I hope all of you have had a wonderful week! Today marks the one-year anniversary of "Winter of the White Wolf!" It's been a wild ride so far, and I can't thank you enough for all of your support, and I can't wait for everything that's ahead!

I've been hard at work on what was originally quite a long chapter (with an accompanying piece of art) before coming to the realization that I had a few story beats that would actually be better served by breaking them out into smaller parts.

Of course the moment I came to *that* realization, I became aware *this* chapter wouldn't have any art to accompany it, and so… I went and remedied that too… ;)

For Chapter 60, I created an emotive painting of Barnes. Please check out this chapter on Archive of Our Own to see the art!

Simply search for: "KLeCrone Ao3 Winter of the White Wolf"

Winter of the White Wolf

Chapter 60 - Stars Nestled Between Branches

Eventually there came a time when the firelit night grew long, and the six stalwart figures lounging around the encampment realized one-by-one that it would be wise to turn in and get some much-needed rest, especially since an uncertain future awaited them.

While Ayo arranged shifts to ensure that at least one Dora Milaje was always awake to keep watch over Barnes and his carefully prescribed 'cat naps,' Shuri made it a point to debate the merits of a prolonged and uninterrupted rest with Sam, who stubbornly insisted he should be given a chance to maintain vigil as well.

"It is only because of my blessing that you are not in a recovery room in the Design Center now," the Princess's tone was no-nonsense, and Ayo found it held a hint of sibling-like 'tough love' that her charge often skillfully wielded against her brother. "Your body is still recovering from your injuries and would greatly benefit from an extended rest. But if you wish to portion your sleep rather than listen to experience and reason, then at least travel back to the Design Center where I can have someone perform further regenerative work and utilize the follicle stimulator."

Sam folded his arms defiantly, but by the smile on his face, Ayo could tell he wasn't actually considering taking her up on the offer, "So you're telling me you'd let me take that ship of yours for a spin, then?" He made a point of inclining his head in the direction of the Royal Talon parked nearby.

Shuri puffed out a breath of air, "Hardly. You have a pair of perfectly good vibranium wings, have you not?"

"Oh, that's how it's gonna be now?"

"It is. And do not think I will be disinclined to inform your sister of your choice if I do not find it favorable."

A beat. "...You wouldn't…"

Shuri shrugged easily, "When last we spoke, she asked me to let her know if she could be of aid in your continued recovery. Talking her younger brother–"

"-Older brother."

Shuri waved a hand dismissively to his defiant need to mince words over the peskiness of relative ages due to the wake of the Decimation, "-Talking her ox-headed brother towards a wizened plan of recovery remains a viable and potentially entertaining approach."

Barnes thought to throw in his lot to the ongoing conversation, "Get some sleep, Sam. Just because I have to play it safe doesn't mean you need to be a martyr."

Shuri smirked boldly at that, and Ayo was fairly certain she saw Yama stifle a laugh.

"...Did you just seriously call me a martyr? Me?"

"There are other words I could have used," Barnes pointed out as he rearranged his blankets.

Sam looked across the camp to Barnes with a look of disbelief, "Wow, Barnes. Wow. Do me a favor and remind me of this the next time I'm feeling nostalgic for when you were giving me the silent treatment."

"Yours was a fine quip, Barnes!" Yama cut in from where she was settling in her bedroll.

"Don't encourage him," Sam half-complained, but he finally chose to acquiesce to Shuri's suggestion with a manly pout, "Anyway, fine. You win. I'll tap out for the night. You both happy?"

"If you choose to stay asleep so that your body might continue to recover, yes," Shuri agreed.

"And no photos while I'm sleeping."

The princess's grin only widened.

Ayo was quick to notice that the tone permeating their watch had changed greatly from that of the night before. It was difficult to believe that not a day ago, Sam remained at the Design Center with Shuri, and in between questions of Sam's continued care and safety, Barnes found every reason to look for cracks in the armor of those around him. And now? Now he had broken bread with them and learned his mind was once again his own. In the wake of that hard wrought discovery, he actively sought out connection with them.

It was not as if Barnes's mind was well, but their continued guard no longer felt like a solemn vigil over a conniving prisoner set on escape. While it was foolish to ignore the underlying threat he posed, Ayo did not believe he sought to misdirect them. They were at-once aligned in their desire to help him, and though it was difficult to explain why, she did not think the seed of trust growing between them was misplaced. It was fragile, yes. It could be easily broken, but the core at the center of it all was no longer bitter.

So as each figure around the campsite took turns to settle in for prolonged periods of slumber while others kept watch, there was graciousness and goodwill that accompanied their parting tidings. No longer was it worry and discontent that drove their actions, but an undercurrent of unified hope that when next they woke, they would each be able to pick up from where they left off, Barnes included.

The plan Shuri formulated to limit him to one-hour cycles of rest and waking in order to try and stave off the possibility of losing further memories appeared to be effective. The haptic alarm he'd set around his wrist reliably woke him at each set interval, and Ayo was relieved to see that he was rarely disoriented for more than a few seconds, and that both his mind and memories appeared stable.

The original protocol might have been for him to answer a few questions before setting a new silent alarm so he garner further sleep, but Ayo found it curious how compelled he was to seek out conversation with them whenever the opportunity presented itself. It had a way of reminding her how for so much of his life, he'd been forbidden not only simple pleasures like desirable food and drink, but simple conversation. Human connection.

When he stirred himself awake from his fourth period of short-rest, all in the camp were fast asleep except for Shuri, Ayo, and Nomble, who was scheduled to monitor his next three sleep cycles. Together, they watched as the man lying peacefully inside the shimmering orange energy dome took a deep breath and slowly sat up, looking around him as he got his bearings and took inventory on who was currently awake nearby.

When his searching eyes fell on hers, Ayo found herself reminded of Yama's comment, that James had once referred to her as his 'indawo enamanzi amaninzi,' his 'Oasis.'

Did the man before her feel it too?

Oddly, she no longer found it distressing that she could quickly identify that it was Barnes that woke from each session, and not James. That a part of her placed value in this familiarity too, complicated as it was.

Barnes stretched once before efficiently working his fingers into a quick gesture with his right hand to toggle off the silent alarm from the Kimoyo Beads before rubbing his hands over his stubbled face in an attempt to more quickly rouse himself. Rather than wait for Shuri's pre-prepared questions, he turned his attention directly to her, "Did you catch that on any of that on the monitors?" His voice was concerned, but not distressed.

Without delay, Shuri's fingers went to work as she expediently played commands over her open palm before tossing her hand toward the shield projected between them, prompting a fresh readout of recently recorded brainwaves to propagate brightly on the blue-tinted holographic display, "That you were dreaming again?"

At his nod, she continued, "You woke from Stage Three of NREM sleep this time, but as I have told you, it is wholly normal." Shuri assured him before inquiring, "Did these dreams contain any new memories?"

He frowned and shook his head, shifting in place so he could face them without having to turn his head. His blue eyes may have been a bit guilty when he glanced in Ayo's direction, "No. Not that I can remember, at least. It was mostly just replaying stuff from yesterday. With the code words. I…" He shifted uncomfortably, but as was becoming increasingly common, he didn't need to be prompted to continue to share his thoughts, "...I didn't realize how disconcerting it would be to actually know what they are after all this time."

"It is evidence they are no longer active," Ayo felt compelled to clarify.

He adjusted his jaw and nodded in response as Shuri spoke, "Dreams may occur in both REM and non-REM sleep. When you are within the second and third stages of NREM sleep, it is typical for recent memories to be replayed, or to find your mind focusing on simplified ideas. It is REM sleep where dreams become more complex and immersive, activating and interacting with additional areas of the brain, leading to far more elaborate dream experiences."

Ayo could tell her Princess was doing best to simplify her thoughts into something palatable for those that did not grasp the immense intricacies of the brain with nearly as much ease and grace as she did. Yet even now, there were bits and pieces Ayo caught that cast Barnes and his experiences into a new light. For one: She wasn't aware that denying him REM sleep would mean that if he dreamed, those dreams were liable to be focused on replaying recent memories.

But to his mind: what constituted 'recent?'

Shuri stepped towards the dome to look over the readouts while she casually unzipped her embroidered orange vest in preference for revealing the standalone sleeveless black and grey bodysuit underneath. Like Ayo, Shuri was scheduled to rest once Barnes began his next sleep session, and Shuri would undoubtedly find it more comfortable to rest in that bougie cot of hers without that brightly zippered vest of hers. Ayo saw her Princess make a distasteful face as she noticed the not insubstantial dirt marring the rear of the vest, however. It was clear evidence of the many seated positions she'd taken up on the damp grass, and while Shuri didn't say anything out loud at the discovery, she sent Ayo a measured look of pointed betrayal that no one had thought to point out such a fashion faux pas to her over the passing hours.

It was not that Ayo hadn't noticed, it was only that she had not felt it not prudent to point out such a personal matter, especially when the Princess herself had chosen to wear such flashy clothing to a remote mountain location.

…Gods and Goddesses, was Yama's humor rubbing off on Ayo? She certainly hoped not.

Ayo pushed the considerations aside as Shuri folded the sullied orange vest over one arm and kept her voice low so as not to wake Yama and Sam, who were resting nearby with the custom earplugs she'd provided accompanying the voice-dampening field to help ensure a good night's rest. Shuri turned her body so that it was open to Barnes as well as Ayo and Nomble, as if she found it prudent that they all understood her, "Scientists have long thought that when someone enters into REM sleep, the recent memories they experienced during later phases of non-REM sleep may also trigger more remote memories. There are some who theorize that perhaps this seemingly random initiation of deeper-seated memories may be what leads the brain to be inclined to form the more complex connections, and the sorts of ideas we typically associate with REM dreams. There is also growing evidence that REM sleep specifically is what helps to consolidate our memories."

Shuri waited a moment and searched out the faces of those listening, carefully evaluating when it was suitable to continue speaking, "Traditionally, many find it convenient to think of sleep and wake as two discrete states of consciousness, but it is perhaps more apt to think of each of the four stages of sleep also being unique states of consciousness that thread into one-another alongside the decided consciousness of our waking mind."

Barnes leaned forward as he considered the implications of her claims, "So you're saying the phases of sleep are interrelated, and that what normally takes place in REM sleep – which is the phase we're trying to specifically have me avoid right now – is thought to come about from connections to the other phases?"

"It is a theory," Shuri agreed, "That the non-REM phases may act as jumping off points for deeper and unexpected connections."

"...So does that explain what you think happened with your friend?"

Ayo watched as Shuri straightened her shoulders, growing alert at his inquiry, "What do you mean?"

There may have been a time where Barnes would have considered backtracking his words, but his mind had apparently latched onto something, "Well, you're saying the various phases of sleep are unique states of consciousness too. That the early phases usually focus on recent memories, but those non-REM phases and connections feed into one another, so when someone finally enters REM sleep, their brain's already primed to activate more remote memories."

Shuri's demeanor visibly shifted. No longer did she hold her body with the poise of a genius striving to use simple words to be understood. Instead, she met Barnes's attention with intense, resounding focus, "You are correct. But how do you believe this directly relates to what happened to our friend?" Shuri's tone held an element of pointed confusion Ayo was not used to hearing from her the prodigy. It had a way of making Ayo feel suddenly far more alert than she had in hours.

"Well, you said they are usually unique states of consciousness. But in the video you showed, the one from back in the lab, wouldn't that have meant he was in at least two or three at the same time?"

Ayo didn't know what to make of the disjointed expression on Shuri's face but her Princess grasped onto the conversation with both hands, "Not explicitly so. He was fully conscious at the time of the trials I performed. Being within multiple states of consciousness at once should not be possible."

Ayo could hear the lack of conviction in Shuri's voice.

"But the cortical stimulators," Barnes touched each of his temples where Shuri's appliances had once been, "they artificially generated rapid eye movement, right? So, biologically speaking, you skipped the initial phases that would have usually been in place before natural REM sleep. The stages that would normally act as launching-off points for whatever comes after. But unlike all the other times: this time he wasn't asleep. He wasn't fully awake either. He was interacting with you while in a state of dreaming. Maybe that's why it was closer to an Ukuphupha, like Ayo said?" He furrowed his brow and glanced back to his right hand, as if still trying to recollect just what he'd seen in his palm in the times he'd glimpsed what he called the Dark Place. "Maybe it's not supposed to work like that, on a brain that isn't damaged, I mean. But something happened."

Shuri frowned and found it prudent to begin to rapidly pull up further scans at an increasingly frantic pace. Yet Ayo found the expression cast over her face was not relief at having been given a critical clue to put them closer to solution, but the pain of guilt and concern laid bare in the firelight. "Nothing you are saying is explicitly wrong, it is just… what I did should not have produced the results we have seen. It was meant to offer a possible pathway from waking consciousness back through to more remote memories. Specific memories. Starting with a relatively recent memory from the snows of Wakanda that was both pleasant and benign."

Nomble glanced to Ayo, picking up the quiet, mounting distress in their Princess's voice.

Barnes's eyes lifted to Shuri, but there wasn't anger in them, "You were hoping that maybe it was possible to backtrack to regain access to those memories. Like repairing a broken circuit. But I don't know if it works like that."

"...Instead, it appears to have inadvertently untethered existing connections," Ayo found herself speaking aloud.

Shuri cringed at Ayo's words, but did not deny them.

The light of the fire rolled as silence filled the space between them. Eventually the flurried motion of Shuri's fingers slowed when no easy solutions presented themselves. Only more questions.

Barnes was first to speak, "For what it's worth, I don't blame you. For what happened, I mean. For any of this. You were just trying to help. You couldn't have known just asking some questions would have that kind of effect."

"I ran extensive simulations," Shuri confirmed, visibly frustrated with herself, "But this was not among the possibilities I accounted for."

Barnes shrugged, but the motion of it was so easy it was almost dismissive. He must've learned it from Yama, "But I don't remember before that, though. I'm not discounting the possibility that maybe at some point I did, but…" he adjusted himself and got more comfortable, as if he was perhaps trying in his own way to diffuse the guilt that threatened to swallow Shuri up whole. "Look at it from my perspective: Out of the blue, I went from being asleep on a rooftop in Washington D.C. and woke up here, only to eventually find out someone somehow figured out a way to yank out the worst of the shit HYDRA stuffed inside of me. Not just the hardware, but the stuff they'd wired into my brain too. The things that made me an obedient weapon to whoever knew the right words."

He swallowed, but forced himself to continue, "And I can't remember you pulling all that out. And at the end of the day? I'm not sure those are memories I even want or need. After the other night, I remember enough about the other stuff. Their stuff. And I don't think you're them." He took a deep breath and licked his lips before he found his voice again. There was a newfound intensity to it, "And I don't know what happens from here, but for the first time since I can remember, my life doesn't feel like a dead end. Like I'm just buying time until the next asshole finds me."

His eyes lifted to first Shuri, then Nomble, and finally Ayo, "I got to wake up last night, and every time tonight, and the first thing I saw were faces of people I fought against the other day. And for whatever reason, even after everything that happened, after all I did, they still want to help me. All of you are looking at this like some kind of setback. And maybe to you it is, but to me, this…" his voice wavered and briefly faded off as he searched for what he wished to say. When he finally spoke, his words were softer, and somehow more personal, "I don't ever remember having any of this. Not really. So it's hard for me to understand where you're coming from. But I'm trying."

Ayo felt it prudent that he knew his candid words were not lost on them, "We know you are."

Barnes nodded, before a short warbly snore briefly punctuated the darkness, and Barnes's attention briefly turned his head to where Yama was sleeping a distance away. A few steps away from her, Sam's chest rose and fell, oblivious to Yama's nighttime serenade.

Barnes's attention lingered on them as he spoke, "I just… I wanted you to know if something happens and whatever's left fades away too, if it gets drowned and locked out for good because of all the stuff HYDRA did to me over the years… that… I've made peace with that." His eyes lifted to Ayo specifically, as if he was freshly reminded of the oath she'd placed at his feet, "But I don't want to hurt anyone like that again."

There was something in the way he said it that was unmistakable in its gravity and heavy implications, and Ayo felt it to her core. She knew what he was getting at, what he could not speak aloud, but a dire responsibility he now entrusted to her, specifically. A request he'd perhaps even sought to make when Sam and Yama were both asleep.

Ayo raised her chin as she regarded the man in front of her. It was not the first time that same face had sought reassurances that she would do what was necessary to act in his best interests and keep others safe when he could not, but this oath was different from the others. The words she'd spoken before were wrapped in the understanding that she might be forced to raise her spear against the Soldier, an activated entity of HYDRA's cruel design. But this promise Barnes now sought of her… it was with full awareness that he felt responsible for his actions, and feared if the time might come again when he would be compelled to harm others he didn't recognize. Couldn't recognize. That there might eventually be nothing left of who he once was beside raw instinct.

Ayo swallowed hard and made a fist with her left hand and placed it snugly across her chest. She held it there a moment, watching the firelight reflect across his eyes before she opened her lips to speak. When she did, her words were a promise she made to Barnes, and Barnes alone, "I will not let you hurt anyone."

He held her gaze until he was satisfied she'd understood the dire importance of his request, and only then did he nod and add, if a bit sadly, "Hopefully it doesn't come to that. But at least either way, I'm glad I finally got to know what it was like to breathe free."

He spoke the words with conviction, and though they could be the salve that would wash away the complicated guilt Shuri felt and Ayo shared, they had a way of offering a soberingly unique view of the strange existence Barnes inhabited. Surprisingly, it was not nearly as troubled as Ayo's mind made it out to be, "I hope you have many more days ahead where you can breathe free. Many more sunrises and sunsets."

Barnes didn't smile, and Ayo wasn't sure he was even capable of doing so, but there was something remarkably peaceful in his expression and the private struggles he was willing to put aside so he could be present in the moment, "And stars too." He glanced skyward, "No one ever told me there were so many you could see all at once, or that they had so many stories."

Ayo caught the whisper of melancholy drift across Nomble's expression. It was evident she and Shuri both grasped the gravity of their exchange and sought out proper words that suited the candor of the moment. In the end, Shuri chose simplicity of purpose, "I share Ayo's hope, and I will continue to do everything in my power to make it so we can build many more memories together." A tight, self-conscious smile crested over the corners of the princess's lips, "I hope that if more dreams find you, they are pleasant and restful."

Though Shuri's remark was directed at Barnes, the princess's eyes had a way of turning to Ayo, as if they sought out hope for Ayo's dreams too.

In the wake of Ayo's newest oath, she knew that it was hypocrisy to insist that others sleep soundly while she kept watch, but it would not be the first or the last time she would choose the ideals of duty over wisdom.

It was not as if she thought her Lieutenants were lax or incapable in their responsibilities, but a deeper concern remained deep in her gut, coaxing her into the belief that she was somehow uniquely suited to ensure Barnes was properly monitored, and that she should be ever at the ready if he suddenly woke and was unduly distressed. She knew it wasn't a wholly logical instinct, that it was valuable for her to seek pockets of uninterrupted sleep too, but she found it difficult to allow herself to step away, especially when an uncertain future awaited them.

It was only after she shared two more uneventful shifts with Nomble that her quiet Lieutenant managed to negotiate that like Sam's hands, Ayo's recently mended leg would be best served by the many benefits of deep and rejuvenating sleep too. Eventually Ayo gave into Nomble's thinly veiled criticisms and found her way back to where the others in the camp were fast asleep, Shuri included.

While Barnes dozed uneventfully inside the glowing orange energy shield, Nomble kept watch and used her slender hands to sign a message to Ayo while she fussed with the pillow beneath her bad leg and did her best to get comfortable. 'If anything unusual happens, I will wake you immediately,' Nomble promised before adding, 'Good night, Ayo,' rather than signing out the letters, Nomble smiled and chose to use the shorthand James had conscripted for Ayo's name, the one that was a blend of 'stubborn' and 'rhino.' 'I hope pleasant dreams find you. Thank you for helping guide our Lost Wolf back to us.'

Ayo hadn't been anticipating any words of thanks from her Lieutenant, so it took her a moment to formulate a response. When she did, she watched the silent gestures from her hands play over the fine strands of undulating grass like living shadow puppets, 'I hope to one day hear you tell the tale of our Lost Wolf and how he came to rediscover his Pack Bond.'

Nomble raised an eyebrow in Ayo's direction and smiled, 'He is not the only one to rediscover such bonds,' Nomble made a point of gesturing to those sleeping nearby, as if indicating all of them by proxy. 'One of us ought to choose a proper shorthand for Samuel's name as well. He is part of our story now too.'

Ayo caught the tremble in Nomble's fingertips, and she wasn't sure if it was the day they'd had, the uncertain future, or the silent language they spoke in that prompted her to add, 'I am relieved you had the opportunity to speak to James and clear the air between the two of you before this happened.'

Nomble's firelit features folded together as her eyes remained steady on Ayo from across the camp, as if she sought to peer directly into Ayo's thoughts, 'It was fortuitous timing, but my heart is lighter for it.' Nomble paused a moment before adding, 'I hope you are granted a similar opportunity. It has been a remarkably long time coming.' Nomble briefly flourished a hand to the sky as a storyteller might, 'But I maintain hope that the story of the Lost Wolf I will one day tell all who will listen will have a happy ending, even if it contains far more twists and turns than I might've preferred.'

'I look forward to it,' Ayo signed back. 'And I hope you rest well when next you slumber. Thank you for your watch.'

'You are welcome, but do not think I did not notice I did not get the weekend off that I had planned, my Chief,' Nomble gently teased.

Ayo snorted and waved a dismissive hand in her Lieutenant's direction. In response, Nomble's smile broadened and she dipped her head before turning her full attention back to where Barnes remained fast asleep.

Satisfied, Ayo took care to remove the rigid pieces of her armor and put them aside before wrapping a patterned blanket over herself. As she settled, she worked to get comfortable and bid her overactive mind to stop worrying for things she could not change and a future she could not know. When sleep did not quickly find her, she gazed up at the bright, star-cast sky and willed herself to drink in the tranquility of the moment. Of the scent of the coddled fire and mountain sage, the feel of the fresh air playing across her hands, face, and head.

After a few minutes, Ayo fine-tuned the electronics within her earpiece towards not the allure of complete silence, but to stifle out the worst of Yama's incessant snoring, alongside the future sounds of any hushed nearby voices. She found she longed to still hear the crackle of the nearby fires and the wind playing among the night wood. They offered their own comforts, and though Ayo wouldn't admit it to herself, she hoped her choices might propel her towards an unremarkable and dreamless sleep.

But once Ayo finally closed her eyes and surrendered to the sweet allure of rest, her mind slowly drew upon memories from long ago...

[Full Image of Chapter Art, featuring a profile view of Barnes superimposed with the imagery of a ring of trees encircling a star-studded night sky, by me (KLeCrone)]

After I divided up the text of this chapter into some more bite-sized pieces, I felt compelled to make a piece of original art for this chapter, and ended up trying to chase an idea sort of like those double-exposure photograph pieces I've seen now and then.

I wanted to try and capture some of the idea of laying on the ground and being surrounded by trees, branches, and star imagery in relation to Barnes and where he's currently at mentally. It's a bit different from my usual stuff, and I hope you like it!

For Chapter 60, I created an emotive painting of Barnes. Please check out this chapter on Archive of Our Own to see the art!

Simply search for: "KLeCrone Ao3 Winter of the White Wolf"

Author's Remarks:

I hope all of you have had a wonderful week! Today marks the one-year anniversary of "Winter of the White Wolf!" It's been a wild ride so far, and I can't thank you enough for all of your support, and I can't wait for everything that's ahead!

I opted to break out these scenes since I really wanted us to have a moment to percolate on not only the broad "brain stuff" (I can't tell you how much I'm trying to tow the line between the intersection of real-life science and science fiction here!), but also the idea that even with all that's going on, from Barnes's perspective, a lot of the really recent stuff has been… net-positive. He went from waking up in Washington D.C. every day in pain and fearing the worst, to… this. This strange sense of community he can hardly understand, but can see as clear as anything. And him choosing to let Ayo know, in so many words, that if things go bad with his mind and his memories and she needs to stop him, permanently, that that's okay… oof!

In any case: Here Barnes was, just hoping he could see one more sunset, and instead, he's found himself surrounded by the surprisingly warmth of people that genuinely care about one another, and him as well. ❤

I enjoyed the opportunity to show Shuri and Barnes teaming up to combat Sam being unnecessarily stubborn, Ayo innocently reflecting on the mud on Shuri's orange vest, Ayo's new pledge to Barnes, and Nomble and Ayo sharing a short chat that I hope has a way of showcasing the ever-evolving relationships between so many of these characters.

Next up, we will be diving into Ayo's dreams, and we will slip into a moment left unexplored in the MCU as well as in this story so far… :)

Thank you as always for your support, comments, and kind words! I can't wait for you to see what's up next, and I'm hoping to have it out sooner rather than later, too!