Chapter 28
Bella woke up in the middle of the night. Her heart was pounding in her chest, and tears ran down her cheek. She had the same nightmare again: James grabbed her and didn't let go.
"Shit," she groaned. It happened two weeks ago, and although she understood that it would take time to get past what had happened, she wished it would be sooner than later.
When Paul was with her, the nightmare either didn't come at all, or it vanished when Paul spoke to her, comforted her. And Paul was with her most nights, but he was with his friends tonight. They've asked him to go camping with them, and Bella had made him go.
He hadn't been willing to go at first; he had wanted to stay with her and help her sleep better but had given up eventually. Bella wanted him to spend time with his friends too. She didn't want to be the reason Paul's friends didn't see him anymore. This camping trip was some kind of a tradition for them. They did it every summer.
She told him that she had to learn to cope without him. Well, here she was having that fucking dream again and not coping, not at all.
She got up, wrapped her dressing gown around her, and went downstairs to the kitchen to get some water. It was 2 am. Her father was snoring steadily in his room. They had made the case of James their number one priority, and he had told them that there was something fishy about it all. Not just women who didn't want to press charges but something else. Her dad was sure James wouldn't walk free after they had finished the investigation. That was a relief, but Bella also knew that anything could happen. This was America, after all.
Bella sighed, took the water jug from the fridge, and poured the remaining water into her glass. She took the carbon filter from the cupboard and filtered new water into the jug. She had asked her father not to buy water bottles after buying that filter. It was a useless waste of resources to buy water from the shop when you could drink it from the tap. All that waste those plastic bottles made was avoidable.
Bella sat by the table and sipped her water. She really had to find a way to get rid of her nightmares on her own. She couldn't be dependent on Paul, not now when she was moving away soon.
She hadn't ever thought something like that could happen to her. She had that typical optimism bias attitude where one thinks nothing bad can ever happen to them. Now it had. Of course, it could have been so much worse. She wasn't raped, Paul had made sure of that, and she only got some bruises on her hips and arms where James had grabbed her. All the marks on her skin were gone now. Thank God. They had upset Paul every time he saw them.
But would she always feel someone behind her trying to do something bad? She was constantly peeking behind her when she was walking outside. She was fearful at the bookshop when she went to get some books from the back of the bookshop. The feeling made the back of her neck prickle and nauseated in her stomach.
Paul had ensured that she ate well, small amounts rather than a few big meals a day. The brochure she got from the police station said that healthy meals, exercise, and good sleep were essential in getting better after trauma. All that was taken care of, well, the sleep was the most fragile thing for her.
Paul had suggested that she should meet Kai. Kai had helped Paul to ease his guilt. And it wasn't just them doing training and letting out steam but also talking and trying to figure out the main cause for him to feel the way he did.
Kai had told Paul that some kickboxing might also help her get some anxiety out, and he would want to teach her some self-defense skills. Bella agreed that the idea was good. It would make her feel better to know how to defend herself so that she knew what she could do when the panic hit. She closed her eyes when she started to have flashbacks where James' hands were tight around her waist, and she tried to rip them off her. James' mouth was on her ear, whispering what he would do to her.
She felt tears running down her cheeks. Gah.
She definitely would take all the help Kai could offer. This shit couldn't go on.
She would meet Kai when Paul came back from the camping trip. Paul had invited him to have dinner with them.
Her phone upstairs beeped. It must be Paul. Why isn't he sleeping?
She wiped her tears, left the kitchen, and went to her room. She saw Paul's name on the phone screen, and she smiled.
Paul was unable to sleep. Jared and Sam were snoring, having a good night's sleep after a long day, Jared in his campervan and Sam next to him in the tent. They were at the Lake Cresent campground. They had made their usual 15 miles hike and done some fishing. Sam had caught a big trout Paul had prepared for the dinner. He had fried the other half and smoked the other. It had been damn good fish, and they would eat the rest of it tomorrow. It would be excellent with some rye bread and sour cream.
Bella had made him go with the guys, and he was happy she had even at first; he had been against leaving. He hated to leave her. But it had been a very relaxing day with the guys and helped him get his mind out of things that worried him.
The night had been going nicely with the fire and a few beers, but then three girls had joined them, and since Jared and Sam had been too polite to tell them to fuck off, they had spent the rest of the night chatting bullshit with these girls who were there only to get laid. Fuck, that had been annoying. They had brought vodka and tried to get them to drink it, but they had all stuck with their beer.
One of the bitches had followed Paul when he had left the group to call Bella. He had told her to leave him the fuck alone, and he thought she had fucked off, but then the fucking bitch had come to his tent after he had gone to sleep, and Sam had stayed to chat with the other two. By then, he hadn't spared his vocabulary when telling her to go to hell.
Jared and Sam had also kept their dicks in their pants. Thank God for that. If there was something he hated, it was cheating. Hopefully, those bitches would be gone tomorrow or at least wouldn't show their faces anymore.
He was so fucking tired of this shit. He missed Bella and felt restless that he wasn't with her. He knew she was having nightmares without him, and it pained him not to be there to help them go away.
He took his phone and texted her.
Are you sleeping? Hope you're not having that nightmare. Love you and miss you like crazy xxx
He waited a couple of minutes before the answer came. He had already hoped Bella would be sleeping.
Woke up an hour ago and was getting some water. Don't worry I'm ok, it's just a dream. Love you more and miss you xxx
Paul smiled. He wanted to call her, but he couldn't. Sam was sleeping.
Try to get some sleep, baby I call you tomorrow, can't now Sam would wake up. Love you the most xxx
She texted back a heart emoji, a blowing kiss, and a sleeping face.
He looked at Bella's photo on his phone screen. He had taken it at First Beach a few nights ago. She was looking straight at him. Her big brown eyes were sparkling, and she was laughing. The wind was blowing her hair in every possible direction, and she brushed some of it off her face with her hand she had those dancing sea horses and her pearl bracelet. The setting sun made the colors soft in the photo. Paul's heart clenched. Goddamn, she was breathtaking. In every fucking way.
He was happy to see her so relaxed and carefree in that photo. But he knew she needed help, and thankfully, she had accepted Kai's offer to talk with him and maybe do some sparring. Her learning some self-defense skills would make him feel better, too, knowing that she would know what to do if she ever got attacked again. But it was fucking hard to know that he couldn't protect her after she moved. Seattle was a big place, and anything could happen to her there. But he would lose his mind if he continued that trail of thinking; he needed to focus on the good things.
Bella had wanted them to have sex quite soon after the attack, and although he was unsure of himself and what would be right to do, they had almost got back on track. He let her take the lead every time, and she did tell him what she wanted and was comfortable with.
She had told him that she felt safe with him and that nothing he did would scare her. He was on his way believing that, but he couldn't lose himself entirely with her, not yet. Fuck he hated that lowlife James with all he had. Hopefully, that fucking rat will rot in jail for the rest of his life and get raped by his cellmates every fucking day.
Finally, Paul fell asleep and woke up a couple of hours later, smelling the coffee Jared was brewing. Sam was still sleeping. Paul felt sweaty and wanted to get out of the damp tent into the fresh air. He opened the door as silently as possible and hopped out. It was a beautiful sunny morning. He stretched and went to take a leak. Then he walked to the lake shore to wash his hands and face and went to Jared, sitting by his campervan.
"There's coffee in the pot," Jared said.
Paul poured him some and sat on the chair next to Jared.
"Kim is pregnant," Jared said.
Paul was shocked and speechless.
"What the hell, man, why didn't you tell us yesterday?" he asked after recovering.
"I guess I was afraid of what you might think. Shit I'm only 22."
"Hey man, if Kim being pregnant is what you want, what the fuck does it matter what we might think. That's huge. Congrats, man," Paul said to his friend. He was a bit stunned; were they really that old they were starting to become parents? Fuck. Guess they were.
"Thanks. I'm happy and terrified at the same time. Not sure if I'm fit to be a dad."
"You'll rock as a dad," Paul said honestly. Jared had the best parents one could ever hope for, so he would be fine, better than fine.
"Is Kim happy?" he asked.
"Yes, she's over the moon. One of the first things we discussed when we met was that she wanted to be a mother someday. Now she will be." Jared sipped his coffee. "Of course, it is still very early, something like five or six weeks, and anything can happen," Jared sighed.
"The money is the issue. We hadn't planned this. How can I support a family when we are hardly getting by as it is? Kid costs big time."
"Hey, all that kid needs are love and food on the table. Rest is less important," Paul said.
Paul had once found himself thinking about Bella being pregnant. The thought hadn't freaked him out, which was a miracle. He had never thought about having kids, but before Bella, he hadn't been ready for any kind of relationship either. Being with Bella had made him want all ordinary things in life, but only with her.
If Bella would ever get pregnant, he would be fucking happy. The idea of her carrying his baby was mind-blowing. She would be an amazing mother and make him a good father. It was the way she was; she made him better in everything.
"You guys will be fine. And you have many people helping around."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. And I'm fucking happy, man."
They tapped their coffee mugs together.
"What's the occasion?" they heard Sam ask.
Bella was leaning on Paul's back, pressing her cheek between his shoulder blades. Her hands were under his t-shirt, skimming on his abdomen, fingers tracing his muscles softly. She inhaled his scent and closed her eyes. She loved moments like this. Paul was making the finishing touches to their dinner. Kai was coming for dinner at any minute.
And then the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," Bella got up to her toes, kissed the back of Paul's neck, and went to get the door.
Behind the door was a middle-aged Native American man with friendly eyes.
"You must be Bella," the man said, "I'm Kai."
"Hello Kai, yes, I'm Bella. Please come in. Paul is in the kitchen."
Kai came in. He was shorter than she had expected; he reminded her a bit of Mister Miyagi in Karate Kid movies. Maybe more by association than anything else, but he had gray hair that was a bit slim on his forehead, and his eyes were narrower than typically Native Americans had. Bella had actually imagined Kai to be something similar to Paul as mister Miyagi was for that boy, whose name she couldn't remember. Paul had laughed his ass off when she had mentioned that to him.
"It is nice to meet you finally," Kai said to her, "I've heard quite a lot from Paul."
Bella blushed and didn't quite know what to say. "I've heard quite a lot about you too. And I want to thank you beforehand that you want to help me, us."
"Don't mention it. I want to do as much as I can. I was terrified to hear what happened, and I know it will take time to get over an experience like that, but I know a few things that help to control the fear and the anxiety and eventually to get rid of them."
They came to the kitchen, and Kai went to Paul and hugged him. They tapped each other on their backs, and then Paul took the chicken out of the oven.
"Nice to see you, man," Paul said, "food is ready, go and have a seat."
"Can I help?" Bella asked. For obvious reasons, she often felt useless in the kitchen, but she had decided to learn to do something useful.
"Yes, you can crab those noodles and the sauce and take them to the table," Paul told her and kissed her cheek.
She did as she was told, took the dishes to the table, and sat down.
Paul brought over the chicken and the salad.
"Paul, that looks and smells amazing," Kai said. "If it's as good as last time, it is the best damn chicken I've ever eaten."
"Thanks, man. It should be the same, can't remember exactly how I made it then. The chicken is from a small farm nearby, and I think it's better this time. You'll be my judge," Paul chuckled.
Bella took little chicken and topped her plate with the chickpea salad and noodles.
She felt a bit bad for letting her vegetarianism go, but she couldn't help; the food Paul made was so good. But she ate only meat and fish that Paul had made for her.
"Oh my God, Paul," she moaned after tasting the chicken, "this chicken is divine." She hadn't honestly ever tasted chicken that was that good. It was tender and moist, the flavors from sweet and sour to hot but not too hot chili, and was it cilantro and lime? She loved cilantro and lime.
Kai shared Bella's opinion and was moaning too.
"You boy really know how to make food taste good. I'm so happy that you're going to put this talent of yours to good use," Kai said.
"Yep, it's good. I only hoped it wouldn't take two years to get it done," Paul answered and took a big bite of his chicken thigh.
"It'll fly past fast after you get it started. So, you will be a marine biologist," Kai said to Bella.
"Yes, that's where I'm aiming at. It's a demanding subject, so well, see. I used to think that I would become an English teacher, but after living in Hawaii, I just realized that saving oceans is what I want to do, maybe teaching kids to take care of the oceans," Bella told Kai.
"That is pretty impressive," Kai said, and she could see in his eyes that he meant it.
"Well, we'll see if I'll get past all the studies. If I fail, I've set my mind to own a bookshop," Bella chuckled.
"Not a bad choice of a career either," Kai said.
Dinner went nicely; they chatted and ate their stomachs full.
"That was excellent, Paul," Kai said after cleaning his dessert plate. "Now, Bella, I was wondering if you would be comfortable enough to talk with me about what happened, how it made you feel, and what kind of nightmares you have. I've helped a few people get rid of bad dreams by simply going through what had caused them and doing mental image training with yoga and meditation. I also give energy treatment, which sometimes helps. I was thinking maybe three-four times, before you leave, once a week. And then have those workout and self-defense sessions too. How does that sound?
"I think it sounds good. I have one more online course I have to finish before the end of this month and two reviews waiting and work, but I'll make the time. This is important," Bella said.
"Paul, if you don't mind giving us the space to talk now, it would be great. But after the talk, I'm sure Bella wouldn't mind having you with her," Kai said.
"Sure, I'll go to see miss S and take her what's left of the dinner," Paul answered.
Bella felt her anxiety rising, but she wanted to do this. Talking with Kai would be good for her. She knew it.
They cleaned the table and kitchen together, and then Paul left after kissing her and hugging her tightly.
"Ok, Bella. Normally we wouldn't do this after such a big meal, but I think we can start your healing path today."
That night Bella was nauseous and throwing up constantly, but in the morning, she felt much better than in a long time.
The talk with Kai had been a strange experience. She had told him what had happened, and Kai had held his other hand on her lower back and his other hand on her abdomen when she had started to feel the fear and anxiety rising. She had cried, and Kai had told her that she would probably feel nauseated after, but she shouldn't be afraid of that. It was perfect for the process if she let out all the bad she had stored inside her. Call it cleansing, if you will. Well, it was very physical evidence of all the bad she had inside of her. And now, some of it was gone.