Sweet Ride
[REDS]
The Improved Warthog faces the reds and Doc, Wine immediately leaves the vehicle.
Simmons: Okay, I get it. You built a remote control for the jeep into Lopez.
Wine: Why?!
Sarge: Yep. But there's no way anyone could have found out how to turn it on. I hid it in a place no one would ever look. Unless... (turns to Donut) Hey, Pretty-in-Pink, were you messin' with my robot?
Donut: What're you asking me for?
Sarge turns to Flores.
Flores: ... Uhhh, No Sir, Uhhh, it is not me.
Grif: So, someone else controls the upgraded jeep right now? And the two big guns attached to it?
Sarge: Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies. Even if they've figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of code words to control it. Only me, Hanby and my diary know that.
Patterson: Fong?
Fong: Nope, this time, nope.
[BLUES]
Church: There, you hear that?
Tucker: Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?
Church: No, it's just like this constant "beep beep beep" noise.
Tucker: Oh. Then no, I don't hear anything.
Church: Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?
Tucker: No, I was just tryin' to be helpful.
Church: Yeah, well, you're failing.
Caboose: All I hear is that voice, you know, telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us.
Jonathan: I can hear, my own thoughts telling me to skin all of you alive.
Church and Tucker: …
Caboose: Wait, you guys don't hear that?
Cunningham: (Irritated) Man can we hurry this up? I keep hearing this green Dumbass over-here talking about damn ANIME-GIRL Bullshit!
Nogla behind them now having an entire PowerPoint presentation, on the white board, reveals Marin, from "My Dress Up Darling."
Nogla: And This is why I recommend watching "My dress up darling."
Cunningham: Goddammit shot the fuck up!
Tucker: Ehh... I prefer Ranni.
Nogla: You little shit.
Cunningham: Oh my god!
Church: Tucker!
Tucker: What?
Church: Not Helping!
Tucker: Okay Fine... Don't be an Ass about it.
Scotty: I like uhh, .
Barrus looks at him, Scott took notice.
Scotty: What...?
Church: Oh man, I can't take this anymore. Tucker, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy.
"Going to drive me crazy... drive me crazy..."
[REDS]
"Going to drive me crazy... drive me crazy..."
"Going to drive me crazy... drive me crazy..."
Improved Warthog: (emits a series of beeps like the beginning of a dial-up connection) Drive.
Sarge: Jumpin' Jehozafats, they've cracked the code. Those dern windtalkers.
Wine: You kidding Me?! Drive?! You fucking kidding me?!
The Warthog drives straight at Doc and hits him. He lands in the driver's seat as it continues driving away with him
Donut: Hey, he's taking the jeep!
Patterson: Oh Shit! Don't let him get away!
Doc: Help, this jeep is kidnapping me!
Donut: Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.
Fong: (holding a sticky plasma grenade) Don't worry! I got this! (throws)
Sarge: Fong No! The Devil Maker.
Hanby: Sarge no.
Sarge: Aww the Devil Maker's such a good name for the Warthog...
Hanby: Its cringe sounding Sarge, no.
Sarge: Nah screw it... Just Call it the-!
Grif: Get that Chupathingy
as soon as the plasma grenade throws, in some supernatural way, the sticky plasma grenade ricochet the plating of the now called 'Chupathingy' hitting the head of Donut.
Donut: Uh Oh...
The grenade explodes making Donut fly off.
Donut: Owchies... I'm okaaaaayyyyyyy... Owww...
Simmons: Hey, Sarge, new rule. (Reds watching the Warthog drive off into the middle of the canyon) How 'bout we just don't take any more prisoners, since we seem to suck
at it.
[BLUES]
Caboose was knelt down on one knee in front of Church, the beeping still present
Caboose: I see a switch down here. (Whispers loudly) It's not very big.
Cunningham: Was it even?
Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow-Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.
Church: Wait, stop.
Chupathingy: (in background, in the middle of the canyon, emits its series of beeps) Stop. (stops moving)
Church: Caboose... do you know how to work a switch?
Church: Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around so that it's pointed in the other direction.
Chupathingy: Turn around. (Starts turning around)
Caboose: (a small metallic noise is heard) Oops. (there's the sound of electricity) It broke itself.
Church: Ugh!
[REDS]
Doc: Oh man, what now?
Grif: That does not look good. Nice kitty, nice kitty. (Donut starts standing and backing up)
Flores: Oh no, El diablo rojo.
[Oh no, the red devil]
[BLUES]
Tucker: Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red.
Caboose: What about the blue one?
Tucker: That's your thumb, idiot.
Church: Come on, guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out.
Tucker: Eh, I can't tell which one goes over there.
Church: Then just yank 'em both.
Scott: Wait, don't yank 'em both! Its gonna-.
Church: Well, I won't care!
Caboose: (stands up) Church, if we pick the wrong one... (whispers) You could explode.
Church: I don't care, look, just follow the red one.
[REDS]
Chupathingy: Acquire target: red.
Grif: Uh, Sarge, y-you, you may wanna start running. (Donut, Flores, Wine, Patterson and Simmons back away) Now. (Backs away also)
Sarge: Ahhhhh fudge pumps.
[BLUES]
Tucker: Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes... eugh, someplace else.
Church: Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one.
[REDS]
The Red Devil rams Sarge into the wall of Red Base.
Sarge: Oh, I'm pinned!
Improved Warthog: (emits dial-up noise again) Eliminate red target. (The turret gun starts firing and getting progressively closer to Sarge's head)
Grif: You're gonna kill him!
Sarge: What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.
Simmons: Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?
Sarge: No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!
Fong: I don't know Sarge, should i want too? or should I not want too?
Sarge: Dagnabbit, Fong.
Opinion?