Chapter Forty-Eight: No One's Gonna Harm You, Not While I'm Around

Aki's fist trembled inches above the door to Shun's apartment in Tokyo.

"Why are you shaking?" Ash whispered.

[I'm nervous. He wasn't expecting us.]

"I think it will be a welcome surprise.," Ash reassured her. "Just go for it. Knock."

She took a deep breath and then her fist connected with the door four times.

"Knock again," Ash said when there was no response.

Aki knocked a second time and this time, Shun's approaching footsteps could be heard. As the door opened, a large pile of packed moving boxes could be seen behind him. He technically planned on being back in Izumo by now, however, his current position bartered two extra weeks out of him in order to train his replacement.

He made eye contact with Aki and then Ash. The clear confusion in his eyes suddenly turned to gleeful surprise. It was a rare occasion in which Ash heard the reserved man truly laugh.

[How are you here?] He asked Aki. [Why are you here?]

She smiled and shrugged, [Ash had to make a purchase in Tokyo and he brought me along.]

He looked at Ash, [No Eiji?]

Ash shook his head. [He's on a work trip in Osaka.]

Shun smiled and opened the door wider, [Well, come on in!]

Aki and Ash stepped inside, removing their shoes as they did so.

[Sorry about all the boxes,] he began, gesturing at the boxes that crowded the small apartment, [there's not much room to sit.]

And there wasn't. It was obvious which couch cushion was his favorite because it was the only one not occupied by boxes. He quickly began moving them to the already crowded floor so Ash and Aki could have a place to sit. But as he began to move the final box, he realized there was really nowhere else to go with it. He stalled for a minute, box in hand, scanning the room for a place to set it.

[Why don't we go out?] Aki suggested. [It's about dinner time anyway.]

Shun nodded and set the box back onto the sofa. [Good idea.]

Ash and Aki got back into the shoes and coats they had just removed and they all headed out.

[Any place, in particular, you want to go?] Shun asked them both.

[That sushi place Eiji took me was awfully good,] Ash suggested.

Aki smiled. [Yeah? That place he and Miyuki always talk about?]

Ash nodded, [Mhmm.]

[She goes on and on about that sauce! I've always wanted to taste it.]

Shun locked up and they all began walking towards the ever-famous sushi place. Ash's phone chimed with a text from Eiji. He sent a selfie of him and Shunichi at the top of the Tempozan Ferris Wheel. Eiji was smiling but something in his eyes looked uneasy and Ash knew instantly it was Shunichi who had wanted to go up in the tourist attraction.

Ash sent a text as he walked. 'Wow, a ferris wheel, Eiji? And here you joked I was cheating on you?'

Eiji instantly texted back. 'This was not my idea. Shunichi picked it. And don't imply we're dating, I already feel sick up here in this giant swaying contraption.'

Ash huffed amusedly. He sent a quick 'I already miss you.' and then pocketed his phone.

Aki elbowed his side. [How's Eiji?] She teased knowingly.

Ash gave a simple, [Fine,] and kept walking.

[So, Ash, what is it you came to buy?] Shun asked curiously over dinner.

There was a shimmer of mischief in Ash's eye. He knew Shun was traditional and two men marrying one another in white kimonos was anything but traditional, but he also knew there was no point in lying to him.

[I'm buying a kimono for the wedding,] he said simply.

[Oh?] Shun raised his eyebrows in surprise. The expression made him look surprisingly like Eiji, even with his glasses. [Why come all the way here? There's a shop in Izumo that- ]

[He wants a white one,] Aki said with a smirk that rivaled Ash's. [No one in Izumo would make him one.]

His eyebrows shot up higher. [Oh,] he stuttered, [Oh, I see.]

Ash turned towards Aki with a shit-eating grin. "Oh dear, we've scandalized him."

Shun's face pucked in annoyance at the switch to English.

Ash looked back at Shun, [Not very traditional, I know. But Eiji once said I look good in white,] he shrugged, [so screw it. White it is.]

For a moment Shun was silent. And when he opened his mouth to speak, there was a smile there too, [Oh, well, if Eiji likes it…] he teased.

Ash popped a bite of sushi in his mouth. [Exactly.]

"Anywhere in particular you wanna stay?" Ash asked Aki as they parted ways with Shun.

Aki shook her head, [I haven't been here in an age, I don't care where we stay.]

Ash pulled out his phone. "Well…" he held the screen out towards her, "This one's only a five-minute walk."

Aki took one look and then looked away. "Not that one, Ashu."

Ash narrowed his eyes in suspicion "No?" He asked carefully.

"No." She shoved her hands in her pockets, trying to keep warm. "Bad memories there."

Ash raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?" he left the sentence open, hoping she'd give more details. As he waited for her to speak he looked for another hotel. He found another nearby and held the screen to her once more. She nodded in approval and Ash instantly began walking, lugging a backpack and Aki's small travel bag on his shoulder.

"Shun and I had fight there one time," she clarified after a minute of walking, "when I came to visit...before...he stopped visiting." She lifted her hands from her coat pocket and breathed hot air into them. "Where I told him...to stop coming back if not to stay."

Ash nodded slowly in understanding. "Ahhh."

"Silly," she scoffed at herself, "I know." She shoved her hands back into her coat pocket. "We have...made up…but I..." she let the sentence die out without finishing it.

"But it makes you remember? Feel guilty all over again?" Ash inferred.

She nodded and cleared her throat. "Yes...Yes, I think it would."

Ash took a few more steps before stopping. "Sorry," he said softly. He understood far too well what it felt like to be triggered by a hotel room. His was for a completely different reason, but he understood all the same.

Aki waved it off with a small laugh, "Oh, Ashu, no big deal!" She put her hands on her hips dramatically, "I am big girl! I can handle it."

Ash gave her a small, half-smile. "But I probably should've asked before just dragging you here with me."

The joking demeanor fell from Aki's face. [I could have told you too.]

"Yeah...but me of all people...I know what it's like to not like hotels."

He was trying to sympathize but it was the wrong thing to say. Her face grew dark and serious as the significance of his words dawned on her. But instead of addressing it, she simply said, [I have no problem with other hotels, just that one. Don't blame yourself.]

Despite the cold, she removed her hand from her coat pocket and reached for Ash's arm. She snaked her arm through it and then stuffed her hand back in her own coat. Without having to say it outright, he knew what he said had bothered her. It made her sad to think of the life he lived before coming to Japan, and in the happiness of everyday life, it was easy to forget. But then he'd say things like that and she'd remember all over again. They walked the rest of the way in silence, but her small arm snaked through his spoke a thousand words.

"Do normal parents share a hotel room with their kids?" Ash asked as they approached the hotel.

She looked perplexed for a moment and then realized what he was asking. "We only need one room," she confirmed.

"You sure?" Ash asked. Money was no issue, he could certainly afford more than one.

Aki nodded, "Are you sure?"

Ash scrunched his face uncomfortably, "Wanna know a secret?" Aki nodded instantly in the same nosey fashion Miyuki would have. "I don't like staying in a hotel room alone. Gives me the creeps," he told her.

"Uh-huh," she replied, humoring him. She knew there was more to it but she didn't pry.

In reality, it made him remember all the times Marvin, or whoever else, would tie him up and leave him waiting as they left the room to go for a smoke or a drink. He hated waiting there, wondering when they'd return and what kind of mood they'd be in when they did so. Just thinking about it made his throat tighten and his fingers tingle with panic. But he'd never dare say that much to Aki.

[One room, please,] he said as he reached the front desk. [Two beds,] he added hastily. He pointed to Aki, [I know she doesn't look it, but she is my mom.]

Aki smiled softly at his slur of hasty Japanese.

The woman at the desk looked to Aki and then to Ash and then back at Aki. She shrugged and glanced at her computer to find an opening. After a few clicks of the mouse and the keyboard, she gave him his key and room number. [Do you have any bags you need carried?] She asked.

[Uh, no. Thanks though.]

She smiled. [Room 315. There's an elevator at the end of the hall. We serve breakfast and tea until 9. Enjoy your stay.]

Ash thanked her and made his way to the elevator she mentioned. The elevator button illuminated under his touch. "She didn't believe me," he huffed as they waited for the elevator to arrive.

"So? Her problem, Ashu."

A sharp chime announced the elevator's arrival as the steel doors parted. They stepped inside.

[I hope you don't talk in your sleep,] Aki teased as the doors closed. She pressed the glowing number three.

The corners of his mouth tugged awkwardly, revealing his bottom teeth. "Actually, sometimes I do. But not so much anymore."

Not since Japan. Not since Eiji.

She rolled her eyes and, at that moment, she reminded him so much of Eiji. [Well...as long as you don't snore,] she teased further.

"Now that, I can guarantee. And Eiji can attest to that, I do not snore."

She smirked. "Good."

The doors opened and they walked several paces down the hall to their room. Ash slid the card against the card reader and the door unlocked.

"And you? You better not snore either."

She pondered it. [I didn't when I lived with Shun. Since then, though? Well, I wouldn't actually know.]

Ash stood frozen with his hand on the door handle. He'd unintentionally brought up something uncomfortable yet again. Since he and Eiji began living together, it became a rarity for either of them to sleep alone, but still, he knew what it was like to not feel the warmth of the person you love beside you. It was horrible and lonely. And she'd been feeling that for years.

She moved her hand on top of his and opened the door for him. [I'm fine. I'm not that sensitive, I promise,] she said reassuringly and then stepped inside the room.

Unlike the one he'd stayed in last time, this hotel was more traditional. The room was covered in tatami mats and contained two futons rather than Western-style beds. A small tea table with floor seats sat near the glass doors that led to the small balcony. A tv hung on the wall in the center of the room. The bathroom contained a large bath, rather than a shower.

As Aki used the restroom first to get ready for bed, Ash called Eiji. Ash heard Eiji open the sliding door to his hotel room balcony in Osaka to get some privacy from Shunichi. Ash stepped out onto his balcony as well, which was a mistake.

"Hey!" Eiji sounded suspicious. "Where are you? I can hear so many cars...and people!"

Ash cursed under his breath and pulled his coat closer to shield his skin from the winter wind. "All part of the surprise, stop asking questions, you're gonna make me give it away!"

Eiji was quiet for a moment, clearly listening for more sound clues. "Tokyo?"

"Eiji!" Ash laughed, "Stop guessing!"

Eiji smiled from ear-to-ear, "Sounds like I got it right. Working with all these investigative journalists must have rubbed off on me."

"I hate you," Ash grumbled.

"If by hate you mean love, then I hate you too."

Ash could tell by his voice Eiji was smiling.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Ash was smiling too.

"So what's in Tokyo that I can't know about?"

"How's Osaka?" Ash asked instead, completely ignoring Eiji's question.

"Not fair," Eiji grumbled, "my question first."

"I'm not giving away my secret. You'll have to work on your patience, Ei-chan, I know it's hard, but all skills can be honed," he mocked.

"Says the guy who literally yells at the dishwasher when he thinks it's 'taking too long.'" Eiji's fingers formed air quotes on the other end. Ash heard his coat swoosh as he did so.

"Hey, the dishwasher was expensive, it should be more efficient at its job," he argued.

"The dishwasher came with the house, moron." Eiji was smiling again, wider this time.

"So? I can tell it was expensive all the same." Ash sighed. "How's Osaka?" He asked again.

This time, Eiji answered. "Fine. We got some work done earlier and then Shunichi drug me to the top of that ferris wheel. The view was nice but I hated every second of it."

"Not a fan of heights?" Ash asked with a smile Eiji couldn't see.

"Not when the wind is blowing the small metal seat you're strapped into."

Ash rolled his eyes. "I saw the picture, that gondola was more than a 'small metal seat.'"

Eiji shrugged, "I still hated it."

"Did you wish I was there to hold your hand?" Ash teased.

"No!" Eiji practically screamed.

Ash's mouth fell open in shock, "Wh-wha- Eiji, I'm offended!" He half-teased.

"I say no because you would not have held my hand! I can picture you rocking the cart and laughing demonically as I freaked out!"

Ash laughed as he considered the image. "Yeahhh, sounds like me, huh?"

Eiji nodded, "I know you well." Eiji sighed and changed topics, "Shunichi's watching some God-awful show inside," he said casually. "Some cooky documentary about aliens and the pyramids."

"Sounds interesting to me."

Eiji rolled his eyes, "If you saw it, I think you'd understand what I meant. It's all very far-fetched. One of the guys-"

"HEY!" Ash shouted as something dawned on him.

Eiji startled, nearly dropping his phone. "What?!"

"You lied to me!"

"Huh?! What? I didn't-"

"You said the company rented you each your own room! You lied just to get me to come."

Eiji relaxed, "Oh, yeah, I did," he said calmly as if it were nothing. "But it didn't work now did it?"

Ash heard Eiji shift into a sitting position on the balcony. "Hmm, but you lied to me too. Cuz I assume Miyuki's staying at our house watching Buddy while you're doing whatever it is you're doing in Tokyo."

Ash hummed in amusement. "Well, she is, but to be fair I wasn't planning on coming to Tokyo. It was a last-minute necessity."

Eiji cocked his head like a puppy, "Yeah?"

"Yeah. And that's all you get because I've already said too much!"

"So whatever it is you're there for….you expected to be able to do closer to home...but-"

"Eiji! STOP!" Ash shouted in exasperation. "If you guess it, it won't be a surprise anymore!"

Eiji cackled, "Fine, fine!"

Behind Ash, the balcony door slid open. "Okay, Ashu?" Aki asked with concern.

His head whipped around to face her, looking paler than normal, as if he'd just seen a ghost. He nodded and placed a finger over his mouth. He pointed to the phone and mouthed Eiji's name.

Aki smiled. [Come in soon, you'll catch a cold.] With that, she slipped back inside.

"Sooooo," Eiji began on the other line, "Mom's with you?"

Ash let out a groan of frustration. "I should've known better than to call."

Eiji smiled, "Yeah, I suppose you should've. But I'm glad you did."

Ash smiled too, "Yeah, me too." Ash yawned. It had been a long day that had started at 3 AM when he drove Eiji to the train station. And then shopping, an impromptu flight, and dinner? It all wore him out. And in the morning he'd be shopping for wedding clothes and then head straight back to Izumo. "Sorry, but I have to get to bed, Eiji," he said regretfully.

His yawn made Eiji yawn as well, "Yeah," he yawned again, "Me too."

"Enjoy that pyramid show," Ash teased.

"Ugh, I'm making him change it."

Ash chuckled, "Good night, Eiji."

He heard Eiji move to a standing position. "Night, Ash."

As the call ended, Ash stepped back inside. "He's so damn nosey," he complained aloud to Aki, "He managed to figure out I'm in Tokyo."

[Shouldn't have stood outside if you didn't want him to know that.]

Ash gestured vaguely, "Whatever."

He disappeared into the bathroom and readied himself for bed. He cursed not renting two rooms as he dressed in actual pajamas. He was like a furnace when he slept. Anything more than boxers and maybe a t-shirt left him sweaty by morning. Still, he pulled on a shirt and shorts and decided to take a mirror selfie for Eiji.

'I can see the papers now: American man dies from spontaneous human combustion.'

Eiji responded instantly, 'You're so dramatic. It's the middle of WINTER!'

Ash typed back, 'You have a horrible bedside manner, Ei-chan.'

Eiji sent back a quick 'LOVE YOU!' with about fifteen different forms of heart emojis. Some weird form of genuine sarcasm radiated off the words. Ash sent back a single heart and pocketed his phone.

Aki was flipping through TV channels when Ash returned from the bathroom. She paused on a documentary. "Do people watch this?" She asked herself.

"NO WAY! That has to be the show Eiji was saying Ibe was watching!"

They both laughed and Aki's finger paused over the channel button. They could only watch two minutes of the show before Ash begged her to keep looking. After scrolling through twenty or so more channels, Aki decided on a home renovation show. Ash spread out his futon and was asleep within minutes as Aki continued watching TV.

Ash was scared of dreaming alone in a hotel with only Aki, he didn't want her to see him dream. So, of course, he dreamed. He dreamt of Marvin and that rancid hotel he'd take him to whenever he got the chance. He dreamt of a time when the front desk clerk wanted in on the action. He had threatened to rat on him if Marvin didn't 'give him a go.' So Marvin did and, honestly, it was better than being with Marvin. But of course, Marvin had his way with Ash after the clerk was through.

"Dino's favorite, huh?" The hotel clerk asked. "Then how the hell did you get a hold of 'im."

"Not your concern," Marvin spat. "Now will you rent me the room or not?"

"Oh, I supposed I could be persuaded…"

Ash squirmed and Marvin's grip squeezed tighter into his arm. "Sit still Ash."

Ash continued to squirm. "Dino has a senator coming tonight," he reminded Marvin, "If I'm all bruised and damaged he won't be happy."

Marvin frowned. "So what do you want?" He asked the clerk angrily.

"Oh, nothing too crazy," he said ominously, "Just a turn with that mouth might be enough to persuade me not to open mine."

Ash glared at him venomously. Was there anyone in this city who wasn't a perverted, old fuck?

Marvin used his arm to shove him forward.

"Well?!" He spat. "You heard him," he said to Ash. "Make it quick."

The man ushered Ash into the employee bathroom. It turned out that 'nothing too crazy' was a lie and 'nothing too crazy' resulted in marks Dino would not be happy to see. Ash had seen worse but his stomach turned anyway because he knew Dino would punish him.

Marvin grew impatient and barged into the staff bathroom. "Ash, what the fuck?!" he shouted angrily as he walked in on the man raping him against the wall. "I said keep it quick!"

Ash glared at him with tears blurring his vision. "Oh, like this is my fault?!" Ash plunged a knee into the man's chest, sending him reeling backward in a fit of coughs. He pulled his pants back on and sank to a squat, easily dodging a punch from Marvin. He shoved Marvin with his shoulder. Hard. "I'm getting a cab," he spat.

Marvin's hand pulled violently at Ash's hair. "Like hell, brat! Rent me the fucking room!" He spat at the clerk who just now gathered enough strength to pull himself from the floor.

The man tossed him a master key, "Just take a vacant one."

Marvin pulled Ash violently by the shirt collar. "Come on, Ash!"

Ash let Marvin drag him to a room. The more he put up a fight, the worse it would be. Marvin shoved him into the room. Marvin tsked at him ominously. "Dino will not be happy to learn about what you lured that man into." Dino pushed him onto the bed. "Always begging strangers to fuck you, for fuck's sake," he scoffed.

Ash knew it was better to say nothing, but he was angry so he decided to retaliate. "Oh, fuck you, Marvin!" He screamed. "Dino sees right through your bullshit! He just doesn't usually care enough to do anything about it! But if you hurt me before tonight, before that senator, then he will care. And he'll punish you."

Marvin slapped him so hard Ash saw stars, "Shut it, punk!"

Ash inhaled sharply and blinked quickly in an attempt to get his vision to clear.

"You asked that man to fuck you! And you tell Dino anything different and I'll slit your throat, punk!"

Ash dodged his punch and landed one of his own on Marvin's jaw. When Marvin was down, Ash wrapped his hands around his throat and pinned him to the floor. "Like you have the guts to kill me and face Dino." Ash's hands retreated from his throat as he recognized the sick wave of pleasure that Marvin got from the rough treatment. "You're sick!" Ash spat.

Across the room, Aki's eyes wandered from the TV to Ash's sleeping form. He was in clear distress as he tossed and turned. His chest rose and fell in labored breaths and sweat formed droplets on his hairline. "Sick...fuck...Dino...will kill you," he muttered angrily in his sleep.

She remembered what he said about not talking in his sleep so much anymore. Perhaps Eiji not being there sparked a nightmare. Or maybe it was the hotel room. Or maybe a combination of both. Regardless, she sat quietly on her own futon, willing to let it pass. If she didn't say a word about it, then maybe Ash wouldn't know she'd seen his distress.

At least that was the plan until he kicked out with all the strength of a mule, sending his blanket flying across the room. "Get...off...Marvin!" Ash shouted. "Fuck...you!" He kicked again. "Stop! Dino...will...the senator...STOP!"

Aki turned off the TV and made the executive decision to end his nightmare. As gently as she possibly could, she kneeled beside him and touched his shoulder. He still nearly jumped out of his skin. She retracted her hand. With a sharp inhale, his eyes ripped open. Upon seeing Aki, he covered his face in visible shame and struggled to catch his breath. Her hand returned to his shoulder and she rubbed it comfortingly.

"It's alright, Ashu," she whispered. "No one will hurt you now." She shushed soothingly. "You're okay," she whispered.

He pressed his palms further into his face and turned beet red. He mumbled something that resembled an apology.

"Shhh," she mused, "you don't need to apologize." She smoothed his sweaty hair off his forehead.

His palms pressed tighter to his face.

"Am I upsetting you?" She removed her hand from his forehead, but as she began to lift the other one on his shoulder, Ash placed one of his own atop hers, silently asking her to stay. So she did. She sat there quietly beside him with her hand on his shoulder.

After a few minutes, he removed his hand from his face. "I'm sorry," he whispered. He inhaled a ragged breath. "I didn't mean for you...to have to...see that."

"Ashu, Ashu, there's nothing to say sorry for," she whispered.

"What did I say?" He dared to ask.

She began smoothing his tangled hair again. "It was...unclear. Sounded like someone was…" she knew what it sounded like but couldn't bear to say it, "hurting you."

Ash laughed, it was psychotic sounding, unnerving, something Aki had never heard before. And then, in an instant, he was standing.

"Ashu?" Aki asked, alarmed.

"I need a shower," he said testily.

Aki grabbed his ankle. He instinctively kicked his foot, freeing himself from her grip. Her hand returned to her side.

"There isn't a shower," she reminded him.

"Fuck," he swore.

There was a tub, but baths were different. He wanted to scrub himself clean, not watch his naked body floating in a tub of warm water.

"Sit," Aki commanded.

He didn't, but he also made no further move to leave.

"Why?" She asked.

"Why what?"

"Why a shower?" She knew the answer, he knew she must.

He didn't answer, just stood there embarrassed and perturbed.

"Ashu?"

"I feel…gross," he said at last.

"You shouldn't," she said calmly.

He huffed, "Well, I still do."

"Please sit?" She asked again and patted his futon as she continued to kneel next to it.

Ash looked at her. She looked so desperate and concerned as she watched him from the floor. He sighed and did as she asked, returning to his futon. She reached out and took his hand in hers.

"Dino? Marvin? They are the bad ones, not you."

"They're both dead," he said softly, the anger being replaced with sadness once more.

"Good." She stroked his hand lovingly. "I don't think you're gross," she began, using his own words. "I think you are gentle and kind and wonderful and so, so good…but the world has been so cruel to you. No one deserves that, especially not you, Ashu."

He looked down shamefully. "I'm sorry, I should have known better. I should've rented more than one room."

Aki scoffed, [Why? So you could suffer all alone? That's ridiculous. I want to help you. I don't want you to be tormented by your own…] her voice trailed off, trying to decide if it had been a dream or a memory. [Memories,] she decided. Ash didn't argue, so she must be right. It broke her heart.

She momentarily dropped his hand so she could stand and fetch the blanket he'd kicked across the room mid- nightmare. She wrapped it around his shoulders like one would wrap a freshly bathed toddler with a towel. It reminded Ash of something Iku-san said…something about our inner child. Aki sat back down beside him and took his hand again, a gentle, yet not overwhelming, gesture that she was right there with him.

[You said you didn't talk in your sleep so much anymore. Is this what you meant?]

Ash nodded.

[How'd you get it to stop? Is it because Eiji's with you? Or work with Iku-san?]

He nodded again. "Both...mostly Eiji."

"Mmmm," she nodded in understanding. "Well," she began, "I'm no Eiji…" she maneuvered so that she could pull her futon closer to Ash's. "But, as a mother, I have plenty of experience with nightmares." She looked into his eyes which were timid and dull instead of shining with their typical piercing intensity. [Don't tell her I told you, but sometimes Miyuki still has nightmares. And that's okay, I let her sleep in my room when she needs to. Because that's what mothers do.] She moved closer to Ash, [Can I hug you, Ashu?] He nodded tearfully and let the petite woman, who'd become his mother, hug him.

Asking, for Aki, was rare, but even she wanted to ask in a moment such as this. Once her arms were around him, he relaxed against her chest and let a few tears fall. She rubbed his back and simply held space for him to cry.

"I'm so sick of these dreams," he muttered through tears. "Memories," he amended.

"I know," she whispered. She gathered her courage. "Did that Dino find out?" She asked, referring of course to what she was able to gather from what he said in his sleep.

Ash nodded. "Yeah. He locked me alone in my room without food for a whole week."

Aki gasped, "No! Oh, Ashu." She pulled him closer.

Ash didn't bother to tell her what he did when that door finally opened again. Ash allowed more tears to fall. He wished Eiji was here. But Aki had once told him that everyone needs a mother and since then she'd acted as his. And she was right, a good mother held their child through nightmares. So he let her be his mother. He let her comfort him as he tried not to cry.

"Ash," she said quietly. He braced himself for whatever she was about to say. The dropped 'u' was significant. "Please, please, please don't be embarrassed," she said, reading his mind. [If there was ever a reason to scream and cry and be haunted by memories, it's this. It's the things you've been through. The things I probably couldn't even imagine unless you told them to me.]

She ran one hand up and down his back and placed one hand at the base of his head, like a mother cradling a newborn child. [When I was young I cried about much less. When I was about Miyuki's age, I cried over boys who broke my heart and mean girls at my school. I cried that my parents didn't have enough money to send me to college. I cried because girls got married and boys got jobs, but I hadn't yet found Shun.]

Ash tensed in her arms.

[When I was your age I cried because working 40 hours a week was exhausting but I couldn't take a break. I had met Shun and we were in love and wanted to get married. But weddings are expensive and it's customary for the bride's family to pay for it.]

[When I was Eiji's age I cried when Shun and I struggled to make ends meet. I cried when the government took too much money in taxes,] she huffed a sarcastic laugh. And then her tone turned cold as ice. [I cried when I miscarried our first child…our first daughter, Koyuki.]

She pushed away thoughts of cold, sterile hospital sheets and a too-cold stillborn baby in her arms. She tried not to think of how she and Shun wailed at the loss. Of how the sadness took months to leave her. Of how worried she was throughout her whole pregnancy with Eiji. Of how she cried tears of joy when he was born alive.

Ash swiftly pulled away from her arms and stared her in the eyes. "What are you talking about?!" He asked almost angrily, "Those are all good reasons to cry."

Especially that last one.

She smiled sadly. [I thought you might say that. Because, Ashu, that's the point. It's still nothing like you went through. So if you can say I can cry for those things, then you can cry for yours, regardless of how much time passes.] She smiled at him fondly and ran a motherly hand through his hair once more. [You beautiful soul, no one who matters will ever care if you cry.] She rested her hand firmly upon his shoulder. [And no one who matters would ever want you to suffer alone.]

He had begun crying at some point during her monologue and now didn't bother to try and stop. He wiped at his teary eyes with the heels of his hands. He let out a shaky sob that resembled the words, "Thank you."

[Do you want to call Eiji?] She asked.

"No, it's late, he's asleep by now."

Aki shook her head, [There you go again, keeping your pain to yourself.]

He wiped at his eyes, "I have you," he reasoned.

"I'm not Eiji."

"You're Aki...And you're enough." After several more minutes of tests, he inhaled shakily and then released it with a heavy sigh. "I'm so tired, I'm gonna try to sleep."

Aki nodded and moved to her own futon which was now just inches from Ash's. "Please wake me if you dream again."

Ash sighed, "Alright." He pulled his blanket up to his shoulders and tried to sleep.

In the morning, dark rings decorated the typically pale skin beneath Ash's eyes. He couldn't seem to stop yawning as he tried on numerous kimonos. When he finally found one worthy of his money, he asked the store clerk if he could custom order it in white. She looked slightly scandalized and told him that was a very odd request. He assured her he knew that but wanted one all the same. She asked the owner for him but she refused his request. They found themselves in a similar situation at three additional stores. By the time they reached the fifth store, Aki and Ash were both exhausted and in low spirits. The fifth store owner was obviously wary of his request and this time Aki lost her temper.

[He just wants one in white! He doesn't want the blood of your firstborn! It's a color! We've been to five stores today and no one will make him the kimono in white. We came to Tokyo special for this order because no one in our hometown would make it. Our flight leaves in two hours and we need to order a white kimono before we leave! We know it's not traditional, but please, please, he's willing to pay whatever you ask, just make him one in white!]

Ash stared at her with his mouth hanging open like a cartoon character. He didn't expect she was capable of such a public outburst. The other customers turned to see what all the commotion was about.

[Is he marrying you?] The owner asked, genuinely confused.

Aki was taken aback. [No, he's marrying my so-] she stopped herself from saying 'son,' it wouldn't help anything. So she lied. [My Sora, he's marrying my daughter, Sora. White is custom for the males in his country, he's just trying to honor his own tradition.]

The store owner straightened up and his entire demeanor changed. [Oh! White is your tradition?]

Ash rolled his eyes but bit his tongue.

[Yes,] Aki answered for him.

[Hmm, strange,] the owner muttered to himself, obviously finding the custom strange. [Well, in that case, I can make you one. I charge 50% extra for custom orders.]

Aki gestured vaguely, slapping the sides of her legs in relief, [Thank you,] she said with great exasperation.

The shop owner pulled out a notepad and a pencil from behind his ear. [Can I take your measurements?]

Ash handed him a set he'd already tried on and liked. [This one fits perfectly. You can use the same measurements,] he told him, not so eager to have a random man measuring him in the middle of the store. The owner took the set from Ash and took down his personal information and payment details.

When they finally stepped outside, Ash and Aki had to hurry to reach their flight on time.

"Ridiculous," Ash huffed as they walked, heads down in the cold wind. "Didn't know you had that in you," he said more lightly to Aki.

She laughed, "Ha, oh, Ashu, we were running out of time and options, I had no choice."

Just like the one there, they barely made their flight back home. Miyuki kindly picked them up at their airport in Izumo. She excitedly asked for all the details and was disappointed when they answered her blandly due to utter fatigue. She was even more disappointed that Ash had forgotten to buy her a souvenir. Aki told her not to act so entitled. As far as she was concerned, no one should ask anything of Ash ever again. The poor boy kept so much inside and if they didn't see it first hand, they'd never know. He treated them all so well and it ate away at her that inside he was still tormented, sometimes beyond consultation. She made eye contact with him, as he sat in the backseat, through the rearview mirror.

[Ashu's exhausted Mi, don't berate him.]

Aki walked with him to his front door when they arrived at his house, telling Miyuki to stay in the car. "Will you be okay all alone?" She asked sympathetically.

"I'll be fine," he answered.

"Even tonight?"

Without Eiji. Without anyone.

He pursed his lips, "I think it was the hotel that sparked that memory. I'll be okay."

"But if you're not," she waved her phone for emphasis, "I don't mind a phone call at midnight...or 2 AM or 5 AM or ever. You can always call me, Ashu."

"Thanks, Mom."

"Come here," she outstretched her arms, "hug."

When Ash finally shut the front door behind him, Buddy danced excitedly beside him. Ash showered him with affection, talking in a baby voice and telling the dog how much he missed him. After several minutes, he dropped his shoes and backpack at the door. He walked into the living room and turned on the kotatsu. As it warmed up, he looked in the fridge for something to eat, but nothing looked good, so instead, he made himself a tea and grabbed a book and a blanket. He snuggled up under the warmth of the kotatsu and read for the remainder of the evening. He fell asleep at some point and awoke around midnight with half of his body numb from pressing into the floor for so long. Too tired to move upstairs, he took a few steps and landed on the sofa where he slept for the remainder of the night.

He dreamed that night of Dino. He didn't call Aki. Instead, he held Buddy tight to his chest, shed a few tears, and wished he could just be normal. When he fell back asleep his dream continued. Turns out Eiji is the remedy for his night terrors and without him, he was at the mercy of his own PTSD-ridden subconscious. Hit or miss, one might say. Mostly hit it seemed. After the second dream, he turned on a light and read until his eyes burned and the sun came up.

He made coffee and walked Buddy just to stay awake. He cleaned their already-clean house, even scrubbing the oven, and watched some shitty TV show about a murderous stalker whose actor somehow both over and underacted. He couldn't even finish the full episode. He took Buddy for a second walk and tried, but failed, to eat lunch. He started a new book that he soon cast aside. It was an interesting read, but his worried mind wouldn't let him focus.

He wasn't even sure what he was worried about. He decided it was just lack of sleep and lack of Eiji.

Around two he resorted to starting some giant 5,000 piece puzzle Max had sent him for Christmas of the New York City skyline. He listened to a true-crime podcast as he sorted the pieces. He was good at puzzles, though he wasn't sure if he'd call himself a 'puzzle person,' but it kept his mind busy and that he was grateful for.

At three, he heard Ibe's car door shut, a glorious sound that announced Eiji's arrival home. He jumped off the floor where he was assembling the puzzle and bolted to the window. Eiji was walking up to the house, trailing his luggage loudly behind him. Ash opened the door before Eiji could even find his keys.

"Eiji!" Ash practically screamed in his face, causing Eiji to stumble back a step in surprise.

Buddy barked excitedly.

Eiji smiled at the sight that greeted him, two very happy blonds. He wasn't actually sure who seemed happier to see him, Buddy or Ash.

Ash hugged him before he was even fully in the door.

"Thank God you're home," he muttered into his neck. "I'm so tired and hungry and I missed you so much."

Eiji chuckled and hugged him back. "What, you can't eat or sleep without me?" He asked humorously, unaware of the weekend he'd had.

"Apparently not," he said seriously as he buried his face deeper into Eiji's neck. "Please never leave me again."

Eiji couldn't help but smile. "Oh, Ash, you big goof. Next time come with me."

"I will." His muffled voice tickled Eiji's neck.

Eiji freed himself from Ash's grasp and closed the front door that was currently sucking out all their heat into the winter abyss.

"What do you want to eat?" Eiji asked him as he began to walk to the kitchen.

"Anything."

Eiji stopped in his tracks and gave Ash a smirk over his shoulder.

"Anything except natto," he clarified venomously.

Eiji laughed, "Fine."

Eiji, also exhausted from traveling, decided on a simple rice and curry. Ash practically clung to his side as he prepared it and Buddy danced at his feet, hoping to get some fallen scraps.

"How was Tokyo?" Eiji asked.

"Oh, Eiji, it was terrible," he whined. "I mean, there were some good things. I got what I went for and we got sushi with Dad…"

Eiji looked up from the curry he was making. "What went wrong?"

"Mom and I shared a hotel room and she saw me have a dream."

Uncertainty glazed Eiji's eyes. "Good or bad dream?" He knew both held disastrous potential.

"Bad. Oh God, I don't think I'd ever recover from good."

"Dino?"

"Marvin."

"Shit."

"I haven't slept soundly or really eaten since," he said openly.

Eiji frowned. "So you weren't joking? You can't eat or sleep without me?"

"Apparently not," he shrugged.

"Ash, that's not good. You should have called me. I would have-"

"That's exactly what I didn't want- you coming home early just for me." He stole the spoon from Eiji and began stirring the curry to occupy himself. "Iku-san says we're dancing a fine line of being madly in love and a codependent relationship," he looked up at Eiji with a face somewhere between a pout and a bashful smirk, "And she's honestly right. I need to work on it."

Eiji reached for a spice jar of ginger and added some to the curry. "Cut yourself some slack, Ash. Life has treated you so badly, you're allowed to live life however you want."

"She's right though, if anything happened to you, my life would be over."

Eiji glared at him as he placed the jar of dried ginger back on the spice rack. "Nothing's going to happen to me, Ash."

"But if it did…"

"But it's not. You don't have to torture yourself with such thoughts."

"Weird things happen all the time."

Eiji stole the spoon from him and tasted the curry. "More chili?" He offered the spoon to Ash who nodded upon tasting it. Eiji added more chili flakes. "Nothing's gonna happen to me. Come on, let's eat."

"But if something did-" Ash began, still not over the thought.

Eiji looked at him seriously. "Then Mom and Miyuki would take care of you. They'd make sure you didn't fall into a pit of despair."

Ash thought back to how well Aki had cared for him while Eiji was away. He supposed he was right. If anything were to happen, he wouldn't be left all alone. And Eiji was right, they were safe in Izumo, they'd successfully escaped tragedy.

Eiji portioned out their food and led Ash to the kotatsu.

"I'm sorry, Eiji, I'm in such a funk."

"I think I have something to help," Eiji said with a calming smile.

Ash raised a brow.

Eiji scurried excitedly from the table and ran to the front door where his still-packed suitcase resided. He returned with a small package wrapped in brown paper and string. He handed it to Ash.

"I got you something in Osaka."

Ash set down his chopsticks and accepted the package from Eiji. He gently pulled at the string, with one tug the bow on top unraveled. He pulled the paper away and was met with a hardcover book entitled Snow Country. He looked up at Eiji with a curious smile. For once it wasn't an early American author.

"I thought it was time you branched out into some Japanese lit." He popped a bite of curry into his mouth. "Reading in a new language is a good exercise for the mind. Plus, it's a beautiful story. I figured you could read to me, I haven't read it since high school."

The thoughtful gift momentarily lifted Ash's funk. "Ah-uh," he said in a sing-songy voice, "this one's in your language, onii-chan. Your turn to read to me."

Eiji blushed but agreed to read to Ash this time.

With the scent of curry in the air and the warmth of the kotatsu, they sat chatting and laughing about what had happened while they were apart, both so happy to be back with each other now. The evening ended under the warmth of their comforter as Eiji's soft Japanese voice read the story he bought Ash. While he was reading, his voice gradually became softer and slower until he nodded off. Ash chuckled and plucked the book from his limp hands. The bedside lamp dimmed and Ash slept soundly that night, so relieved to have Eiji beside him after only a few days apart.