Chapter Fifty-Seven: Mistakes Are How We Grow

Aki paused as she reached for a pair of socks. The pictures of Koyuki on her dresser caught her eye more intensely than usual. [Miyuki, you fool,] she muttered to herself.

She had to talk her daughter out of her crazy ideas. But it was a fine line to walk. Try too hard and Aki was worried she'd want to rebel, prove herself. But on the other hand, if she didn't try hard enough Miyuki may not see reason, go through with her plans.

Well, go through with it until she proposed it to Eiji and Ash. Aki was certain everything would stop there. But if she could help it, she'd stop it before it came to that. Because that wouldn't be an easy conversation for anyone involved. And Aki would do her best to spare them all that pain.

She grabbed a pair of socks at random, a pair of white crew socks with pale blue stripes. She tugged them on and slid her feet into her slippers of the same blue color. She pulled her hair from the neat bun she'd worn to work, tossing the rubber band into the glass dish on her dresser filled with hair ties and ribbons she rarely wore.

She shuffled out of her room. Shun was still at work and Miyuki was still dog-sitting Buddy. There was nothing to serve as a distraction inside the quiet home. Her conversation with Miyuki from yesterday had burned inside her brain all day. It was a conversation she had to keep locked inside. And after years of hiding her hurt about Shun from her children, she was an expert at keeping her emotions hidden. Still, she longed to tell Shun or her mother or someone, but it wasn't hers to tell. Ash and Eiji deserved their privacy. Miyuki should have never opened her mouth. Aki would make sure the secret stopped with her.

She texted Miyuki.

Aki

Come for dinner tonight?

Mi-chan

Making something good?

Aki

I always make something good.

Brat.

Mi-chan

Only kidding!

Of course I'll come

Aki

And stay awhile.

I want to talk later.

Mi-chan

*Mi-chan liked your text*

Sun streamed into the room through a centimeter-big crack in the curtains, striking Eiji directly in his eyes. He groaned as he woke, cursing the sun. But not for long. It had rained for the past two days and as soon as rational thinking replaced his sleep-laden annoyance, he was unbelievably happy for the sun's return.

He sat excitedly in the bed, smiling widely like a child on Christmas. He looked at Ash who was splayed out, a tangle of pale limbs and white sheets. The sun hadn't reached his eyes yet. His face was still serene, eyes moving ever-so-slightly under his pale eyelids, the smallest of smiles on his face.

Eiji wanted so badly to take his picture. It had been some time now since Ash told him to stop asking for simple touches or kisses, but he never said anything about pictures. Part of Eiji didn't think he'd mind. He reached for his phone on the bedside table, deciding he'd take a picture and delete it if Ash asked him to.

He kneeled on the bed to get the perfect angle of Ash sleeping in the early morning light like an actual Greek god. His hair might be messy, pale skin scarred with years of abuse, but to Eiji, he couldn't be more perfect.

He took a second photo.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," Ash quipped sleepily, never even opening his eyes, but feeling Eiji's stare.

"Ha!" Eiji laughed in surprise, "Good morning to you too!" He leaned down excitedly, bouncing the whole bed and pressed a kiss to Ash's temple, finally getting the blond's eyes to open. They shimmered in the morning light like diamonds. He sat back up and continued to stare at him. "Oh, and I did take a picture, by the way."

Ash raised an eyebrow, "Oh?"

"You just looked too perfect to not capture. But I'll delete it if you want me to."

Ash smiled softly. He reached out a hand, grabbing Eiji's shirt, and pulled Eiji down close to him. "You don't have to delete it, I don't care." He released Eiji's shirt and he returned to his seated position, leaning over Ash.

"There was a time when you would have."

"I think that time has passed."

"ERR ERR," Eiji imitated the sound of a buzzer, "Wrong! You've grown, healed. You did it, not time."

Ash smiled sweetly up at Eiji.

"Hey. That smile reminds me."

"Yeah?"

"You were smiling in your sleep. What were you dreaming about?"

"You."

Eiji wiggled his eyebrows. "Ah, good dream?"

Ash released a half-yawn, half-laugh, "Not like that."

"No?"

"Nah."

"What then? You looked so happy."

Ash yawned again, "We were in the library."

Eiji didn't even need to ask which one.

Leaning on one arm, Eiji smiled lovingly and smoothed the hair off Ash's forehead. "Mmm, that is a nice dream."

"About damn time, huh?" He yawned again and stretched sleepily. "For me to have a good dream."

"What were we doing there?"

"Waltzing."

"Waltzing?"

"In the Rose Room." He shifted lazily in the tangle of sheets, absolutely relaxed. "We were married there, in the dream. It was all decorated with lights and shit."

"Do you wish we were? Married there, I mean?"

Ash shrugged against the mattress, rustling his hair in the process. The bangs Eiji had just smoothed from his forehead fell back into his eyes. "Doesn't matter," he said casually. "It wasn't like it was even an option. Would have been beautiful but our wedding was beautiful all the same. Besides, I get to—"

"Get to what?"

"Nothing. It was so sappy."

Eiji's mouth curled in a smile. "But I like sappy."

"Promise not to laugh at me?"

"No." Eiji smiled more deviously. "I can't guarantee it. But I'll try not to."

Ash rolled over defiantly, nestling his face into the mattress.

"Awww, come on...tell me. Pleeaaase?"

"Uh-uh."

"Aw come on. I change my mind, okay? I won't laugh."

Ash rolled back over, eyes looking up at Eiji again. He raised a single eyebrow as if to say 'Promise?'

Eiji held his gaze with a silent 'Yes.'

"I get to spend the rest of my life with you. Loving you. I could've married you in a dirty back alley and still have been happy. It's you, not the place or the aesthetics."

The smile Eiji had been sporting slowly slid from his face as Ash spoke. "I wouldn't laugh at that, Ash." He twisted the ends of Ash's golden hair delicately between his fingers. "You don't know cuz I've never told you...but...I used to be scared— like really scared— that I'd never meet someone. Never fall in love." His face burned crimson. "Because— well, you know— I was so innocent and didn't know the first thing about love— well anything dating related. And for the longest time I— I just couldn't see that changing."

Ash smiled sadly. "It really bothered baby Eiji, huh?"

"Mmmm," he tilted his head in thought, "More like it really bothered eighteen-year-old Eiji."

Ash frowned. "Poor baby."

"Yeahhhhh," he sighed. "Eighteen-year-old Eiji was a mess."

Ash shrugged, "So was eighteen-year-old Ash. In fact, I've only not been a mess this past year or so." The corner of his mouth drew up in a smile. "So no judgment here."

Eiji ran his fingers through Ash's hair, gently untangling small knots that had formed in the night.

"And I never dreamed I would find someone like you," Ash said softly as he watched Eiji watch him lovingly. Eiji gazed upon him with love, not lust, or anything worse, like Dino had. His voice lowered into a whisper, "Never thought it was possible for someone to touch me so—" he leaned into Eiji's hand to make his point, "gently."

The beam of light that had been slowly making its way across the room finally reached Ash's face, closing his eyes involuntarily. Eiji couldn't help but chuckle.

"Laughing at my pain? After I just said how gentle you are? Wow."

Eiji smiled and leaned forward, his face hovering just centimeters from Ash's. His dark hair cascaded forward onto Ash's skin, creating a fortress from the sun. "Better?"

"Much."

Eiji closed the last few centimeters between them, kissing Ash gently. And when Ash kissed him back, Eiji kissed him a little less gently. And then with a little more heat. Because even though Ash had asked him to stop asking, he'd never really stopped. Sure, he no longer asked verbally, but he always started slowly, always gave him a chance to back out. Always asked with gentle kisses first. And Ash was smart, he knew. And it made his heart burn in the best way possible.

"Hey, Eiji?"

"Mmm?"

"I fuckin' love you."

From the fortress of dark hair colored carmel from the sun, Eiji chuckled as he stared down at Ash. A gentle heat crept into his cheeks, turning them red.

"I love you," Ash repeated. "I love the way you do that— ask without asking. I love how you know what I need without me saying— hell sometimes without me even knowing." He reached up, running a hand through Eiji's hair, briefly letting in sunlight. "I love how drunk Eiji is inconsolably horny but sober Eiji never lets on. No. Wait. I hate that."

"Ash— Come on, we've been over that."

"So?" And in an instant, Ash was moving, flipping their positions. Blond hair tangled with the sun, dangling over Eiji like streamers of gold. "Drunk you is just the you that you suppress. And I hate that you feel the need to do that." He planted a lingering kiss where Eiji's collarbone blended into his shoulder. "What do you want? Like what do you really want? You can tell me."

"Ash…" it was nothing more than a whisper.

"Seriously, Eiji. Anything you want, anything at all. Anything. Cuz as much as we try to forget, I've done it all and I can do it all again for you. Whatever you want, lovely."

"Ash, that's never been the point…"

"I know, that's exactly my point."

Eiji stared up at Ash, face as red as a fire hydrant.

With a bend of his elbows, Ash was off him, flopping back onto the mattress, face towards the ceiling. The bed creaked under the sudden shift in weight.

"Sorry."

"Why?"

"For staring at you like I'm a fuckin' shark and you're a minnow or whatever the fuck sharks eat."

"I doubt sharks eat minnows." Eiji smiled to himself. "Too small."

Ash huffed a laugh. "What about the game sharks and minnows?"

"What about it?"

"How'd it get its name if sharks don't eat minnows?"

"Don't ask me, it's your country's game not mine."

"Whatever. Point is you can tell me."

Things were easier to say to the ceiling, Eiji appreciated the space. Whether or not sharks ate minnows, Eiji had felt somewhat like a cornered animal only moments ago.

"Well…truth is… I don't really know, Ash."

"Don't really know what?"

"What I want to try. Or don't want to try for that matter. I know you hate how I phrase it but… whatever you want to give me will always be enough."

Eiji paused. Ash let him, not prompting him to say more. He knew there was something else wanted to say. It made him feel like Iku-san.

"And besides…you're the only person I know. I didn't even know what I liked until you."

Ash rolled onto his side almost involuntarily. His green eyes bore into Eiji's soul. "What do you mean you didn't know?"

Eiji rolled to face him as well. "What are you so surprised about? You didn't know either."

"Yeah, but I'm me and you're normal. And normal teenage boys—"

"Yeah, well I didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"Watch porn. That's what you were gonna say, right?"

Ash flipped back towards the ceiling. "Yup." The 'p' popped loudly. "That's what I was gonna say."

Eiji sat, eyes locking onto Ash's. "Are you being sarcastic?"

"No," he said sincerely. "It's just…hard to fathom. I thought all teenage boys did that shit."

Eiji continued to hold Ash's gaze. "And you?"

Ash's eyes broke away from Eiji's finding the window, pupils shrinking as they caught the beam of light that the sun was casting into the room. "No, Eiji, I was in them. I knew how it fucking worked— or at least a lot of it— there's no way I could ever watch that shit."

Eiji laid back down, arms folding behind his head, eyes tracing over the texture of the ceiling. "You don't have to be forced into the industry to know so much of it is fake. At the ripe age of 15— when I started high school— Mom sat me down and we had a talk." He chuckled at the awkward memory. "The most awkward conversation we'd ever had. One of my friends had been caught…and his mom was warning all the other moms. So Mom sat me down. Gave me the 'sex talk' and the 'don't watch porn talk' all at once." Ash chuckled, imagining how awful it must have been for both Eiji and Aki. Eiji's voice turned cold as ice. "And she explained what trafficking was. And how not everyone in the videos wanted to be in the videos. And even if they did…it still gave people unrealistic expectations. So I never watched it."

"Just like that?"

"Yeah. Everything she said made sense. It was a convincing argument and so I never did."

"And you probably had to keep that search history clear for the occasional surprise check, huh?" Ash asked, trying to insert some humor into the suddenly serious conversation.

"Nnnnoo. Mom wasn't that type of mom. She trusted me."

"Huh."

"Yup." Eiji breathed in deeply and released it slowly. "Anyway, the point is that I haven't been keeping anything from you." His head turned toward Ash to find him still staring out the window. "There isn't anything to keep, Ash. I love you and so does drunken me. Of course, he wants to make love to you. But it's not like I have some big fantasy that I've been keeping from you. You are the fantasy."

Ash rolled over. "Do you mean that?"

"Yes, Ash, of course I mean that." Eiji smiled sweetly, reaching out a hand and running it through Ash's hair. "Of course I mean that."

"And right now? Do you wanna make love right now?"

"Do you want my honest answer?"

"Duh."

"I almost always want to."

Ash smirked. "Yeah, I know. But I meant, like, right now. Like not theoretically. I was asking. More like 'can we' not 'are you secretly in the mood.'"

Eiji smiled as brightly as the sun. "Yes."

"Even though it's already ten o'clock and you wanted to go snorkeling today?"

"Snorkeling can wait til tomorrow."

"So you do too, then?"

"Do too what?"

"Want it to be an all day affair?"

"Isn't that what honeymoons are all about?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Then let's take our time."

"And the turtles and fish can wait?" Ash teased.

"The turtles and fish can wait."

"But you can't?"

"I can if you want me to."

"No, no, I wouldn't've suggested it if I didn't want to." A smile tugged at the corner of Ash's lips.

Eiji inched closer, barely biting back a smile of his own. "You're so gorgeous today."

"Only today?" Ash teased with a faux hurt plastered to his face.

The smile Eiji'd been suppressing cascaded onto his face. "Sorry," he kissed Ash with more tongue than could be considered innocent. "Extra gorgeous today."

Ash kissed him back. "That's more like it." Ash slid his hands under Eiji's shirt and decided to flip the script. "Love me, Eiji, however you see fit."

[Have you given it more thought?]

[Y— Yes.]

A plate clinked against a glass in the soapy water as Aki washed the dishes from dinner. Miyuki stood awkwardly beside her, drying each dish as her mother handed it to her.

[And have you come to a conclusion?]

[I'm— I'm not gonna do it.]

Aki tried not to let her relief show too much. [A fine line to walk,] she reminded herself.

[It was a stupid idea,] Miyuki said almost shamefully. [I don't know what I was thinking— I— I don't know…just stupid.]

[Not stupid, Mi-chan, just…] Aki paused trying to decide what exactly the thought was. [Just not thought through.]

Miyuki groaned. [It just— uhh, I don't know— seemed like such an easy answer.]

Aki willed her head to not whip angrily up from the dishes towards her daughter. She made sure her voice remained calm and even. [Easy on who, Miyuki? Certainly not you.]

[Y— Yeah. Yeah, I guess not.]

[Like I said, not thought through. Your intentions were good but…some things seem better in our minds. But you know what?]

[What?]

[Your timing was perfect.]

Miyuki's eyebrows creased as she stared at her mother with utmost confusion. [What?]

[I said your timing was perfect. Think about it, Mi. Can you imagine if you had found that letter before or even after their honeymoon? You would have voiced the idea to them, not me. That would be a mess.]

Miyuki's shoulders sank, releasing tension she wasn't fully aware had been there only moments before. [...yeah…] Miyuki sighed. [I just wanted to help.]

[I know. And I meant what I said yesterday…it is your decision to make.] Aki rinsed the final glass and handed it to Miyuki. She dried her hands on the pink and white apron she currently wore. [Miyuki.] Her daughter looked at her. [It's okay to have…not the best...ideas at times, as long as we reach the right conclusion in the end.] Aki smiled softly. [And you did. And I'm happy with the decision you've made. And now, it's best to let this settle and slip from our memory. Because we don't want to hurt Ash more than he's already been hurt.]

With the final glass dried, Miyuki set down her dish towel. Her eyes filled with tears. [I'm such an idiot!]

Aki wrapped an arm around her shoulders and used her other hand to cradle the back of her daughter's head like a newborn. [No.] She rocked Miyuki in her arms. [Not an idiot. You just made an honest mistake. Everyone's allowed to make mistakes. It's part of growing up.]

Miyuki let her head fall to her mother's shoulder, a few hot tears escaping her eyes.

The sun had long since left the bedroom, setting outside at an angle that painted the sky orange and pink. And so had every care in the world. Ash slept soundly on Eiji's chest as Eiji stared, with eyes glazed in thought, at the ceiling fan blades that travelled in circles around the room. Yesterday, surrounded by storms, all he wanted was to be outside under the hidden sun. But now, with Ash in his arms, fatigued from love, nothing else mattered.

The clock across the room told him the sun was setting outside. It was probably beautiful. It didn't matter.

His arm was numb where Ash's body cut off his circulation. He couldn't care less.

His bladder had been uncomfortably full for the past half hour. Like it mattered.

His stomach occasionally gurgled, asking for food. Let it starve.

The room could catch on fire and he wouldn't dare move.

The world could end and he'd die happy with his love in his arms.

And then Ash stirred, sleepy sounds escaping him. And suddenly the world was impossibly more beautiful.

Ash's eyes blinked open. Eiji's hands slid across the soft, yet scarred, skin of his back.

"You slept such a long time."

"Mmmm. Tired."

Eiji chuckled.

" 'Long 'ave you been," a yawn interrupted his words, "been up?"

Eiji shrugged. "40 minutes? I don't know, wasn't counting."

Eiji's stomach growled.

"Hungry?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna get food?"

"Not really."

"Why not?"

"I don't wanna get up."

Ash smiled against his skin. "Me neither."

"Besides, I'm not gonna starve to death in the next hour."

"I could order something."

Eiji's arms wrapped tighter around Ash, begging him to stay put. "No."

Ash smiled wider. "Eiji?"

"Hmmm?"

"Marry me?"

Eiji laughed. "I thought we'd be done with that joke now that we're married."

"Never." He sleepily kissed Eiji's chest. "Wake me up when you wanna get," he yawned again, "food." Ash's eyelids fluttered closed.

Eiji smiled and let his eyes follow Ash's lead.