Morning felt different, as if the atmosphere had changed. The pale green sunlight streamed through my window as usual, but it was strangely clear. The ever-present fog that usually blanketed the town seemed to have lifted.
A quick look outside revealed a disappointing sight; a thin layer of snow covered the yard. Frost adorned the top of my truck, and the road was completely blanketed in white.
To worsen things, frozen by the overnight rain, the trees turned into icy chandeliers, and the driveway became a treacherous slope. I wanted to go back to sleep until spring.
Charlie was gone again by the time I got downstairs. Sometimes it felt like I lived alone, nobody to look forward to in the morning. Like a roommate who only showed up for dinner.
It was fine, that's what I wanted. I didn't need to be babied, I didn't want to be a burden.
I skipped breakfast, only taking a sip of orange juice from the carton.
I felt a weird amount of energy pushing me to go to school, and it was hard to understand why. Why did I eagerly look at the clock on the wall?
It wasn't my friends and especially not the weather, it was him.
His beautiful white teeth, adorable laugh, his silly little lie.
A flush of heat tingled in my ears; I figured the moment I talked to him, the moment I was able to understand him. He would no longer flood my brain, yet our conversation seemed to do nothing but push me towards him.
I wanted to understand why he lied, why he wanted to know so much about me and why he seemed to want to avoid touching me.
I couldn't put my finger on it but it felt like he was messing with me. Like he took pleasure in my humiliation while keeping a safe distance, like a child playing with a cat, finding delight in its discomfort. Yet it all felt so sincere.
When I opened the door, the icy chill quickly found its way under my coat and around my neck. I shivered as I slowly made my way to the driveway.
It felt like my sneakers had no traction at all; instead, they sat on top of the ice. For a while I struggled with the idea of just sitting down and sliding down the driveway to the truck but settled on pushing myself off of the house, slamming myself against my truck and clanging onto the truck long enough to open the door and slide into the driver seat.
I took a deep breath when I got in, my arm hurt slightly- I must have banged it on the truck- but at least the worst part was over.
Driving to school, I listened to the soft hum of the classic rock stations just under my engine.
Forks felt so different from home, not all in bad ways but not really good either. I knew I hadn't changed, I was still the skinny loser I was in Phoenix yet in Forks it didn't seem to matter.
Maybe their unfamiliarity with new people made them more forgiving, or maybe I was just a novelty, something fresh for them to observe before they moved on, like the Cullens.
I was fine with that, I never wanted to get too close, to allow them into my deepest secrets. My mind was mine and I had no plans to allow them in it.
I already learned that lesson and I had no plans of returning to that hell.
But, I would accept life for what it was in the moment, enjoy the excited chatter of Michelle and the brotherly enthusiasm of Jesse, with the full knowledge that it could all disappear in a moment. Whether we wanted it too or not.
My truck glided smoothly over the treacherous black ice on the roads. Mindful of the potential dangers, I drove cautiously to avoid chaos on Main Street. Stepping out of my truck upon arriving at school, I quickly understood why the roads had posed minimal issues.
A glimmer of silver caught my eye, drawing me toward the back of my truck. There, I discovered thin chains elegantly laced in diamond shapes around my tires. It dawned on me that Charlie must have woken up early to put snow chains on my truck.
Why did she do that? Why would she bother doing that for me?
Was all that flooded my brain, a sense of guilt, a sense of towering unspoken care that I would never be able to pay back.
It made me uncomfortable, confused, and happy.
I couldn't help but Crouch down in the back corner of my truck and check it out, try to find peace in the idea that I could possibly do it myself in the future.
And that's when I heard it, an unusual sound.
High-pitched and screeching I instinctively turned around and looked up.
I noticed two things in that moment, Edward Cullen a few cars down, his face changing in a second, from staring at me with amused indifference to his honey eyes stretching wide in shock.
And a dark blue van sliding across the parking lot. Its tires locked, squealing against the icy ground. As it barreled uncontrollably in my direction.
Trapped in my own mind, aware but incapable of moving, escaping, I opened my mouth to scream but I couldn't hear my own voice.
I felt the slap of the cold concrete on my head, like someone or something threw me to the ground. I waited ready for the final impact; the inevitable splat but when I opened my eyes the van was halted in front of me, inches from my face held only by two white hands.
In a quick blur of movement, one hand gripped the underside of the van while the other swiftly grabbed me, swinging my legs around until they safely landed against the tire of the neighboring tan car. The van settled with a loud metallic thud, its shattered glass strewn across the asphalt, exactly where my legs had been seconds earlier.
For a moment, maybe even a second the world around me fell into silence, darkness and then I heard his voice.
"Bela, are you okay?"
His voice was soft, fragile like if he raised his voice I would just turn into ash and float away.
The world spun, voices blurred, and colors merged into a chaotic blur. For me it was just me and him, and I didn't even feel like I was there.
I stared into nothing and he shook me gently, his voice close to my ear.
"Bela?"
The adrenaline hit me all at once, confusion faded into clarity and I nearly jumped to my feet but something stopped me.
"I'm fine," my voice sounded distant like it didn't belong to me. And my body struggled to move but it was held firm.
"Please relax," his voice was once again against my ear, how was he so close?
And then I realized he was holding me against the side of his body, his mouth almost fully against my ear.
"You hit your head pretty hard." His cold hand pressed gently against my head causing me to wince in pain and a throbbing pain to slowly creep to the rest of my head.
"That's what I thought," he responded, his tone was teasing, soft but amused.
"I'm just really glad I was next to you," he added in a more serious tone, like he was trying to convince me of something.
Was he beside me?
When I shifted to sit up, he released his hold on my waist, creating some space in the limited area. I looked into his innocent yet concerned expression and once again found myself captivated by the intensity of his golden eyes.
The same intensity I saw as the van was coming towards me. The eyes that watched me from cars down…
"How did yo-" my voice was drowned out by a crowd of teary-eyed people surrounding us, shouting at each other and directing their words at us.
"Stay where you are," someone firmly instructed.
"Tyler's still in the van!" someone else shouted.
I tried to get up again, but Edward's firm hand on my shoulder held me down.
"Please stay still."
"But he might need help," I complained softly, my body was on fire, I needed to move, to run, to help.
Sitting on the cold concrete did nothing but numb my hands and back leaving them aching and itchy.
He let out a soft, awkward laugh, his eyes didn't match his face like his body didn't know how else to respond.
Edward's dismissive voice cut through, "He'll be fine without your help."
There was no argument.
But I pushed on, "How do you know…" My voice started strong before slowly fading to a whisper, "You…you shouldn't be here…"
I looked down at the ground, the dented van sitting where I was and I muttered under my breath, "How did you get over here..." It was more of a statement than a question as I struggled to remember.
"You were near your car, right…" I looked up at him, his expression was interesting, almost empty, emotionless.
He placed a cold hand against my cheek, gently tilting my head up so we locked eyes. "I was right next to you the whole time. I pulled you out of the way," his gaze pleaded with me to understand. "You hit your head, you're just confused." His voice was still light but had a rougher dismissive edge like he was speaking to a misbehaving child.
"But…" I muttered, pulling away slightly.
His eyes softened. "Please…"
I glanced away momentarily before returning my gaze to his. "Tell me later…" I demanded weakly.
The blaring sirens felt like a ticking clock, threatening to break our little bubble at any second.
His face tightened as he thought, like he was struggling against himself, but eventually he nodded slowly and let out a soft hiss from under his breath, "Fine."
It took six EMTs and two teachers - Mr. Varner and Coach Clapp - to maneuver the van away from us, clearing the path for the stretchers to be brought in.
I was forced onto a stretcher before I could speak, while Edward was allowed to talk to the EMT.
I felt sick being wheeled away with a neck brace on. Being seen as broken and weak while Edward, someone who was right beside me was able to walk freely.
Part of me wished I was hurt, knocked unconscious, completely oblivious to the world around me. At least then I wouldn't be capable of feeling shame.
But then I heard a voice cut through the chaos, a familiar voice distorted by panic.
Chief Swan had arrived.
"Bela!" she yelled frantically, her voice on the verge of tears as she recognized me on the stretcher.
Her eyes were wet, her hands lingered over my body like she was scared to touch me and her face twisted like she didn't know what expression to show me.
"Mom, it's fine. I'm fine," I reassured her, tried to reach out to her but I was strapped down. "Really, calm down."
She needed to know I was fine, far more than I ever needed the stretcher. But before I could fight against it. She disappeared into the crowd surrounding us, searching for a second opinion.
It felt like the entire school was there, their eyes full of solemn pity as I was loaded into the back of the ambulance. I tried to make sense of the jumble of inexplicable images swirling chaotically in my mind.
The wreck, the tan car's bumper perfectly matched the contours of Edward's shoulders, as though he had braced himself against the car with such force that it damaged the metal frame.
Yet he was fine.
It all happened in a matter of seconds, the only logical answer is that I was confused. But what about Edward? Why was he begging me to drop it, when it's far easier to ignore my confused ramblings?
I wished I was just knocked out.
As the ambulance rushed us to the county hospital, Charlie's cruiser followed closely behind, visible through the back window.
I felt silly – a waste of an ambulance, a waste of the police, a waste of time.
They placed me in the emergency room, a long hall separated by paper pastel-patterned curtains. I winced when the nurse attached a pressure cuff to my arm and forced a thermometer under my tongue.
It smelled like stale air and bleach, the sounds of moaning patients were only mildly covered by the beeps of machines and Maury Povich being played at top volume in the waiting room.
I didn't wait long to remove the neck brace, I was already sure I was fine. The adrenaline had faded long before we even entered and was replaced with exhaustion and a more persistent headache.
Tyler Crowley from my Government class came in a bit after me. His head was tightly wrapped in blood stained bandages, and his arms were peppered with bloody patches. It looked bad, real bad.
I stared at him for a while from a distance, the metallic smell of his blood mixed with his oozing body made me want to throw up.
Tyler whined in pain as the nurse came to change his bandages, noticing me he cried out, "Bela, I'm so sorry!"
I tried not to look at him, focusing my eyes on the curtain, "Calm down dude, I am fine."
"I thought I hit you! I thought... I thought I killed you! My car just lost control... I thought you were dead!" He started to cough, choking on his tears.
I could hear the nurses trying to calm him, the sound of him trying to move and the pain in his voice. I needed to help.
I took a deep breath swallowing the bile in my throat before looking at him.
He had multiple cuts across his face and forehead, nothing that would leave a scar but enough for his face to be painted red with blood.
"You missed me; I am fine," I smiled at him as the nurses held down his shoulders.
He seemed to calm down as I talked, allowing the nurses to push him back down.
"No way, you were right there! It was like you disappeared or something..." he whined out as the nurse stretched his arm, showing a collection of glass shards in his inner elbow.
I gagged looking up as they worked, "Um... Edward pulled me away."
Plink. Plink. Plink.
I could hear her remove them, the metal tool scraping lightly against the metal bowl.
"Who?" Tyler asked softly, wincing as the nurse dug into his arm.
"Cullen," I said, softly moving back to my cot, this conversation took more out of me than the crash, I couldn't take the sour smell. "Edward Cullen - he was standing next to me."
"I didn't see him... but there was so much going on... he's okay, right?"
I nodded in response before softly speaking, "Yeah he's great…"
The curtains shifted and a nurse popped her head in, "Bela Swan?"
I looked up instinctively and she added, "we need to check your head."
I jumped up in a second, "no problem." I almost ran out of the makeshift room.
"Please slow down," She stopped me as soon as I passed the curtain. I nodded following her orders.
Nothing came from the tests; I was fine. A minor headache and a sore arm was all they could find. Even then I had to speak with a doctor before I could leave.
The longer I waited the sicker I felt, I just wanted to go home, to think.
I wanted to talk to Edward, to understand the little details that neither me or Tyler couldn't remember. Why was he so guarded, like he had something to hide?
Eventually me and Tyler were put in the same room again, he whined and wimpered as I laid down next to him. I couldn't help but feel bad for him, feeling guilty that I was fine and he was hurt yet he wanted nothing more but my forgiveness. Eventually, I closed my eyes, blocking out his remorseful muttering, the sour smell of his pain and my own thoughts.
"Is he sleeping?" A song-like voice entered the darkness of my mind, causing me to almost jump off the cot.
Edward stood at the foot of my cot, his hand over his mouth as he grinned mischievously. It felt like a king coming to mock his peasants, he was too beautiful for a hospital room.
Tyler began to apologize, but Edward waved him off. "No harm done," he replied, flashing his perfect teeth. He sat on the edge of my bed, facing me, smirking.
"So, are you okay?" he inquired.
"I feel more than okay, but they won't let me leave," I whined. "Why aren't you being treated like a patient?"
"It's all about connections," he answered with a wink. "But don't worry, I've come to spring you."
"Edward? I thought I told you to go home." A soft voice came from behind the curtain, gentle yet stern.
A small blonde came in from behind the curtain, her platinum hair pulled back to a neat bun, her pale skin only given color by her burgundy lipstick.
It was easy to tell just from looking at her that she was Edward's mother. Though I would have guessed sister in any other context.
Now I could understand why Charlie struggled to talk about her.
She was young, aged only by deep dark circles under her eyes and a pair of dark rimmed glasses sat at the tip of her nose.
"I was just stopping by," he said under his breath, he still looked smug but quickly got up and stood to the side of the cot giving her space to walk over to me.
She gave him a small look and he nodded mutely, his jaw locked.
"So, Mister Swan," Dr. Cullen said gently as she turned to me, "how are you feeling?"
"I'm fine," I replied, hoping it'd be the last time.
She approached the lightboard above me and switched it on.
"Your X-rays look good," she stated. "Does your head hurt? Edward mentioned you hit it pretty hard."
"It's fine," I sighed, shooting Edward a quick look, he gave me a mischievous smirk and waved.
She gently applied pressure to my head, her fingers were long, cold and beautiful. I assumed they were gloves at first. She noticed my wince.
"Tender?" she asked leaning closer, her other hand applied pressure to my arm, I winced again.
"It's not," I admitted, I definitely have been hurt more before.
I heard a chuckle and turned to see Edward's condescending smile. The doctor shot him a look and he covered his mouth looking away.
"Well, your mother is waiting for you, you are free to go home for now." She smiled lightly, "Return if you experience any dizziness or vision issues." She advised with a serious tone.
"Can't I go back to school?" I asked anxiously picturing Charlie's attempt at being attentive.
"Perhaps you should take it easy today," she suggested with a small laugh.
I glanced at Edward. "Does he get to go to school?"
"Someone has to share the good news that we made it," Edward smugly remarked.
"Actually I would like him to stay home as well," Dr. Cullen interjected.
"It's fine, most of the school is in the waiting room anyway." Edward added, looking right at me.
"Oh no," I moaned, covering my face with my hands.
Dr. Cullen raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to stay?" Her tone was sarcastic.
"No, no!" I exclaimed, swinging my legs over the bed and quickly hopping down, too quick for my own good. I stumbled, and Dr. Cullen caught me, a look of concern on her face.
"I'm fine," I assured her once more. Embarrassed that I was this clumsy before the accident.
"Take some Tylenol for the pain," she recommended as she helped steady me.
"Really, it's not that bad," I insisted.
"You were incredibly lucky," Dr. Cullen remarked with a smile as she dramatically signed my chart.
"Lucky Edward happened to be near me," I added, glancing pointedly at him.
"Yes, well," Dr. Cullen conceded, now engrossed in the papers in front of her. Then she looked away, focusing on Tyler, and proceeded to tend to his cuts. My intuition told me the doctor was part of whatever was going on.
"I'm afraid you'll have to stay with us a bit longer," she informed Tyler, her back turned.
As soon as the doctor's attention was diverted, I swiftly made my way to Edward's side.
"Can we talk?" I whispered urgently, my voice barely audible. He took a step back, visibly tensing as his jaw clenched tightly.
"Your mother is waiting," he replied through gritted teeth, the words strained.
I glanced at Dr. Cullen and Tyler, hoping for a moment of privacy. "I just need a minute," I pressed, my voice a touch more assertive.
His mood changed on a dime, all of the humor and energy disappearing behind a thick curtain of tense anger.
He turned without looking at me, striding down the long room. I had to nearly jog to keep up before he suddenly stopped in a small empty corner within a short hallway, almost quiet—I could hear the buzz of the waiting room tv from the distance.
His face was tight, his body stiff and uncomfortable.
"Speak," He snapped, his eyes piercing me with icy intensity.
His hostility sent a chill down my spine, causing my words to come out softer than planned. "Everything happened so fast and some things don't add up, I just wanted to know what's going on," his sudden anger put me on edge.
"I saved your life, isn't that enough?" he hissed out coarsely.
I folded up slightly, hugging my body. I felt intimidated, this man just held up a van. What could I possibly do if he gets mad enough to hit me?
I let out a long sigh, trying my best to keep my face as neutral as possible, "Dude, I just want to understand, you told me you would tell me." my voice shook slightly the more I talked.
I rubbed my hand against my leg, focusing on the texture of my jeans.
"Bela, you hit your head, you were talking nonsense and I agreed to anything to make you focus," he held the bridge of his nose between two fingers, his voice was clear and condescending like the whole idea of my questions were ridiculous and beneath him.
"We both know my head is fine." I said as sternly as I could my eyes on him.
We stared each other down for a moment; his eyes darkening slightly as the anger boiled over.
"What do you want from me?" he demanded, his voice quivered slightly.
"Just the truth," I answered honestly. "I just want to make sure I haven't gone insane."
"This is madness," he muttered under his breath. "What do you think happened?"
"I don't know…" I words first came strong but it quickly faded, "I think you were nowhere near me."
"That, that van…" I paused and took a breath, "should have crushed us both…"
The memories started to flood back in fragments, scattered and ridiculous, yet impossibly real.
"That van…was inches…from my face…" My words became slower as I looked at the tiled floor. "You stopped it."
"What?" His voice was condescending and sharp. "You think I stopped a van?" He laughed dryly without any humor.
I simply nodded, my jaw clenched tight.
"Nobody will ever believe that," he scoffed, a hint of derision in his voice.
"So?" I shrugged aggressively. "I wasn't planning on telling anyone anyway."
Surprise flashed across his face. "Then why?"
"I just almost died…" I said slowly with my eyes collecting the tiles, "and I can't stop thinking… I should be dead…"
"You're alive…isn't that enough?" His voice was light, fragile, exhausted
We stared at each other, I could see myself reflected in his eyes.
Weak, stupid, a waste of time.
He turned away first frustrated, "Are you done?"
I didn't answer
His jaw clenched tight and he hissed out, "Fine… I hope you enjoy being disappointed,"
We glared at each other in silence, the tension thick in the air. I was the first to break it, determined to stay focused. I refused to be distracted by the infuriatingly gorgeous face before me. It was like staring down an angel of destruction.
"Why did you bother saving me?" I asked, my voice cold, distant, almost like it didn't come from my mouth.
He hesitated, his gaze softening for a brief moment, and he closed his eyes tight.
"I don't know," he whispered, his voice lingered before quickly disappearing into the air along with him.
I crouched to the ground the moment he was no longer in my sight. My head, buried between my legs.
I fought my rising gag reflex, the tremors in my legs, the searing anger, and the threat of tears. I fought back everything, I refused to cry over this.
When I could finally walk, albeit slowly, I made my way towards the exit at the end of the hallway.
The waiting room packed, faces I hadn't seen since preschool blended with classmates. All staring at me like a circus act.
Charlie ran to my side but stopped just short of hugging me, instead patting me on the shoulder.
"What did the doctor say?" she awkwardly asked.
"She said I am fine to go home," I sighed.
Michelle, Jesse, and Erica started to make their way over but I put my hand out and shook my head.
Michelle, Erica nodded and I could see Jesse lean over to ask what I meant. I waved back apologetically before making my way out of the door.
I slumped down into the cruiser, my body melting with exhaustion.
The drive back home was silent. My mind was buzzing with thoughts and Charlie wasn't one of them.
Edward's defensive act in the hallway only reaffirmed that I wasn't crazy.
Charlie stopped the cruiser in front of the house but stopped for a moment before cutting off the engine. "Um... you'll need to call Rene," her eyes stayed on the street.
It took me a moment to register what she was saying, "You told Dad!" I yelled out in disbelief.
"What else was I supposed to do!" She yelled out slamming her hands on the wheel before calming down and quietly muttering "sorry,"
I just ran away, slamming the cruiser's door on my way out, not stopping until I was already in the house.
It was always hard to talk to dad when he was genuinely upset, he wasn't a strict man or even a tough man, but he was stubborn and loud.
I spent two hours on the phone with him that night. Most of the time, taken up by him cursing Charlie, Taylor and even Forks. I said 'I'm fine' so many times it no longer felt like real words. He never calmed down, only ending the call because he had to pick up Paula from work.
He wanted me back home, and a part of me wanted to go back. Wanted to be done with Forks, snow and Edward Cullen. But I didn't want to give up yet, to run away again.
I didn't bother with dinner that night, instead going to bed as soon as the sun went down.
It was hard at first, my thoughts were messy and unfocused, like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. And Edward was the star even after I closed my eyes.