Chapter Nineteen
Sudden insistent pounding on the front door drew Melissa's attention from the laptop. She was sourcing information for contractors to call for quotes on the security improvements Jane had recommended for the house. She smiled when Kelly popped her head out of the kitchen where she was busy cooking up a storm, something about a celebratory breakfast. It was adorably domestic.
She pushed the dining chair back, rising to her feet. With a cheeky grin she said, "I'll get that. Don't burn the bacon."
The pounding kept coming, increasing in intensity. Melissa shook her head and called out, "Alright, alright. Hold your horses."
The smile that graced Melissa's lips, thanks in many parts to the night she'd spent reacquainting intimately with her wife, fell when she saw what greeted her behind the front door. Jane's hand planted firmly against the door frame and her eyes attempted to search further into the house. She looked rough, restless, broken. Melissa knew that look, or rather she knew a similar look. She took a whiff just to be sure, thankfully she didn't smell any alcohol. Jane's eyes were wild. "Jane, is everything alright?"
"Is she here?" Jane ground out through her teeth, her voice dangerously low.
"Who? Kelly?" Melissa was hesitant, she didn't like the way Jane was shuffling her feet. She was antsy. "Yeah she's here."
"I need to talk to her."
Melissa didn't like the look she saw in Jane's eyes when she met her gaze. There was a tumultuous storm behind them and it gave her genuinely bad vibes. Whatever this was about, it wasn't good. She adjusted her own footing a little, blocking the view inside the house with her own body the best she could. "She's busy right now. I can pass along a message if you'd like."
"Not good enough." Jane's voice remained low, but it had kicked up a notch. She was insistent. "I need to speak to her now."
"Not until you tell me what's going on." Melissa implored. She had experienced broken Jane first hand. She knew the pain of the woman's tongue when she was bitter and she knew what Jane was more than capable of when suitably motivated. When she had lost herself. She looked so very lost.
Jane stepped forward, attempting to push past Melissa. "Get out of my way," she growled, barely casting a glance at the woman she was attempting to shove aside.
Melissa braced her feet and gently pushed Jane back outside with her forearm, knowing that if Jane really wanted she would get past her. Just as she knew that if Jane had really wanted to she could have just let herself inside. So whatever was happening in her friend's mind, there was a part of her trying to respect their friendship. She attempted to use that to her benefit. She placed a hand on Jane's wrist gently, "Look at me Jane. Let it go. Whatever it is, it can wait. Just look at me."
Jane's eyes glanced towards Melissa, a brief flash of humanity appeared, but it was gone almost as quickly. "Kelly," she yelled, "I know you're in there. Get your ass out here."
Melissa's body tensed up as she heard Kelly's footsteps approach. She allowed herself a brief moment to glance over her shoulder and shake her head at her wife in an attempt to silently indicate this wasn't the time. Turning back to Jane she firmly said, "You're not here to talk Jane. You're here to fight. My wife, Jane. You're here to fight my wife. Don't do this."
Those words definitely got Jane's attention, but not in a positive way. "Your wife?" Jane roared, her eyes honing in on Melissa's defiant features. "Your so called wife has been undermining my fuckin' relationship every damn chance she can get."
Well that explained a lot. Melissa half turned to look at Kelly who had stopped a couple of feet away. Her face was drawn tight and her entire body tensed up. Melissa swallowed thickly, this wasn't good. This was so far from good. It was so far from good, it was downright fucking awful. "Is that true?" She asked, her voice a little shaky, worried. Jane was the closest thing to a best friend she had while Monica was stuck an ocean away. Jane was more than that too, she was simply put, the person she could trust the most. "What is she talking about Kelly?"
"Yeah Kel, tell her all the shit you've been sayin' to Maura behind my back!"
Kelly ran her hands through her hair, her nervousness apparent to Melissa. She simply shook her head and said, "I don't know what she's talking about."
Melissa's heart sank. Her wife had lied to her face. It was so obvious. Could it even count as a lie if she knew she was lying from the get go? She had to wonder. She turned back to Jane, "Forget about her right now. Talk to me, Jane. Tell me what's going on."
"Just let her try what she came here to do." Kelly's bitterness was so loud in her ears, she could feel her wife's breath against her neck. Was this woman trying to get herself killed? Was she trying to get her killed? Afterall, she was now the meat in a very hostile sandwich.
Jane's arm flew past Melissa's shoulder as she attempted to grab Kelly by the scruff of her shirt. Melissa had no choice but to drive herself into Jane's ribs and push the woman back through the door. "Jane," she said firmly, "Look at me."
Jane very slowly and deliberately pulled her withering glare from Kelly to Melissa. She shrugged Melissa's arms away from her body and said, "Maura left me because of her fuckin' bullshit. So get out of my way."
Jane's admission of what was driving her sent a pang of pain through Melissa's chest. She had to protect Jane from herself and she had to protect Kelly. Whatever the truth was, it was likely to be something less sinister than Jane clearly felt it was. Because Kelly just wasn't that kind of person. "I'm so sorry. But this isn't the answer. This won't fix what's broken. Don't do this to yourself. Kelly's your friend. She wouldn't deliberately try to hurt you like this and you know it."
"She doesn't care about anyone other than herself," Jane spat bitterly. "It was all to worm her way back into your life, you've gotta know that Missy. Tell me you can see that."
The one thing Melissa could see was the desperation in Jane's eyes. The heartache. The fear of losing her too. Fuck. She couldn't wrap her head around Maura leaving Jane. Maura wasn't her favourite person mostly because of the way she looked down on her, but she was as sturdy and faithful as they came. Jane wasn't making any sense. Surely Kelly couldn't have done that much damage to their relationship, no matter what she may have said? God, what did she say?
Melissa turned to look back at Kelly who had her arms crossed over her chest as she stood there glaring at Jane. What the Hell had happened to these two? They were great friends. If it hadn't been for their friendship she would never have met Kelly. She would never have realised that love could be so good. She was so thankful for their friendship, why weren't they? "What did you say to Maura? Don't lie to me this time. If you do, you can forget last night ever happened."
Melissa's last sentence apparently hit home. Kelly's shoulders slumped and she nodded, resigned to the necessity for honesty. Jane's eyes narrowed. Melissa could tell her friend was trying to figure out what she was talking about, but that was a conversation for a later time. "Go on, spit it out."
"I just told her the truth. I told her you left for Chicago because you were still in love with Jane."
"You're not blind Kel, you fuckin' knew she was insecure! You manipulated the situation to get your foot in the door with Missy, knowing full well she wouldn't want to see you after you fuckin' dropped the marriage knowledge on Gabby." Jane's voice had lowered, but it was still clearly dangerous.
"I thought she knew," Kelly growled, attempting to defend herself.
Melissa stood between them to keep them apart, but so she could also turn her head and pay attention when each spoke. She had to know for sure they were both being truthful. She knew them both well enough to know when they were lying. She couldn't see any lies and she didn't know what to think. Her heart was aching, hating that the two most important people in her life were at war with one another. She couldn't deal with it if they didn't resolve their issues. She needed Kelly. She needed Jane too.
"Why would you tell Maura that?" Melissa finally asked, needing to hear Kelly's truth on the matter, because Jane's truth painted a painful picture. A picture of betrayal of her trust. If Kelly manipulated her way in, what else was she hiding?
Kelly rubbed her face and turned her head away, her eyes fixating on a random point down the road. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Finally she turned back to Melissa and said, "I was angry. I was convinced you would never want to speak to me again and Maura was kicking me out. Jane had already ripped me a new one and quite honestly, I was feeling spiteful. So I told the fuckin' truth. Maura needed to know."
"Bullshit!" Jane roared, "She didn't need to know shit!"
Kelly rolled her eyes and pointed over at Jane. "Do you see the way she looks at you, Missy? I sure as hell see it. Maura could see it too. That's why she left. Not because of anything I said."
Melissa sighed. She had half a mind to just let them duke it out. They were just going to go around in circles. She needed to talk to Kelly, she needed to sort out the trust issue she could feel about to rear its ugly head. She also needed to make sure Jane was okay. She was practically living her worst nightmare. This was far, far worse than when Jane and Gabby had butted heads. She at least had Maura on her side trying to keep them from killing each other. All she had now was herself. As if she didn't already have enough on her plate.
Melissa had a decision to make, because as much as she was tempted to let them fight, it wouldn't help anyone. It would only make things worse. Plus Jane was likely to murder Kelly. She glanced at her wife and felt a nagging doubt build in her chest and when she looked at Jane she simply empathised with her heartache. Heck, she'd lived it in the past. She knew precisely how bad it could get when Jane was heartbroken over Maura. It made the decision for her. "Kelly, Jane and I are going to go for a walk."
"Like Hell we are," Jane bellowed, clearly still aggravated.
Kelly refused to meet her eyes. She simply shook her head and walked back inside, closing the door behind her. Melissa's heart lurched a little with the belief Kelly probably felt like she was choosing Jane. She wasn't. She was choosing the more urgent need.
"Jane," she said softly in an attempt to stop her friend's eyes from burning a hole in her front door. "Let's take a walk. Okay?"
"What happened last night?"
It was eerie how Jane shifted gears so quickly. Melissa actually took a step back from the intensity in Jane's gaze. It felt a lot like her friend had realised last night was important. Melissa just didn't understand why, given everything Jane was dealing with. She didn't want to rub her own joy in her friend's face, either. Not when her wife was the current target of Jane's rage. A rage that needed to simmer down. Once Jane had a chance to cool off she would realise she was just trying to find someone to punish for her pain. Melissa just needed to avoid becoming collateral damage while waiting for that to happen. "That doesn't matter right now."
"She had her bags packed. She was going to leave, wasn't she? What changed?"
"Are you asking because you're worried about me? Or are you asking to find another reason to hate Kelly?"
Jane shook her head and waved her off. "You know what? Forget it."
Melissa watched Jane walk away, her guts churning violently. Jane was a danger to herself at this moment. She couldn't leave her alone. She chased after her friend and reached out to grab her shoulder in an attempt to get her attention. She ended up stepping backwards quickly when Jane whirled on her, her eyes filled with seething rage.
"I'm worried about you, Jane. Please."
"Go back inside, Missy. Worry about your wife. She's inclined to think we're in love. Maura sure seems to fuckin' think it." Jane's words were a warning, but they were spoken with such bitterness that Melissa was torn. Clearly Kelly had opened a can of worms that Jane hadn't been able to close. She couldn't understand it. Also, what on earth did Kelly mean by the way Jane looked at her?
Melissa shook her head, her brain processing so much information it was almost overloaded. She wanted a rewind for the morning. She couldn't bear the broken look staring back at her from Jane. She honestly just wanted to hold the woman, but she couldn't. Firstly she doubted Jane would allow it and secondly until Kelly was secure in their relationship it would only feed the doubts that she'd used to feed Maura's. God, she felt so bad for Jane and Maura. "I'm so, so sorry this happened to you Jane."
"Yeah, me too." Jane sounded defeated.
"Do you need a meeting?"
Jane closed her eyes and dropped her chin. "Probably. Yeah."
"Do you want me to go with you?"
Jane appeared to study her for a long time before slowly shaking her head in the negative. "No. I'm sorry if anything I said causes trouble for you and Kel… truly."
Melissa believed her, but she didn't bother acknowledging it. Jane didn't need things to be about her, or Kelly at that moment. "We can take that walk, if you want to?"
"No. I gotta go find somewhere to live." Jane looked at Melissa for a long time, a sudden softness in her eyes. She managed a sad smile. "Go be happy, you deserve it."
And then she was gone.
Melissa sat down on the front step, deeply shaken by the events that had taken place. Shaken by the look Jane had offered before departing. Shaken by the knowledge of Kelly's spiteful reveal to Maura, a reveal which quite honestly would have been all conjecture, because she had never admitted that to her wife. Not a single time. She hadn't had a chance, having only consciously realised it the day before herself. Was there anything else she ought to know?
"Is she okay?" Kelly's surprisingly timid tone alerted Melissa to her wife's presence behind her.
"No Kelly, I don't think she is."
A silence fell over them both for what felt like a very long minute.
Kelly sat down on the step next to Melissa and fixated her gaze on the front gate. Quietly breaking the silence with a second question. "Are we okay?"
Melissa wondered the same thing. Had they rushed into something they shouldn't have? Had she? She couldn't imagine a life without Kelly by her side, but then she had once felt the same about Gabby too. She shook her head sadly. Why did she always find herself attracted to jealous women? Jane was the only one that had never acted possessively jealous about her friendships, but then again, she was never overly keen on Maura's friendship with Gabby. So she probably had the same jealous streak. She clearly had a type. "Do you really think there's something going on between Jane and I?"
Kelly's head snapped towards Melissa's scrutinising gaze. "It was hard not to think that yesterday, after what Gabby said she saw. But last night, last night made me realise otherwise."
If that was true, why on earth was her wife so freakin' antagonistic towards Jane, who was clearly heartbroken? Her chest felt heavy with doubt. Was the proposal even about Kelly loving her unconditionally and believing in her heart that she was truly the one? Or was it merely a tool to manipulate her emotions? Was it done out of fear? "Why did you tell Maura I was in love with Jane when I left for Chicago?"
Kelly sighed heavily. "I already explained that I was essentially burning all the bridges I had left during that moment."
Melissa shook her head, it wasn't what she meant. "I mean, what made you so sure to share such a theory in the first place? I never made a single indication that was even true."
"You forget that I saw you and Jane together in Boston? You forget the chats we had when she was working? You were so fuckin' in love with her, Missy. A blind man could have seen it." Kelly sounded exasperated.
"And then we spent years together, Kel. The only reason you're here is because you are as certain of my love for you now as you were of my love for Jane then." Melissa hoped her dismay made her displeasure with Kelly's decision to lay landmines at Jane's feet very clear. "The one thing I was sure of about you… that I loved the most, was that you fought for what you believed in, but you didn't fight dirty. That's now two instances I've seen since you've been here of you fighting dirty."
Kelly flexed her jaw and turned away from the intense stare of her wife. "It's like you haven't heard a word I've said to you in the last couple of weeks. That night changed me."
Melissa didn't know what to say. She had heard and she understood, more than anyone else could. She had been the one bleeding out in her wife's arms after all. She just didn't understand how it could be used to justify hurtful, spiteful behaviour. She most certainly wasn't giving up on Kelly, she loved her, regardless of this apparent new side of her, but she didn't like it. "You need to stop using that night as an excuse for being an arsehole, Kel."
"I'm not proud of what I did to Gabby or Maura with my comments. I most certainly didn't actively go into those conversations with an intent to hurt or cause doubt, but I did. I can't change that. I just hope you can afford me the same level of understanding everyone, myself included, has been trying to afford you for seven fuckin' months."
Kelly's words felt like they were genuinely contrite, until they were genuinely very bitter. Melissa sighed. She deserved it. She was the last person who should be passing judgement on her wife, given her own hurtful behaviour during the past year. She reached out for her wife's hand, thankful when she entwined their fingers together. This was what a grown up relationship was really about. A willingness to have the difficult conversations and not cut and run the moment it got tough. "You're right. You've no real idea how badly I feel about my behaviour from the last eight or nine months. Yet you haven't forsaken me. You're still here."
"Yeah, I am."
Melissa leaned into Kelly's side and wrapped an arm around her waist. She sighed, her heart still ached, but not with doubt about Kelly's intentions. Her ache was for Jane and what she had lost. She was going to need a friend and she wasn't exactly teeming with options. Gabby most certainly wasn't going to step up, she was and would always be team Maura. Her wife probably wasn't someone Jane wanted anything to do with, which left her as the only option. It was a shitty option. For both of them. Jane had already lost the woman she loved and if she ran to her for the support she needed it would only reinforce whatever misinformed view Maura had about their friendship. Kelly would also hate it. "Ugh," she muttered out loud, absently.
"What's wrong?"
"Jane's got nobody but me." She hadn't even been able to finish her thought without feeling the apprehension flow through Kelly's body. "See the whole way your body stiffened just then? You don't trust me."
"I don't trust the two of you in an emotionally heightened situation. You're still recovering from trauma and now she has her own fresh trauma. Mutual trauma brought you two together once before." Kelly at least showed a willingness to be honest, which Melissa appreciated, not so much the words that were spoken.
"So what am I supposed to do honey? Am I supposed to just let her wind up back at the bottom of a bottle? Is that what you're asking me to do?"
Kelly shook her head. She knew better than that. "I dunno, Missy. I dunno what I'm asking. If I'm even asking. I know you have to do what you have to do. I just hope you understand that you're all that matters to me."
Melissa gently guided Kelly's chin with her hand so that they were looking at one another, allowing her to lean in and capture her lips tenderly. It took a moment to feel her wife respond, but once she did Melissa felt much more settled. She ran her tongue along Kelly's bottom lip, seeking to deepen their connection. It was a short, tantalising meeting of tongues, which ended with foreheads pressed against one another. "I want you. Only you, Kel. I didn't say yes to making our marriage more than a technical one just to turn around and betray that. You have nothing to worry about. I promise you."
Gabby had been hoping for a nice lazy Sunday. Her body ached from the exertion the day before, between throwing her entire body into fighting Jane and then following up by catching an entire seven innings, she was spent. She had successfully talked Melissa - not that it took any convincing - into taking Charlie for the week to give her the time she needed to focus on Alexis and after the rough start, the evening had gone delightfully well. Come to think of it, she may just have had a few aches from her extra curricular activities with her girlfriend. Her brand spanking new girlfriend.
Gabby had been in that pleasant state of freshly awake but half asleep, just gazing at Alexis while she slept. It had taken her back to when they were younger and how she would sometimes just lay in bed pretending she was asleep until she heard Alexis' breathing even out, just so she could fall asleep watching her girlfriend sleeping. It was a little silly and maybe a little creepy, but she loved it then, and she most certainly enjoyed it this morning.
Unfortunately her phone not only woke Alexis up but dragged her out of her own happy place. When Gabby finally managed to grab the offending device and send the caller to voicemail, she saw all the notifications she had. Maura had sent her at least seven text messages before trying to call. Gabby groaned when Alexis asked her if everything was alright, because it so clearly wasn't. She called Maura and listened to what she had to say, before hitting the mute button and regretfully informing her girlfriend that there was a best friend crisis that couldn't be avoided. A pouty look quickly straightened out into a supportive nod of approval once Gabby elaborated that Maura had left Jane. Gabby then unmuted herself and told Maura she was on her way.
So no, Gabby wasn't getting the lazy Sunday she had hoped for, far from it. Driving up Howick street she couldn't help but look to her right when she was passing Melissa's home. She saw Jane, Melissa and Kelly all out on the front porch and it looked heated. Jesus Christ. Her relationship hadn't even been over for a morning and Jane was already at Melissa's door. Gabby shook her head, intent on making sure Maura knew she had made the right decision. Her best friend clearly deserved better.
She didn't need to knock when she arrived. Maura was waiting, the front door open. Gabby didn't even manage to get a word out before her best friend walked right into her arms, burying her face against her shoulder, a wave of soul shattering sobs filling the foyer around them. Gabby's arms instinctively wrapped around the smaller woman and she simply held her, letting Maura dictate how long it went for. She didn't have to say a word. She knew better.
The fact Maura was so openly weeping, told Gabby more than she ever thought she would learn. This wasn't who Maura was, well not to this extreme. Her reticence toward outward displays of negative emotion had been tempered over the last couple of years, but this was still a surprising extreme. Then again, they had ridden the darkest of days together and she had proven she wasn't a lightweight when it came to protecting Maura. Her best friend knew she was safe with her and that she wouldn't be judged.
They stood there in the foyer with the front door wide open long enough for Gabby to have lost track of the time, but she didn't care. She simply stood rubbing circles against Maura's back, holding onto her friend until her sobs died down into the odd hiccup of grief. Content that Maura was finally more evenly keeled, she quietly said, "I'm right here. Whatever you need Maura."
The fact was Gabby half expected that they would have sat around drinking tea, skirting around the basics of what had happened, but never delving too deeply. Or that Maura would shut down and she would just be there. She may have even needed to disappear into the kitchen and tidy up, using busy work to appear non threatening but remain present. Maura waiting on her and wrapping herself around her while sobbing so heart wrenchingly had not been on her bingo card for the day. That didn't matter though because while she had learned how to help the emotionally reserved with her feelings Maura, years of experiencing raw guttural out there for the world to see pain with Melissa had her fully equipped to handle what was actually happening. No matter the combination of grief Maura chose to throw at her. Be it reserved or be it as blatant as the sobbing had been. She was fully prepared.
After Maura finally released her hold and had closed the front door behind them they did end up sitting around drinking tea, discussing the events that led to Maura looking so uncertain and grief stricken. Gabby felt like her friend was having second thoughts, not that she had come outright and said it. It just seemed the most logical conclusion. To have held a love so precious so close for multiple years, only to walk away? Well she sure knew exactly how Maura was feeling. She knew doubts would settle in, but her belief was simple on the matter: if you chose to leave it was for a good reason. Don't look back. She'd looked back and all it had proven was that she had been right the first time. She left for a reason and she should have stayed gone.
Gabby sat back in the recliner, nursing the cup of tea Maura had made for her. She studied Maura closely. Her friend seemed small sitting on the couch, sipping from her cup. At least she wasn't crying anymore, though Gabby had to wonder if there were any tears left to cry. The sobbing on her shoulder had gone on for an incredibly long time. "I'm really sorry."
"Don't be," Maura replied softly, her eyes barely lifting from the cup in her hand. "It was my decision."
Gabby sighed. Just because it was Maura's decision, didn't mean it was her fault. There wasn't a woman she knew as logical and reasonable as her friend. She may have made the decision, but Gabby was one hundred percent sure that Jane gave her a reason. She just hoped her actions the day before hadn't contributed too much to the decision, because she had been out of her mind with jealousy.
It felt like the day Melissa had walked away from Jane all over again. The moment she had shown up ready to declare her feelings, only to see Melissa kiss Jane like she was all that mattered on the planet. She had almost retreated there and then and in hindsight she realised she should have. But that's all it had felt like. She didn't truly know what was going on and as messed up as Melissa had been since she returned, she had never done anything behind her back. She didn't trust Jane as far as she could throw her, but Melissa said she was in love with Kelly, so there was no way known anything would have been going on with Jane. "I really hope my unhinged emotional raving yesterday had no impact on your decision, Maura."
"You were clearly emotional, I disregarded all your conjecture and only considered the facts. Those facts were quite unsettling, but ultimately just spoke to a larger pattern of behaviour." Maura sounded so calm Gabby half wondered if she was detaching from the situation to avoid feeling the pain. She'd tried that too, it didn't help. It would only come back and hit a hundred times harder.
"So just a little then?" Gabby sought to clarify.
"You're not responsible Gabby."
"So what exactly happened then? I mean, if you feel comfortable discussing it?" It wasn't that she couldn't hazard a guess based on what her best friend had already said. Jane's apparent inability to let Melissa go had become too much. It made sense anyway, because why else would Maura walk away from a woman she loved more than life itself?
"It wasn't any one thing. It was a multitude of little things. Things I thought I could live with because Jane came home to me every night."
Gabby couldn't tell if Maura was going to go into more detail, or if she even wanted to. She was quite frankly still reeling at how openly emotional Maura had been. Granted the conversation had felt quite clinical, but there was vulnerability being shared. "So is this a permanent thing or are you pulling a Ross and Rachel?"
Maura's facial expression couldn't have been more puzzled if she tried and Gabby had to hold back her laughter, while elaborating further on what she had meant. "I'm sorry Maura. It's a reference to the sitcom Friends…"
"Oh I know that," Maura informed matter-of-factly, "I'm just not sure any of that entire situation was reasonable or comical. If you choose to call 'a break' why would you be bothered by your non partner exploring their options? Is that not the whole point of taking 'a break' in the first place?"
"So you're okay with the idea of Jane exploring her options?" Gabby probed, taking advantage of a chance for further insight into her best friend's headspace.
"I'm not sure that will ever feel okay to me. However, I want her to. I want her to truly take a moment to step back and process all of her grief, whether it be for me, Melissa, Gabriel Dean or her high school sweetheart. I then want her to do whatever she needs to do to figure out what makes her happiest."
Gabby took a long sip of her tea, trying to bide time, knowing that her face probably screamed incredulity. She wasn't Jane Rizzoli's biggest fan and she was all for supporting Maura, but she was starting to wonder if Maura was cutting off her nose to spite her face. Did Jane have a tendency to be overly concerned about Melissa? Yeah she probably did, but did she love Maura? Yeah, she absolutely did. "That's a huge risk you're taking, what if she doesn't come back to you?"
"Then it wasn't meant to be."
"You'll have to forgive me on this one Maura. You're really not making a lot of sense. I know how much you love her. Why would you take this risk?"
Maura set her cup down on a coaster on the coffee table and folded her hands over in her lap. She found a point on the wall behind the television to stare at, clearly struggling with putting into words her reasoning. It absolutely broke Gabby's heart and if it turned out Jane had truly done something to bring Maura to her knees like this, if it wasn't just Maura getting too far into her own head… she would end Jane. She already had half a mind to do so just knowing that Jane was already at Melissa's doorstep, looking for God knows what.
Maura finally turned back to Gabby and met her curious gaze head on. "There has been a steady flow of moments in the last few weeks providing practically irrefutable evidence that Jane still harbours very real romantic feelings for Melissa. She says otherwise, but Gabby I can't lay down with her every night knowing that she is thinking about that woman. It's relentless. Her entire focus since you stepped away from your relationship, has been on Melissa."
Gabby immediately felt two emotions quite strongly. The first was regret for her inadvertent role in all this because of her inability to cope any longer with Melissa's mental health issues. The second was a white hot rage towards Jane for leaving Maura feeling this way. Her nails dug into the arms of the recliner. "I'm so sorry, Maura. If only I had helped Missy better… if I hadn't needed to walk away for my sanity…"
Maura's hand flew up in the air. "Just stop. You did the right thing. Jane's actions were inevitable. It wouldn't have mattered, not after we received the details that Melissa's attacker in Chicago was unmistakably a Hoyt apprentice."
Gabby felt her heart drop into her stomach. All the colour drained from her face. She remembered reading all about Hoyt when Maura was telling her about his impact on Jane. He was a vicious psychopath. The thought that someone aiming to carry on his name had been the one to have Melissa in his grasp was almost too much. Was everything that happened to Melissa because of Jane? Was Melissa a target because she was in Jane's orbit?
"Jane certainly blames herself." It was as if Maura could read her mind.
That was enough fuel right there to stoke the furnace of Gabby's hatred for Jane, which focused firmly on the belief that she was the reason things never worked out for her with Melissa. Her stupid punchable face had been all it took for Melissa to finally move on once and for all, even if it did take her ex three damn years to figure that part out. Still Gabby gritted her teeth and tried to look at the situation logically, taking emotion out of it. For Maura's sake. "Yeah and that's got to be eating her alive, Maura. Do you think maybe you've moved a little fast in your decision making given the circumstances?"
Maura's eyes had never seemed so dangerous before. "How would Melissa have felt if you and I held each other, displayed other forms of physical affection and said we loved each other? How would Alexis feel?"
Gabby swallowed thickly. So it really was about what she had witnessed. She had no doubt that if someone she was romantically involved with saw her and Maura in the same kind of situation they would be very unhappy. But it simply wouldn't happen, because they knew better and their feelings for one another were purely platonic. Perhaps Maura was right. Perhaps she had been right all along. Perhaps it had been more than her own jealousy at play when she had launched her assault on Jane.
"I saw Jane on the way here. She was in the middle of something with Missy and Kelly." Gabby had been in two minds about saying something after needing to hold Maura together for so long upon her arrival. It didn't feel right talking about what she had witnessed, but now? Now she felt Maura had to know. She had to protect her heart. There wasn't a bone in her body that had any lingering doubts. She was certain Maura was right. She was certain that she was right. It was going to take every ounce of will power she had not to strangle the life out of Jane for putting Maura through that. Her best friend deserved so much more than that.
"I'm not surprised. Jane doesn't seem to realise I know her very well. She's been acting incredibly jealous of Kelly, so it doesn't surprise me to learn she's already down there."
It may not have been a surprise, but Gabby was sure of one thing, it had hurt. She kicked herself. She shouldn't have said anything. Maura was already going through enough as it was. She really wasn't prepared for this. She thought she had been, but her own loathing of Jane was getting in the way. She couldn't be happier at the thought of Jane no longer being a part of Maura's life, but that was selfish and self centred. Her job as best friend was to put Maura's interests first and she didn't feel like she was doing a very good job at all. "I shouldn't have said anything. Not yesterday and not today. I'm too biased when it comes to Jane. She's why Missy was finally able to move on from me. She's why I missed my chance. I don't see straight when it comes to her, Maura. That's not fair to you."
"I'm well aware of your bias, Gabby. I assure you I take that into consideration. The facts remain irrefutable based on Jane's actions, not anything you've said."
"Look, all I know is before yesterday I believed without any doubt that Jane worshipped the ground you walked on. So I can't help but think that objectively speaking, that's still the truth." It hadn't been easy for Gabby to say, far from it, her chest was still filled with a visceral anger towards Jane for the threat she posed to Maura's happiness and Melissa's safety. She may have been in the middle of moving forward from her romantic feelings for Melissa, but she would always feel protective of her. She just had that way about her. It was why she trusted Jane to take care of her in the first place, because she recognised that Jane felt equally protective. Had she inadvertently set all of this into motion?
"When she saw the files on what happened in Chicago and announced to me it must have been an apprentice, her first thought… her only thought was to run to Melissa."
Gabby watched fresh tears trickle down Maura's face, feeling absolutely stunned. Guilt laden or not, that didn't sit well with Gabby. Not one single bit. "Is she worried he could come back?"
Maura nodded.
"So she's sure he's still a threat and she ran straight to Missy? You'd be his number one target, Maura. What the fuck was she thinking?" Gabby's fingernails dug into the arm of the recliner once more. It was Jane's duty to take care of Maura above all others.
"She wasn't thinking, Gabby. It was all instinct."
And that right there was why it all made sense. Gabby's chest felt heavy with the realisation there wasn't an easy fix for this. Because she wanted there to be one. Despite her own feelings on the subject, she wanted what was best for Maura and what was best for her was Jane. Well, a different Jane than this one. This one had clearly lost touch with reality. "I'm so, so, sorry."
Jane clutched the glass so tightly she was surprised it didn't break. The smell of cheap whiskey mixed with cola flashed her back to long nights in the motel room after Maura broke her heart the first time. Funnily enough she had found a room two doors down in the same motel for the short term while she figured out her next step. She'd fallen for Melissa back then without even realising it. It had taken Maura to help her realise it, which was some kind of next level wacky shit. That wasn't what was going to happen this time, no matter what Maura intimated. She just had to figure out how the Hell she was supposed to prove it.
Jane ordered the drink fifteen minutes ago and hadn't yet succumbed to the desire to consume it, but she felt like she was right on the brink. Her mind just kept replaying the night before repeatedly on a seemingly infinite loop. From the moment Maura handed the ring back to the last arching of her back beneath her touch. She especially couldn't shake the sound of Maura coming undone, she'd never quite experienced it at that level before. She wondered if it was the potential finality of it all that drew every last drop of excitement from Maura's vocal chords. Or perhaps she had simply reached that next level of understanding her ex-fiancée's body. Hell of a time to do it.
"Did you take a sip?" Melissa asked quietly, sliding into the booth opposite her.
One quick glance and Jane saw how concerned her friend was. She slowly slid the glass across the table and nearly imperceptibly shook her head. "Not yet. Thanks for coming."
"It's the least I could do."
Melissa looked tired. Jane understood that feeling all too well. She hadn't slept for more than ten or twenty minutes in a day and a half. Jane slowly dropped her vision from her friend's eyes down to her left hand. She had caught a glimpse that morning and it had given her a reason to walk away from the situation. Only she couldn't locate the object of her curiosity. Jane glanced back up at ocean blue eyes and asked, "What happened to the ring?"
Melissa wore a look of resignation on her face. "So you did see that this morning?"
"Yeah. You didn't wanna tell me, so I didn't push it." There was a lot more she would like to say on the matter, but it wasn't her place. The last thing she wanted was to get in the way of Melissa's happiness. The woman deserved to catch a break. So Jane vowed to try and not say anything bad about Kelly even though she couldn't stomach thinking about her taking advantage of Melissa like that. It was incredibly too soon for whatever the hell kind of proposal or conversation or what have you happened that culminated in Melissa wearing Kelly's ring.
Melissa's hand immediately went to a chain around her neck, her fingers gliding along it and pulling the ring out from underneath her shirt. "I didn't think it was an appropriate time given the circumstances."
Jane put her hand up to wave over a server, she needed something non alcoholic to drink, maybe even something to eat. Though she wasn't sure she could stomach any food given her state of mind. "You can always tell me when something good happens for you, Missy."
"So you do think it's good then?"
It was a curious level of hesitation that Jane heard in Melissa's voice, causing her eyes to move from the young woman headed in the booth's direction back to her friend. "I was assuming you did given you're wearing it."
Melissa smiled at the waitress and handed Jane's alcoholic beverage to her. "Could you dispose of this for us? Thanks. Also I'll have a Diet Coke and a bowl of chips. Do you want anything, Jane?"
"Make it two Diet Cokes." Jane added, her gaze not really leaving her friend. She was curious to figure out why Melissa seemed so hesitant. Perhaps she had some sense to realise this move was incredibly too soon given she had only just gotten out of a relationship with Gabby. "So Kelly wants to make your green card marriage a real one huh?"
Melissa didn't answer for a while, she studied Jane in return. Finally she said, "She makes me happy Jane. I really fucked up cheating on her and leaving her in the first place. She asked and I said yes. I owe her a greater sense of security."
If there was one thing Jane was sure of it was that a ring didn't mean jack squat as far as security in a relationship went. Melissa didn't owe anybody anything, especially not Kelly. "Bullshit. If you tell me you want to make this thing real because you want to spend the rest of your life with her then I'm all for it, Missy. But if you're tellin' me you said yes to appease her lack of trust in you? Then you're making a mistake."
"I've known for a long time I wanted this to be real, Jane."
Melissa's eyes practically pierced her soul with their intensity. Jane had to look away. She never thought the day would come where Melissa would look so confident about anyone who wasn't Gabby. It didn't sit comfortably with her at all. She picked at her thumbnail, choosing to focus on that instead of the numerous emotions stirring within.
Melissa reached out and covered one of Jane's hands with her own. "Even though things are progressing there, it doesn't mean I'm gonna disappear just when you need me. I'd move mountains to be there for you when you need it. I hope you understand that."
"Well you're here right now ain't ya?" Jane attempted to laugh it off, because she was feeling so unsettled and she couldn't pinpoint why. She could only hypothesise it was because she didn't trust Kelly not to hurt Melissa. The woman had proven too volatile of late. Too prone to bad judgement calls. Potentially a little too obsessive. She didn't care who she hurt to reach her goal, which was not a trait she could appreciate in anyone. Especially when her own relationship had fallen victim to Kelly's ruthlessness.
"Yeah I am. I'm glad you called me. I know it can't be easy right now." Melissa paused, her eyes scanning their surroundings. "I probably shouldn't have ordered anything."
Jane shrugged, knowing all too well that Melissa was the one person in her life that knew exactly how difficult it was to reach out and try to stop the downward spiral. She didn't want Melissa to feel as if she had to be perfectly attentive to every little thing. "There is so much alcohol available in this city. I don't think it matters where we talk or when we talk. If I truly want to drink, I'll drink. Sitting here is no more of a temptation than sitting alone in my motel room."
"Well I'm glad you're fighting the urge. You're well on your way to three years of sobriety. Don't let this be what breaks you. Don't give her that power over you."
Melissa was doing her best to play supportive friend and Jane appreciated it. She felt like she would be completely lost to herself and maybe even the world without that support. She may have allowed herself to be temporarily distracted by Melissa's 'happy' news, but the soul shattering pain of losing Maura was still very much at the forefront of every single emotion that rolled through her body. Her desperation had slowly eroded into an anger that was only growing. It wrapped around the sadness that washed over every inch of her body. There was a tightness in her chest she couldn't escape. An anxiety that was threatening to become debilitating.
She tried to push it all down. She tried to focus on Melissa. It was all she had to keep her sane. Because Maura had literally pushed her into a no win scenario. She either gave up everything she had worked for in her new home and returned to Boston to start over, or she had to lean on Melissa. She wouldn't survive this heartache alone. It was either her biological family or her found family that would need to help her and the only person she could stomach being in the same room with was Melissa.
"This is bullshit," Jane muttered, her thoughts forcing their way into the room around them. She had to smile apologetically at the waitress who had returned with their drinks and the serving of hot chips. "Sorry, my internal monologue got away from me."
The waitress simply smiled and left their order on the table before disappearing as quickly as she had reappeared. Jane immediately felt Melissa's absence when she removed her grip on her hand to pick up her glass. There was a level of comfort there that she didn't want to delve so deeply into, because she knew all too well that Maura's assertions would only mess with her assessment of any interaction or sensation she experienced with her friend. It was just nice to be cared about unconditionally.
Jane took her alcohol free cola and swallowed a couple of mouthfuls. It wasn't satisfying in the slightest. She could still smell the whiskey as if it was right in front of her, she craved it. She craved about half a dozen beers too. Anything that could begin to dull her pain. Anything that could make her forget for a while, because she ached to forget.
"So you got a motel room for the night?" Melissa enquired between bites of a crinkle cut chip.
"Yeah. For the week actually. I, uh, I'm not sure what my next step should be. Maura said that she'll take me back if I am sure she's who I want."
"Well that's a good thing right?"
Jane laughed sadly. "I already told her she is where I belong. She didn't listen. Insists there are unresolved feelings between us. I dunno… I dunno how to fight that."
"Maybe she just needs a little time."
Melissa looked so hopeful when she spoke that Jane almost didn't want to disappoint her. "She says she needs time. She says I need time. She says I need to explore how I truly feel and yet she refused to listen to me begging her not to do this. I can't explore a thing. I probably shouldn't even be hanging out with you. She'll just see it as more evidence she is correct in her beliefs."
Jane felt the flash of hurt she witnessed in Melissa's eyes and it was precisely the reason she hadn't chosen the route of shutting everyone out. It wasn't fair of Maura to put her in this no win situation. It was actually quite fucked up. If Melissa had ever come to her in the same situation with Kelly or Gabby, she'd tell her friend she deserved better. Because what kind of love would allow a woman to set her partner up for absolute failure?
Jane tried so hard to give Maura the benefit of the doubt. The circumstances were unique and Maura was a pure soul. She couldn't have recognised the situation she was putting them both in. There would be no pleasing her, no matter what she did. Unless she went back to Boston. That thought only tightened the vice she felt around her heart. She couldn't leave Maura. She couldn't leave Melissa. Was that what Maura was trying to tell her? That she was too invested in someone who was simply a friend?
Jane sighed. There was no simply about it. They had been through dark times together. She didn't care what Maura chose to believe. That was on her. She wasn't compromising on how she cared about someone so essential to who she had become. Whether Maura liked it or not, Melissa had been the one to force her to deal with what was happening after Hoyt. Melissa was the one she had hurt so deeply with her sarcastic wit. Her failure to hit the mark with her sarcastic wit. Melissa had demanded she do better and be better, and she was. It wasn't Melissa's fault that she was in love with Maura, not then and not now. Melissa saw it and walked away, forsaking her own heart in the process. If anything Maura ought to be damn grateful that Melissa was someone who loved so deeply, so innocently, so purely.
"Fuck this shit," Jane growled, well and truly aware she had slipped into the muck and mire of her own brain.
Melissa raised an eyebrow in apparent curiosity. "Penny for your thoughts?"
"You'd need a lot of pennies," Jane attempted to quip, but it fell as flat as she felt. She rubbed her face with both hands before meeting Melissa's gaze. "I was just thinking about how you pulled me out of my drinking. Was thinking about how I wouldn't be who I am today without you. Was thinking Maura should fuckin' appreciate that."
"I dunno about that Jane. It was a team effort back then."
"No," Jane's voice was firm, she was convinced of her beliefs. "When you were so adamant about undoing all the amazing work you had done on your mental health and your sobriety to prove a point to me… I've never been more ashamed in my life. I lashed out…"
"Oh I remember," Melissa interrupted. She reached out and squeezed Jane's hand. "I know it took you a minute, but you got there. I'm proud of you, Jane."
"I don't think you understand. That was my lowest moment. Not even Hoyt leering over me with a scalpel scared me as much as telling you to… uh…"
"Eat a bullet?" Melissa volunteered, no trace of negativity to be found. Her eyes told the tale of her intent, which was simply to do some of the heavy lifting in the reminiscing.
Jane nodded, pulling her hands away and tucking them under the table. She didn't deserve to be comforted. Not while they were discussing the lowest point of her life. Melissa hadn't given up on her then. She absolutely should have. If anybody else had said that to Melissa she wouldn't have been responsible for her actions. She would be doing penance for that failed attempt at humour for the rest of her life and nobody, not even the love of her life could demand otherwise. "I am so damn sorry I ever said that."
"I know. You need to let it go, Jane. You've put so much weight into that moment and while I appreciate the results, you've gotta let it go. For your sake. For Maura's sake. She has to come first, always."
"Oh yeah?" Jane asked, her eyes narrowing and almost challenging Melissa, "Then why are you here instead of home reassuring your wife about her insecurities?"
"Hey I never said I was perfect," Melissa admitted, a lopsided smile on display. "This is more of a do as I say not as I do situation."
"She knows what I said to you that night. She knows what it did to me. She knows, Missy." Jane's palms started aching. She rubbed them under the table, thankful that her friend didn't have the opportunity to realise what was happening.
"So she should just spend her life playing second fiddle to your ex-girlfriend?"
Melissa wasn't pulling any punches and Jane didn't know how to feel about that. Since when was Melissa on Maura's side? "So what, you on her side now?"
Melissa shook her head, a sad look on her face. "No Jane, I'm on your side. If I thought you could be okay without her, I wouldn't say anything. But it hasn't even been a day and you're ready to throw away three years of sobriety. One day, Jane. Not even one day."
"There's a bit more to it than that," Jane responded, feeling a touch defensive. She was thankful she had a friend that was willing to have the tough conversations, but it was like everyone in her life was paying little to no attention to the fact there was a psychopathic bastard out there probably already lying in wait. "She kicked me out the same damn day we discovered the link to Hoyt. How am I supposed to handle that? She's putting her life on the line."
"And you drinking helps this how?" Melissa pushed the bowl of chips to the side, apparently done with food herself. "If you truly believe we're in danger, do you think maybe you ought to be at your best? Maybe try and figure out who the sick bastard is before he strikes again?"
Jane's brain wasn't kind. She flashed back to Hoyt leering over her and then it inserted her right into the scene in Chicago. She watched herself walk around the scene, as if she were working it and it left her feeling wretched. She slid out of the booth and half stumbled as she tried to walk it off. She didn't need to be seeing these images in her mind's eye during the day. That's what the sleepless nights were for.
Melissa had an arm around her before she could even react and then they were walking towards the exit. Only stopping so that Melissa could pay the bill, but then she was back to being led outside. "Where's your car?" Her friend asked.
"I walked here. It's in the motel parking lot." Jane replied, motioning vaguely down the block towards the motel's location.
Melissa nodded and kept her hand in a supportive position around Jane's waist. "You're exhausted Jane. I'll help you back there, okay?"
Jane leaned into her friend. Appreciative for the literal physical support, because Melissa wasn't wrong. She had been awake entirely too long and she was now living a waking nightmare in her brain and her feet were unsteady. Apparently she couldn't focus on two things at once.
It didn't take too long before they found themselves standing outside Jane's motel room door. She fumbled with the key, dropping it to the ground. "Damnit," she growled, kneeling down to pick it up, apparently at the same time as Melissa. Their hands touched as her hand wrapped around the key and she couldn't help but lift her eyes, she swallowed nervously, her head swimming with images from Chicago. "I've got it, thanks." She muttered, letting the moment pass. Refusing to see a damn thing into the way her body reacted. She was exhausted and emotionally vulnerable, haunted by the night that nearly took Melissa away permanently. That's all it was.
Melissa took a step back and nodded. She jammed one hand into her pocket and motioned over her shoulder with the other. "I should get back to Kel. Call me if you need me."
Jane managed a slow nod and a half hearted wave. Watching Melissa as she turned and walked away, Jane suddenly understood quite plainly how her friend had fallen into the trap of easing her pain with the pleasures of the flesh. The desire to focus on something other than the images playing repeatedly in your head. The desire to feel something, anything good. There was nothing physiologically more rewarding than building up to and eventually falling over the orgasmic edge. Except maybe a nice stiff drink, for people like them anyway.
Jane opened the door and entered the room. She closed the door behind her and immediately slumped down against it. No energy or desire to move any further into the room. She broke down, tears fell thick and fast and her chest heaved under the pressure of her sobs. She was so far from okay. She shouldn't be alone, but she couldn't… she wouldn't ask Melissa to come back. She wouldn't put them in that situation. Because she was riding a surge of displaced emotion. She was remembering all the awful things she had put her friend through, someone she had loved a Hell of a lot more than she did now and it was crushing. She wanted to find that light again, the light Melissa had shone into her dark three years ago. But she wasn't feeling like herself. She wanted vengeance against two people, one of which she loved more than life itself. She knew that feeling would pass. She knew she would regret wanting to punish Maura for doing this to her. So she fought against the worst of her nature. Because right then, she could so easily call Melissa back and if there was even a slither of something left between them, she'd find a way in and she would get that light she craved. But at what cost? It would most definitely cost her Maura and it would probably cost her Melissa too.
Maybe that's what she deserved.
Jane wiped her tears away and climbed to her feet. She couldn't do that. It wasn't about love. It was about selfish desires. Desires that were nothing more than a monstrous amalgamation of heartache, vengeance and nostalgia. Clearly the best answer for her pain was whiskey. Three years of sobriety had nothing on her fiancée leaving her and the guilt and self loathing from feeling responsible for the tragic events in Chicago. She didn't have the answers the women in her life needed. She couldn't fix this. She was stuck waiting for something bad to happen to even have a chance at fixing it. She was literally waiting to lose one of the two most important people in her life, just so she could hopefully save the other one. It made her feel sick to her stomach. At least she thought it was that. So yeah, whiskey.
Jane checked she still had her wallet and room key, tucking them safely away in her jeans. She ducked into the bathroom and splashed her face with cold water, partially to wash away the rest of her tears and partially in an attempt to wake herself up enough to make the short trek to the nearest bottle shop. She pondered just attempting to pass out, but she knew how that went without the alcohol in her system. She'd be awake in twenty minutes, a new nightmare seared against the back of her eyelids. Fuck that.
Jane left the room, closing the door behind her. She spent a moment just staring at the door, debating if she truly wanted to throw it all away. She had to work tomorrow. She shook her head. Fuck it. She'd just have enough to help her sleep. That's all. Just a couple of drinks to take the edge off, maybe a third, tops. She'd be fine in the morning and nobody would be any the wiser. Her eyes focused on the floor in front of her, while her hand used the wall for balance. She hadn't felt this unsteady in a long time. Probably not since the night she managed to climb into a taxi, a drunken mess and showed up at Maura's because Melissa's kiss had made her feel different. Jane closed her eyes, the memory of that kiss coming unbidden to her mind. It was a damn good thing Melissa had left when she did or she'd have ended up making an ass out of herself.
Jane opened her eyes and took a few steps forward. Her entire body lurched, her head was spinning. What the fuck. She recognised familiar shoes in front of her. She looked up and saw Melissa reaching for her, except she was getting further away. That's because she was falling. Jane would have hit the floor if Melissa hadn't caught her at the last moment. Her head throbbed. She felt nauseous. Her words came out slurred, an incomprehensible garble.
Then, the lights went out.
A/N: Well given my muse was a bit of a jerk last week, it's given you a chapter early this week! Still allow me 7 - 9 days for the next one though, just so I can make sure I keep my life balance. Thank you all so much for hanging in there. Prepare yourselves, the real soapie twists are yet to come...
Holy cliff hanger, Batman! What are y'all thinking right now after that ending? I'm curious!