concluded with pointed intention as she got to her feet, leaving the other matters to rest for the time being.

Author's Remarks:

I'm currently working 12+ hour days at the moment which isn't leaving me nearly as much time for R&R and writing as I'd like, but I can't tell you just how excited I am to hit this point in the story.

I remember feeling like it had the potential to fall flat if the Wakandans felt like one-dimensional cut-outs, and I hope that instead you feel like there's a lot of nuance and characterization to chew on.

Buckle-in: We're just getting started, friends.

Your comments fuel me on these long days, so thank you for sharing your ongoing thoughts with me, and all your continued support!

Written to "Home Truths," by Henry Jackman on "The Falcon and the Winter Soldier": Vol. 2 Soundtrack.