"Please do not become so hurt by life that when someone loving comes along, or something good happens, you resist allowing the love and joy in."

― Karen Salmansohn

4 Years ago

Jade

I do not know what his fucking deal is. He has been in a fucking mood all week.

I'm pacing around my room, trying to calm down. I can barely even think straight. I really don't know what his deal is right now. I can't talk to him about anything. Not to mention that he has been hanging around that suck hole Vega every night this week. I feel so stressed out. Why does he feel the need to constantly be around her?

What is it about me that isn't good enough?

I feel an incredible amount of rage surging through me. What the fuck?! Why does he do this?! The only thing I do is fucking love him and he treats me like this?

I grab a black, painted jewelry box off my dresser and throw it as hard as possible to the wall. It breaks and the contents spill out onto the floor. This act of destruction didn't do anything to assuage my emotions.

But fuck.

I love him. I love him so much, I love him more than anything and he has been weird as fuck lately. He barely responds to me, he is snippy and rude and mean. He's easily triggered. I don't know what I did to make him so angry and upset with me.

Fuck!

I snatch up perfume bottles, make up pallets, jars of various items that contain human remains and I throw it all at the wall of my room. I scream and I rage and there isn't anything that is making me feel better. I feel the tears threaten to spill over and I…I….I c-

I rush to my closet and closed the door. It isn't long before I can feel the hot salty water that are my tears fall down my face.

I don't know what I did that was fucking wrong.

I know that I'm mean. I know that I'm weird and psychotic. But he's always been there for me. He neverminded.

He said that he loved me. All of me. So what happened? What changed?

I cover my mouth as my heart beats painfully in my chest. Every breath kills me. I can't take this pain. I don't know what to do.

I just know that he is with her and they are laughing and having a good time. He's telling her that she is sweet and good and kind and that she's beautiful. He's giving her all the parts of him that he used to give me. Holding on to her and making her feel as safe and protected as he used to make me feel.

A fresh new bout of tears over comes me, as I try to fight my way out of my own head.

I really wish he would just break up with me. I really wish that he would just get it over with. I don't like this. I don't like feeling this way. God please make it stop. Please make the pain go away. I can't fucking do this anymore. I can't. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be more like Cat or even that stupid bitch Tori? Why can't I just be happy? I want to be happy so fucking bad. Why can't I just be happy with Beck? Why do I fucking ruin everything?

I'm spiraling.

I'm spiraling badly and I need to stop. I need a fucking life line. I need something, anything to keep from going over the edge.

But I don't have anything. I don't have anyone. I alienate every fucking person. Everyone fucking hates me. I'm a monster and a bitch. Even the teachers at the school all hate me.

Even my parents hate me.

No one loves me.

I hate myself.

.

.

.

.

I awake to the chirping of my phone. I'm momentarily confused as to where I'm at and then I remember that I feel asleep, crying in my closet.

With that memory comes fresh waves of pain and heartache. I smothered it as I wipe the dried tears from my eyes and checked my phone.

It's a message from Beck.

Hey, you up?

A mix of feelings consume me. One being utter relief that he texted me. Even if it's only 3 words and its 1 am. He still messaged me. He was still thinking about me.

But anger is also here. Why did it take him so long to message me? How come he didn't do so sooner? Was he with anyone earlier, is that why he didn't message me sooner?

Fear is here too. Did he not message me because he wants to break up? Is that why he's messaging me now? What is going on?

I feel like throwing up.

I don't want to respond to this. Especially with my emotions all over the place. But I really want to talk to him. I know it's the only thing that will cheer me up. Even if only for a while.

Yea, I'm up.

I bite my lip and stare at my phone as the message sends. I'm desperate to see what he writes back. I feel like an addict, preparing to get high for the umpteenth time. Not giving any single fuck about the fall from the high. And how utterly, devastatingly painful that is.

I really missed you today. I felt like I hardly saw you all this week.

It's because you were helping Vega all week. I type the message but I don't send it. I can't…I know that it will only cause us to argue. Yea, she needed help learning how to take risks and become better at acting for that stupid role that she wanted. But She really didn't need help. Everything comes easily to her, everything comes naturally. Ever Since she's joined the school she's been given opportunity after opportunity. It's honestly not fair. I work my ass off, I try so fucking hard…

Calm down Jade. . . Calm down.

I erase the message and type a different one.

Yea, I miss you too.

Its not the one that I wanted to send. I want to address the thing about Tori, I want to know why he had to be the person to help her. Why couldn't literally anyone else help her. Like Andre, Robbie or Cat. Why does it always have to be him who helps girls out.

Come outside.

I stand up and stretch before opening the door of my closet. I see that the mess that I had made in my room is cleaned up. No doubt by either Clarissa or Marisol. So people were here and they knew that I had a tantrum. They knew that I was upset and yet, no one came to check on me? No one cared that I was in the closet crying and sleeping?

The thought breaks my heart a bit more, but I don't have time to sit and reflect.

I make my way to the bathroom and turn on the cold water. I douse my face in it. I'm hoping that if there is any redness or puffiness that it will be melted away by the cold water. I don't check the mirror though. I can't stand to see it right now.

Once I'm done, I leave my room. It really doesn't matter if I leave this late. Clearly no one gives a fly fuck about me. I'm down the stairs and out the door before I have time to spiral out about how little my family cares about me.

I see him.

Standing there in dark wash jeans, a gray undershirt and plaid shirt unbuttoned. His hair is gently blown by the wind and he has a smile on his face. He is happy to see me.

So much love, joy and happiness surges through me. I don't let it show on my face, I don't want to cry again.

I slowly make my way to his outstretched arms and nestle deeply into him. Inhaling his scent of cinnamon and sandalwood. This makes my heart happy. This makes me feel at ease.

"I've missed you," he whispers into my hair. I hold onto him tighter as a response.

He pulls back from me and gently grabs my chin and lifts. I stare into his soft brown eyes, and I find myself getting lost in their gentleness. The anger and annoyance that has been persisting these past few days are gone. He's like the old Beck that I remember and I just want to fall into him.

He leans down and gives me such a sweet kiss. I feel my neurons firing all up and through my body. My heart and soul heals and I am just basking in the happiness that he provides me.

At this moment, it doesn't matter that he spent the whole week helping Vega. It doesn't matter that everyone hates me. It doesn't matter that my parents don't care about me.

He loves me.

And at this moment, it's the only thing that matters.