Chapter Forty-Three: Torment Beyond Your Years

"So…" Eiji studied the calendar on the table in front of him. "Miyuki graduates March 23rd...and we'll probably have a big party for her that weekend or maybe the next...and sakura season lasts about two weeks...the first two weeks of April...so," he flipped the calendar to April, "that leaves either this weekend or the next one. The first weekend will likely have better sakura blossoms, but the second will probably be warmer. Personally, I'll take cooler weather if it means better sakura blossoms."

"Yeah, I agree. Spring is so fickle it may end up being warmer or just as warm the first weekend anyway. Or it might rain on us. But I'm trying not to think about that," Ash replied.

Eiji nodded. "Okay.." he scrolled on the laptop beside him. "They've got some availabilities on Friday and Saturday so it's up to us, I guess. Have a preference?" Eiji asked as he looked at the wedding venue's website.

"Saturday. No one wants to go to a wedding on a Friday night after work," Ash replied, putting himself in the shoes of their guests.

Eiji nodded in agreement. "So, should I book it?"

"Go for it." He took a deep breath. "Holy shit, it's really happening," he muttered as he watched Eiji book the venue.

"Done!" Eiji chirped happily, unintentionally waking Buddy who was sitting in his lap.

The dog yawned, stood and turned a few circles in his lap, and then resumed his nap. It took everything in Eiji not to squeal with joy.

"Wow, you two are too cute," Ash said with a sappy smile.

"You should see yourself holding him," Eiji remarked. "It's hard to handle how cute it is."

Ash smiled and stood, stretching sleepily as he did so. "I sent a picture of him to Max," Ash told Eiji. He walked to the sink and grabbed himself a glass of water. "Water?" Ash asked Eiji over his shoulder.

"Nah, thanks though. What did Max say?"

"He said I brought on a wave of 'dad guilt.' Apparently, Michael's been begging for a dog but their apartment complex doesn't allow dogs...or at least that's what he told Michael."

Eiji scowled. "What's he got against dogs?"

Ash shrugged, "Nothing, they're just a lot of work. He says he's waiting until Michael's old enough to help take care of it."

"I guess that's fair," Eiji replied, though he was still scowling. He absentmindedly started petting Buddy. "My legs are going numb," he told Ash as he returned to the table with a glass of water.

"You need the sling," he said with a mischievous smirk.

Eiji gave him the stink eye. He knew Ash was right, but he also knew it had the potential of creating a very needy dog down the road.

"Dogs grow fast. You should use it while you can."

Eiji rolled his eyes. "Oh, alright," he conceded with a smile.

Ash fetched him the sling and scooped the sleepy puppy from his lap so Eiji could fasten it around himself. Ash rocked the dog in his arms like one would an actual sleeping baby. Once the sling was secured, he returned Buddy to Eiji's arms.

"Have you ever actually held a baby, Ash?"

"Not a baby baby, no. But I have held young kids before."

"Like Michael?"

"Yeah, and…" a sadness washed over him, "...well, and the occasional kid at the club. And sometimes Skip, after he had a nightmare." He sipped his water and broke away from Eiji's concerned eyes. "I, uh, hated touch back then but...when a literal child wakes up screaming in terror because his nightmares are so real...well, you do whatever you can to comfort him, even if it's not your thing."

"And the kids at the club?"

"It was rare. Most hated being touched, obviously. But sometimes, the youngest ones needed someone to hold them while they cried...or…"

Eiji leaned forward with concerned interest. "What?"

"Well...you don't let a kid die all alone," he said numbly.

Eiji's eyes widened in horror. "Fuck," he whispered.

Ash grimaced. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"What else do you keep buried inside? How much haven't you told me?"

"Loads, Eiji, but all for good reason. The world is sick, you don't need to know it all. I don't want you to."

"Ash! That's not fair! You can tell me anything!" Eiji said passionately. Buddy woke and jumped down from Eiji's lap, retreating to his bed in the living room.

"Not fair?"

"Not fair to you! You deserve-"

"I talk about it in therapy, don't worry, it's working its way out. I mean, otherwise I couldn't have calmly told you that. Thank you for the concern, though. There are some things I just can't bring myself to tell you…at least not yet." Ash sighed. "Sorry, I hope you can understand."

Eiji shook his head, "You don't have to tell me anything...as long as you have an outlet."

Ash nodded.

Yet he couldn't stop himself from asking, "You watched...held other kids as they…"

"Died, yes," Ash finished for him. "If you're not one of Dino's favorites, he doesn't care if you get sick or how rough the fuckin' customers treat you. And a five-year-old can only handle so much before their body breaks. Children are disposable to them. It's disgusting, Eiji."

Ash downed the remainder of his water and slapped his hands on the table. "So," he began in an attempt to change the subject. "Who should be privileged enough to be on our guest list?" His voice was light and full of jest.

Eiji stared sadly at him in disbelief at the sudden change in demeanor. It was like watching a quick change only the costume was an entire persona.

"I'm fine, Eiji, really," he said reassuringly, letting the goofiness fall once more.

"Okay," he mumbled quietly and looked at his lap. His eyes were unfocused as he stared numbly.

"Eiji, I said I'm fine," he repeated. He lowered his head to steal a peek at Eiji's tear-glazed eyes.

Eiji nodded. In a mere whisper he said, "Yeah. Okay. Good."

For a moment, Ash could only stare. And then his brain kicked in.

"Oh, sorry," Ash said softly. He stood and moved to sit on the table by Eiji's chair. "I can be such an ass. You're not okay."

Eiji's lip quivered as gravity pulled a sole tear down his cheek.

"I'm sorry, Eiji," Ash mused, wiping away the tear that stained his skin. "So sorry," he whispered.

Eiji clicked his laptop closed and slid it aside. He folded onto the table, placing his head in his arms like a schoolboy taking a nap on his desk.

Ash rubbed his back comfortingly. "Sorry," Ash whispered again. "Next time I'll keep my big fat mouth shut."

Blindly, Eiji reached out an arm and found Ash's broken hand. Holding hands with a hard cast wasn't exactly an easy task. Due to Ash's limited mobility, it was Eiji doing most of the holding.

"Are you sad for me? Or are you upset with me?"

"For you," Eiji muttered between tears.

"I'm okay, Eiji, really."

Ash's face scrunched in pain as Eiji impulsively squeezed his hand, forgetting about the cast. Ash didn't say a word.

"But you weren't okay then."

That was the only explanation Eiji gave for his tears, but it was enough. Ash understood. Eiji was sad that Ash ever had to go through any of that. He felt pain for the child Ash who was so angry, tormented, hurt, and frightened, yet still good enough to hold a fellow panicked or dying child.

An alert chimed on Ash's phone to announce his therapy session in thirty minutes.

'Horrible timing,' he thought.

He thought about canceling and normally, under these circumstances, he would. But he'd fought to even keep her as his therapist, and specifically, not to mention stubbornly, asked her to hold his Friday appointment. He couldn't cancel on her now.

"Hey," Ash began softly.

"I know," Eiji mumbled. "Iku-san," Eiji intuited. He knew the sound of the alert by now. Slowly, he peeled himself from the table and wiped the tears from his reddened face. "Give me a minute to wash my face."

"You don't have to come, love."

"I want to."

By the time they reached the office, Eiji's skin had mostly calmed down, but his eyes still showed signs of crying. Only minutes after their arrival, the receptionist told Ash that Iku-san was ready for him, but Eiji hardly looked ready for him to leave. He held his hand silently as he stared sadly into space.

"Wanna come in with me?" Ash asked Eiji.

That snapped him from his daze. Ash had never offered that before. Each week Eiji waited for him in the waiting room, wondering, tormenting his own mind in the process, what they were talking about. Sometimes Ash told him, other times he did not. And sometimes, Ash hardly spoke when he left her office, his face stained with tears or red in frustration. Those times haunted him the most.

"You...I can come in?"

"Yeah, she'd like to meet you anyway, she's said as much."

Eiji compulsively wiped at his eyes, wondering what he looked like. He hoped his tears weren't too obvious. "She doesn't want to meet me like this...In this state I'm in."

"She's seen me cry plenty. She's a therapist, she's not gonna care," Ash reasoned.

"Alright," he gave his eyes one final wipe, "I'm ready. Let's go."

They made their way past the receptionist and down the hall to Iku-san's office. Ash knocked politely on the door frame before entering. Iku-san's head was bent down, fishing something out of her desk drawer. "Come in, Ash," she said without looking up.

"Um, I brought Eiji with me, if that's okay."

Her head shot up and she stood, dusting her hands off on her skirt. She had long-awaited meeting Eiji. She'd seen him once or twice, but never actually had a chance to speak with him. "Eiji!" She smiled and began to walk to the door to greet him. "It's so nice to finally-" she extended her hand, but her sentence fell short as she noticed his teary state. She looked to Ash.

"Has something happened?" She asked with great concern.

"Just bad timing, really. I told an upsetting story earlier, right before I had to leave to be here," Ash explained.

"You could have called to reschedule."

"No, that's disrespectful of your time."

"It's nice to meet you Iku-san," Eiji said after a composing breath. "Ash speaks highly of you."

A smile replaced worried lines. "Likewise, Eiji." She walked behind them to shut the door. "Ash speaks very highly of you. I've been looking forward to meeting you for some time now." She returned to her seat and motioned for the two to sit down. "Please, have a seat."

"How's the hand, Ash?"

Ash held his hand and twisted it in examination as if he'd forgotten it was broken. "Oh, it's whatever. I've had worse. I have to keep it in this cast for like six weeks." He shrugged, "Not a big deal."

She knew he'd experienced worse, but it was one thing to know and another to see. And she'd never seen the scars that littered his torso. She'd never seen the stab wound from his fight with Arthur or the gunshot scar on his shoulder. She'd never seen where Marvin burnt him with a lit cigar or where Dino had struck him repeatedly with his belt. She'd never seen the scars Ash forgot getting or the ones his brain blocked out. She'd never seen any of it. A self-inflicted broken hand really was no big deal, more so than Iku-san could fully understand.

"Is there a specific reason you brought Eiji in with you today?"

"I upset him. I couldn't just leave him in the waiting room."

"Do you want to discuss what happened?" She looked at Eiji instead of Ash. "Eiji?"

It had been years since Eiji had been in a therapist's office and even then he'd never been accompanied by someone else. It had always been him and the therapist, no one else. For a moment he was silent, hoping Ash would speak first. But he didn't and neither did Iku-san. When it became apparent neither would speak for him, he spoke up.

"I, um, he told me that he, um, that he used to be with kids- at the club - comfort them - as they, um." He inhaled a shaky breath. "As they- shit -as they…"

He expected Ash to finish the sentence for him, but he didn't, and neither did Iku-san.

"Died," Eiji finally choked out.

"Mmm, yes, that is quite upsetting. Ash and I have discussed that in previous sessions. Would you like to discuss it with us today, Eiji?"

Eiji's eyes uncomfortably found the floor. "No," he said uncertainly. "I don't- I don't think that'd help. I…" he didn't finish his sentence.

Iku-san was silent for what felt like forever. Ash could sense Eiji growing more and more uncomfortable by the second.

"That's what she does, Eiji," Ash said at long last. "You didn't finish your sentence and she's not gonna finish it for you or ask another question until you've finished your thought." He shared a glance with Iku-san. "I fucking hated it at first."

She exhaled a sound of amusement. "Most people do."

"But it made me talk and that's why I'm here, isn't it? To work through shit even though it sucks." Ash looked at Eiji who was still staring at the carpet. "So just say what you wanna say because neither of us will do it for you."

"And might I add," Iku-san began, "I will not judge you and neither will Ash. You may speak freely or you may choose to leave. Or if you truly do not wish to speak, you can just watch. This is Ash's session after all, but it seems he believes there's something you need to get off your chest as well." And then she was quiet, choosing to let him decide what to do. "Sometimes," she said after another minute of silence. "It helps Ash to stand at the window, facing away from me. If you'd like to do so as you speak, you are more than welcome to."

Eiji nodded but did not stand. He wasn't sure his legs were strong enough to hold him. Instead, he placed his head in his hands, staring at the carpet while his elbows pressed into his knees. He took a deep breath and then finally spoke. "It bothers me...that there's so much I don't know."

"The story of the children at the club bothered you but not knowing about it until now bothered you more," Iku-san reflected calmly. "The root of the issue is that there are many stories you don't know. They could be equally upsetting. They haunt Ash and it haunts you to know he keeps them from you."

"To protect you," Ash chimed in. "I don't like upsetting you, Eiji."

Eiji's head whipped towards Ash. "But I'm not made of glass, Ash! I can handle it."

"I- I know you can, but I don't want you to have to. There are some things you shouldn't have to know."

"Well, it's really hard to sit in that waiting room each week wondering what the hell you're having to relive. Sometimes when you come out of this office you look like death, Ash." His voice dropped to just above a whisper. "It's selfish, I know that. I know it's selfish, but I wish I could know...whatever it is you talk about."

"Eiji," Iku-san began, "these sessions are important for Ash. He needs a place he can mull things over in complete confidentiality."

Ash huffed as he thought of Blanca breaching that confidentiality.

"Again, Ash," she said calmly, "I apologize for my oversight, and I understand if…" she stopped talking. Eiji's face told her he was lost. "Oh. Oh, you haven't told him."

"Smooth, Doc," Ash said sarcastically.

Abruptly, Ash stood and planted himself in front of the window. Outside it was sweltering hot, but just looking through the window, you'd never guess it. Fluffy clouds graced the blue sky, casting shadows of the grass as they rode the gentle breeze. Butterflies and bees fluttered in and out of flowers. It looked too peaceful to be so hot.

"He saw my fucking file, Eiji. Blanca, I mean." Eiji inhaled sharply. "It wasn't her fault. He's good at what he does, he'd have found a way to get his hands on it regardless of who I was seeing."

"So…" Eiji began quietly. Ash had to turn to watch his lips as he spoke. He would have been lost otherwise. "Blanca...and Iku-san...both know more than I...ever will?"

"I never wanted him to know."

Eiji nodded. "I know, Ash. Like I said, I know I'm being selfish…"

Ash returned his eyes to the courtyard. Behind him, he heard Eiji release a long exhale. There was a shift of movement that told Ash he was now standing. Ash's eyes unfocused from the courtyard to find Eiji's reflection in the windowpane.

"I'm...sorry...I'll go." He bowed toward Iku-san. "It was nice to finally meet you. Sorry that I'm in such a strange state today."

Ash spun back around. "Don't leave," he pleaded.

Eiji met his eyes sympathetically. "It's okay, I know you'd rather me leave." He turned and stepped towards the door.

"No!" Ash practically shouted. "Please, stay?"

Eiji slowly turned back around. They shared a glance that clearly asked, 'You sure?'

Ash nodded yes to the unspoken question and they both returned to the chairs beside Iku-san's desk.

"That was impressive," Iku-san noted to herself with a slight lift of her eyebrows and shake of her head.

Ash raised a brow in question.

"Great non-verbal communication," she wrote something on her notepad. "But also, you didn't fight. There's tension, sure. You're both upset, but not really with each other. You're upset at the situation you both find yourselves in, but there's no anger towards the other. That shows true maturity." She looked at them both and smiled gently. "I used to do a lot of couple counseling before this position and many of those clients would scream at each other, sometimes just by default. They weren't even necessarily mad, but they often didn't know how to simply disagree or have a hard conversation without yelling. I'm assuming you two don't make a habit of fighting?"

They looked at each other. Eiji smiled, finally showing a bit of his usual self in Iku-san's presence. "No," he said to Iku-san while he looked at Ash. "We bicker," his head turned to Iku-san. "The guys in New York said we were like an old married couple sometimes." He smiled fondly as he remembered the stupid things they used to bicker over, like natto and the proper hour to wake up. "But Ash's temper has improved," he teased, nudging Ash's foot with his own, "and we don't even do that as much these days. But fight? We've never really fought."

"Well, we have on occasion," Ash reminded him. "Like in New York, when I'd come home injured at almost dawn. A few times you ripped me a new one. Or that time in Tokyo...on the balcony."

Eiji looked confused at the second example.

"When I told you that you were allowed to be bothered," his face scrunched in discomfort, suddenly hyper-aware of Iku-san's presence, "about my...reluctance...to being...intimate."

Eiji shook his head in disagreement. "Nah, Ash, that wasn't a fight."

"I yelled at you," he pointed out.

Eiji thought about it, replaying that conversation in his head. "Okay, maybe a bit of a fight. But I guess that makes us even for the times I've yelled at you."

Ash nodded. "Yeah, sure. Even." He turned to Iku-san, realizing the full significance was lost on her. "We have this ongoing thing, 'even,' we call it. It's pretty self-explanatory, really. It started way back in New York. I found myself in a vulnerable situation and back then...and well," he ran a hand through his hair and glanced at Eiji, "Well, let's just say I was more than a bit of a handful. And so Eiji did what he could. He made himself just as vulnerable. He said we were even and it's stuck ever since."

Iku-san sported a smile that said 'isn't that lovely?' "And is that the reason you both wear an engagement ring?"

They nodded in unison. "Yeah," Ash said sweetly. "Yeah, it is," he repeated, regaining his typical composure.

"Well," Iku-san folded her hands over her notepad. "That's really very sweet, thank you for sharing that." She sipped the glass of iced tea that was perpetually on the tidy desk in front of her. "Now, Ash, what would you like to discuss today? Anything in particular while Eiji is here? Or do you want to do questions?"

Some sessions Ash came in with a laser focus, ready to discuss a particular topic for an entire session. And then there were weeks when things were going particularly well and he didn't have a clear idea of what he wanted to focus on, so Iku-san would ask him questions about various things. When they reached a question that struck a chord, they'd then have something to focus on. Sometimes one question would last the entire session, other times they'd go through several questions. It was a good way to identify issues he sometimes didn't realize he was having.

Ash considered her question. "The week started pretty rough with the whole Blanca debacle...but...we've settled things."

"How so?"

"He saw that he got under my skin, so he left me a note." Ash retrieved said the note from his pocket and handed it to Iku-san. "He says he'll leave me alone until I'm ready to talk."

Her eyes danced across the short note, taking it in with raised eyebrows. In an attempt to keep things strictly professional, she refrained from telling Ash this was a different number than the one she had in her phone, but honestly, it was hardly a surprise. She expected a man like Blanca to have burner phone upon burner phone.

"And will you? Call him, I mean?" She handed back the note as she awaited his answer.

Ash folded the note and placed it neatly back in his jean pocket. "Eventually," he said curtly.

Eiji shifted uncomfortably in his seat but said nothing.

Ash ran a hand through his hair. "So...I guess I want to talk about Blanca today." He looked at Eiji. "Because I might as well tell you both at once."

Eiji nodded. Iku-san made a note on her notepad.

"What would you like us to know?" Iku-san inquired.

"I don't know really. I- just need to talk about him. Vent, maybe?"

"Would questions be helpful?"

"Yes, please, ask me something."

Iku-san nodded and sipped her tea again before asking, "When you make that phone call, sometime in the future, how might it benefit you?"

Ash pondered the question. "I'm not sure it will," he answered with a shrug.

"Does he expect forgiveness?"

Ash rolled his eyes. "Yeah, he does." Under his breath he muttered to himself, although it was loud enough for Eiji and Iku-san to hear, "the fuckin' nerve of him."

"So, he came all the way to Japan to ask for your forgiveness," she reflected. "You must be pretty important to him."

"No, he just feels guilty. I mean nothing to him," Ash said defiantly.

Iku-san shook her head, "No, Ash, if you meant nothing to him he wouldn't have cared enough to seek you out and ask for your forgiveness."

"He just has a guilty conscience, that's all."

"Perhaps," she said neutrally. "Why don't you tell me more about your relationship with Blanca. How did you two meet?" She asked, in order to better understand his relationship with Blanca.

"I've already told you."

"Why don't you tell me again," she insisted.

"Dino hired him to mentor and train me. He taught me all sorts of shit."

Iku-san nodded in understanding. "And how old were you then? When you first met?"

Ash tried not to glare. He figured she must have a reason for making him repeat things he'd already told her. Things she would have surely written down.

"14," he said finally. "I was 14 when I first met Blanca."

"Fourteen," she reflected. "Now, Ash, try to think back to that time. What did fourteen-year-old Ash think of Blanca?

Eiji studied Ash and then Iku-san.

"He shouldn't have let me stay there," Ash said angrily. "He knew it was wrong! He should have found a way to take me away from that place! Away from Dino and Marvin and-"

"Yes, but what did fourteen-year-old Ash think?"

He looked taken aback. She rarely interrupted him. He forced himself to breathe and consider what she was trying to say.

"Put yourself in the shoes of your fourteen-year-old self."

Ash closed his eyes and tried to remember the first time he met Blanca.

He opened his eyes and threw a subtle side glance at Eiji. "First time I met him," another glance at Eiji, "he saw me- right after a different teacher had raped me." He heard Eiji gasp. "Dino was with him. He told me to make myself presentable. He was angry. But Blanca...well he looked scandalized and maybe mad...but mad for different reasons than Dino." Ash stood and found his place by the window. "I didn't like him at first. But to be fair I didn't like anyone back then, so I didn't even consider giving him a chance."

"But something changed that?" Iku-san guessed.

"He stood up for me. More than once."

Iku-san was silent, encouraging him to elaborate.

His body language shifted from angry and large to smaller and anxious. He leaned against the window, arms curling into his chest, his chin tucked in slightly.

"He found me once, pretty early on."

"Found you where, Ash?"

"Some dirt-cheap hotel that smelled like piss and cigarettes, filled with vagabonds and whores like me," he said with disdain.

"Ash," Eiji cut in sternly. "Don't talk about yourself that way."

Ash replied without turning to face him. "Come on, Eiji, that's the truth. You know that."

"It may be the truth but you never wanted it to be."

Ash shook his head, somewhere between dismissal and acceptance. "Anyway, Blanca found me there, tied to the fucking bedframe, still naked and bleeding. It was humiliating."

Eiji stood, rattling his chair as he did so. "Who? Who Ash? That doesn't sound like a place Dino would take y-"

"Marvin, Eiji," he said as if it were obvious.

"I was...terrified...at first. Blanca's a big guy. And I had no reason to trust him then."

Iku-san nodded and recorded a note.

"But he promised not to hurt me and he kept to that. Held me through a panic attack and everything." He exhaled shakily. Eiji sat back down. "Broke Marvin's wrist next time he saw him messin' with me. Threatened to do worse the next time. It scared Marvin off for a while, but not for good. He just got better at being secretive. Fuckin' scum. So, I guess, over time, I came to trust him. And I'll say what you want me to say, because it's true," he turned from the window to face Iku-san. "Fourteen-year-old Ash liked Blanca. A lot. He was interesting to talk to. There was always something he could teach me. He never once tried to touch me, or even imply that he wanted to. Because he didn't. He wasn't like the rest of them. And I respected him. Hell, he even spared me from Dino when he could."

"How'd he pull that off?"

"He'd insist I needed practice training at night, or he'd just not bring me back to him on time and say he had lost track of time even though he never did. I knew he had my back, even if he couldn't fully rescue me." Ash slunk down so that he was now sitting on the low window sill.

"That must have been confusing for you, Ash. He obviously cared about you and did what he could to protect you, yet he never removed you from that highly abusive situation. He was the only adult to never harm you so you held him on a pedestal, but now you question that too."

Ash nodded numbly. "Was it right? To idolize him for doing the bare minimum?" Ash asked rhetorically. "But you're right," he went on, realizing why she made him recount all that, "I do still respect him...in some fucked up way."

"You needed someone on your side as a child and you still respect him, at least to some extent, for how he treated you then. There is nothing wrong with that."

Ash shrugged but said nothing further.

"Now, Ash, I'd never ask you to forgive him. If you'd like to, you obviously may do so, but I'd never ask you to force it." She paused and Ash braced himself for the next statement. "But, perhaps, it would help to simply talk to him," Iku-san suggested.

"I'll think about it."

"But don't do it for him, Ash. Do it for you."

Claws clicked against the bamboo wood floors as Buddy ran to greet Eiji and Ash upon their return home. Toilet paper trailed behind him like a cape.

"Dude!" Ash laughed, "What did you do?" He picked up Buddy and began untangling him from the mess of toilet paper. There were strands spiraled around his tail and body, as well as smaller pieces stuck between his paws and the corners of his mouth. Eiji followed the trail of toilet paper that wound through the house, eventually leading to the bathroom on the main floor.

"Oh my gosh!" Eiji exclaimed as he entered the bathroom which was now covered in a sea of spitty, shredded toilet paper. On the wall mount hung an empty toll, also bearing teeth marks from the teething puppy.

Ash entered the bathroom holding the squirming puppy. "My man," Ash said humorously "not cool."

Buddy wriggled in his arms, begging to get down. The second Ash placed him on the floor, he began biting at the paper, instantly reversing the work Ash had just done to clean him up.

"H-h-hey!" Ash laughed. "Dude! Knock it off!" He looked at Eiji. "I guess we'll have to crate him when we go out."

Eiji frowned. "But that's so sad."

"Well we can't come to this every time we leave the house," Ash reasoned.

"Maybe we can get one of those puppy fences. The ones that are a big metal circle, so at least he's not cooped up too much."

Ash nodded in agreement. "Now," he said, looking at Buddy. "Just tell me you didn't pee anywhere, Little Man."

As Eiji continued to clean Buddy's mess, Ash took him outside. The two stayed out there long past the time it took for the dog to do its business. Ash sat in the grass while the puppy explored. Occasionally, it would return to him, bringing him sticks or fallen seed pods in his teeth. A collection of things from around the yard lay in the grass beside him. Eventually, Buddy wore himself out and joined Ash in the grass. Ash's stomach growled and his tired brain longed for a book to occupy itself, but his mental and emotional exhaustion kept him from solving either problem. Instead, he simply stretched out in the grass and watched as the sun began its slow descent into the treeline.

Eiji startled Ash as he opened the door to join him. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya," he apologized as he walked over to Ash in the grass.

Ash sat and brushed it off. "Did you make that?" He asked, glancing at the plates Eiji was carrying.

"No, I went out." Eiji handed Ash a plate of sushi and a large iced tea.

"Shit, I didn't even hear you leave." He popped a bite of sushi into his mouth. "Damn, that's delicious."

Buddy raced around Ash and Eiji, trying to steal food from their plates.

"Hey you," Eiji mused as he picked up the puppy. "Let's get you your own food." Eiji retreated inside with Buddy and returned with a bowl of dog food. Buddy finished his food in under a minute; a time that genuinely astounded both Eiji and Ash.

"I've been thinking about what Iku-san said," Ash said, breaking the silence as they ate. "She's right, my younger self would want me to make peace with him."

Eiji looked perplexed, "She didn't say that."

"It's the conclusion she wanted me to reach on my own."

"I'm not trying to make excuses for the guy," Eiji began cautiously, "but it sounds like he hated what was happening to you and he probably did what he thought he could get away with to help you. It sounds like he really cared about you, he just maybe had a weird way of showing it."

Ash laughed. "Ha!" He popped the last of his sushi roll into his mouth and collapsed into the grass.

Eiji raised his eyebrows, "What? You don't think so?"

Ash closed his eyes and sighed. "No, I think you're right. And it jives with what Iku-san said, that he cares about me or he wouldn't have bothered to come here and apologize...But wouldn't it be so much easier if that wasn't the case?" He buried his face in his hands and let out a muffled, frustrated scream. "Why does life have to be so hard, Eiji?" He asked into his hands.

Eiji polished off the rest of his sushi roll and placed his empty plate in the grass. Buddy ran to it and licked it clean. Eiji followed Ash's lead and laid in the grass beside him.

Ash uncovered his face as he felt Eiji lay beside him. He turned his head to see him. "At least I have you. God, I'd be so lost if I didn't have you. I'd be stuck in New York fighting for my life every damn day. Hell, I might be dead by now if I'd stayed there. And even if I was still alive, I'd just be rotting in that city, haunted by ghosts and gunfire."

A smile played at the corners of Eiji's lips. He tried to hold it back but failed miserably.

"What?" Ash asked with a raised brow.

"Ghosts and gunfire. Band name, called it."

Ash rolled his eyes, but couldn't keep the laugh from his voice as he muttered, "Ass."

"I'm sorry, you were being so sweet and genuine and I ruined it," Eiji said with a sappy smile.

Ash returned the sappy smile Eiji sported so lovingly, "Nah, you haven't ruined shit." He rolled closer to Eiji and adjusted himself so that his head lay on Eiji's shoulder. "You make everything infinitely better."

Eiji propped an arm under his head and the other around Ash's shoulders, drawing him closer. Against the other side of him, he felt Buddy snuggle into the curve of his waist.

"Life would be meaningless without you Eiji, I hope you know that."

Eiji's arm tightened around him. "I love you too, Ash."