For Chapter 59, I put together a quick little photo-based piece to try and capture a quick flicker of what the "purple" fire might look like against the Wakandan night sky. Please check out this chapter on Archive of Our Own to see the art!
Simply search for: "KLeCrone Ao3 Winter of the White Wolf"
Winter of the White Wolf
Chapter 59 - Metacognition and Magic
The high outcroppings of Primitive Peaks changed over the years, oblivious, or perhaps willfully resilient to the violent throes of the surrounding world. Here, nature persisted. Even as mortals and those that claimed themselves to be gods fought with against innumerable extraterrestrial threats, the land held firm.
Ayo had once been told that sometimes technologies could appear so advanced that fresh eyes might easily confuse science with magic. But Ayo saw true magic that day, long ago. From afar, she could only watch in shock as a cascade of white-hot energy burst down from the heavens, shattering the air with arcs of blue electricity that spread out across the savannah. For a moment, she could not understand what she was seeing, but soon she realized the man who once claimed to be the god of thunder had joined their fight, harnessing plumes of lightning at his call and command. The tendrils of energy wreaked havoc on those fighting against them, but somehow they knew to leave Wakanda's allies unscathed.
When Ayo thought she had seen everything, her eyes widened as powerful crimson-tinged forces were wielded by the outstretched fingers of a woman on the field of battle as if they were merely an extension of her fiery will. It was not as if she was unaware of intel surrounding Thor or Wanda Maximoff, but seeing them in person, seeing what they could do in person could not have been further from the pockets of information she'd received from their War Dogs over the years. Once, Ayo held private distaste in her heart when she'd learned that Wanda had been in some way responsible for the deaths of numerous civilians, as well as eleven relief workers from Wakanda during an 'Avengers' mission gone wrong in Lagos, Nigeria. But on the day that would become the Battle for Wakanda, Ayo saw only a woman trying to protect the man she loved, and allies she cared greatly for. It had a way of humanizing her in a way that was sweeping as it was swift.
Even though Ayo could not easily explain the origins of the brightly-colored magics she saw on bold display across the battlefield below, she knew it wasn't time to question such discoveries. She and her Dora and the King's Guard needed to keep Shuri safe so she could work.
They did what they could, fought with tooth and claw, but a short time later, a single, unseen act would confirm the existence of magics so advanced, that a silent wish for half of all sentient life to disappear could be granted at merely the snap of three fingers.
Ayo had not seen the fabled "snap" of the Mad Titan, but she'd certainly felt the emptiness left in its wake. In the timespan between two heartbeats, she watched in horror as Shuri, Nomble, and a number of nearby King's Guard fell away into scatterings of dust.
It was a waking nightmare, a true horror so gripping she was unsure she would ever truly shake what she'd seen with her own eyes that day.
Yet as grief gripped her throat, the natural world quietly strove to move forward. The scars left upon the Earth during the Battle for Wakanda were harsh and deep, but the surrounding plains, mountains, and woods remained oddly pristine, untouched. Natural places like Warrior Falls and Primitive Peaks became sacred sanctuaries that housed distant histories of those that fell in battle alongside memories of the countless souls that had seemingly vanished into the unknown.
In those long years, Ayo regularly returned to this spot when she sought out a moment of respite. It was a strange thing, to be in a familiar place, surrounded by the songs, sights, and smells of the rich wood, and to be able to feel as though if she only closed her eyes and meditated as she had countless times before, things might be right in the world again when she opened them.
But the harsh reality was: if she listened hard enough, she swore she could make out that the melodies of the surrounding birds were softer, and stifled with loss and confusion over what had become of their kin.
They could not have understood the cause for their distress, but they knew it all the same.
Over the passing years, Ayo could feel their songs become rich again, but they weren't the same songs she remembered from before the Decimation. Their cries did not fill the void of what they'd lost. They'd simply changed.
So had she.
During those long, hard years, Ayo found a need to ground herself. It became evermore important to keep her mind from wandering too close to emotions that would serve her no purpose other than to pull her under. She needed to remain strong for those around her, even when she felt anything but.
So sometimes what she liked to do when she was alone on the mountain was to imagine that those that had vanished had simply stepped away to be with the ancestors. That they were not in pain or distress. They were all together, King T'Challa, Princess Shuri, Nomble, White Wolf, and countless others. They were among their loved ones, accompanied by all manner of birds and other creatures that had vanished with them. Even some of those goats White Wolf had taken great effort to individually name.
But above all else: Ayo wished to imagine that they were safe, and they were not alone.
Many days, it was immeasurably hard, even painful to imagine such pleasant things. But Ayo kept hope alive in her heart that those she cared about were well, and that even when all seemed lost, there was hope yet to see their faces again, and for a true reunion.
It was not as if some fraction of these thoughts hadn't made their way into her mind over the passing day, but particularly in the hours since Shuri and Sam had joined them, some part of her that once lay fractured within her since the Decimation felt more whole. More complete. Even though her heart still ached to see Barnes's mind in such a strange state, she found that it no longer caused her palpable distress as it once did. Odder yet, she no longer felt the need in the moment to delve into why that was. Instead, she simply appreciated it. That as she sat on the cool grass, breathing in the sweet scent of mountain sage, watching Nomble toss colored powders onto the heart of the bonfires to spark them to life in vibrant tapestries of new hues… that she reminded herself she was somehow alive and listening to voices she once thought she might never hear again.
And that was enough. Enough to push aside her mind's penchant for questions.
Enough to make her believe in true magic.
Barnes sat at attention inside the shield as Yama and Sam debated between the next music selection. The man's blue eyes were attentive as he watched and listened, carefully gauging the warm, encouraging smiles of those around them. The mere sight of such simple things put Ayo at ease in a way she wasn't sure she'd experienced in so many years.
It was as if the combination of scenery, the earthy scent of campfire and simmering herbs, and cheerful voices intermixed with the occasional song had a way of making her feel many things at once. But by-and-large they were good things. Welcome things. Emotions that made her feel whole and connected to those around her, strange as their present situation was. But as the night drew on and hours passed, she found herself surprised by how easily the group had fallen into a rhythm of sorts.
Initially, she'd pegged it as a return to the dynamic she and her Dora had established the night before, but that wasn't entirely accurate. Sam was a newcomer to this makeshift gathering of theirs, as were Shuri and Barnes in their own ways. Yet even under the calmest and most secure of possible circumstances, it was not normal protocol to sit on the grass with her Lieutenants or Shuri and play games, critique music, or share photos, videos, or open dialogue about all manner of topics, many of which under other circumstances, Ayo might've politely dissuaded.
Instead, questions asked from under the stars above were met with frank and remarkable honesty, regardless of Barnes's claim to be able to know if those around him were telling the truth or not. (If there came a time Ayo could discuss such matters with James, she found she would very much like to know if he had intentionally neglected to mention such key details of his capabilities.) That being as it was, Ayo found it was not so much that Barnes was naive or child-like, but that he didn't grasp it was a break from established decorum to ask Princess Shuri for personal details on why she'd shown interest in 'their friend's'" case, or inquired if Nomble had seen the Smithsonian. And those questions had a way of leading to other questions, and though many were composed of rote facts Ayo already knew, they had a way of carrying a far different weight when those around her answered from the heart.
Barnes's questions shined light on topics Ayo hadn't thought to ask. Questions about each of Yama's siblings and their names and pets. He asked about Sam and what it was like in Louisiana, and where else he'd lived, and how those places compared and contrasted with Washington D.C. He wanted to know more about Nomble and what stories she'd read recently, and in what languages. And unlike so many conversations that arose only out of well-meaning platitudes, Barnes remained engaged with every word that was spoken, as if he was intent to better understand each of them and round each individual out as living, breathing people whose lives extended far beyond what he saw in front of him.
It was strange, but it was also wonderful to be met with so much genuine interest.
"What is that instrument?" Barnes asked when Shuri's playlist shifted to a more percussive track, one that Ayo recognized as a 'Shuri staple' from the years before the Decimation. Songs like these, ones Ayo connected to particular souls that had vanished, sat differently with her when they were absent from this realm. They were twinged with a melancholy undertone she had sometimes sought out, as if afraid that if left unchecked, she might lose the connection entirely. Might forget those she continued to fight for. Their faces. Their voices. The songs that brought out a smile and drew them to life.
And now? Hearing the melodies again while being surrounded by the many faces and voices she connected the songs to… it had a way of offering a salve to a wound she didn't know she still possessed. It renewed the music, refreshed it. Sculpted the interplay of instruments and voices to be sharper, more textured and triumphant.
"What's the instrument that makes that rattling, high pitched sound?" Barnes specified from where he sat cross legged on the grass. He tapped a measured finger in the air to the beat of a shimmery percussive accompaniment.
The question was the latest of many, and it'd become a game of sorts to see if Shuri, Nomble, or Yama were quickest to pull up a visual display to showcase and explain the unseen instrument hiding behind his latest inquiry. This time, Shuri beat them to it, producing a holographic handled rattle above her palm, "I believe it is an Axatse. A percussive hand instrument. It is a gourd rattle that is surrounded by a woven mesh threaded with beads."
"They are made from hollowed calabash," Nomble supplied from where she was seated next to Shuri, "Traditionally they are dressed with Job's Tear seeds."
"Now you are just showing off," Yama remarked as she flopped lazily in the grass next to Barnes, surrendering that her challengers had beaten her to the answer.
"If I wanted to show off, I would have mentioned that I have seen the performers in concert on three separate occasions."
Nomble's teasing remark got a smile out of Shuri, who made a quick gesture with one hand to 'toss' the blue-tinted holographic overlay in Barnes's direction so he could inspect the replica of the instrument for himself. He 'caught' it in midair and drew it close to his face as Nomble added for Yama's benefit, "The seeds on the percussionist's axatse are white and purple. If you were curious."
In response, Yama tossed a handful of loose grass in Nomble's direction.
The childlike retort earned her a bark of laughter from Shuri and a genuine grin of amusement from Sam Wilson, who remained inside the shielded orange dome with Yama and Barnes. Over the passing hours, Sam's posture had slowly shifted from tight and guarded to what one might consider genuinely relaxed. He sat on the grass with his long legs extended and crossed at the ankles while he used his arms to prop himself up. Contrary to what Ayo'd gleaned from their admittedly limited interactions, he had a surprisingly easy going manner about him when he wasn't on the verge of distress. Especially once he'd opted to change out of his uniform and into a more comfortable set of civilian clothes from within the privacy of the Royal Talon, it was easier to see him less as one of the many mantles he bore, and more 'Sam Wilson,' who was now becoming a friend to them irrespective of his close ties with one 'James Barnes.'
Sam sent a short whistle through the gap in his front teeth as he watched Barnes close his hand around the instrument's holographic handle before giving the intangible object a decisive shake. The interaction produced a short shimmering sound as the strung ethereal seeds jingled pleasantly against the gourd's dried husk.
"I'm betting concerts here are a whole experience, what with tech like that," Sam said with every ounce of admiration for the interactive holographic fabrication on display in front of him.
"I'm sure many share a great deal in common with your 'Coachella,' depending on the performer," Shuri admitted.
"Wait… you've heard of Coachella?"
"Of course I've heard of Coachella," Shuri mocked offense, "I'd hoped to attend in person in 2019, but…" she rolled her slender fingers, "...alas… Perhaps in a future year, when there are not five years of developments to catch-up on."
From where Yama laid out across the grass, looking up at the stars, Ayo's Lieutenant volunteered, "Ayo bought you tickets."
Shuri cocked her head and she looked between them, "Tickets?"
"During the Decimation," Yama clarified, making a decided effort to avoid Ayo's accusatory gaze, "So you might attend if and when you returned. She did not want you to miss out."
Ayo hadn't expected so much attention to be focused on her all at once, but it was Shuri's face she sought out first, as if by reflex, "...You had expressed interest in attending. It seemed fitting to ensure you would be able to attend, if you wished."
When Yama opened her mouth to speak again, Nomble stretched out one foot across the energy barrier and tapped it against Yama's heel, as if prompting her sister Dora to keep her next comment to herself.
Ayo didn't think Shuri saw the exchange, for her princess's eyes were focused on her alone, "'Twas a very sweet sentiment. You did not tell me."
Ayo shrugged self-consciously, unsure when and how the conversation had turned to focus so decidedly on needlessly sentimental actions she'd taken during the Decimation. She knew she did not need to explain herself, that the expression cast on Shuri's face was not mocking or condescending, but immensely empathetic.
…Which was likely Yama's underlying reason for remarking on the topic to begin with.
Rather than linger in emotion and focus on times of grief and confusion, the kind smile on Shuri's face widened, turning wicked as she actually elbowed Ayo and added, "I am sure it will be a suitably relaxing bonding opportunity we can look forward to in the future."
"It is not equally relaxing for all involved," Ayo politely corrected her.
Shuri tutted her tongue, "That is because last time we traveled beyond Wakanda, you opted to bear the mantle of responsibility yourself."
Ayo hoped the Princess could read the glower in her expression, "It is is more accurate that the one I was tasked with guarding felt it necessary to challenge my resolve at every opportunity," a pause, "my Princess."
Shuri's smile only widened.
"I would willingly volunteer my spear to be of service to such a noble cause," Yama remarked.
"For Coachella?" Nomble mused.
"There have been worse postings, I am sure."
It was obvious her Lieutenants were enjoying the exchange, as was Sam, who grinned and shook his head.
"I still don't understand the logistics of how half of all sentient life could just… disappear for five years and then suddenly return," Barnes remarked. His tone was even, and not accusatory. While broaching the topic of the Decimation hadn't been an easy, it seemed wrong to conclude it was safer to leave him in the dark about those five years. Now, at least, he could understand that they were not missing simply because of HYDRA or a failure in his own mind, but because he shared an experience with half of all other people, even if he could not remember it.
"No one should be able to wield such power," Shuri agreed, "But as far as the logistics? It remains beyond the scope of even my understanding. I am just glad that in the end, the Vanished returned, and the Mad Titan was defeated."
"...But doesn't that mean he could come back too?"
Ayo straightened as Barnes continued speaking, "You said that the first snap made people and animals go away, and another snap brought them back. Doesn't that mean that he's in the in-between place too?"
Shuri opened and closed her mouth once, but it was Sam that spoke next, "...Without getting into details, we're hoping that was the last of that. But at the end of the day, we don't know. Not for certain."
Barnes frowned and nodded, as if understanding the social cue to table the subject for the time being, but Ayo didn't miss that Shuri glanced her way, as if the stated concern had a way of lingering over her thoughts as well. Was it premature for them to assume he was gone for good? Ayo wanted to think that era of their lives was in the past, but Barnes's statement was not naive.
As if self-conscious about the impact his question had upon the collective mood of the people surrounding them, Barnes turned his attention to Sam. It was clear to Ayo that in the passing hours, Sam had come to accept that the man beside him no longer intended him harm. If anything, it was as if Barnes was genuinely trying to seek out new connections with him. Which explained why, after inspecting the holographic hand rattle and tapping it twice in rhythm to the music, Barnes offered the projection to Sam as if it were a token of friendship.
Sam leaned forward and accepted the replicated instrument without a moment's hesitation, rolling it around in his hands and listening to the shuffle and ting of the seeds against the gourd's hollow core before passing it back to Barnes, "You'll have to go over how all this holographic tech of yours works sometime."
It was clear to Ayo that Sam's question had been intended for Shuri, but it was Barnes that replied, "The shield's systems are set to actively scan the nearby area, so even without additional localized augmentation, they are able to account for tracked movement and simulate the behavior of a tangible object." His tone had a way of seeking to be helpful rather than condescending.
The man beside him raised an eyebrow and shook his head in what Ayo interpreted as polite disbelief, "...Y'know, It's still wild how well you understand this stuff."
"It's not that complicated," Barnes reasoned.
"Now you're just being a smartass."
"Says the one asking how interactive holograms work."
While Sam sputtered a retort, Ayo found herself momentarily marveling over how the man sitting across the energy barrier from her was the same person she and her Lieutenants had spent the day with, but now he was more as well. More layered. Nuanced. Open. A part of that was undoubtedly credited to the realization that the burden of the code words had been lifted from him and clear assurances that Sam was safe and well, but there was more than just that. Barnes didn't smile, didn't show pleasure outwardly, but it was readily apparent that his continued interactions were far more than simple call and response. He wanted so desperately to engage with and understand the people around him and their overlapping social cues.
But even as he showed genuine enthusiasm for subject matter in his own subdued way, sometimes Ayo found herself wishing that for a moment, just a beat of a hummingbird's wings, that she might see joy expressed on that same face again.
It was a selfish thought, and an unrealistic and unfair one at that, but she acknowledged it all the same. She sat with the uneven feeling as she did with so many stones when she was younger. Letting the emotions it drew out settle around her like fine dew. As she pseudo-meditated, listening to Sam defend his solemn honor regarding his experience with technology while Barnes rolled his eyes and used his nearest hand to toss another log on the fire, Ayo realized that the fact that he was alive, and that she desired to see him happy was genuinely enough. That the frustration she'd once felt towards James, and even Barnes, had burned off hours ago, leaving an odd calm of compassion in its wake.
As the music shifted around them yet again, the group fell silent, collectively gauging Barnes for a response, for hope of familiarity or emotion. It was strange and wonderful each time he focused on those first few precious notes. This time, he keyed into a swelling, upbeat melody strung from a swooning upright piano.
No one spoke. It was as if they were worried a single sound might spoil the moment or shatter his willingness to share if anything in the siren's call of the speakers churned familiarity in him.
This time, though, he didn't ask about the name of the song, where or when it was from, or who was playing it. He simply breathed and rolled his fingers in-tune to the notes.
He didn't smile, but Ayo found he didn't need to. There was something latent in his complex expression as he saw fit to remark, "I know the notes to this! Like a language." Without hesitation, he was compelled to turn to Ayo and Nomble specifically and add with emphasis, "They didn't teach me this. I think they tried to take it away, but they couldn't."
Ayo didn't need to ask who 'they' was.
There was pride in his statement, but it was more than that. Some buried part of Barnes wanted them to share the private joy he felt at the revelation before him, and Ayo felt it reverberate deep in her core.
"They couldn't," Barnes firmly repeated, triumphant. He strummed his fingers over unseen ivory keys before realizing he could pull up a holographic interface to project piano keys like the ones he saw in his mind's eye. And as he did, as his digits rolled over them, no one breathed a word.
It wasn't a complex song or a bold arrangement, but as Ayo watched his fingers move in-time with the music, she saw someone she knew settle into the moment. As he did, she found herself remembering the times she'd watched him play at the piano in Nomble's home, usually joined by other helping hands that breathed the music right along with him.
But this was the first time Ayo had the opportunity to see him play with both hands.
Nomble must have felt it too, because Ayo saw her thread her fingers together in thought, in memory.
Yes. This was more than enough.
By the time another song or two had passed, seated figures had made way to mostly lounging forms settled into the sprawling grass so they could better see the stars and their stories sparkling high above. "I'm surprised you didn't ask what Coachella is," Sam observed aloud.
"It's a yearly music festival in California," Barnes noted.
Sam sat up, incredulous that the may laying beside him would be privy to such casual details, "...How the hell would you know about that?"
"Natasha Romanov mentioned the event in passing when she was critiquing your taste in music. In Washington D.C."
At the mention of the name, Ayo immediately turned her attention to Sam. He swallowed hard, taking a grounding breath before responding with a much softer voice that'd lost any sense of joy or banter, "Didn't realize you'd overheard any of that. With Nat, I mean."
The details on what had become of Natasha Romanov remained an oddly guarded secret. Ayo suspected Okoye knew more about the details, but it was not her place to ask simply for the sake of childish curiosity.
"...Did your friend know her, too?"
There was something heavy that poured over Sam's expression, but before he could answer, Barnes backpedaled his question, clearly realizing he'd unintentionally broached a sensitive subject Sam was uncomfortable pursuing, "...I… …I didn't know. You don't need to–"
"It's alright," Sam concluded, "Just wasn't expecting her to come up is all." He took another deep breath from where he lay on the grass and folded his elbows to either side of his head, "We ran together for a while. With Steve, I mean. A little bit with Wanda too. But I didn't get the impression she was well acquainted with Bu– our friend, beyond when their paths overlapped now and then. She died back in early 2023. During that Decimation we talked about earlier. I wasn't there, 'cause I was dusted right along with you and half of everyone else, but Nat apparently made a sacrifice play to help get the rest of us back." Sam absentmindedly rubbed his fingers together beneath his neck as he added, "You would'a liked her, I think. Was a shock to step out from all that and find she just… wasn't there. From where I was standing, I'd seen her just moments earlier." Sam's face drew tight as he snorted lightly, "When we finally got a handle on what was goin' on, I expected we'd see her with the others as we ramped up for round two against the Mad Purple Titan, but it just wasn't in the cards."
A heavy silence followed, one where it was obvious Sam worried he'd said too much, on a subject matter that was far closer to his heart than Ayo might have otherwise expected.
She recognized the quiet, private grief in his voice clear as anything. The type of loss that time and simple platitude don't erase.
Maybe that was why Ayo chose to speak out of turn, hoping that even though her words might not offer him closure, that they could perhaps be of some solace, some understanding on the years he had not seen firsthand. "She kept in close touch with Okoye and myself during the Decimation," Ayo did what she could to keep her voice respectful and her head held aloft to the skies above as she spoke, "She even visited Wakanda on a number of occasions. She bore a mantle of unwavering leadership with grace and determination, even in the wake of the Mad Titan's wrath. There were many that chose to move on. She was not one of them. Our lives are credit to her unwavering resolve. Each breath we take honors hers and those that gave their all in pursuit of what many considered merely a yearnful dream." Ayo turned her head towards Sam, adding seriously, "She did not give up."
The dark skinned man across from her met her eyes and took a deep breath, as if he was trying to collect all his emotions in the back of his throat before finally clearing it, "Hadn't even occurred to me you two would'a talked during that time. It tracks, I just… hadn't thought about it. About that." He turned back to the stars overhead, as if trying to escape the glistening in corners of his eyes. "That's a nice thought, though. That she got to know some of you. Got to see these stars too." He held air in his belly for a long moment before adding, "Thanks for tellin' me about that. About her."
Ayo inclined her head, and glanced back to where Barnes lay on the ground listening to their exchange. She suspected he was out of his depth trying to parse the subtle nuances of their exchange, but it was obvious he was trying all the same. His next words weren't what Ayo expected.
"…I remember her." Barnes kept his voice soft, "From before D.C., I mean."
Sam turned his head towards him, "What? You do?"
"From 2009. She was escorting a mission objective."
Shuri kept her head forward but her eyes briefly flashed to Ayo's, asking without words if she remembered James making any mention of this.
Ayo did not.
"...She'd said she was trying to get a nuclear engineer out of Iran," Sam volunteered. "And while she was in Odessa, someone shot out her tires, forcing 'em off a cliff. The way she told it, after she'd managed to pull herself and that engineer out, the Winter Soldier took a shot through her side to take down the engineer."
"She wasn't my mission," the words were simple, straightforward, but there was something in the way Barnes chewed his lip that spoke to him trying to piece together. "I recognized her. I think so, at least."
The proclamation had a way of changing Sam's expression yet again as he sat up, visibly confused, "-Wait. Wait. I'm not following. You mean now you recognize her from… whenever you saw her back in my place in D.C. in 2014 as that woman you saw on your mission in 2009?"
Barnes shook his head, visibly struggling to piece together the tatters within his own mind, "No. When I saw her in 2009, I recognized her, or something like it. I didn't know from where, or when, but I… after I was certain my mission objective was eliminated I… left."
"Wait, you knew you didn't kill her?" Sam's voice was incredulous, "You knew? She always made it sound like she was just collateral damage. That you'd left her for dead."
"I recognized her. Not in the same way as Steve, but I'd seen her before. She hadn't been part of the mission. I…"
"-You let her live. On purpose?"
Barnes frowned, that familiar, troubled expression returning to his face, "I… maybe?" he shook his head, "I don't know. I was wiped after the mission, like all the others. "
Sam cringed and quickly waved a hand, as if trying to dismiss the somber, and remarkably uncomfortable mood that'd suddenly permeated the campsite, "It's okay, Barnes. We don't need to dig into any more of this tonight. All I can tell you is what you said is news to me. I dunno if Nat or Buck just never mentioned it, or if they didn't know either. That's a long time ago."
Ayo caught Sam's slip-up in referencing James by name, but it didn't appear to generate any sudden animosity in Barnes. He simply sat planted where he was and slowly reached across his stomach to touch a spot beneath to the side of his navel, "I didn't shoot her in the side," he corrected, "I shot her here." His fingers trailed near his stomach as his face deepened in palpable confusion. It was as if he put something together in his head when he added in a voice barely louder than a whisper, "...Like where I shot Steve."
He didn't say the rest out loud. He didn't need to. Ayo could feel the weight of so many thoughts lingering in the smoke-hazed air. Chief among them was that the Soldier did not miss. Did not pull punches or wound when he intended to kill.
He was taught to leave no witnesses.
The man before her was many things, and it was by his own admittance that he claimed some portion of those actions as his own. It now seemed ever clearer it was less a case of HYDRA operating him as a waking marionette, and more that his mind had been horrifically altered and conditioned to not only obey, but to truly believe that what he was doing was right in the moment.
Ayo could not imagine what it must be like to come out from such a traumatizing experience only to realize not only the innumerable ways that you had been betrayed, but the ways in which you had been manipulated into doing the bidding of others without fully realizing the impact of those actions.
How desperately Ayo wished to insist that it was admirable he'd been able to fight back at all. That the blood on his hands wasn't a damning point of personal failure.
And how much she wanted to tell White Wolf that she was sorry for so much, including for not seeing and acknowledging this buried part of him for what he was, for there was truly strength to be found, even in the darkness and confusion.
Ayo tried her best to search out something to say. It was not right to offer the ailing man before her breadcrumbs of accolades for once choosing to spare Steve or Natasha, or even Sam or Shuri's own lives when so many others had fallen by his hands. It was clear the guilt of these actions was not lost on him, so it seemed wrong to prompt him to dwell on such cruel things. So Ayo offered simply, "We are here with you now."
Barnes lifted his head at her words. Though he furrowed his dark eyebrows and adjusted his jaw, Ayo got the distinct impression he truly heard the sentiment laying between the quiet spaces of her words.
The frustration behind Barnes's statement sat with Ayo long after he showed interest in returning to inquiries about obscure instruments, what tea was best in the evening, and other lighter subject matter.
It was not as if she was unaware of the many atrocities inflicted upon James, but once he had first arrived in Wakanda, it was easy to imagine at least some of those nightmares were truly in the past. James knew none around him intended to wipe his mind or forcibly strip him of memories or a sense of self. They spoke frequently of risks surrounding Shuri's work, certainly, but all understood his best interests remained of paramount importance, even when his mind was not well.
That was likely why it made it hard for Ayo to stomach the guilty expressions Shuri's eyes sometimes made when she thought no one was looking. How the princess clung tightly to the belief that in some way, it was all her fault that the man before them was not whole. He didn't need to place blame at her feet, because the fire of responsibility was something she grasped with both hands and refused to let go of, even as she finished setting up a cot on the far side of the camp in preparation for turning in for the night. "Are you sure you do not wish to use a mat with more padding?" her princess inquired for not the first time as she looked towards where Barnes settled himself atop a sleeping roll inside the dome. Nomble tended the fire nearest him while Sam fluffed his pillow a short distance away, carving out a space for himself among the Dora's bedrolls.
"I'm fine."
"And you prefer a haptic cue from your Kimoyo Beads as an alarm over an auditory alarm?"
"A cell phone set on vibrate served as a reliable alarm when I was in D.C." Barnes's bright eyes glanced to Ayo, as if for private confirmation, "I'm a light sleeper."
That was one way of putting it.
"And you are in agreement on our intent?" Shuri insisted, crossing her arms in an attempt to not allow her guilt to manifest further.
"Sixty minutes at a time max, which should ensure I am in one of the three stages of NREM sleep, as opposed to the fourth stage, which is REM sleep. Under normal circumstances, REM sleep is achieved at or beyond the ninety-minute mark," Barnes noted, repeating key details in an attempt to ensure that he was abundantly clear about the plan and its underlying intent, "Last night, my scans showed that REM sleep occurred at ninety-three minutes in, which you said is in-line with historical data on your friend."
Shuri furled her brow, "If memory serves, it was longer than that, it was closer to one-hundred and–"
Barnes cut her off, "My measurement subtracts the time I was feigning being asleep."
"You much teach me that too!" Yama called from across the other side of the camp.
Ayo shot her Lieutenant a disapproving look while Shuri lightly rolled her eyes, "At or beyond ninety minutes is considered standard for when REM sleep first enters the sleep cycle. Evidence suggests that your mind is not an exception to that particular natural biological rhythm."
Of course, just as Shuri confirmed his statement, Barnes thought to helpfully add, "You are aware this modus operandi does not cause me undue distress, correct? It was considered standard operating procedure under HYDRA. It was found to be suboptimal to let me enter deep sleep, because it often meant that I would need to be wiped upon waking in order to be made mission-ready."
Sam flinched as he lowered himself onto his bedroll, "…I hate how matter-of-fact you are about all that."
"It's not like I had a choice," Barnes responded, quicker than perhaps he'd intended.
Ayo caught Shuri's cringe at the exchange, but she wasn't the only one. It was an expression mirrored by nearly everyone around her, "...It does not bring me comfort to know we are denying you a deep and restful sleep, even if our intentions could not be further from those who once harmed you and held you captive."
Barnes lifted his chin and breathed in and out slowly, holding her gaze as he regarded her. His focus on her was unwavering, and as the firelight danced off the skin and stubble of his angular face, Ayo felt certain he was trying his best to see her too. To meet her halfway, even if some part of him was still timid of those that considered themselves doctors and scientists.
Eventually, he spoke, "I wouldn't have agreed to any of this if I still believed you were working for them. I don't understand it," he admitted, "but I think you're trying to help me, too. Even in the dream I had, the one you said was from 2016, you didn't treat me like a thing. Like a project or a weapon. I couldn't grasp what you were doing or why. It wasn't my place to ask. But now and then you'd touch my arm. Here." Barnes slowly ran his vibranium hand over the exposed skin of his forearm, "I didn't understand the meaning behind the gesture. I couldn't. But… it was meant to provide comfort. Reassurance." His eyes dipped and turned to Ayo, "Like your words. You said I was 'safe and among friends,' that you wanted to set my mind right again."
Barnes slid his black and gold hand down his arm, over his wrist and his Kimoyo Bead strand, and let his fingers fidget idly against one another, betraying how hard he was working to turn his thoughts into words. His eyebrows folded together and his eyes met Ayo's as he added, "I remembered your name. It… wasn't supposed to work like that. But I remembered."
Ayo's breath caught in the back of her throat at his admittance. She could tell it was important to him that she knew, and that she recognized it as being a private detail that he now freely volunteered. Something so specific, so poignant that even White Wolf had never mentioned it to her in so many words.
While Ayo struggled for language to form a suitable response, Shuri spoke from where she sat atop her padded cot, "I'm relieved you no longer believe we intend you harm."
Barnes searched out each of the faces surrounding him before returning his attention to Shuri, "...You've repeatedly put yourselves in danger to try to help me." His face tightened, "I still don't understand it. Why. But… thank you."
Ayo could not recall Barnes choosing to use words of thanks before, but he wielded his statement with the utmost precision, letting there be no doubt that he deeply appreciated their efforts for what they were. And in that moment under the stars, surrounded by the rich, earthy scents of the natural world, Ayo felt he saw them. Not as strangers, but as friends he longed to know better. And the sight of it pressed upon her heart and lifted it.
A warm smile returned to Shuri's face, "You are welcome. Have you decided how many sessions of short sleep you would prefer?"
He considered the question for only a moment before returning the question back to her, "How many sessions would you suggest?"
"You are still recovering from grievous injuries," Shuri reasoned aloud, "I would suggest nine or more sessions. Your body, like ours, benefits greatly from slow-wave sleep. Stage 3 of NREM sleep is when it most efficiently repairs and regenerates tissues."
"Then I'll do nine."
Shuri inclined her head at the wisdom of his decision before Ayo finally found her voice again. It was raw with more emotion than she intended, but she pushed through it, "We will take shifts as we did last night to ensure that someone is awake at all times, and that your haptic alarm properly alerts you well in advance of when you might enter REM sleep."
"I have shared the data stream you set up with the shield's systems last night so we can more easily monitor your vitals as well as what stage of NREM sleep you are in," Shuri noted.
"You should…" Barnes began. He directed his voice to Ayo, "...It would probably be safest not to have anyone in here with me when I'm sleeping."
"As a precaution, we will not," Ayo confirmed. "I will take the first three shifts with Shuri and Sam, to ensure our chosen methods are effective, and that you have ample opportunity to critique if there are improvements that can be made for your comfort."
Barnes nodded agreement to her terms before cautiously inquiring, "...Is there time for a few more songs until then?"
"There is always time for music," Sam declared, immediately pulling the replacement cell phone Shuri fashioned for him out of his pocket so he could retake the helm of the speaker controls.
The volume on Sam's chosen track was significantly louder than Ayo might've preferred, but as a vocalist loudly declared 'Ay, you ready?' she decided to let it slide. This time.
Ayo caught Nomble mouthing the lyrics as she got to her feet to take up a guard's post near Shuri's cot, discreetly tossing some hued powder in the nearest bonfire as she did. The fire blossomed blue and purple, casting sparks of colored light into the night sky before the flames settled and burned brightly, renewed.
Her Lieutenant's apt decision to take up guard for Shuri freed Ayo to lay her head back onto the cool grass so she could listen more closely to the American hip hop music accompanying the familiar sight of the night time stars dancing overhead. Nearby Barnes asked Sam a barrage of follow-up questions about what they were listening to, while Yama stood up and brushed herself off before stepping towards their makeshift 'kitchenette' area so she could make a pot of honeybush tea.
"Be careful you do not burn the water!" Nomble teased from a short distance away.
Yama retorted by swiftly sticking out her tongue in a show of remarkable Dora Milaje-level maturity. She really was milking that 'free pass' of hers for all it was worth.
It was a strange combination of sights, scents, and sounds, but Ayo found no need to dissuade any part of the cultural exchanges she observed, even the ones she pretended not to see.
Being there with everyone, being truly present in the moment… It was its own type of magic.
[Full Image of Chapter Art, featuring a purple-tinted campfire tossing bright blue and purple sparks into the Wakandan night sky, by me (KLeCrone)]
For Chapter 59, I put together a quick little photo-based piece to try and capture a quick flicker of what the "purple" fire might look like against the Wakandan night sky. Please check out this chapter on Archive of Our Own to see the art!
Simply search for: "KLeCrone Ao3 Winter of the White Wolf"
Author's Remarks:
I hope all of you had a wonderful week and change! I just finished up another bout of intense overtime coupled with a hard drive failure this week (arugh!). But in the wake of all that… I also got promoted to Lead Artist on the video game I work on, which is really exciting! It's wonderful to be recognized for the work I've been doing on that front, and here's to hoping that in the wake of that news, my team and I can also scope down some of the work so I can get away from these cycles of intense overtime altogether! I have stories to write, and personal art to create, after all!
- Ayo and the Decimation - Even with all these Disney+ shows and recent movies, I'm still feeling a bit underwhelmed about how so few have tried to approach the immense grief and gravity of the Blip/Decimation. This chapter felt like an appropriate time to delve into some of what Ayo went through, and how unexpectedly the present situation around her has offered some amount of peace to that long-time wound.
- Bonding - It's wonderful giving these six folks the opportunity to bond and banter with one another. I'm sure it's been a long time coming.
- Coachella Tickets - I thought this was such a perfect callback to Shuri's line in Black Panther, as well as an example of something I'm sure many people did during the Decimation. That idea of wanting to honor the Vanished, and hoping they would one day return. ❤ Also Yama is a sly one.
- Thanos…? - I can't be the only one out there that realized the "defeat" of Thanos wasn't necessarily final, on account that he'd been snapped too…
- Barnes and a Song on the Piano - The feels…
- Natasha - Makes you wonder, doesn't it….? Likewise: I really appreciated the opportunity for Sam to be supported by people around him regarding his own grief. That man deserves that and so much more.
- TFATWS Song Reference - …Any chance you happen to recognize the song Sam wanted to show Barnes at the tail end of this chapter…?
I wanted to spend this chapter focusing on some of these nuanced conversations and reveals before we dive into dreamland, because even though Barnes isn't due to have any deep dreams, that doesn't mean other people around him won't….
Thank you once again for joining me on this journey! I can't thank you enough for all your continued support and kind words of encouragement. They truly help keep me fueled during these wild times. :)