Chapter Thirty-Nine: Relax
"Thanks for making the time to come in today," Iku-san told Ash as he sat in one of her plush office chairs. "I know it's a full day for you, sending Shun back to Tokyo and," she gestured to Ash's hand which was now bandaged in a white, temporary soft cast that would soon be replaced with a hard one, "well, I suppose you went to the doctor for that."
He raised his hand to examine it. "Yeaaah, I guess I kinda reverted back to-" he stopped himself, not wanting to use the same words Blanca had. "I lost my temper," he said instead.
"Understandably so," Iku-san said softly. "And your hand? How is it?"
"I fractured my pinky and ring finger." Ash rolled his eyes. "They asked Eiji, like, 5,000 questions, to make sure he wasn't being abused or some shit."
Sadness formed creases on Iku-san's face, "That had to hurt."
Ash shifted uncomfortably in his seat, "Yeah, but I get why they have to ask that stuff. If it helps them catch actual domestic violence, then it's worth it."
She nodded. "So, Ash, I asked you to come in today because, unfortunately, we've hit a bump in the road."
She paused as Ash stood angrily and walked towards the window. He knew this was coming.
"Just say it," he mumbled.
"Well, I'm afraid I have to recommend you seek treatment elsewhere. I have a list of other therapists for you. They all specialize in sexual trauma. I've sent patients their way in the past and it yielded positive results."
"I appreciate the offer, but I'm refusing," Ash said stubbornly as he stared into the courtyard.
"Ash, please, you must at least consider it."
He glanced at her guiltily. "Sorry," he muttered, "I guess- well, it makes sense you'd not wanna see me anymore. I brought all my shit your way."
"No, that's not it. It violates my professional code of conduct to see clients I have a personal connection to, and I'm afraid we've crossed into that territory."
Ash turned away from the window to face her. "That doesn't make any sense."
"We, as a practice, want you to receive the best care possible, and, unfortunately, a personal connection between the therapist and the client results in possible biases and informality that could hinder that care. We just want the best for you Ash."
"Well, there's no way I'm starting over with someone new. It was exhausting enough the first time, I can't go through that all again. So if you kick me out, I'm gonna stagnate. And I'm not trying to be a shit, that's the truth."
Iku-san was quiet for a moment as she battled her internal thoughts. "We will not force you to leave but Ash, please, consider it. I dated someone from your past, you'll have questions, things to say, there's no way we can continue a strictly professional relationship."
"And why the fuck does it have to be professional?" He demanded. "If it helps, it helps." He stepped across the office back to the chair beside her desk. "But I do have a bone to pick with you," he said, wagging his broken hand at her.
"See, Ash, this is exactly what I'm talking about-"
"Blanca said he got a good, long look at my file," he said grimly.
The blood drained from her face, leaving her pale. "Ash, I-"
"How the hell did you let that happen?"
"I- I- I take my work laptop home on the weekends- I guess…"
"He slept with you," Ash guessed.
Her face reddened. "No! No, he never did!" She nervously twisted her hair over one shoulder. "Ash, I'm- that's not really my thing- I have to get to know people- that's to say, I don't really-"
Ash shushed her, "You don't have to explain yourself, I just had to know. I thought maybe he used you just to snoop through your computer." He ran a hand through his hair. "What am I saying? That's exactly what he did."
The gravity of what Ash told her finally dawned on Iku-san. "He read your file?" She asked gravely.
Ash's eyes found the floor. "Yeah, he did," he said, just above a whisper.
"I'm so sorry, that should never have happened."
"I don't blame you. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. He would have found a way to view those documents even if I saw another therapist."
Ash stood and walked across the small office to the door. "Don't give away my Friday appointment. I'm not going to anyone else."
"You're leaving?"
"This isn't a legit appointment and I'm not letting you get rid of me so easily," he smirked. "There's nothing more to say."
Iku-san stood and met him at the door. "Fine," she said reluctantly. "I'll keep you, but if you stagnate or worsen, you will have to see someone else," she insisted.
Forgetting about his soft cast, he extended his right hand and then awkwardly drew it back to himself. "Deal," he said. "But that's not gonna happen." He walked out the door. [Later!]
Once the brave mask he wore before Iku-san fell, Ash was a bundle of nerves on the drive home. He couldn't get over the feeling that Blanca was following them in a nearby car. His eyes danced between the road and the rearview mirror, constantly checking the interiors of other cars, searching for him, expecting to see Blanca staring back at him.
"Ash! Slow down!" Eiji shouted as Ash, distracted by a black car in the rearview, failed to notice the car in front of them had stopped to turn.
Ash slammed on the breaks, stopping just in time. Eiji's hand instinctively gripped the door handle to steady himself. If Eiji hadn't yelled when he did, they'd have collided for sure. The angry driver behind them, who honked at Ash's sudden stop, was most certainly not Blanca.
Ash pulled into the nearest parking lot and shifted the car into park. The second he removed the firm grip of his unbroken hand from the wheel, the shaking was undeniable. Ash unbuckled and abandoned the driver's seat.
"Switch with me," he said to Eiji, deciding he was not currently fit to drive.
Eiji slipped into the driver's seat without a word of argument.
Eiji took the long route home, driving slowly through beautiful neighborhoods they didn't normally pass. Just as he hoped, the longer drive helped calm Ash.
"Let me help you relax?" Eiji asked as they stepped out of the car upon their return home.
The phrasing of that question sent Ash's mind reeling. He remembered those words, though slightly altered, coming out of Dino's mouth.
After a particularly long day, Dino would request that Ash helped him "relax."
"And none of your bullshit or whining," he'd say, "Got it? Be a good boy."
And Ash would, because it was so much easier than any alternative, to just blow Dino as he lazily leaned back on the sofa, eyes closed, while he sipped wine and listened to records of French women singing in a way that drove Ash absolutely mad. He hated it, but it was a thousand times better than other things.
Ash wanted to ask Eiji what he meant by those words, but he chose not to. He trusted him and he knew Eiji's definition of a relaxing evening was likely the polar opposite of Dino's.
Ash's suspicions were correct. Eiji's definition of a relaxing evening involved him cooking the two of them a hot meal which they both enjoyed in front of an episode of their guilty pleasure TV show, Secrets of Shinjuku. After dinner, Eiji made some of the tea Obachan gifted Ash, lit a few candles, and turned on some music that Eiji called Lo-fi and Ash called the soundtrack of a hipster coffee shop. In the dim light, which was arguably bad for their eyes, they read and sipped tea under the warmth of a blanket big enough for two. They laid side by side on the sofa, their feet by the other's head as they squeezed onto the same three cushions, even though it was big enough to spread out.
Ash still hadn't told Eiji what Blanca had said to him and Eiji had not asked again since the day prior when Ash had almost lost his temper with him. He didn't yet have the mental energy to recount the events but in time, he would. Ash appreciated Eiji giving him space on this.
"You did it again," Ash said, breaking the quiet filled only by turning pages and gentle music.
Eiji's eyes lingered on his book as his head lifted. After he finished the sentence he was on, his eyes finally broke free from the page as he said, "Huh?"
"You rewrote a bad memory without even trying."
"Did I?" Eiji asked with a soft smile, followed by an adorably sleepy yawn.
Ash nodded. "I like your definition of a relaxing evening much better than Dino's."
Ash placed an actual bookmark in For Whom The Bell Tolls, rather than simply folding the page's corner. That would be simply disrespectful to the beautiful set from Aki.
"I won't lie, your words made me kinda nervous earlier," Ash said vulnerably.
"What did I say?" Eiji asked.
The words were significant to Ash, but to Eiji they were just words.
"You said, 'let me help you relax,'" recalled. "When Dino said those words it meant a night of old French records and my mouth on his..." he abandoned the sentence. "But at least I could make him c-" he altered his words again upon seeing Eiji's dismal expression, "At least it was over quickly." He sipped his tea. "But your music is much nicer and your food and drink are much sweeter than anything Dino forced down my throat."
"Ash," Eiji whispered sympathetically.
"Sorry."
Eiji shook his head, "No, don't apologize, it's fine. I'm just sad for you, that's all."
"Don't be. I only said it so you could understand how much I appreciate," he used his hands to gesture towards the atmosphere Eiji had created, "this."
"You deserve the best," Eiji replied sweetly.
"I already have the best, thanks to you."
Eiji couldn't restrain the grin that spread across his face as his cheeks pinkened. "Want me to rewrite that final bit?" he asked, letting his eyes drop suggestively before returning to Ash's eyes.
Ash shook his head, "Nah, thanks, but no. Leaving it out is far more powerful. I know you love me even without that."
If Eiji was disappointed, he didn't let it show. He set down his book, pages pressing into the floor, and crawled up towards Ash's head. The two maneuvered so that Eiji's head was nestled into the crook of Ash's arm, his ear pressing against the side of his chest. "Will you read to me?" Eiji asked with a loving smile.
"I'm already halfway through," Ash replied with a soft smile of his own.
"I know."
"It won't make much sense."
Eiji shook his head, causing his hair to tickle Ash's arm. "I don't care."
"No?" He asked amusedly.
"Mmm-mm," he shook his head again and let out a small yawn. "I just like listening to you read."
Ash smiled and stroked his hair with his non-broken hand. It was just as he'd told Eiji, he already had the best.
Ash wished he had a third hand as he removed his good hand from Eiji's hair to hold open his book. He cleared his throat and began to read. Each word sent the most beautiful vibrations through Eiji as his head laid on Ash's chest. Although his voice was calm and soothing, he read with expression, giving a unique voice to each character.
Eiji frowned sadly as he remembered what Miyuki said about how Ash would make a good dad. He imagined him reading to their kids, bringing vibrant life to each character with his voice. He imagined their kids; both with dark hair and skin closer to Eiji's complexion, but with contrasting personalities that mirrored that of their parents. One, taking after Ash, would perhaps have a more difficult time sitting still, but that didn't mean he was any less invested in the story. He'd climb up and down Ash as he read to them, maybe trying to turn the pages, or pointing to illustrations that caught his eye. And the other, perhaps taking after Eiji, would sit contently in Ash's lap, a little less interested in the book, but very happy all the same. Eiji would snap a few pictures discreetly across the room, reveling in his beautiful family. Maybe there'd even be a dog or cat curled up on a nearby chair. Eventually, the kids would doze off and Ash and Eiji would try their best to move them to their beds without waking them. And then they'd escape to their own room and wonder what life would be like when their third child arrived.
Eiji's arms tightened around Ash's waist. He couldn't stop the tears that rolled out silently from his glossy eyes. The first few went unnoticed as Ash, enthralled in Hemingway, continued to read. However, it wasn't long until his t-shirt became wet. He glanced down to find Eiji's eyelashes clumped together with fallen tears. He immediately set the book down, not even bothering to bookmark his page. He began to rub Eiji's back.
"Eiji?" He asked, his voice laced with a combination of compassion and confusion. "What's wrong, love?"
'You'd make such a great dad. I want to have kids with you. I want to love you forever. I never want a single bad thing to ever happen to you again. I want you to be able to forget Dino and everyone else who hurt you. I want you to tell me what Blanca said. I want your hand to feel better. I want to travel back in time and save you from everyone who ever hurt you. I want to snatch seven-year-old Ash out of Cape Cod and protect him from all the evil of this world-to give you a normal life full of love and compassion. I want you to be happy. I want to love you. Forever.'
Eiji, although bursting with thoughts, simply whispered, "I love you so much."
"But those don't look like happy tears," Ash stated intuitively.
"No," Eiji whispered through more tears.
"Then why? Why are you crying, sweet Eiji?"
"Because the world has been so mean to you and you never deserved an ounce of it. Why would they try so hard to break such a perfect boy?" Eiji wondered, through closed eyes dripping with tears.
Ash frowned, "Cuz they're sick, Eiji, they're fuckin' sick," he said softly, almost numbly. "A lot of them were abused once and they chose to continue the cycle. And not everyone has an Eiji to love them and set them straight."
"That's not an excuse! You were tormented for years and you've never hurt a soul!" Eiji argued, lifting his head to see Ash as he spoke enthusiastically.
"I've hurt plenty. Killed plenty. Don't forget that. I'm no saint."
Eiji sat, causing the blanket wrapped around them both to slip down his torso. "But not the way they did! The people you killed deserved it."
"Even Shorter?" Ash had the nerve to ask. They hardly talked about that. It was far too painful for them both.
Eiji's eyebrows knitted together. "You didn't kill Shorter," he said sternly. "Golzine killed Shorter."
"I killed Shorter, Eiji."
"No! Golzine destroyed him. You did what you had to. You set him free. He was not the same man you knew by the time you saw him. Dino made sure of that."
Eiji was right, Ash knew Eiji was right, but he still felt responsible.
"Sshhhh," Ash cooed, "It's alright, it's over."
"No! No, it's not alright and it's not over."
Ash knew he was thinking of Blanca, wondering what he'd said to Ash to upset him so much.
"Blanca came to extend an olive branch," Ash said finally.
"What?" Eiji asked with pure confusion as the English phrase flew over his head.
"He came to apologize," Ash clarified.
Eiji stood angrily. "Oh, fuck him!" He spat aggressively. "What a piece of shit!" He ran a hand through his hair and Ash had to dig his fingernails into his leg to stop from smirking at Eiji's righteous rage. "How DARE he! He has no right! NONE! He scared the shit out of everyone, great start to an apology!" [What the fuck?!]
Suddenly, as Eiji continued his outrage, spewing whatever came to mind, Ash stood. He bunched his hands into Eiji's shirt and pulled him into a wild kiss. He caught Eiji completely off guard. They stumbled backward a few paces, but Ash steadied them, keeping them from falling. It was over almost as soon as it began. After mere seconds, Ash was pulling back to see the startled Eiji he left in his wake.
"Thanks. For your rage," Ash said breathlessly, answering the unspoken question between them.
Eiji looked puzzled, as if he couldn't comprehend reacting any differently. "What else could I possibly feel?"
Pity. He could have felt pity. Or a mix of anger and sorrow, like Aki. But he didn't. He harbored no rage, it was all out in the open.
Ash kissed him again, he couldn't help it. It was passionate and full of desire.
"I think I've changed my mind," he broke away to whisper in Eiji's ear. He nipped at his earlobe, sending shivers through Eiji.
"Y-Yeah?" Eiji breathed.
"Mmmm," Ash pressed more kisses to his jaw and throat. "I'd like to make love to you, if you're still willing."
"I thought you said it was more powerful without all that," Eiji teased.
"It is. But this is different. Besides, I love you and I'm weak."
Eiji grinned and pressed his lips sweetly to Ash's. "Say no more."
And then they were lost in each other.