He told me to sleep well.
Professor Snape told me to sleep well.
I haven't been able to get those two words out of my head. It took me nearly a week to process my encounter with Snape. Why had he been so kind? So understanding? So…normal?
He and I had never had any issues. I never gave him any reason to berate or belittle me, as he so often did other students, and faculty, for that matter. At least once a day I heard someone think "Teacher's pet", but I knew I wasn't. I simply knew how the teachers were feeling and adjusted my behaviour in class accordingly.
It felt different now, though. He had been in my private quarters and felt comfortable there, and I strangely felt the same. I knew he could cast Legilimens, but I also knew he was adept at reading body language. He must have sensed I was not as uncomfortable in his presence as everyone else is. Perhaps that's why he stayed so long. I don't know what to think.
I knew he didn't, and wouldn't, cast Legilimens on me. For one, I would feel it. And secondly, it is forbidden to use such charms on a student. However, I got the sense that he was as desperate to know what was going through my mind as I was.
Throughout this weeks' classes, I started to feel his emotions in stronger waves. It started out small; a smug pride when a Slytherin answered a question correctly; annoyance when a Ravenclaw did the same; and an incredibly strong aversion to anything a Gryffindor did. A part of me wanted to sit at the back of the class, trying desperately to avoid eye contact. But my subconscious knew I couldn't stay away; knew I needed to know more, to see if I could get close enough to hear his mind clearer. Preferably without the door between us this time.
What concerned me in this development was that it seemed as though he was beginning to feel my emotions, too. I am far too skilled in Occlumency for him to be able to hear my thoughts; it simply wasn't possible. My feelings, however, I weren't so sure. I hadn't met a Legilimens outside of my family, so this was foreign territory.
I started to notice him paying closer attention to me throughout the week. On Tuesday following the tour of my room, he merely lingered in front of me for a moment longer than the other students; briefly scanning me head to toe. I kept my face passive, but I felt nervous, shy even. With a quick tilt of his head and a slightly raised eyebrow, he swept away. It's common for students to feel nervous around him, but my nerves weren't out of fear. I wondered if he'd picked up on that.
This progressed through every lesson for the rest of the week. I started to feel anxious even when he was sitting at the front of the classroom. I could feel him starting to respond to my tension as he tried to avoid coming near me as much as possible. However, even from afar, I could feel his paralleled nerves. I couldn't tell if his trepidation came from his comfortableness in my presence or if he picked up on the fact that I was as in tune with his feelings as he was mine.
On Friday, while practising nonverbal spells, a Gryffindor girl accidentally set her robes on fire. She was mortified by her mistake, and practically trembled with fear when Snape towered over her. I couldn't laugh out loud, I couldn't so much as smirk, but I was most amused and couldn't help but giggle on the inside. I was standing right behind Snape as he dished out his 10-point deduction from the girl. He whipped around to face me so fast I stumbled into the desk next to me. "Is something funny, Miss Goldstein?" I looked up at his looming, dark face, and frowned in confusion. "I didn't hear her laugh! He's hearing things. Finally lost it." Came the familiar mind of Augustus next to me. I internally rolled my eyes.
I stood defensively straight and kept my chin high. "I didn't say anything, Professor." He can't have read my mind, I would know. He must have been able to feel me. Shit. I started to panic, digging my nails into my palms. He still hadn't responded; we were in a stare down. People started whispering around us "He hasn't even punished her for talking back!" "The royal Slytherin treatment." "I guess the Head Girl can do as she pleases." I broke eye contact with him to glare around the room, but I was met with blank faces. I hadn't heard whispers; I had heard their minds. In my moment of panic under his piercing gaze, I hadn't been able to tell the difference. When I turned back to Snape, he looked menacing, one eyebrow cocked, arms crossed; yet he felt confused, and I swear I sensed a hint of guilt too.
I started to chew on my bottom lip; the suspense was killing me. After what felt like hours, he finally drawled, "See me after class," and spun on his heel, striding back to the front of the class.
I turned to Priscilla, the Gryffindor who set herself alight. "Are you alright?" She smiled at me, she felt genuinely pleased I was concerned with her wellbeing. "Yes, thank you. I didn't get burnt, just my robes." She looked down at the pile of ash at her feet and laughed softly. "I didn't hear you laugh, Hazel. I hope he doesn't give you a detention." She whispered, still feeling terrified of the dungeon bat sitting too far away to hear us. I could tell she felt it was her fault he singled me out. "I didn't. I don't know why he thought I did. I'm sure it will just be a scolding, don't worry." I whispered back. "Being Head Girl has its perks." I winked at her, and I could feel the breath of relief from her lungs as if it were my own.
I could feel his gaze penetrating the back of my head from across the room. It was as strong as the night he showed me to my room, and he had been standing inches from me. I took a chance and glanced over my shoulder, thinking he would immediately look away. Instead, we locked eyes, both frowning slightly, as if trying to figure each other out. He was in utter turmoil; the feeling crashed over me harder than I expected, and I felt tears prick at my eyes. I blinked quickly, keeping them at bay and turned around, shaking off the shivers that crept down my spine.
Did Snape's feelings just make me cry?
"Curious."
My back shot up straight and I turned my head ever so slightly, shivers creeping down my spine once more. I heard him again, the faintest of thoughts, barely noticeable. Five metres between us, in a room full of students and, more importantly, no door. I couldn't help but smirk; I felt jubilant. Between his turmoil and my triumph, my head started to spin. I didn't know what he thought was curious, but I didn't let that cloud my win.
Class ended with no further casualties, thankfully. As soon as the bell rang, my classmates all but ran from the room. Being the end of the day on Friday, I didn't blame them. I packed up my things and remained seated at my desk, awaiting my punishment. I hated suspense and, unfortunately, suspense was Snape's favourite game to play. I was fidgeting now, my leg bouncing up and down, picking at my cuticles.
With a lazy wave of his hand, the door slammed shut and the blinds dropped. It wasn't dark, but the atmosphere certainly shifted without the natural light. We were staring at each other, neither of us getting up from our respective seats. He conjured a chair opposite his desk. "Sit." I complied, we still hadn't broken eye contact, my mouth went dry.
I thought he had asked me to stay back because I embarrassed him; he had sensed my amusement and believed I laughed out loud. Hearing things, Augustus had put it. However, I didn't get the sense he was embarrassed, nor was he mad. Merlin, this man is so confusing.
"Miss Goldstein, do you know why you are here?" Why does he feel worried? "Because you thought I laughed at Priscilla, sir?" I saw his lip twitch, the barest of smirks. "Not exactly." He moved a pile of parchment that he had been grading to the side and leant forwards. "I think you know what I'm talking about." My heart dropped; he had felt my amusement. Or had he heard my internal laugh too? I dug my nails into my palms, trying to keep my breathing steady. "Did you…" My voice shook lightly. I was trying so hard to maintain eye contact, but he was so intense. I looked down at his desk, focusing on his quill sitting in front of me. "Did you feel that I was amused, sir?" I slowly brought my gaze back to meet his. "Indeed." Shit. I bit down on my bottom lip to stop myself from swearing out loud.
"But I did hear you laugh." Fuck. How did I manage to let my guards down without knowing? "It was faint, almost as though you were on the opposite side of the classroom." I could feel him become more apprehensive as he spoke. "When I saw that you had, in fact, not laughed out loud, I knew." My heart was hammering against my chest. I saw his expression soften ever so slightly; he must feel my anxiety. Either that, or I am just not hiding it very well. A mix of both, I'd say.
"Knew what, sir?" I tried playing coy, knowing full well he would not fall for it. He sighed. "The only way I would be able to hear your thoughts without casting any spells, is if you opened your mind to me willingly." My jaw dropped. Willingly? He's delusional. "Professor, I can assure you I did nothing of the sort." I tried to sound as confident as possible. Besides, there simply was no way I would have done that. Not knowingly, anyway. "I wouldn't know how to, sir. We don't learn how to practice such magic in school, only the theory." I added for good measure.
He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed; he was not convinced. "What do you know of Legilimency, Miss Goldstein?" My fight instinct kicked in; I couldn't let him find out about my skills. "I have heard of it, the art of mind reading." I frowned at him. "Is that how you heard my thoughts? I believe it is forbidden to use that spell on students, Professor."
He was getting angry. I didn't want him angry at me, but anything was better than him finding out the truth. "I can assure you I did nothing of the sort." He's mocking me now. I clenched my jaw and let out a huff.
We sat for a moment glaring at each other. I could feel the apprehension towards me wash over him again, and it didn't mix well with his irritation. He was at war with himself. My frown softened slightly, and I bit my bottom lip. My inner battle mirrored his, and I became aware of the possibility that we were feeding off each other's anxiety. His eyes flashed to my lips and back again so quickly that I could have imagined it. Without meaning to, I returned the exchange. I tried to convince myself that it was purely a reflex.
His annoyance almost completely faded, and he was left confused again. He sat up straight, regaining his composure. "You may go." I'm shocked; I was sure I'd leave this conversation at least missing a few house points.
I quickly gathered my things and headed for the door. I could feel him watching me, and as I reached the handle, I heard him stand. "Your rounds will begin tomorrow at 8pm." I opened the door, not turning to face him. "Don't be late."