A/N: The onslaught of angst continues!
I've gotten a few questions regarding the story, I'm hoping that this chapter at least starts to answer some of them! It's my first time posting a story like this; usually, when I write, I go back and edit the beginning one thousand times, but I obviously can't really do that when it's already public. Y'all have definitely pointed out some things I would have done differently, or said differently, and when I go back in the future and inevitably rework this whole story I'll keep it all in mind.
That being said, I do believe all questions will be answered now or in the near future.
Chapter 12
I woke to the sound of my little sister's shrill voice permeating through my bedroom door.
"Good morning, birthday boy! Time to rise and shine!"
I groaned, rolling over and pulling the covers over my head. I didn't feel much like celebrating. I hadn't in a while.
"Wakey wakey!" Alice's little fist was pounding on the door now. "I spiked your coffee! First legal drink, big brother! Come on!"
The temptation of alcohol was the only thing that had gotten me out of bed. I was fucking exhausted, plagued, once again, with dreams of my birthday two years ago throughout the night.
It was graduation. Bella had been gone for two months, and the pain she left in my chest only gotten stronger every fucking day.
She was all I could think of as I walked across the stage towards my diploma and the rest of my shitty life. Was she graduating today, too, down in Phoenix? Was her mom there to watch her walk the stage, or was she facing the same parent-less fate as I was on that wretched day?
Of course, I never expected Dad to show up. At least Alice was out there in the crowd, though I swore her applause was much louder when her boyfriend Jasper walked the stage.
None of that mattered, though, because as the Graduation March rang out from the low quality speakers in the back of the auditorium, the only thing I could hear was Bella's voice keeping time with the music; "I love you, I love you, I love you."
I loved her, too.
I ripped my bedroom door open to face my overly enthusiastic sister. Her big blue eyes were dancing with excitement as she handed me the aforementioned spiked beverage. I took a long sip, waiting for the onslaught of her excitement. It came quickly.
"Okay, so, tonight we're gonna go to Mac's Tavern, yeah? Jazz recommended it. We'll have to take the El to get there, but that's fine. I'm bringing a bottle and Jazz is gonna bring some beers in his backpack, you know, so we can drink on the train and-"
"Alice," I groaned, pushing past her to head towards the bathroom. "Can I at least take a piss before we go through the fucking itinerary?"
She laughed, following close behind me. "How bout you piss, and I'll just keep talking?"
The evening's itinerary was recited to me as I peed, washed my face and brushed my teeth. We would meet up with Jazz and his sister Rosalie before heading around the block to pick up Emmett, who had been officially dating Rose since right after graduation. Afterwards, we'd head towards the El train, where we'd meet up with Mike Newton.
"Why the fuck did you invite Newton? I don't even like him." I complained.
"He was the only other person who said yes."
"No fifth wheel. Got it."
Alice rolled her eyes, but her familiar pity was still there.
Unsurprisingly, in the two years since High School had ended, I had lost touch with a lot of my old friends. Jazz, Rose and Emmett were a constant, of course, if not only for my sister and her adamance for me to spend time with them when they hung out. If it was up to me, I'd probably be living in my bedroom, alone, if not swinging from a rope tied to my ceiling fan.
Okay- maybe that was fucking dramatic. And I was grateful that Alice forced me to keep in touch with my friends, really. If not for them, I would have lost myself completely after Bella's sudden departure.
All of that to say- I'm used to being the fifth wheel, but appreciated Alice's effort, regardless.
When I finally made it past my sister and the wall of words she was spewing at me, I got downstairs to find Dad shirtless on the couch with a beer in hand.
"Hey-o! Happy birthday, son!" He cheered, clearly fucking wasted, despite the fact that it wasn't even ten am.
"Yeah, thanks." I grumbled, moving past him and into the kitchen. I poured a little extra liquor in my cup of coffee before heading out to the porch for a smoke.
The sight of her house across the street was still fucking painful to look at. I ached for her father, Charlie, too; I knew he must have been lonely without his only daughter there with him. She never came to visit, either, as far as I was aware. And I was well fucking aware of anything that had to do with her.
I smoked my cigarette and watched as the light turned on in the upstairs window-Charlie's bedroom. I wondered if he thought of his daughter every morning, too. He most likely did. Bella tended to have that effect on people. Even Alice had brought her name up often, clearly missing the close friendship the two of them had formed over those few months we spent together.
Together. We were never really together, were we? She had told Emmett we were on that last night, the last time I had held her and watched her smile and laugh, but I wasn't so sure if that was ever true. I had tried, tirelessly hard, to ensure we were not together.
I was far more selfless in my younger age. If she were here now, I would grab on to her for dear life. I wouldn't be able to resist- I knew that as well as I knew that if I thought I was drowning back then, I was sorely mistaken. I was treading water. Now, I wasn't sure if drowning was an accurate metaphor for my state of mind. It was more like I was fucking sinking, with a Bella shaped brick tied to my feet.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
Alice sat squished between me and Jasper once we made it on the train. Our relationship had finally gotten back to where it was before all the Bella bullshit, though it took time. It was just like my sister to shut me out in response to shutting her out. Plus, she loved Bella, and she knew it was my fault she left, though I never explained why.
It was too painful.
Eventually, my sister just started talking to me again, and I'd respond with as much enthusiasm as I could muster up. I knew she couldn't stay away from me forever, though I feared it, now that she had Jasper in her life.
I even kind of fixed my relationship with Dad. Kind of.
He approached me about two weeks after Bella's departure. I guess my misery was even too much for him to handle, drunk as he always was.
"You could do better than that skank, anyway."
My fists clenched at my sides. "Do you really want to do this again, old man? Because I'm fucking tired of it."
He flinched away from me slightly. "Take it easy, kid! I'm trying to be supportive here."
I had no fucking energy left in me. I didn't hit him. I just stood there and let him blabber on about women and how they could never love men like us, about how I should just go for the pussy and call it a day.
Maybe he was right.
It took a few more months for me to stomach the idea, but eventually, I relented to his advice and started taking girls home. I returned to my old rules: No kissing, most importantly. Dad was pleased to see me and my endeavors as I kicked them out in the morning. Alice was clearly displeased, but said nothing.
Tonight, though, sitting on the subway and taking a swig from the bottle of vodka she'd brought with her, she asked: "You gonna celebrate your birthday with the first whore you find tonight, or are you upping your standards this year?"
The group all laughed, even the oddly familiar blonde chick Newton had brought with him. He was so fucking useless, couldn't even fulfill his purpose. I was now a seventh-wheel.
"What's so fucking funny?" I snarled at the familiar girl, fucking irritated that she'd had the audacity to laugh when she didn't even know me.
She chuckled some more, shaking her head. "Nothing, nothing. I just didn't know you were able to get it up."
I gazed at her, trying to figure out what the fuck she was talking about before a memory flashed behind my eyes; She was the girl from the club years ago. We had tried to hook up, and I couldn't, because I was too fucking obsessed with Bella. I hadn't even known it yet, either.
"Tanya, right?" I asked, ignoring the gaping looks of my friends around me.
"That's right."
"Go fuck yourself, Tanya. Seems like you're the only person that can."
Laughter filled the train car once again, though Tanya and Mike had both turned bright red. Good. Fuck them.
The bar was a lot more crowded than I was anticipating, but I suppressed my whining as the seven of us made our way inside.
"Oh, shit, they're having live music tonight!" Newton pointed out.
Tanya giggled, clinging to Mike as we headed towards the bar. "You gonna dance with me, baby?"
Alice rolled her eyes at me, and I laughed- these two really were so fucking dumb.
"Mmm, you'd like that, huh, babe?" Mike responded.
"Alright, shove a sock in it, Newton, you're grossing the rest of us out." Emmett said, thankfully, before adding: "Let's do some fucking shots!"
Boy, did we do some shots. Emmett ordered us all a round of Jameson, and they just kept coming after that. I had a good buzz going by the third or fourth round, but the pickle back shots Mike had ordered that made Tanya throw up on his shoes was really the one that did it for me.
"What a fucking shit show." Jasper laughed from the stool next to mine.
"It's a fucking show, alright."
"Hey, was that for real, what Tanya said on the El? She may be dumb as fuck, but she's smoking hot, dude."
I groaned, taking a long swig of my beer. I thought I got away with that bullshit from earlier.
"You really couldn't get it up?" Jasper laughed, his voice raising a bit.
"Shut the fuck up, bro." I scolded him, though I was starting to laugh too. Maybe it was just all the booze, or maybe Jasper was just fucking funny, I don't know. "It was a long time ago, man. Senior year…"
"Ah," Jasper held a hand up, stopping me mid sentence. "No need to go on, my man."
Of course, everyone fucking knew how Bella had wrecked me by the time we'd graduated. I couldn't hold it together for a fucking day, at the start of it.
By graduation, and the night of my nineteenth birthday, I had gotten a better grip on keeping myself in check- in public, at least. I won't deny that I spent each and every evening alone in crippling fucking misery, but I digress. The night after graduation, I did not keep myself in check at all. Instead, I got absolutely obliterated all alone before knocking on Charlie Swan's door at one in the morning, begging him to tell Bella to come the fuck home.
"Clean yourself up, kid." He told me, throwing a dirty, fish smelling rag out the front door at me. "You look damn pathetic."
I'm sure I did; tears and snot were leaking into my mouth, but I couldn't find it in me to fucking care. I just wanted my girl back.
"Listen to me, son." He spoke again after I'd finally wiped my face off. "You gotta let her go. She's better than this place, better than you, you hear me?"
I could not respond, only sob.
"I think you're an alright kid, Edward. Nothing like that piece of shit you call your father, and I like your Uncle. But that doesn't change the way it is. Let her go."
Two years later, I still had not let her go, though she was gone. All I there was left to do was mourn the love I had lost for the rest of my fucking life.
"Edward!" Alice squealed, breaking me out of my thoughts and back into the present. "I think the music is gonna start soon!"
I looked over towards the stage across the bar; she was right. There was a big dude on the stage fiddling around with a keyboard and a microphone.
"Cool." I responded, unsure of what else I was supposed to say.
"Yeah! So, I'm gonna go pee," she giggled, "and then I'm gonna come get you and we're gonna dance, Birthday Brother!"
"Alice, I am not going to fucking dance."
"We'll see." She laughed again before grabbing onto Rose's hand, obviously planning to drag her off to the bathroom as well. Why did chicks always have to pee together? Rosalie, of course, managed to shoot me a glare before she was out of sight, clearly telling me to suck it up and make my sister happy.
Whatever.
I continued to nurse my beer as I waited for my sister to return, laughing as I listened to Jasper and Emmett go off on Newton about how much of a pussy he was, much to Tanya's chagrin. I had to give it to Newton, though- he took it like a champ.
"Leave the pussy alone, guys." I called to them, earning some laughter even from the Pussy himself.
"Shut the fuck up, soft dick." Mike shot back. Em and Jazz paused for a second, taking in my reaction, I assumed; but honestly, I was too fucked up to even give a shit. I broke out in laughter, again, and so did they.
I was still laughing when I made eye contact with Alice, across the dance floor, her face as white as a fucking ghost.
"What?" I asked, my face falling as she approached. Her eyes were wide and alert, darting around the bar quickly before settling back on me.
"I think we should go."
"What? Why, Al, what happened?"
"I-I…" She stuttered, looking around the room again, as if searching for an explanation.
"Did someone do something to you? Where is Rose?"
"No! No, Edward, I'm fine, it's just-"
I know she continued talking, but the world went fucking silent as my eyes picked up a flash of brunette waves across the stage. A crowd had formed on the dance floor in anticipation, blocking my view. When the first note played out from the speakers, a single touch of the keyboard, I looked back down at my little sister.
Her face confirmed it all, but in the next second, before I had the chance to act, the voice I had been fucking aching- no, dying- to hear for the past two years rang through the crowded bar.
Bella.
I did not move on my own accord, but my feet took me out of the bar, as quickly as they could manage, and out into the damp summer air. Away from the sound of her voice. Away from everyone in that fucking bar, and as far away as I could get from seeing her face.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
My head was in my hands and a cigarette dangled from my lips as I sat on the curb, staring at the fucking cement. My head was swimming; I was pretty fucking drunk, and I felt like I was bobbing in and out of reality. Half of the time, I was here, with my eyes glued to the ground and smoke in my lungs. The other half, I was in my memories and my dreams and my nightmares, all swirling together with just Bella. The way her eyes lit up as she laughed at some joke I told, the way her patchouli perfume mixed with the smell of her joint.
Her voice when she sang for me, and only me…
I stood up quickly, making my head swim even faster. When I finally got my bearings, I saw the familiar blonde Mike had brought with him tonight.
"Hello again, Edward," Tanya purred as she approached me. "You're looking good tonight. Good enough to forget about last time, baby. What do you think?"
I laughed, a humorless and angry sound. "Tanya, you could not have possibly chosen a worse time. Get out of my face, please."
"Whoa, okay," She scoffed at me. "I don't know what your problem is, but if you're gay, maybe you should just say that."
"Shut the fuck up!" I yelled, suddenly, stalking closer to her. I wasn't sure what the fuck I was going to do, but I was luckily interrupted by Alice busting out of the bar.
"Edward!" She cried, rushing up to me. "We can go, Edward. Let's leave, okay? The guys are closing out the tab and we can-"
"I'm going back inside."
"No, Edward, I don't think…"
"Alice!" I yelled again, my nostrils flaring with my rage. I watched as my sister cringed away, but could do nothing to contain myself.
I felt completely fucking unhinged.
"I'm going inside." I said again. Still, it took me a moment before I could force my feet to move, before I could face the sound of my Bella's voice.
Before I could actually see her.
I hadn't had a chance to before, the crowd of impatient dancers were in my way. I could hardly focus on the steps I was taking as my mind conjured up all the way Bella could have changed- what would be different about her. Would she be tan, from the Phoenix sun? Maybe she had gotten her hair cut shorter; I could only see a flash of her brown waves before.
The second I opened the door to the establishment, her voice slapped me in the fucking face.
I knew I was trembling as I made my way closer towards the stage, my eyes searching for her everywhere, but not finding her. Still, I was hypnotized. It felt like I was in a dream, like this could not possibly be happening to me.
I was still at the back of the crowd by the time I finally saw her face, and it was enough to stun me in place.
She was fucking perfect, and the sight of her was enough to snap me back into reality.
Suddenly, I was aware that I was more than just trembling, I was fucking shaking like a man on ice. I felt moisture on my cheeks, though I was not sure if it was coming from my eyes or if I was just fucking sweating at the sight of her.
Suddenly, I was aware of the words she was singing.
Her voice wailed against the melody of her keyboard and the sound of what I assumed to be pre-recorded drums in the background. It was almost too fucking Rock-and-Roll for me to handle; it was hard to reconcile the little Bella who sang for me in her bedroom could be the same one tearing this place down tonight.
But it wasn't her voice, or the music she was playing that had made my knees tremble so hard I nearly fell to the ground; it was her words.
Her lyrics flew through my head like bullets, killing me over and over as they resonated deeper and deeper within me.
South Side…that big bottle we shared…Moms and Dads who couldn't love us enough… you couldn't love me enough…
God, my heart was cracking and shattering again and again as I stood in the back of that bar, listening to the only girl I would ever love sing about me, about us. Her voice rang out confident and clear as her piano cried, sending me its condolences for the loss of our love. Because it was clear, now more than ever, that it was fucking over.