Red vs Bleu vs Dum

The Reds and Blues across the field of blue base, not shooting each other, while Sarge and Church are addressing each other.

Sarge: We are giving you a chance to surrender!

Grif: There's no way this bluff is gonna work.

Fong: It's gonna work.

Grif: It's not gonna work.

Fong: It's gonna work.

Grif: It's NOT gonna work

Fong: It's GONNA work.

Grif: And how'd you know THIS, is gonna work.

Fong: As long as they're all dumb-asses then it would work.

Sarge: There's positively no way they know were outta ammo.

[BLUES]

Church: (chuckles) Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo...

Tucker and Scott joins the chuckle.

Scotty: They think we're dumb-asses.

Church: (yells back) What're your terms?!

Tucker: Heheh, yea-Their what?

[REDS]

Grif: Our what?

Fong: See Grif? I told you it would work.

Simmons: I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge.

Grif: Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog.

Donut: Oo oo, Sarge - tell them we want the flag.

Grif: Yeah, and some cake!

Wine: I want uuuhh... I want a Giant number 9 hot dog

Sarge: Alright, Blues! First off! We want your flag-!

Simmons: Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.

Hanby: We can take theze bitches off.

Sarge: ...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!

Church: Uh oh.

Sarge: You may know him as Señor El Roboto!

[BLUES]

Tucker: Well, Church, what's it gonna be?

Church: Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.

Sarge: And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!

Church: Uh.. Uh, he's not here any more!

Tucker: Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!

Church: That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French.

Basically: French? I thought that's Mexican?

Scotty: Well what're we supposed to do?

Church: Let's try this: Hey, Reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!

Doc: A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there.

[REDS]

Simmons: Meh, that sounds pretty good to me.

Grif: I don't know, I think we can hold out for more.

Simmons: We don't have any bullets, dumbass.

Grif: Oh, right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal.

Donut: Hey Sarge, I can see a guy with lightish-red armor.

Simmons: Wait what?! Where. Oh never mind i can see him... Why is he wearing shorts?

Sarge: Sweet Bumbling biscuits! They have a Red as hostage. (yelling at them) Hey Blues we want the medic and the pink hostage!

Church: You want the other guy as well!?

Sarge: Yes!

[BLUES]

Tucker: Should we?

Church looks at Flores.

Flores: ¿sí?

[Yes?]

then turns to the Reds.

Church: Alright. Hey Nag- Nag... Nogla!

Nagle: Mmmhmmm?

Church: The heck is wrong with your name? Can't spell that right, calling you Nogla now...

[Nagle = Nogla]

Nogla: Mhm.

Church: Get Flores to the reds.

Nogla: Mhm.

[REDS]

Simmons: Wait, Sarge... Maybe they got more Reds?

Sarge: My... God... Those Dirty Blues, (yelling at Blues) Hey Blues Got any more?!

Church: More?!

Sarge: Yes! More! Reds!

The pink with shorts and green arrives.

Flores: Hello?

Nogla: And goodbye.

Nogla leaves.

[BLUES]

Church: I cannot believe this guy.

Barrus: Wait Church, I got an idea. (yelling at REDS) Well We have this BOFA guy!

[REDS]

Sarge: …Who's BOFA?!

Patterson: OH shit, Sa-

Patterson was stopped by Grif who grabbed him on the shoulder.

Grif: Let... It... Happen...

Simmons: Oh No...

[BLUES]

Scotty: Ohohoho!

Tucker: Oh shit.

Barrus: BOFA DEEZ NUTS!

[REDS]

The Reds befell in silent until it was broken by laughter.

Sarge: … Son of a bitch.

**1 HOUR LATER**

[BLUES]

Church: Hey, Doc. How's the patient?

Doc: Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive.

Tucker: He's talking about Caboose and Delirious, right?

Church: No, I mean their toe and ass. How's the toe and ass I shot?

Doc: What, that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago. And I had to force the other guy to bend over to get that bullet our of him.

Caboose: (sad) Rest in peace, pinkie toe... (in O'Malley voice) You shall be avenged!

Jonathan: You could've shoot anywhere else, my leg, my arm, or anywhere else. Why could it be my ass? Why'd you shoot me in the ass man?

Doc: (sighs) Tell you what... Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help.

Church: Okay! We're gonna send over our medic and the pink guy! Now what do we get?!

Simmons: You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!

Wine: And a huge WOOP-ASS of This Red Dick!

Barrus: Well, Lets better not drop the soap.

Tucker: Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

Church and Scott looks at Tucker

Tucker: What...? You know what, neverminded. Alright. (to the REDS) We've already got that! What else do you have?!

Sarge: What do you want?!

Church: How about if you admit that the Red Team sucks?!

The Reds mutter to themselves for a moment.

Sarge: What if we admit that one of us sucks?!

Grif: NICE. Wait, you mean Donut, right?

**Another Hour later**

Church: Okay then! We agree to the terms?! You first, and then we send over the medic!

Sarge: Get on with it, Grif.

Simmons: Fong, are you recording?

Fong: (with a blinking red light on his visor) Hell yeah I am.

Hanby: Content.

Grif: (grunting sigh) I would just like to let everyone know.. that I suck!

Church: And?!

Grif: And that I'm a girl!

Church: What else!?

Grif: And I like ribbons in my hair! And I want to kiss all the boys!

Wine: Pfffft Ahahahaha!

Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

Simmons: Okay, is that good enough?!

Church: Yeah! (to Doc and Droid) Alright, go ahead Doc.

Doc runs over to the Reds.

Grif: Man, I really hope the two of you're worth this.

Flores: Yes... I... We am... Are very... Worth it.

Doc: Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?

Grif: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

Doc: No water.. Then what do you drink?

Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Fong: (background) Man, somebody needs this toilet fixed.

Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo. Or a Sarsaparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh, occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a piña colada. (singing) If you like piña coladas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Grif just has half a brain, ungh.