"A bad relationship can do that, can make you doubt everything good you ever felt about yourself." ― Dionne Warwick
3 years later
Jade
"I heard that you were going to attend your father's labor day party this weekend."
"Is this small talk that you're attempting to have with me?" I lift my eyebrow while not taking my eyes off the email in front of me. Gizelda ignores my comment and continues talking.
"If you do plan on attending, keep in mind that you must come with us and that you have to wear white. I know that you enjoy walking around like the rejected sexually promiscuous goth barbie that you desperately want to be. However, for once in your life, you might want to try to not embarrass your father for a few hours."
"Well if he is allowing me to even come to this event we can assume that there will be no one there important enough for me to embarrass him in front of, therefore your worry is useless."
"Oh Jadey…you know what happens when you assume. You make an ass of yourself as well as me. While you may think there will be no one for you to embarrass your father in front of, we both very well know that you will do your darndest to try." She sighs and places her phone down to look at me with her bright, clear, green eyes. Fuck.
Surprisingly, Gizelda is one of the very very few people that I love. And even rarers, one of like 5 people that I respected. But even she is incapable of getting me to be decent in front of people that respect my father.
All these years later, I don't get why she respects my father.
"If you want to get me to do something, maybe don't call me Jadey." I look at her from beneath my eyelashes. We are in the kitchen of our Greenwich home. I can see the sun rising in the horizon and it blinds me temporarily so I use my hand as a shield. "You could also close the blinds. What is the obsession with natural light lately?"
Gizelda sighs. "Listen, Jadey, you know as well as I do that there isn't anything that will get you to be a decent daughter to your father. However, This labor day party is particularly important to me because I planned and this is a way for me to get my name out there so that high profile clientele will be amazed at my skills and I can get my party planning business off the ground." I lift an eyebrow and purse my lips. I knew it was something more than her just wanting me to support my dad. I pick up my cup of mint tea infused with CBD and take a loud, generous sip. Gizelda sighs, "what Jade?"
"Nothing nothing. I just assumed that you enjoyed the comfy life of being the trophy wife of a wealthy hotel mangant?"
"So you have aspirations of being me?"
"Outside of having to have sex with my dad, it does seem like a comfy job, yea."
"Oh really? Nathaniel was asking about you. Should I set you guys up?" Gizelda cocks her head to the side, her luxurious blonde hair cascades over her shoulder and catches the light. It looks like golden wheat. She lightly bites her lower lip and raises a perfectly manicured golden eyebrow. I give her a sultry smile.
"That would actually make my day. Please do so." It's been so long since I was able to tear someone down, that I actually feel like I'm becoming a better person. He is exactly what I need.
Gizelda gives me a smirk and quietly taps away on her phone. I look at the time on my phone. I have to go if I want to take the train.
"Bye, aging barbie. I have to go, otherwise I will be late to work." I hop off the black stool and languidly make my way towards the front of the apartment. I grab my ratty Gears of War bag and duffle bag containing my work uniform and breeze on out. As I walk down the steps, I search my bag for a scrunchy so that I can gather my invasively, long hair into a ponytail.
Having so much hair is truly a bother. I often find myself standing in front of a mirror, with my favorite pair of sterling silver hair shears. My long, soft black hair, gripped tightly in my hands. I stare it down as I would try to pump myself up to cut it.
But I'm vain. I can't bring myself to cut it off.
My hair is the only thing I like about myself.
Flashes of light brown hair pooled on top of sandy, olive oil skin dances in my memory.
I quickly shake it off.
.
.
.
It takes me 3 hours to make it to my job at the Manhattan Neighborhood Library.
"Hi Jade," the husky voice of Jalisa reaches my ears the same time I remove my airpods. I give her my brightest smile. Person number 2 that I respect.
"Well here I am, ready to pay my debt to society." I shrug and look around the room that is lit with mostly natural light and dimly lit lamps.
"As if you would rather be anywhere else in this world." Jalisia smiles at me and it makes my heart pound briefly. Flashes of naked, soft, peanut buttery brown skin against my own dance across my mind.
I bury the memory and give her a half-hearted glare.
"I have an audition this saturday. With any luck I won't be here for that much longer. I will be scouted and then too famous to even think about my days in this place."
Intrigue lights up her beautiful brown eyes and a half-smile lingers on her face.
"An audition? This must be important for you to share this juicy information about your life."
Damnit. She got me.
"Yes. They are doing a rival of the musical "Rent." I say sheepishly, looking away. This information is so much more revealing and intimate than I want it to be.
"Wow, who are you auditioning for, Johanna? No, with your personality, you're more of a Maureen." I look away, my face heating up to an unbearable temperature. "NO WAY!" she gasps loudly.
"Lower your fucking voice!" I try to keep my cool, however the redness on my alabaster skin gives me away instantly.
"You're auditioning for MiMi? I would think that you would hate her character. She's vapid, flighty and is easily swayed by the love conquers all trope."
"I swear to God, if you breathe a single syllable of this to anyone, I will rip out your intestines, strangle you with them, and dump your body in the dirtiest river that I can find."
"What do you expect to happen when you audition and you get the part?"
"I'll cross that bridge once I make it that far."
"Hi, what's the wifi information?" A mousey guy comes up, nervously, avoiding eye contact with the both of us. I shoot Jalisia another glare to keep her mouth shut. She bares her teeth at me before giving her full attention to the guy and helping him out.
I roll my eyes and push past him, making my way to the back of the counter so that I am able to clock in and get the day over with.
.
.
.
At the end of the day, we lock up the library and hit up a bar a few blocks away. I nurse my glass of cheap whiskey and the feeling of it burning my throat as I swallow. Jalisa, and the other boobs who we work with that I don't bother to remember their names.
I check my phone and check the time. I need to start my long trek home.
I down the rest of my whiskey in one go and make eye contact with Jalisa to signal to her that I'm leaving.
"Jade it's not even 10. Come on, stay up past bedtime tonight." One of the nameless boobs comments to me. I don't even bother looking at them.
"Let me walk you to the station princess," Jalisa offers as she gets up. I don't bother to reject her offer, she doesn't listen.
We make our way out of the bar and into the breezy, warm night air. I don't say anything to her as we walk towards the train station. Unlike anyone else who works with us, Jalisa knows that I'm not from this side of tracks. She knows that my dad is rich and is a prick of the worst kind. She knows that I want to desperately be an actress on my own merits and not because my father or mother knows a guy or a girl or whatever. She knows so much about me.
Well…she doesn't know about Beck.
Or what I did to him.
What I did to us.
"You're doing it again," her low and lazy voice pulls me out of my mind and back to reality.
"I'm not doing anything."
"Mmhmm?" I can tell that she has one perfectly manicured eyebrow lifted in subtle disbelief. "You can't lie to me princess."
"My dad is having a thing this Saturday after my audition. He wants me there and to not fuck things up."
"Are you asking me out on a date princess?" I can hear the smile in her voice. My heart pounds lightly, but I keep my mask firmly in place. "Nah, you couldn't be doing that. That would be admitting that you have actual feelings and emotions. Our Ice princess doesn't have anything like that."
"So is that a no?"
I feel her warm body suddenly embracing me from behind and she lays a bunch of overly dramatic kisses on my face. I laugh involuntarily and try in vain to break away.
"I would love to help you piss off your dad. But you have to promise me something first."
"No."
"You can't get something for nothing."
"You either want to go or not. I'm not making any deals to do something that I potentially won't want to do just so you can come to my dad's dumbass event."
"Ah, but you're already indebted to me for making your sad, dreary life just a bit less sad and dreary. Wouldn't you agree?"
"You're not going to let this go are you?" I groan audibly. "What is it?"
"Consider moving in with me."
"I already told you-"
"This isn't some con to get you into a relationship with me. This is purely because it isn't safe for you to travel back and forth, this late, every night. I understand that rich people are weird as fuck and you feel compelled to make yourself suffer for some asinine reason, however, comma, I hate worrying about you and having to wait 3 hours before I find out that you weren't sexually assaulted on your way home and is bleeding out at the back of the train."
"Nothing is going to happen to me. I have 2 tasers, a pair of brass knuckles and my favorite pair of scissors."
"Yea, but do you have those things to protect yourself or just because you like torture devices?"
"Why can't it be both?"
"I'm not asking you to make any decisions. Just consider it."
I sigh. I have been considering it. The commute is hell and I would be able to make it to alot more auditions if I lived in Brooklyn.
"I'll consider it."
.
.
.
Once I settle on the train, relax in my seat and close my eyes. There is a lot on my mind and it's tiring me. Truth be told, I need to go back to seeing my psychiatrist and therapist to unpack a lot of the shit that has been bothering me.
I don't feel like being vulnerable. I don't want anyone getting to know me. Jalisa knows way too much about me already. It's why she doesn't want a relationship with me.
It's fine. I don't want one with her either. The occasional fuck is enough intimacy for me.
Infact…
I lean back and allow my mind to drift to one of the many nights Jalisa and I were together. We were both drunk and high, lying on her bed listening to whatever artist she was obsessed with for the week. I was humming along to the beat when I felt her fingers trailing along my exposed clavicle, making me tingle and shiver. I tried to ignore it and kept humming. But then she leaned over and started kissing my neck.
The memory of her soft lips on my neck is forever burned in my memory. I remember moving, to give her better access to my neck, moving my own hand to the small of her back. Feeling moisture and heat collect in my groin. Her hand trailing down my body to my skirt and slipping underneath.
Her lips gently trail from my neck to my face and kiss all around, but never landing on my lips.
She pulled back from me and she's different. Gone are her light blonde locks, hazel eyes and soft features. In their place is a sharp jaw, chocolate brown eyes and, beautifully shiny, fluffy hair that falls perfectly into place.
"Beck…?" My heart races. The mask that I always keep so perfectly in place falls.
"Hey gorgeous….missed me?" His voice is literal music to my ears.
Before I could respond, his lips are upon me. Hot and impatient. My mind is so dazed that I am unable to stop him. Not that I would want to. I will never want him to stop.
He engulfs me into him. He smells of cinnamon and sandalwood. I missed this scent. I missed this feeling. I bring my hands up to his hair and grip it tightly, allowing myself to melt into him and press myself closer. I feel him mumble something into my lips. I don't want to hear him speak. I just want him to take his clothes off.
He pulls away from me and I can hear him clearly.
"I fucking hate you Jade West."
I lurch awake and look around wildly. I can hear my heart in my ears. Fuck.
It was just a dream.
Just a dream.