Winter of the White Wolf
Chapter 25 - Specific Gravity
Upon closer examination, Sam was rapidly realizing that the closest thing he'd seen to actual "cryo" was that scene in the Empire Strikes Back where Han was frozen solid in a block of carbonite.
The comparison was a stretch, but it was the closest thing he had. Of course, that was a movie, though it seemed like with each passing year, there was less and less of a difference between certain films and their present reality.
When had his life gotten so weird?
Even though he'd read about how Steve spent years as a capsicle and had later learned how his childhood best friend was no stranger to being on ice: This… this process on display in front of him was truly awful to see firsthand.
Sure: there was a part of him that was morbidly curious about how stuff like this worked because… wasn't everyone? It was human nature to wonder if what you pictured in your head was at all close to the real thing.
But in this case? The greater part of Sam swiftly realized that while he was genuinely glad to be able to be here for Bucky in spirit, he'd also be carrying uncomfortable thoughts and mental images of all this around for a long, long time to come. He'd have very much preferred to keep on imagining it like the block of carbonite and leave it like that.
The acoustics of the room were alive like the inside of a hospital's intensive care unit, complete with an assortment of ticks and beeps that kept pace with the passing of time like a grandfather clock that was running slow. It didn't have the same astringent smell of the medical labs he knew, but the sound of the oxygenated air pumping into Bucky's capsule reminded him a bit too much of the pitch of the life support machines that moved air in and out of a patient's lungs when they were no longer capable of breathing for themselves.
Behind the cryo chamber's frosted panel, his friend's face and exposed skin were pale. Not pale-grey like a corpse, but too-light and twinged a sickly blue around his lips, nose, eyes, and fingers, like he was already deep in the process of actively freezing to death. Though his eyes remained closed, now and then his fingers and eyes would twitch reflexively, like some twisted version of cadaveric spasms. Or how a fish out of water would tremble and finally settle after its body was nearly ready to give up the fight.
A pair of grey fabric restraints crossed his chest and and just above his knees like seatbelts keeping his body upright and in place during his medically-induced slumber, but Sam was keenly aware of the other restraints that weren't being used. Unlike their cloth counterparts, those open restraints gleamed a deep vibranium ebony, and were laid out like a trail of telling constellations around Bucky's ankles, legs, waist, arms, and wrists.
He didn't need to ask why they'd seen fit to install those.
At a glance, you really couldn't tell the pale figure inside was alive at all, though the readouts nearby continued to show he had a slow but shallow pulse and what Shuri insisted from nearby, was an oxygen saturation was on-par for this type of procedure. She was so focused on monitoring data from the tests that she'd reverted back to her genius-speak, and Sam thought it best for Bucky's sake to not to interrupt her further.
But saying the 'oxygen saturation was on-par for this type of procedure?' The clinical way she said that and more made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end: nothing about this was remotely standard, and he was finding it very, very difficult to quiet his years of paramedic training that were screaming at him to do something, to intervene, because the man in the tube there, his partner, was clearly on the verge of death.
The struggle must have shown on his face, because Ayo spoke up from beside him, "Partial cryo is harder on him than full cryo, but everything is stable."
He broke eye contact from searching for signs of life in Bucky's still form long enough to glance to Ayo and back. He didn't want to risk looking away from his friend for too long, even though it pained him to see him in this state. It felt like being on a death vigil. The logical part of him knew that watching him suffer did nothing, but it felt like if he looked away for too long, his friend might slip away entirely, "Man, I know you're trying to make me feel better, well not better, but you know what I mean, but… I'm just not used to seeing him like this. It's downright unnatural."
He still wasn't entirely sure what to make of Ayo, though Bucky's attempt at a belated introduction had at least been an ice-breaker of sorts. It was just like… it was like trying to hold a conversation with a tiger when you'd seen firsthand that they were perfectly capable of splitting an antelope in two with those same jaws that were able to gingerly lift a cub without a scratch.
He'd seen her fight. He'd seen her lay waste to Outriders in quick, expert movements of deadly force like they were overgrown puppy dogs. He'd even gotten a firsthand look at the simmering ferocity in her when she came something close to losing her temper with Bucky.
But up until the last hour or so: he'd never actually seen a hint of that other side of her Bucky must've connected with. It humanized her in a peculiar way, but it also made him ever-more aware of the gap of history between them: Both worldly history on account of the Decimation, as well as the firsthand experience she and the women here had with Bucky while he was recovering.
There weren't many people that were still alive that had seen what he'd been capable of doing with the right motivation from HYDRA, and Sam was suddenly very acutely aware he was standing next to one of them. Maybe more. And if they'd seen anything, then they'd also seen completely different things from what he had.
Six of Bucky's artificially slowed heartbeats played on the monitor before he spoke again, "So this is what it was like? Back then?"
Another two beats passed, "At times," Ayo admitted, the words rolling off her tongue with measured care. She kept her eyes forward to the frosted glass as she spoke, "We had to develop many new procedures because things were not so straight-forward as we hoped. We were bold to assume that our country's advanced technologies would swiftly quiet and remove the dated programming that was initially placed in Sergeant Barnes by HYDRA. But there were many, many additional layers of programming and conditioning that were added or modified in the years after, like the toxic threads of spider's web. All of us underestimated the traps that awaited us." She shifted her weight to her other side, "That is not to say that there were not periods that were calm, fruitful, and productive. But others were…"
The silence hung long enough that Yama sought to fill it, "Painful. Disheartening." Sam had almost forgotten the other Dora was there for a moment, and when he turned in her direction, he saw compassion in her eyes, and that she stood facing the capsule in silent vigil as well.
"I take it all of you worked with Buck?"
He saw the corners of Ayo's mouth tighten at that question, and he immediately recognized the gravity close beneath the surface. "We did. And others. Not all were as lucky to survive both the War for Wakanda and the War for Earth."
That stilled Sam's incessant need to ask questions.
"You are not wrong to ask," Ayo added quickly, her voice steady and without reprimand, though she kept her eyes forward on Bucky's pale form, "Wakanda was not the only nation to lose sisters and brothers while defending the world we hold dear."
At this, Nomble summoned her voice from a few feet behind Shuri, "But he did not return to Wakanda to mourn with us. To mourn those that bled for him." Her voice had a fresh layer of emotion Sam hadn't ever heard from Nomble previously, "I sent him messages-"
Ayo turned to Nomble and made a *ssht!* sound with her lips to silence her lieutenant, and even Shuri momentarily raised her head to regard the exchange between the two Doras.
It was Ayo that spoke next, her voice measured, clear, but without heavy reproach, "There is not one language for grief. And the dead would not have us raise ire with one another in how we each chose to mourn their passing."
Sam frowned: he hadn't even considered the possibility that Bucky's decision to hide away his Kimoyo beads might have meant he missed out on funerals of people he knew here. The thought of that… it was not a great thought. Did he even know?
Ayo kept her attention focused on Nomble for a moment longer before her gaze returned to Sam, not that he had anything he felt inclined to add after that revelation. She spoke in measured tones, "But yes, all of us worked closely with James during his time in Wakanda."
"Ayo most of all," Shuri interjected. Apparently the genius was capable of multitasking well-enough to join the conversation if the need arose.
The warrior sent Shuri a message with just her eyes that Sam couldn't get an exact read on, but Shuri shrugged it off easily, as if she had long-since grown invulnerable to Ayo's expressions, "It's true." She waved a slender finger in their direction, though the princess kept her attention focused on the ever changing display of colorful readouts in front of her, "Times were trying, yes. Testing, yes. But not always so dire."
Shuri looked up from her holographic display long enough to offer Ayo a casual tilt of her head that had more than a bit of unspoken history wrapped up in it. The expression reminded Sam of the sort of look Sarah gave him when she was trying to get the last word, "If memory serves, James was also one of the few people who could, on occasion, even make our esteemed security chief laugh."
That got a reaction. The Dora in question immediately shot Shuri a look of warning, but the princess was already head-down in her work and casually shrugged, as if she knew the daggers that were being sent her way.
Shuri could say what she liked, but Sam definitely couldn't imagine Ayo laughing.
The princess shucked off Ayo's annoyance and saw fit to add, "Feigning he was merely a project serves no purpose if we wish to help him and bridge the gaps between us."
"He was never a project," Ayo's words were steadfast, but also a tactical dodge.
"Not to us, but to some he was," Shuri gently corrected. "There were those that sought to stop our work when they felt the risks to Wakanda outweighed the value of one life."
Even Ayo stilled at that, and Sam could feel Shuri's statement settle in the room amid the artificially slow rhythm of his friend's strained heartbeats.
"Wait," Sam's voice didn't feel nearly so steady as he considered the possibility, "You're saying some people in Wakanda wanted to just… what? Give up?"
Shuri's eyes went back to Sam's with that familiar look of sympathy where it seemed she wished she could make him understand through will alone, "Some in Wakanda, as well as James himself. There was talk of putting him under cryo in perpetuity, or until at such time there was a certain cure."
That stilled Sam.
Shuri continued, "It isn't with pride that I share the shame of those sentiments, but it doesn't make them any less true," Sam got the distinct impression her words were meant for not just him, but the other women as well.
He regarded his friend's pale, emotionless face, and though it hurt, he found he could at least grasp the concept after a certain point. That the people of Wakanda would have had every right to question the need for them to follow through helping this outsider, but Bucky? What could have gotten him to the point where that option would have been desirable over seeking out some other cure?
Oh… if he… oh... ...Oh god...
Sam's face contorted and he licked his lips before he spoke, "...Did...he…?" Sam's voice began unsteadily.
Had he killed people here?
Shuri immediately caught the subtext of his question, "No. He didn't," she stated simply and without delay. "But he came very, very close on more than one occasion when he was not himself." Just her eyes moved off her readout to Ayo, and Sam read the exchange loud and clear. Bucky hadn't explicitly told him he'd apparently nearly killed Ayo, but his prior apology for her getting "the brunt of it" suddenly made a lot more sense in context.
Ayo didn't take her steadfast gaze off Bucky's semi-frozen form, but the empathy in Shuri's expression said everything he needed to know. It hadn't just been a close call or brush with death: Apparently he'd nearly finished the job.
And yet… here she was: continuing to help the man that'd apparently gone full Winter Soldier on her, probably on more than one occasion.
The knot in his stomach prompted him to break the uncomfortable silence, "For what it's worth: I've been on the other side of that in my own way. Multiple times. It's ugly."
Ayo didn't turn her head, but her eyes briefly flicked to his and back. She said nothing. He got the distinct impression it wasn't personal, but she was doin' that same thing Buck did when he pushed the uncomfortable stuff deep, deep down.
Shuri's attention returned to Sam, "I do not know what James has told you, but what we did didn't come without great personal risk to all involved. As someone who has faced similar risks firsthand, I suspect you know how it can change you. How it can mold the relationships with those around you."
"I do," Sam admitted. And he did.
"Then know this: I care for him in a way that I have for few people I've known, and none outside of Wakanda. I will do everything in my power to help him in whatever ways I can, regardless of what isidenge decisions he's made these last few months. But also know that I cannot guarantee any outcomes, or that he will get better rather than worse. What the four of us have seen but perhaps not spoken aloud is that the path of his recovery has been winding as the marula tree and fraught with deadly risks as well as setbacks. And I cannot in any good conscience tell you that we should not brace for more of the same. I say this not to deter you, because I feel certain you are a good man and that you intend to stay by Jame's side through the trials ahead, but because I do not know if even James himself is fully aware of the cruel toll it takes on those around him. How could he?"
He let himself sit with Shuri's words as he glanced at Bucky's eerie blue-tinged face and listened to the artificially slow beats of his friend's heart over the nearby monitors. "I don't know if I can speak for him, not really, but I think in his own way he's painfully aware of the toll it took. Man has a ways to go in sorting out his worth as a person, but it's pretty clear to me he was and still is worried he's a burden. I think I'm beginning to understand why, even though it's no reflection on any of you."
Four more slow beats of Bucky's heart broadcast through the room before Sam found his voice again and felt his expression tighten in renewed concern, "When you say we might need to brace for more of the same, what are you worried could happen?"
The genius pursed her lips as she regarded him, but took her time before answering him candidly, "That in the pursuit of the myth of perfection, of flawless healing, that even with the best intentions: we could inadvertently make things worse." She waved a hand at where Bucky was still propped up, standing stationary in partial cryo, "Not from the scans, certainly, but from whatever comes next, should he choose to pursue it."
Sam felt his stomach twist and sink, "I take it you've found something?"
Shuri inclined her head, "I have more data I need to collect and want to spend some time focused on cross-comparing the scan data from the last two and a half - or seven and a half years depending on how you want to calculate it - but… yes. There are initial correlations and trends between the scans that could be cause for concern."
Her eyes lifted to Ayo, but the Dora Milaje stayed facing the cryo chamber. Shuri looked back to Sam and he felt the weight of her gaze, "And I say this as a friend, as someone that cares for him, that whatever decisions he makes will be his alone and with as much transparency as I have to offer, but that he will look to those he trusts for guidance, so do not underestimate the impact of your history and words."
The room fell into a hospital's strained ambiance again, and Sam found Ayo's deep brown eyes regarding him with a very particular sort of expression that he wasn't sure he was capable of parsing. He felt frustratingly incapable of transcoding whatever she was thinking unless she opened herself up to it intentionally. Which… apparently she wasn't presently finding herself inclined to do.
He couldn't blame her: He was scared too.
Sam didn't think it was his place to pry, so he posed another question to the assembled women that he'd always wondered, but mostly to Ayo, "I remember Steve once telling me that the serum amplifies everything that's inside. So good becomes great. Bad becomes worse. The whole deal."
Ayo was listening.
He pushed his voice to continue before he lost his nerve, "It sounds like you saw a lot of sides of Buck over the years. Some I'm sure he isn't proud of, but I get the impression there were good times too. I was just curious if you ever… if the question ever crossed your mind, on what you thought HYDRA's off-brand serum amplified for him, if it hypothetically amplified anything at all?"
Though she kept her attention focused on her readouts, Shuri's voice was first to respond. There was a little warmth in her tone and expression as she spoke, as if this was certainly not the first time the topic had been broached among them, "We discussed it here and there. Just a theory, certainly," she used her nearest hand to make a quick gesture to Ayo, acknowledging the woman as the originator of the theory in question.
The Dora Milaje regarded Sam intently, as if she was choosing her words carefully. Her eyes were steady, but had the weight of someone who was not used to speaking private things aloud. For a moment, Sam was actually reminded of, of all people: Bucky. "Because of the amount of time we spent together and the many sides of James I saw, I did see patterns in the twisting sands."
Two artificially slow heartbeats passed before she continued, "I don't know if he has spoken to you of Azzano, but that is his story to tell, not mine. But were I to venture a guess? I suspect HYDRA hoped for another Steve Rogers. That they might produce a strong American soldier they could bend to their will. Instead, they unwittingly chose someone they could never fully control, because I believe one of James Barne's most fundamental, basic instincts is to protect."
Sam thought he was following well enough before that last word, "So you're saying you think the serum amplified his desire to protect. What? People?"
Ayo nodded, "Or causes HYDRA manipulated him into believing in. But yes."
To Protect? That… Sam would have to ruminate on that one.
He thought of the Winter Soldier breaking through his own programming enough to rescue Steve Rogers from drowning and ensure he got help. And apparently thereafter: even though he didn't really remember Steve, to stick around nearby long enough to make sure he made a full recovery.
Wait… had there... been more to that story Bucky'd glossed over beyond the fact he'd apparently 'observed them through the business end of a sniper rifle most nights?'
The pale, half-frozen face in front of him wasn't available for inquiries, not right then, but it made Sam wonder.
He thought about how when the man had first learned of the threat of the Flag Smashers, that his first instinct was to insist he was coming along with Sam. (Comparatively: Sam had reflected more than once after the fact that he had been too stubborn about his own perceived self-sufficiency that he hadn't even considered the possibility Bucky would have been willing to literally jump out a goddamn plane without a parachute to join the mission. At the time, it seemed amusing enough, but in the context of hindsight? He remembered how Steve had said he'd believed Bucky had fallen to his death off a train into a ravine during one of his nine lives, so yeah: Sam'd accepted the asshole-level of sensitivity points he'd earned in spades on that charming exchange in the skies above Munich).
Now Sam was wondering if he'd unconsciously done it as a power play because he didn't think Bucky would actually make the jump, or because he hoped he would, and that somehow the act of that horrifying freefall might remind him of when he, well, not Bucky, but when the Winter Soldier had torn off one of his wings and hurled his ass head over tail from the side of a helicarrier.
Either way you skinned it: It was not a proud moment in the early stages of their blossoming friendship.
And yet once they were on the move on the ground: Bucky'd just brushed it off. Swallowed that whole thing down like it didn't matter in the grand scheme because the two of them had work to do.
Damn.
Beyond that? It was clear (as damnably frustrating as it was at the time) that Bucky'd tempered his own strength when he fought the Flag Smashers. Probably because he didn't know what they were about and didn't want to risk hurting them.
He'd protected Isaiah Bradley's secret, hadn't he?
Even his willingness to sacrifice his own relationship with the Wakandans in the hopes he could keep the serum from falling into the wrong hands and hurting people.
And that didn't even begin to cover all the ways Bucky made it a point to protect Sam. To put himself between him and harm's way, regardless of whether or not the stubborn super soldier was wearing even so much as a bulletproof vest at the time.
It was easy to see Bucky in so many lights, especially the ones that placed him as a victim in his own story, but the more he thought about it, the more examples he came up with of the subtle, or sometimes not-so-subtle ways one James Buchanan Barnes went out of his way to put other people before his own well-being.
So yeah, Ayo had a remarkably solid hypothesis there.
Damn.
The whole thing just made him wonder if this was what he'd seen, then what had the Wakandans witnessed here to even strike up their passing hypothesis?
He wasn't sure how long Ayo'd been looking at him, but when her voice broke the silence, Sam looked from Bucky's still form back to her, "Did you see any similar indications, or do you have your own theory?" Ayo asked, apparently curious for Sam's unique perspective.
"Honestly now that you mention it, your theory follows better than most I've ever had," he admitted, "But in the grand scheme, you have years of history, whereas my friendship with him is technically only a few months out from a profoundly ugly duckling stage."
Ayo shifted her weight as she considered his words. He was certain they were meant for him, specifically, "While I maintain… frustrations… regarding a number of decisions from those same months, I find myself... relieved to learn James did not lose himself during them entirely, and that they were apparently not void of joy and companionship."
It was a compliment. It was an awkward compliment, but Sam was certain it was still Ayo's version of a compliment.
He shifted his body so he could get a better look at her as she stood guard, turned half to Sam and half to their shared vigil over Bucky's chamber. And as the slow rhythm of Bucky's heartbeats played out over the room, they regarded one another. It wasn't a staring contest. Or even that soul gazing therapy Doctor Raynor'd gone on about.
It wasn't uncomfortable, and it didn't make Sam want to break his eyes away. It was like the both of them had questions and concerns, and a variable well of unsung emotions about Bucky's tumultuous past, present, and future, but they'd recognized they might've actually found someone else who understood.
That right there was powerful medicine.
Sam kept his eyes on hers as he summoned his voice, "For what it's worth: I'm miles past the point of realizing that the fact I have him as a partner at all is due in no small part to all of you."
He made it a point to turn his attention to Nomble, "And everyone else who ever saw fit to offer help."
His gaze lifted to Yama, then to Shuri, then back to Ayo, "So thanks for that. And feel free to sign me up for whatever you need to help Buck and this fine black sisterhood of yours."
It wasn't anything close to a laugh, but the last bit actually managed to get just a hint of a smile out of Wakanda's Chief of Security.
As far as Sam was concerned? If no other drop of good came from this late afternoon: he'd take the win.
Author's Remarks:
* Isidenge - Wakandan Translation: Stupid, foolish or idiotic
I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It felt really good having these folks finally able to have some extended conversations with one another after having pretty much nothing of note in the MCU or the series itself.
Beyond the fact that the scans unfortunately haven't revealed particularly promising news, today we learned that:
- One of the reasons Nomble hasn't been super chatty is… Bucky apparently missed one or more Wakandan funerals after the Battle of Earth (oof!).
- After some particularly rough times with Bucky going "The Winter Soldier" in Wakanda, some people desired to stop trying to "help" Bucky due to the continued risks, and apparently even Bucky initially agreed with them (Though these four did not. It was very fortuitous that the chief of security and a member of the royal family continued to want to fight for Bucky, even after he'd given up hope of anything better).
- Shuri cares a lot about Bucky, but is quick to point out that Ayo has an even stronger relationship with him (whether she currently wants to admit it or not. Right now: She's probably a little ashamed, seeing as ...Bucky… Zemo… Madripoor...).
- The Wakandans, and particularly Ayo, seem to have a theory on what aspect(s) of Bucky the serum amplified, but haven't offered any concrete examples as to where that theory originated.
- Sam's apparently gone and joined a sisterhood.
- Bucky may currently be a human popsicle, but he has a great deal of steadfast support in whatever's to come, regardless of if he feels like a burden.
And now, we return to another round of Bucky's dreams… Do you have any guesses/hopes/fears for this next one?...
As always, thank you so, so much for your comments and support. It is truly a wonderful thing to know I have long-distance company on this strange journey during these long hours of writing and editing. :) So just: Thank you. This little community is the best! ❤︎
Written mostly to "Home Truths" by Henry Jackman, on the Falcon and the Winter Soldier" Vol. 2 Soundtrack.