A/N: I'm sorry for the delay in posting! I'm in the middle of moving so life has been pretty hectic. Should be back to posting biweekly soon, though.
Enjoy!!!!
Chapter 13
There is a very large gap in my memory from the night of my twenty-first birthday.
I remember standing (or maybe falling?) in the midst of the bar, watching Bella sing about how I'd broken her heart while simultaneously ruining my own life, though she left that last part out. The next thing I knew, I was back outside of the bar, my face in the bushes as I emptied out the entirety of my soul and stomach.
"Water, Edward. Drink." Alice was outside, too, shoving a water bottle at me. I waved her hand away, grumbling.
"Come on, dude. You're really gonna call the party this early?" Oh, great. Emmett was out here too.
"Leave him alone, bro." I heard Jazz mutter, making me groan again.
"Shut the fuck up, everyone. Please" I begged them, finally removing my head from the bramble and looking around me. It was hard to get my bearings.
Alice, Jazz and Emmett were outside with me. Thankfully, the others were not.
"You need a bogie, dude." Em spoke again, shoving his pack of Newports towards me. I made a face; I fucking hated menthols, and he laughed. "Just take one." He insisted.
"And drink water, please, brother." Alice pleaded from beside me. I grumbled again, but relented. The water did feel good going down my throat, which was feeling quite raw from the vomiting and… was I yelling? I couldn't recall.
The sounds of music from inside the bar elevated for a moment, causing me to jump, but it was just Rosalie coming outside to meet up with the rest of us.
"Newton and Tanya are tongue fucking in there. It's disgusting- I literally just watched her throw up two hours ago all over the guy's feet."
"You missed another good one out here, babe. Edward just upchucked his heart out."
Rose shot Emmett a glare before turning to me with what looked like sympathy in her eyes.
I groaned again.
"Listen…" Rose started, still staring at me before turning to look at my sister. "She knows we're here. It would be pretty fucked up to just leave without saying hi, right?"
"Rosalie," Jasper growled at his sister. "Leave it alone for now, okay?"
"It's fine," I mumbled, earning a few more sympathetic glances from my friends. "I'm fine."
"Al, she was our friend." Rose went on, looking at my sister.
"I know, Rose, I know! Of course I want to see her, and I've got some shit to say about the way she abandoned me here-"
I cringed; I guess it was notable because my sister shut up.
"Edward is like, catatonic right now. I have to help him get home." She added.
"I can take him home, baby, if you want to…" Jazz started.
"C'mon, dude. I'm not done with this night, are you?!" Emmett shouted over him.
"I'm fine." I added.
"You're wasted." Rose snapped at me.
"He's not wasted, Rose, he's losing his shit because Bella's here."
I cringed again at the sound of her name. "I am drunk." I added, in some vain attempt to sound casual. Everyone was staring at me again.
The loud music from inside got louder once more as the front door of the bar swung open. The big dude that was setting up the stage earlier came out front, smiling at Rose and the rest of our group.
Behind him was Bella.
Despite the alcohol I consumed, the world suddenly seemed incredibly…clear. Time moved slowly; I am sure only a few seconds passed between the moment my eyes met hers and when she looked away, but it was enough for me to fully take in the sight before me.
I was right earlier. Bella did cut her hair. It now hung just above her shoulders, the shorter length accentuating her collarbones and cream colored neck. She looked older, definitely. Whatever was left of her childhood had obviously left her in the last two years. She was wearing a flannel, despite the early summer heat. It was a comforting sight; how often did I find her in a flannel in the past, just waiting for me to take it off of her?
She wore shorts, though, and as my eyes raked across her body, I noticed she'd acquired quite a few tattoos on her legs. If the sight of her didn't make me feel so desperately miserable, I may have found the tats to be pretty fucking sexy. Now, I could only feel despair as I took in the changes that have, somehow, only increased her appeal to me.
She was still fucking perfect.
She stepped in front of the large man that came outside with her, looking around the group of us with a shy smile.
"Hey, guys."
It was silent for another moment before anyone spoke. I could feel the eyes of my friends as they flitted back and forth between me and Bella, and the feeling of being watched was becoming suffocating. The only girl I wanted to look at me was looking everywhere else.
"Oh, Bella!" Alice cried, breaking the silence and throwing herself into Bella's arms. Bella wrapped Alice tightly in a hug, the sounds of their combined giggles sending me flying back in time. "I missed you so much!"
"I missed you too, Alice," Bella laughed again, pulling away from my sister to get a better look at her. "You look so beautiful and grown up."
"Me? Look at you!" Alice chimed back. "You're somehow even cooler than before! And your show in there?! Holy shit!" My sister prattled on. "Oh, Bella, it's so good to see you."
"I was sure you were going to be very, very mad at me."
"I am very, very mad at you, Bella. I'm just too happy right now to care. It's coming, though, believe me."
Eventually, the reunited friends tore themselves away from each other so Bella could make her rounds, giving each one of our friends a tight hug in greeting.
"It's good to see ya again, kid!" Emmett's loud voice boosted as he picked Bella up and swung her around in a hug. "How've you been? How's the desert treating you?"
Bella shrugged, making her way towards Jasper, who stood next to me, to greet him as well. "Phoenix was fine." She said as she hugged my friend. "We're back now, though."
"You're back?" Were those the first words I spoke since she came outside? Judging by the looks everyone was now giving me, I assumed yes.
Bella turned to me, then, her eyes once again meeting mine. This time, our gaze met for long enough for me to really look into them- to see the swirls of brown in her irises as they contrasted with the whites of her eyes. They were big and clear and just as beautiful as I remembered them.
"Uh, yeah, we are." She spoke slowly, her eyes wary as she took me in. "Hey, Edward."
For a fleeting moment, it looked as if she was going to lean in to hug me. It passed too quickly for me to react, luckily (how much more awkward could I fucking be?), before she took a step back, once again next to the big, tan dude she came outside with.
He was tall, taller than me, and covered in tribal tattoos. He was muscular, which made sense, since he was lifting all of her shit onto the stage earlier.
"So, who's your friend, Bella?" Emmett spoke up again, shameless as usual.
Bella smirked, glancing behind her towards her new friend. "Guys, this is my boyfriend, Jake."
My heart fucking plummeted. Suddenly, I could hear nothing but ringing in my ears. I saw the mouths of my friends moving, saw Bella's laughter and glances towards the guy named Jake, but couldn't comprehend what was going on.
Boyfriend. Her boyfriend. I wasn't sure that there could have been a worse way to spend my birthday, then to be standing here, looking at the girl I loved wrap her arms around this stranger. A stranger who kissed her, like I did. Who held her at night, who…..
I opened my mouth to speak, though I wasn't sure what I was planning on saying.
Alice shot me a glance before words could leave my mouth.
"Edward was just about to take me home," she said, the sound of her speaking my name finally breaking me out of my trance. I didn't look at her, though- my eyes were glued to Bella against my will. "Will I see you again soon, Bella?" She continued, her voice desperate.
"Of course, Alice. We're staying at my Dad's. You'll see me more than you even want to."
"How long?"
Bella's eyes shot to mine again. Fuck, was it me who just said that?
"What?" She asked, her voice cold and unwelcoming.
I cleared my throat. "How long have you been back?"
"We've been here a little over a week." Jake spoke, this time.
A little over a week. Bella had been right across the street from me, so close the idea of it hurt, for over a week.
The world swayed around me, and my ears started ringing again.
"I'm going to call you tomorrow, Bella, okay?" Alice spoke again. "You're gonna answer me, right?"
Bella's laugh brought me back to the surface once again. "Yes, Alice. Promise. I'll talk to you tomorrow." Her eyes flicked to mine again. "See ya, Edward." She grumbled, pressing herself tighter against Jake and giving me the saddest excuse for a smile I'd seen in a long time.
One thing was clear, despite the waters of confusion I was swimming in: Bella was not happy to see me.
Not at all.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
The next morning, or maybe it was the afternoon, I found myself waking up with my clothes on on the couch.
Have you ever woken up with that odd dream-like feeling, when you know something happened to your subconscious the night before, but you can't quite pin it?
Blissfully, that was how I felt for about sixty seconds, before reality fucking slammed me in the fast.
Bella.
I sat up fast- too fast, my head was spinning- with a gasp.
"Good morning, brother." I heard Alice's voice before I saw her. She came in from the kitchen with two mugs in hand. "I figured you could use some coffee."
I grunted, unwilling to find the words to speak, taking the hot cup from my sister with a grateful nod. Upon taking a sip, I found it was spiked once again.
"A little hair of the dog. You're looking a lot like Dad right now."
I groaned, placing my coffee on the floor next to me and laying back down on the couch. My head was fucking pounding.
"Don't tell me that, Alice. I can't take it right now."
Alice chuckled, but it was a sad sound. "Are you okay, Edward?"
I just shrugged. I wasn't sure how to answer her. Was I okay? I was alive, obviously, but I felt like my insides were crumbling. "I can't believe she's here."
"I know. Me either." She spoke sympathetically, but couldn't hide her obvious excitement about the return of her friend. "I'm going to meet up with her later today. I have some words for that girl."
"Leave me out of it, please." I grumbled.
"Oh, it has nothing to do with you, Edward. This is between me and her."
I sat up again, finally meeting Alice's eyes. "I don't even remember getting home last night."
"You were pretty out of it."
"Was I that drunk?"
She paused for a moment before speaking quietly. "I don't think that's what it was, Edward."
I groaned again, closing my eyes against my headache, but finding it more painful; Bella's face burned behind my eyes, the vision of her of last night feeling like the first time I'd ever seen her.
"I'll let you know how it goes with Bella later. I'm gonna get the whole scoop, believe you me."
I groaned once more, this time in acknowledgment. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the whole fucking scoop. No- that was not true. Of course I wanted to know. I wasn't sure if I should know, if I would be able to handle any new information. I felt as if my brain was going to explode already.
After Alice left, I spent the rest of my day in bed with the door locked. I heard Dad prattling around downstairs and didn't want to risk having to interact with him in any capacity. The last thing I needed was the reminder of why I had ruined everything years ago, why I had to let Bella go: I was that prick's son, after all. A demon in disguise.
I looked over towards my end table at the picture of Alice, Mom and I just a year or two before she died.
Bella was too much like my mother. She was sweet and kind and honest, but she was tough and capable and unwavering in her ability to care for those she loved. To care for them so much that she would die for them, the way Mom did.
It was wrong to think that way, I knew. It took years for me to accept my mother's death was an accident; Dad didn't pull her into the water to drown. She went on her own violation. Still, if it weren't for my asshole of a father and his affinity for drugs and alcohol, I doubted Mom would have ever found herself in such a situation.
That was why I had tried to save Bella. I had to remember that, now more than ever.
It was true, though, that these two years without her had hardened me, made me somehow more selfish than I had been before. If she did… want me, if she gave me even the smallest sign of interest in my life, I knew I would be powerless to resist her this time. I was bound to her, now, whether she wanted me to be or not. I could hope, for her sake, that she could keep swimming with the weight of me clinging to her ankles, but I would not be disappointed to find her slipping down into the waters with me.
Not at all.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
I must have fallen asleep before Alice made it home, because I didn't see her until I woke up the next day to her banging on my bedroom door.
"I swear to god, Edward, if you killed yourself in there, I'm going to be very mad at you. "
"Go away, Alice." I grumbled just loud enough that I knew she would hear me.
"I have information that you may find very interesting, though."
Groaning, I rolled out of bed to yank the door open. Alice looked up at me with bright eyes and a smile.
"Talk, then." I said, heading back to my bed and throwing myself down on top of it. My sister sat next to me, her body basically vibrating with excitement. She was happy her friend was back.
"Well, I really gave her a piece of my mind, that's for sure. And she apologized for leaving without saying goodbye to me, or telling me why… even though I had obviously figured that part out myself." She rolled her eyes. "She's been playing music for the past year in bars and stuff, they even pay her! I had no idea she was so talented, Edward, but she's amazing! She played a song for me and it was even better than she sounded at the bar the other night."
"I know."
"You knew? What, she's played for you? She told me she never played in front of anyone, really, until she met Jake…." She trailed off, finally fucking realizing how much this was killing me. "Sorry, brother."
I said nothing, pressing my face into my pillow and willing myself not to fucking scream.
"Anyway…" Alice continued, obviously unable to shut the fuck up. "She graduated from a two year music program with her associates degree, which has always been her plan, I know, but it's still pretty impressive, isn't it?"
That got my attention. I sat up, looking towards my sister.
"I was thinking, you know, maybe I should try to go to school, too. I don't want to be stuck as a waitress my whole life." Alice continued.
Alice and I had been working as servers over at Guiginos for the past year. It was the same restaurant I used to wash dishes in, the same one Bella and I shared a Valentine's dinner at…
"What do you mean, that's always been her plan?" I asked, distracted by what she'd said.
"She always wanted to go to college for music. You must have known that, right?"
I continued staring at her, shocked. I had not known that. She never brought it up… I had never asked. I always assumed she was comfortable with our fate as South Side kids: poorly educated and just fucking poor.
Fuck, why had I never asked her what she wanted to do with her life? How fucking stupid was I? No wonder she had to leave; it was clear to me now that I was holding her back from her dreams, keeping her trapped in this hell hole of an inner city with me.
"I didn't know." I said quietly. Alice looked at me with sympathy again.
"Well, she went and she graduated and one of her professors got her some kind of weeknight gig somewhere. Obviously, everyone loved her, so she started playing all over Phoenix, but she said she couldn't stand living with her mom anymore, and Ja-" She caught herself this time. "She felt like she was causing people in her life to make sacrifices for her mother's sake. Something like that, at least, so she came back. Her Dad is much higher functioning."
So I heard. I was not surprised to hear living with her mother grew impossible; I had heard all the stories before. Her mom was an addict, just like our Dad, and I knew first hand how fucking horrible it was to deal with him.
I cleared my throat before speaking again. "So, she's back for good?"
"Seems like it. She's playing at another bar Saturday night, actually. She invited us all to go."
"Us all? Who's us all?"
Alice looked at me like I was crazy. I felt like I was. "Uh, you know, us all..? The group of friends we hang out with almost every day?"
"Did she… I mean, Alice…" How could she be so dense that I had to ask this question? "Did she mean me, too? She invited me?"
"She didn't not invite you, Edward. She said 'tell everyone to come to my show on Saturday,' not 'tell everyone but Edward.'"
"I don't think that counts."
"I think it does, brother. If she's gonna be back in our lives…"
"Who the fuck said she wanted to be back in my life?" I was yelling now. Alice flinched, but kept her chin high.
"She lives across the street. What are you gonna do, hide in your room forever?"
"Maybe. I don't know. She probably hopes I do."
"Get over yourself, Edward. I don't want to sound cruel, but maybe she didn't take the whole thing quite as hard as you did. I'm sure she's willing to be friends."
Friends. Could I do that? Just be friends with Bella?
I doubted it.
"I don't know if I can do that, Alice."
"Well, it's only Monday. Think about it." She said, giving me a pat on the back. "I'm working tonight. Are you on the schedule?"
Fuck. I was. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to perform at work after all of these new developments, but maybe it would be a welcome distraction.
"Yeah, I do. We'll go together." I told her. "Now can you let me go take a fucking shower or something?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'll meet you out front when you're done. Don't mope too hard."
As if that were possible.