Winter of the White Wolf

Chapter 23 - Quicksand

"Something is still in there," Zemo had said back in Berlin.

And Zemo… Zemo had apparently been right.

Not in the way he intended, perhaps. Bucky was only willing to give the manipulative sleazebag so much credit.

But he also hadn't been entirely wrong.

And Bucky hated it.

Hated it.

He sat obediently along the edge of the examination table feigning patience while Shuri set up nearby machines that hadn't seen use for this particular purpose in over five years.

A quick glance to his forearm confirmed that the IV was still right where it just was fifteen seconds earlier, connected to a line ran up to a hanging saline bag. He regarded it with a certain calloused familiarity that came only from too many years of medical procedures.

Usually one of Shuri's medical assistants would have done the IV, but apparently Yama had gotten some additional medical training in the last few years, enough that she'd seen fit to volunteer to do the honors so that they didn't need to call anyone else in to assist. Truth to be told, her hands had been more gentle than he expected, and she'd actually done a pretty decent job of finding a vein. Well, once she realized threading a needle into enhanced skin took a fair bit more effort than regular skin.

Because of course: nothing could be easy.

Her initial curse in Wakandan had startled Sam into motion, but she quickly recovered her composure and connected the line, muttering something about "Steel Wolf" under her breath.

Once that fiasco was over, Sam saw fit to keep no more than a few protective feet away from Bucky while they waited on Shuri and watched her move about the lab like a purposeful whirlwind of activity while she went about setting things up. He was pretty sure she hadn't expected him to agree to the scans in the same conversation as the one where she'd confessed her concerns, but he also didn't think waiting would do him a drop of good. So: here he was. Back to being a lab rat.

He did his best not to let familiar fears sink back into him, but it was difficult not to when it seemed like so much was still unknown. He'd known he had shadows in his memories regarding his time when he was serving HYDRA, but the thought that there could be more he was missing, and that that could continue to worsen over time was frankly terrifying. Especially if he was unaware it was happening.

He'd known people with dementia and alzheimers, and that wasn't a life he wanted for himself.

So yeah, Shuri's offer of assistance versus letting him walk away was a fair one, but he also knew he'd be an idiot if he didn't at least see if she could do her Shuri thing and figure out more about what was going on, and moreover: if there was anything they could do to help.

He remembered Ayo noting it would be prudent he make himself scarce in Wakanda after Zemo, and he counted himself as lucky that apparently their concern for his well-being trumped their disappointment over his poor decisions.

Bucky tried to take solace in the fact that the Wakandans insisted all of the programming had been, how had they put it? That they'd made it benign? But the thought of it still there in any form made him sick, like the idea that he had a dormant tumor lying in wait inside him, ready to turn cancerous and murderous at a moment's notice.

He did his best to convince himself he was overreacting. Not only had Ayo said the full plethora of words multiple times, but Okoye had done the same just to make sure there was no mistake, that he was truly in the clear after Shuri'd dug the other bits out. In particular, he'd grown so used to the feel of how the countdown procedure took hold over him that it was still surreal to hear those words and just… be able to maintain his focus. His hold on himself. It was a damn gift after so long.

And now? Now he'd come to learn that even after all that, HYDRA's legacy apparently lived on inside him, the damage they'd done lingering in countless ways that apparently included the very real possibility that his damaged mind was slowly seeping away memories, leeching them back into some unreachable void he couldn't access.

Sam remained beside him with his arms crossed in what amounted to his version of going full mother hen mode with no outlet for his anxious energy. Bucky was pretty sure he was taking it as a personal failing that he hadn't thought to bring along some sort of Super Soldier snack pack for their little outing, "Is there anything else I can be doing?" Sam asked, because what else was he going to ask under the circumstances?

"Not really," Bucky admitted, "It's just a series of scans." He took a deep breath and did what he could to remind himself that the procedure was nothing to be anxious about. It was Shuri, not HYDRA. But that being as it was: sitting on a examination table while hooked-up to an IV and diodes wasn't exactly his idea of a casual afternoon, and even after so many scans and tests here in Wakanda, some part of him was always a little too close to remembering any one of the dozens of procedures HYDRA subjected him to years earlier. One of the scientists used to call them 'enrichment.' Cute.

He turned his attention away from that slippery slope and back to Sam, "Honestly? The silence is driving me crazy. If you have literally anything you want to talk about or ask about," he made a subtle gesture with his hand on account of the IV, "I'm all ears."

Sam snorted lightly, but his expression was sympathetic. He kept his eyes focused on Bucky's, and did his best to avoid looking at the empty spot where his arm was supposed to be. It was weird how having even that blue shawl made the absence more manageable, and how without it, he was left feeling bare and vulnerable. But every now and then, Bucky felt his friend's eyes linger. He couldn't blame him. This just… it just wasn't the sort of thing they talked about. The closest they'd gotten was once when Sam'd asked if vibranium got hot if it was out in the sun too long.

"We've done an impressive job dodging talking about, you know, this stuff," Sam observed.

Bucky acknowledged the observation with a tilt of his head and slight shrug of his shoulders, "That's on me, Counselor," he noted, "I'm starting to think that taking a page from your playbook might have been preferable to outright avoidance."

"An understatement," Yama saw fit to casually remark from where she stood nearby.

"Wow, Yama. Appreciate the vote of confidence," Bucky responded before turning his attention back to Sam, "So? Come on, you've gotta have something."

Sam scoffed, "I mean, obviously, but I'm also trying to be supportive here, not play 20 questions just because I have a captive audience who may or may not be drugged."

"It's just saline, "Bucky countered, "And your partner told you how you could help, " he did his best to feign dejection.

Sam practically sputtered at that, which was just the reaction Bucky was hoping for to distract him from the silence he was presently swimming with. "Okay then, if we're going to play it that way: Fine." He kept one of his arms folded and used the other to gesture to Bucky, "So let's say I graciously understood, with all respect to those present, maybe twenty percent of what Shuri said. Do you think you could give it a go explaining the part specifically about the Winter Soldier and whatever it was dealing with locked-away memories, because frankly: that went a bit over your partner's head."

Bucky felt the corner of his mouth quirk into just the hint of a smile, "I'll give it a go, but Ayo's had, uh, she's had a very particular type of firsthand experience that probably fills in a lot of the blanks."

The security chief in question was a few steps beyond Sam and turned to face them with an expression of quiet regard when she'd heard her name. He was relieved to see that the anger had steadily drained from her eyes in the passing hour or so. Were it years ago when Sam wasn't around, Bucky was acutely aware that she would have been the one standing nearby and making small chat with him while they waited on Shuri to finish her prep. He regarded Ayo for a thoughtful moment before adding, "You know you don't have to stand that far away. I mean. You can if you want to of course, but you're welcome to be part of the conversation, too."

As her intense eyes evaluated him, he worried he might've been too direct, but then the Dora gestured for Nomble and Yama to pivot their attention to ensure Shuri was properly guarded, and Ayo took two decided steps forward to form a social triangle with him and Sam. Ayo's grip on her staff was alert but casual: a good start.

Bucky inclined his head to her before he addressed Sam's specific question, "So some of it's understandably foggy, but basically HYDRA was big on secrecy, and that included a lot of what went on with the Winter Soldiers. The premise seemed to be that HYDRA wanted to be able to have control over information about all the missions that took place, and they didn't want that information falling into the wrong hands."

"With you so far," Sam confirmed, listening.

"So the closest way I can describe it to you from the inside, was that as mission objectives were completed, many details about them just… sort of slipped away like the memories were in quicksand. While they were really fresh, I could recall them, like when you and Steve talked to me in Munich right after Zemo, but after a little more time, the details just… a lot just sort of fade to the background and become a muffled jumble."

"We think that was programmed with intention," Ayo offered, "So that the Soldiers wouldn't risk having their thoughts linger on the past for too long. Such an approach also prevented them from divulging sensitive information if they were captured."

"Right," Bucky agreed, "And it also allowed for an additional way for HYDRA to control how the information was used. Because even if the details of particular missions sunk away, knowledgeable handlers were able to use trigger words in order to put the Soldiers into a state where they were not only obedient, but it allowed them to access those past memories and mission information with HYDRA's express permission."

Sam cocked his head, "Sort of like a cheat code?"

Bucky rolled the comparison over in his mind before acquiescing, "Kind of. It wasn't like if they said it, suddenly you just remembered everything, but it they asked about specifics, then it was like a key unlocked certain doors for a time. Long enough to answer their questions."

He considered a moment before adding, "I… I never got to talk to Steve about some of this stuff, so I'm not sure if it was the same for him on account of his brand of serum or not, but at least for me, the serum gave me… I don't think I'd call it an Eidetic Memory, but it definitely improved aspects of my memory. So handlers could say the magic words and inquire about missions that were seventy years ago or whatever and I'd be able to tell you everything about it, down to the color of shoes of the person I-" He stopped himself from letting the thought draw out to its predictable conclusion.

He continued, "Anyway: I could remember all sorts of details. But if you asked me at any other time, even if I was on another mission or once I got away and stopped getting wiped, I wouldn't necessarily remember much about it."

Sam followed along, but this information was apparently offering insight to other unspoken questions he'd had over the years, "So is that why you went on the run after the helicarriers? Because you did remember, or because you didn't remember?"

That one was hard to answer, even on the best of days, "I honestly didn't know who I was. I just knew I didn't want to go back to HYDRA and get wiped again. I felt like I recognized Steve enough to want to make sure he recovered okay in D.C. like I told you, but I'm not sure I have the vocabulary to describe what it was like during that time for me. It wasn't true amnesia, not really. It was just like everything was a jumble and I needed time to try and sort things out. To try at least."

He knew what he wanted to say, but the next part he'd never told anyone, including Steve. But somehow with Sam and Ayo standing there listening to him and Shuri somewhere nearby, it felt like if he was ever going to share this private bit about his past and his strange and ever-changing relationship with memories: these were the people he'd share it with.

"I spent a lot of time journaling. Back then, I mean. When I was on the run after the helicarriers. I wrote down everything I could think of in what must've been a dozen second-hand notebooks. Just a massive hodge-podge of scattered bits and pieces of anything and everything he could remember. It was like this massive puzzle with too many pieces, none of which really fit together, and I didn't have any sort of box-cover to use as a guide. I didn't have some near-religious moment of remembering 'James Barnes,' or something, so I didn't have the sort of emotion-filled loss of identity I think you're imagining. It was more… clinical? More detached. I would just have these flickers of images, and I didn't understand the context of most of them, but I felt compelled to document as much as I could."

A few steps to Sam's side, Ayo's expression had gone somber. He might not have discussed the journals with her, but she certainly remembered their talks on similar topics over the years, and how hard it had been for him when the emotional impact of those memories finally hit him full-force.

"Did it help at all?" Sam's voice was ever-compassionate.

It took Bucky a second to try to figure out how he wanted to answer that, "Not in the way you're thinking," he admitted. "Starting out, I didn't write things down because I thought I'd be able to put things together and figure my life out: you couldn't make sense of a life like that. I did it because I didn't want to be back to square one again if HYDRA found me and wiped and scrambled everything again. I was just… I was so sure they'd find me that sometimes I just poured myself into those journals with everything I had, ripping and taping bits in place if I could do something to reorder them and make them make even a drop more sense. Making notes for my future-self. But with so many of those memories just… slowly slipping into the quicksand with time. It felt like those journals were my lifeline: there to act as surrogate memories and be there to help me remember if and when HYDRA found me and worse came to worst."

Ayo shifted her weight to her other foot, "I remember you making personal recordings when you came to Wakanda, but you never mentioned the journals. What became of them?"

Bucky shrugged, "I kept most of them hidden away in a backpack I tucked away under the floorboards. It was confiscated, what? Seven years ago or so back in Bucharest when Steve, Sam, T'Challa, S.H.I.E.L.D., the U.N., and pretty much the whole military put a target on my back after Zemo bombed the U.N. But that was years ago. I have no idea what happened to any of it."

"Wait, that bag you chucked out the window when you were on the run?" Sam inquired.

"The very same," Bucky confirmed.

"Huh. I always assumed it was gear like… knives or weapons or something."

That got the smallest of reactions out of Bucky, "Guess I can't fault you for presuming."

Sam shrugged, "Considering I don't think I'd heard you say more than five words up to that point, I don't think it's a stretch to say I didn't really picture you sitting around writing an autobiography."

Bucky snorted, "Well, they confiscated the bag and everything in it when they took your wings and Steve's shield. Could've ended up on eBay for all I know. I think what still bothers me is not knowing what was in them. Like I'm sure there has to be stuff that didn't make sense to me then that would now. Or at least I'd like to think so." He took a deep breath and shrugged helplessly, "Story of my life."

Sam frowned, "But I thought you said you couldn't remember a lot of it, back then?"

"I couldn't. Just fragments. I got a lot of images from the dreams too, but even back then, it was hard to tell what were memories, nightmares, or neither. Even now, well, it's gotten better, but I guess it's unrealistic to expect it to go away entirely."

Ayo regarded him thoughtfully, "Do you still meditate, like we taught you?"

Bucky considered the question before answering her honestly, "Not recently, no. I tried here and there, but I fell out of the habit. I guess part of me wanted to think that since I was cured, I didn't need to do that sort of thing anymore."

He half-expected the comment to raise her ire, but didn't find judgement in her expression. There was a quiet patience there, a patience he once remembered looking to for guidance, "There is no point in our lives where taking time for self-reflection breathes a sign of weakness, James."

He found himself searching her eyes, thinking back to the times the two of them had spent in reflective silence while the sounds of the natural world and outside voices faded away. Shuri was many things, but quiet and reflective was not at the forefront of her virtues. It was the Dora Milaje, and Ayo in particular that had taught him the value of stepping into silence and willing it to you, wielding it like it was its own unsung super power.

And like so many things: He'd apparently tossed that lesson aside too.

Her mouth started to move to say something, stopped, then started again with decided purpose, "Perhaps at some point I could show you again. I've learned new techniques in the years since we spoke that might benefit you as well."

And that right there: That was an olive branch so precious and unexpected that it took Bucky a moment to even remember he was presently still sitting in a lab on a table with diodes and an IV plugged to him.

He struggled to control the tightness in his throat as he responded, "I'd really appreciate that, Ayo," he said with what he hoped was as much sincerity as he was feeling.

Sam looked as though he was trying not to move a muscle for fear of upsetting their moment, but Bucky could tell he grasped the shift in Ayo as well. Whether it was a fleeting moment or lasting change had yet to be seen, but it was something.

Seeing Sam standing there also made Bucky acutely aware that the two people in front of him… really hadn't gotten a chance to become acquainted outside of, well, The Battle of Wakanda, The Battle of Earth, Zemo in Latvia, and then this mess of the last day or so here. While he still wasn't entirely sure where his own relationship with Ayo stood, it seemed important he try to offer a little more encouragement between the two of them than, frankly, Steve had given him and Sam.

Shuri was a social butterfly enough that she and Sam already exchanged the occasional video call, but Ayo was… she was Ayo. She was someone who spent so much of her time holed up in the persona that she believed her duty to Wakanda necessitated that sometimes it was challenging to separate that out from who she was outside of work. If Bucky had to guess: the Decimation hadn't made that any easier on her, and he had no way of knowing if Ayo might be willing to get to know Sam better or show that side of herself to someone else, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to try. The fact she'd gone and showed up outside their suite when she was off-duty said something. He wasn't sure exactly what it said, but it was something.

So James Buchanan Barnes decided that there was never going to be a great time to introduce these two and their very, very different personalities, but they were individually so important to him, that it seemed a downright tragedy if he didn't even try. He went straight for it, "So I know you both have met, but none of it was really the best timing and anyway, I probably should have done introductions before this point but: Ayo, Sam Wilson. Sam, Ayo."

Sam raised an eyebrow at the sudden change of topic, and his curious look was a fair approximation of the expression Ayo offered Bucky. The difference was that Sam couldn't help his tongue, "Sometimes you are just fifteen flavors of awkward, Buck." He turned to Ayo conspiratorially, "Was he always this bad?"

That got the smallest smile out of her, "Sometimes worse. But it is good to meet you under calmer circumstances, Sam Wilson."

Sam grinned at that, and automatically extended his hand in a formal gesture of greeting.

Now this… this was an interesting moment, because that Doras just… they didn't shake. Perhaps if they were playing it up under cover, but it wasn't a part of how greetings were handled, particularly with one of the top-ranking Dora Milaje who was arguably still on-duty. It wasn't considered an outright offensive gesture, certainly, it was just a very Western greeting that necessitated the Dora remove her spear from her hand to receive it, which -

Ayo calmly regarded Sam, and before his friend could even process that his well-intentioned greeting wasn't up to Wakandan code, Ayo smoothly pivoted her spear to her offhand and used her free hand to reach past Sam's proffered hand, clasping his forearm in a single firm shake before quickly returning her spear to her right hand.

Sam was utterly oblivious to why this gesture was honestly a very big deal, but Bucky sat there looking dumbfounded as his mind scrambled to figure out what exactly had just happened. Had Wakanda being more open to the rest of the world changed things? Or the Decimation? He leaned to the side to see if Yama'd caught it, and her shocked expression confirmed that this was definitely not a regular Ayo thing by any stretch. She actually went so far as to mouth, "Wow…" in Bucky's direction.

"It's good to finally, formally meet you too, Ayo." Sam slipped right into that charming voice of his that was as charismatic as it was genuine, "Buck said you were in-part responsible for the new wings and suit as well, so thanks for that, and more importantly, for helping him out. Means a lot to both of us."

The Dora inclined her head to him, and for the first time since, well, the first time since ever: Bucky had this strange feeling of seeing two important parts of his life just… overlap and coexist. And it was kinda beautiful. Like watching Mamma and Ch'toa sass Sam over breakfast, or AJ and Cass play with the shield, or Shuri enthusiastically overshare all about her next great innovation: there was something in connections, in people, that Bucky'd started to forget. All of this was like a strange reminder of why it was so important to fight for the important things rather than to just let them fade away like glimmers of forgotten memories.

Shuri must've caught the exchange too, because she wore one of those endearing private smiles on her face as she finally stepped over to Bucky. Now he was wondering if she'd actually held off her work for a few minutes longer in order to allow the three of them to percolate and sort some things out.

He wouldn't have put it past her.

Sam and Ayo took a few steps back to give Shuri space as she approached, "How are you feeling?" she inquired, "Are you ready for the first scan?"

Bucky took a deep breath and nodded a confirmation, "Feeling as well as can be expected, but there's no time like the present, right? How did you put it: Clarity in the purity of data?"

She smiled kindly at that, "Indeed. Here, follow me."

Bucky followed, and it was Ayo that smoothly stepped into his wake to roll the wheeled IV stand close behind him until they came to a stop about ten feet away at a grey and white examination table that had been set up as an imaging station. He pulled himself up on the table and laid down, passingly aware of the rhythmic cycling of chirps that the system made once he was settled and in position.

Sam slowly moved so he was standing a few feet away from Bucky's feet, and he stood there with his arms crossed like he was on vigil. As anxious as Bucky was deep down, there was something comforting about Sam's stalwart presence.

It wasn't like he had any passing reason to worry about the Wakandans doing anything nefarious, but in some way, he'd always found this part of his life just… too difficult to talk about outright. As if any attempt to even try would mean he'd get it all wrong, and Sam would be liable to misunderstand. The thought of getting it wrong was somehow even worse than not talking about it at all.

Now here he was: laying on a high tech table in a remote lab, about to have a genius Wakandan princess scan his brain and vitals to see what residual damage a notorious foreign power had done to him while he'd been under their control.

Yep: Sometimes seeing things first hand was definitely easier than explaining.

"We'll be doing five scans that are a minute each, with a thirty-second rest between them," Shuri instructed, "I'll let you know before we start each one, alright?"

"Ready," Bucky confirmed.

"Okay, first one starting in ten seconds."

Everyone in the room stayed silent as Shuri keyed-into her commands and let the machines run and collect their data. The silence was numbing, but Bucky did his best to try and think back to the meditation Ayo had once taught him. The details were faded now, but he remembered to close his eyes and focus on his breathing.

After the final test ran its course, Shuri spoke up again, "You can stay there or sit up, whatever's most comfortable," her attention was split, however, as her eyes were already evaluating the series of new scans as she flipped between them and the prior data she'd collected.

He knew it was unrealistic to expect her to have answers so quickly, but he could tell by her expression that she was mulling over possibilities, "...Anything... standing out?" he inquired.

She glanced over to him, as if pulled away from her thoughts just long enough to remember the owner of the scans was still present, "I'll need some time to go over them, but I think it would be helpful to supplement these conscious scans with…" she rolled her fingers vertically with a casual grace, and he picked up on the implication immediately.

With scans when he was in a less-than conscious state.

Which in this case, implied partial cryo.

Damn.

He frowned, but even as he did, he knew she wouldn't force the issue if he was unwilling, "I take it the lab version would offer a better glimpse at the data you need?"

"It would," she admitted, her voice apologetic, "The less interruptions and more controlled the environment, the better the data." She paused before adding, "It's unfortunate we need to work around your body's unique chemistry."

"You're telling me," Bucky sighed, suddenly reminded that the two of them weren't alone in the room, and that one Sam Wilson was standing a few feet away giving him that look that he'd clearly gotten lost somewhere, "Shuri can't put me under the same way they do with normal people. My body burns off even Shuri's homespun anesthesia too quickly, and we don't know if a high dose would be safe, so…"

Shuri stepped in to explain, "The best method we've found is to slow the body itself down through partial cryo."

"...Partial…?" Sam inquired, though the tone of his voice spoke to him already putting enough together.

"It's exactly what it sounds like," Bucky admitted, "Enough cold to keep me under so the drugs can do their thing and I can hit the three stages of Non-REM sleep, as well as REM itself."

"And that's important in this case, because…?" Sam drew out.

Oh. Right. He hadn't talked about this with Sam either.

"Our minds operate differently when we are asleep, particularly when we dream," Shuri offered. "In Sergeant Barne's case, we found that some of his memories are often much closer to the surface, including those that are normally repressed by HYDRA's programming."

Bucky saw fit to step in his unique brand of personal experience, "They tended to keep us on ice most of the time. When you're on ice like that, in full cryo, you don't dream. I'm guessing that was intentional, because it also meant we were forced to stay focused on the present and on-mission. Then, when the mission was complete, back into cryo we went until we were needed again. But every now and then, they'd need us for a follow-up task, and if we were compliant and didn't ask any questions, sometimes they'd strap us in and keep us locked-up overnight until they needed us the next morning. I don't know about the others, but sometimes I'd actually dream. I rarely understood anything I was seeing, but I quickly learned that if I asked about anything I saw, I'd get 'corrected' or wiped."

"...So you're saying for… for the better part of seventy years, HYDRA even kept you from something so simple as dreaming?" Sam's voice was an all-new flavor of horrified.

"I guess if you look at it that way, yeah."

"That's just awful, man," Sam declared, as if speaking for the group.

"Dreams also normally only find their way to the surface during REM sleep," Ayo offered. Her tone wasn't the least bit condescending, and it was clear she wanted to ensure Sam was able to follow what they intended to do, "It normally takes around ninety minutes to approach that mark, but Shuri has been able to control the rate in a lab environment."

And then Sam just stood there, processing as he looked back to Bucky for confirmation, "Wait, so when you take short naps, Buck, the quick ones: Were you doing that because you prefer them, or because it means you were intentionally dodging the possibility of dreaming?"

"...I think you now know the answer," Bucky offered as a half-hearted reply.

"Are you-? My god, I never even-. I thought that was just you being you. One of your quirks. I'd never even considered that was some sort of coping mechanism. Shit. You never told me."

To be honest: He'd never actually considered it an outright coping mechanism, but he supposed trying to plan his wake-up alarms and sleep schedule around the possibility of if he was willing to risk one of those nightmares on any given day, well… he acknowledge that probably wasn't how most other people lived, but then most other people didn't have to live through what he had either.

"I've got a system that works well enough," his voice wasn't even convincing to himself, so he wasn't sure how on-earth it was supposed to convince Sam.

The expression on Sam's face was sympathetic as he shook his head, but he wasn't inclined to argue, "It...explains a lot," he offered simply. If he had something else he wanted to say, he kept it to himself.

Shuri inclined her head to Bucky, "Shall we?"

"No time like the present," he admitted as he promptly got to his feet and stepped towards the familiar cryo chamber on the far end of the room. He tried to formulate some resemblance of small talk as they approached, "I'd almost thought I might've seen the last of the inside of it."

"At least this time it will be more fleeting, and under better circumstances," she added.

Bucky didn't have to wonder at the reference. He knew well-enough that in the times when the Winter Soldier's programming was activated, sometimes one of the few things they could do with him was to put him in stasis while they worked out what to do next. They could never pull him out of that mental state while he was on ice, certainly, but he was often more compliant and less of a threat when he was coming out of a full thaw.

He ran his hand along the hem of his t-shirt at the thought of the chill that awaited him. There were certain things that were worse about partial cryo rather than full cryo. If it was a full freeze and he was all the way under, everything just… stopped, like someone pressed the pause button until he was suddenly coming out of it days, weeks, months, or even years later. A partial put him just under just enough that he'd feel his senses dampen and fade out, but not enough that the blackness swallowed him entirely, not until Shuri's cocktail of special meds kicked in, at least.

He decided not to make this a big production, and after Yama replaced the IV lines, he stepped inside the capsule without delay, leaning back and allowing his head to settle into the custom cradle they'd made for him so long ago. He was faintly aware that without his longer hair to shield the back of his neck, he felt a draft on his exposed skin.

No one said a word as Ayo secured the straps around his chest and legs that would keep him upright where he stood, and he found he didn't have the strength to meet Sam's concerned eyes just then. But he did see Ayo's. Her gaze was strong and steadfast, and while she didn't say anything out loud, her expression held a precious gift: that she permitted some of her emotions out enough for him to see.

She was worried for him, that much was clear, but there was hope there too, and he tried to focus on that as he closed his eyes and waited for what inevitably came next.

"You should be under no longer than a couple hours, if that," Shuri's voice reassured him from a few feet away. "We'll be here with you the whole time," he felt her hand take his and squeeze it reassuringly. "Yama's doing to start the infusion now, so you might feel a sting as it settles in."

A 'sting' was putting it lightly. It felt more like someone was forcing uncomfortably hot water into his veins, but he controlled his breathing and reminded himself this was nothing new, and in less than a minute, the unnatural heat would be the least of his complaints.

"How are you doing?" Shuri inquired.

"Doing fine. As enjoyable as I remember."

Yama noted, "The first dose is complete."

He could feel his system identify the foreign substance and his heart rate jumped as his body worked to neutralize it, but he was already starting to feel hazy when he was casually aware of Shuri's voice somewhere off in the distance, "Okay, we'll see you in a couple hours, James. Can you give me a count down from a hundred?"

He could hear the clear tube slide into place, muffling the sounds of the outside world.

"One hundred..."

He could hear the familiar hiss of chilled air escaping into the space around him. He kept his eyes closed as he spoke, his voice echoing within the claustrophobic chamber.

"...Ninety-nine..."

The pressure increased and he felt the temperature start to rapidly drop.

"...Ninety-eight..."

There was the familiar chitter and whine of crystals forming on the vibranium enclosure.

"...Ninety-seven…"

It hit the point where the chill overtook him and the heat in his veins was the least of his concerns. He was rapidly losing feeling in his extremities.

"...Nine-six…"

The cold's grip was so quick and deep that it penetrated right down to his bones, numbing his senses. Some part of him warned that he was on the verge of freezing to death, and he had to control the primal instincts in him that told him he should try to escape while he still could.

"...N-..."

He found himself unable to remember the word he wanted to say or who he was saying it to, but he stopped trying to fight it.

He surrendered to the quiet, to the cold and the nothingness as he did so many times before.

He willed it to take him without even knowing why.

Author's Remarks:

I worked over 78 hours last week and… I can't tell you how much it means to simply be able to sit down and do some creative writing after such a long week (without a weekend). I feel like we are turning a corner on some really meaty stuff here, and I can't wait to keep going!

I really enjoyed Bucky's attempts to not only start to reconnect with Ayo, but to (in his own way) acknowledge that she's important enough to him to warrant trying to "introduce" her to Sam and vice-versa, and that he wants to do a better job with that sort of thing than Steve did with he and Sam (...ouch… but fair point). I feel like Bucky is terribly rusty on trying to navigate nuanced social situations, so he's just… he's doing his best. He may be far from eloquent, but at least he's trying.

I also hope some of the exchanges in this chapter are offering you additional clarity as to some of the awful experiences I imagine Bucky went through while he was in HYDRA as well as during his recovery in Wakanda. Since this chapter was from Bucky's PoV, I'm hoping things are a bit more clear. :)

In any case, I hope all of you have had a wonderful week, and I can't express enough how much each and every one of your comments means to me. It really keeps my creative fires going. So just.. Thank you for keeping me company on this journey.

That said: Do you have any guesses on what Bucky might dream about?

Written to "Untethered Light," by Gisli Gunnarsson and "Night Light," by Above & Beyond.