After seventeen years, I am still not used to the inescapable thoughts of the people I am near. When I am overwhelmed, I can simply cast muffliato and be instantly relieved. However, unfortunately, that is not a permanent solution. At some stage, someone will notice I am not listening to them, and I will need to slip back into reality.
Now, however, my day-to-day life has become immensely more difficult. Knowing my soul is bonded with Severus' has opened up a floodgate I didn't know existed. I seem to be able to know how he is feeling at any given moment, no matter the distance between us. If we are within ten metres of each other, it feels like his mind is mixing with mine. I am beginning to lose track of whether I am feeling his emotions or my own.
Being in the same room as him feels like I am physically carrying him on my back. Though it is not unpleasant, it is quite heavy. I know he is feeling the same way, too. Wherever I go, if he is near, his eyes will find mine instantly. It is as though we call out to each other, though neither of us mutters a word.
Uncontrollable as it may be, we must always look away from each other as fast as possible. The students, staff, and portraits all love gossip. Though it might not seem strange that a student would be looking at a teacher, it would certainly raise some suspicions if Severus Snape, hater of all students, was seen paying attention to one in particular.
Being with him in class is manageable, seeing as he must attend to other students. However, it is quite fun hearing the comments he can't make out loud. Just about every single lesson he will call someone "insufferable" or a "foolish child". He also berates our previous D.A.D.A. professors for how poorly they have taught us. Though he doesn't mind voicing these opinions openly to the class, he keeps the more vulgar comments to himself. And me. "You can't blame them for being behind. We did no practical learning last year. You know how much of a vile toad Umbridge is." I reminded him. He had to cough to cover up a laugh.
It is being alone with him that is almost unbearable. When we are walking through the halls in the dead of night, I feel like my skin is on fire. My hands twitch and my knees tremble. I thought doing rounds with him was difficult when we could simply feel each other's emotions. Now that we are in each other's minds, a whole new level of tension hangs in the air.
He has a mind of steel, though. It seems I am only able to hear what he allows. Which is more than I would have expected, so I am not exactly complaining. Though I know he is my teacher, the strength of his mind compared to mine feels like the greatest power imbalance. While my mental walls are strong, his are impenetrable. It is as though he has free reign, while I am left fumbling in the dark.
In the first two weeks of rounds, we attempted to maintain some physical distance. He would walk on one side of the hall and I on the other. Catching students who dared to be out of bed past curfew was easy. I could hear them from the opposite hall and alert Severus. "Crabbe and Goyle are around the corner. They're heading to the kitchen again."
I liked to stay hidden while Severus dished out his punishments. Not many people know I assist him on his rounds, and I would like to keep it that way. I would not be very popular if everyone knew it was really me catching them sneaking out.
By my third week of being his personal spy, our unspoken agreement to keep our distance was forgotten.
"I can hear two people snogging around the corner." I beckoned him to stand beside me on my side of the hall. If he had kept walking, they would have seen him. "Who?" He stood behind me, close enough that I could feel his body heat. We aren't often this close, and when we are, the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. "Pansy and Blaise." I turned my head and looked up at him. I always seem to forget how tall he is until he is right next to me.
I gulped; my knees felt weak. "They're getting pretty heated. Blaise already has a hard-on; you might want to interrupt soon." I couldn't tell if I wanted him to step away or step closer. I bit my lip, trying to fight off the shivers that spread down my spine. He raised an eyebrow and took the smallest step forwards. "Blaise really wants this to go further, if you catch my drift." I don't know what he is waiting for.
"I have caught Mr. Zabini in this situation one too many times. I think it's time he gets caught with more than just his tongue down someone's throat." He smirked. My jaw dropped, but before I could laugh out loud, he pressed his hand firmly against my mouth, stopping me from blowing our cover. "Quiet." He warned, backing me into the wall. A familiar surge of magic erupted the second he touched me. Sparks shot from his fingers, through my cheeks, and down to my chest. My heart started to race, and I know his did too.
His eyes were piercing into mine. I breathed in deeply; his hands smelt clean and sweet. A complete juxtaposition to the dark and greasy dungeon bat. I couldn't help but smile. "You can take your hand away from my mouth now, Severus. He's unzipping his pants." I didn't really want him to take his hand off me, but I did feel somewhat bad for Blaise. "Hide." He tried, and failed, to suppress a smirk and dropped his hand.
I quickly cast a disillusionment charm and crept behind him as he rounded the corner, both of us keeping our feet light. Although I felt guilty, I didn't want to miss the show. "I would advise you to zip up your pants, Mr. Zabini." Severus' voice echoed in the silent halls. "And I would strongly advise you to button up your shirt, Miss Parkinson." Blaise and Pansy yelped and fumbled around, trying to make themselves decent. Pansy had tears in her eyes, and Blaise was shaking.
"This is not the first time I have caught you here, Zabini. Though it is the first time I have caught you with Parkinson." He was adding fuel to the fire, and he knew it. Pansy gasped and slapped Blaise hard across the face. I had to bite my lip to keep myself from laughing. "You're disgusting, Blaise! You told me you had never done this before!" Pansy was bright red, both from embarrassment and anger. "Save your melodrama for another time, Miss Parkinson. Twenty-five points from both of you." They both groaned. "Get out of my sight, or I will make it fifty points and detention with Filch."
I had to press myself against the wall as they both sprinted past me. As soon as they were out of sight and earshot, I removed the charm and finally let out the laugh I had been suppressing. "That was the best thing I have seen all year." I wiped away the tears that had formed. I was still grinning when I finally looked up at him. My heart skipped a beat. He was smiling. A real smile that only comes from pure joy. He didn't enjoy punishing students, as I know he always does; he enjoyed seeing me laugh.
As quickly as his smile came, it vanished. "Shall we continue?" He started walking. I blushed, following next to him. I didn't want to walk on opposite sides of the hall anymore, and I gathered he didn't either. "It's quite fun watching you embarrass students. Although, I would hate to be on the receiving end." We were walking close enough that his robes were brushing against mine. "I doubt you will ever be on the receiving end, Hazel." I hated sounding like a teacher's pet, but I loved hearing him praise me.
As we were about to round another corner, we heard the familiar, ear-splitting cackle of Peeves the Poltergeist. "Poor old Filchy, wet as can be! Poor little Norris, same fate as he! Peeves will find another to drown; let's just wait and see!" Through his chanting, we could hear Filch chasing after him, his wet shoes squelching on the stone floors.
I turned around and began running back the way we came. I really didn't feel like getting wet tonight. Just as I was beginning to panic that Peeves would catch up, I felt an arm wrap around my waist and a hand clamp over my mouth. I was dragged into a pitch-black broom closet. I couldn't see anything, but I didn't need light to know whose body was pressed against mine.
Butterflies erupted in my stomach, and my knees went weak. He dropped his hand from my mouth, but his arm was still wrapped around me. The feeling of his chest pressed against my back made my legs give way. He tightened his grip around my waist to steady me, and I whimpered. "Thank you." Even in my mind, I sounded like I was choking. He slowly spun me around and took a small step back. Given the confined space, he couldn't move very far. We were still close enough that I could feel his breath on my face.
"Peeves likes to linger. We will have to wait it out." He sounded out of breath, and I don't think it was from our short run. "Do you hide from him often?" I jested. I was trying desperately to think about anything other than the overwhelming desire for him to put his hands on me again. "The intolerable poltergeist is relentless, so yes." I laughed softly, imagining him scurrying away to his hiding place to avoid being drenched.
"If you think it's so funny, I will gladly put you back in the hallway. This closet is cramped enough for one person." He threatened. We could hear Filch cursing at Peeves; they were still close. "Sorry." He knew I wasn't. Although I couldn't see him, I know he rolled his eyes. The darkness was beginning to irritate me. I reached for my wand, but before I could cast lumos, he put his hand on mine and lowered it.
Once again, I felt magic seep through his fingers and up my arm, sending shivers down my spine. I can't keep ignoring this. "What is that?" I prayed he couldn't either. I reached out and plucked my wand out with my other hand, placing it back in my pocket. He didn't drop my hand, as I expected him to. Instead, he slowly entwined his fingers with mine, locking them together. "The magic caused by a bond is powerful." I felt his breathing become ragged, blowing irregularly on my face.
"I would like to try something." He was so nervous. I squeezed his hand once, giving him my consent. I didn't really care what he did with me. "Trust me." He slowly brought his free hand up and rested it gently on my cheek, wrapping his fingers behind my ear. For a moment, I thought he might lean in and kiss me. The thought made my core ache. He released my hand and brought it up to rest on my other cheek. The feeling was so overwhelming that I whimpered, leaning into his touch further.
"Place your hands on mine." He instructed. My hands trembled as I brought them up to rest on his. An indescribable heat flowed through us. The longer we held on to each other, the hotter it got. It felt like casting a patronus for the first time. So profoundly full of happiness and faith that it was almost unfathomable. "Everything I have read indicates that bonded souls will experience surges of magic like this when they move towards what the universe has intended for them." He is still anxious.
"Do you think the universe intends for us to touch?" I sounded so naïve, but I needed to know what he thought. "It seems that might have something to do with it." His fingers started to weave through the hair at the nape of my neck. The heat from his hands shot straight to my core, and I had to clench my thighs together. When I said I didn't want to get wet tonight, this is not what I meant.
I felt the same heat shoot to his groin, and he dropped his hands so suddenly that I stumbled forwards. I clutched onto his robes; I was so weak that I couldn't let go or I would fall. I hung my head, panting. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let this go on for so long." He gently pried my hands off his chest and stood me up. "Peeves and Filch are gone. It's late, you should go to bed." I was so light headed I couldn't respond. I could feel tears well up in my eyes, and my chin started to tremble.
From that night on, it became almost impossible to stay away from each other. In class, I would sit as close to him as I could. At dinner, I would sit at the head of the table, right in front of the staff. During rounds, we would walk side by side, close enough that our hands would occasionally brush past one another. I could tell he was fighting a war within himself. Every neuron in his body ached to touch me, just as mine did. But his mind was begging him to stay away, trying at all costs to save himself from getting hurt.
While I felt completely at his mercy, he still had his guards up. As time progressed, I could feel him slowly giving in to the strength of our bond. The term "bonded souls" couldn't be more accurate. I felt as though my soul was reaching out to him, holding on for dear life. My heart, too. It was a petrifying feeling to imagine my heart and soul belonging to someone like Severus Snape. I don't know if he feels the same, but I can tell he has conceded to the shift in the atmosphere when we are alone.
One night during our hunt for misbehaving students, I decided to test the waters. I needed to know how much longer he would keep up his façade.
When we first began rounds together, Severus would send me back to bed no later than 9:30. However, after our closet rendezvous, he seems to want me to stay with him longer. He doesn't admit that, though. He always says that he has a feeling there will be trouble, which there never is. It's past ten o'clock, and I can tell there aren't any students around.
Our hands have brushed past one another too many times for it to be purely accidental. Every time I felt him, tingles would shoot up my arm and my heart would race, and I knew he was feeling the same. The freezing dungeon air was relentless and unforgiving, and I was desperate for the warmth I knew only he could give me.
I figured handholding was too much, too soon, so I decided to start small. With an incredibly shaky hand, keeping my eyes forwards, I slowly reached out my pinkie and entwined it with his. I felt his whole body stiffen up, and he stopped walking. He slowly looked down at our interlocked pinkies and back up at my eyes. "I don't think this is appropriate, Hazel." His words were a stark contrast to the flutter in his stomach and the fact that he didn't let go.
"We're alone, Severus." My voice sounded weak, as though I was out of breath. He panicked for a moment before slightly tightening his grip. "I know this is a lot for you. But I also know that you crave my touch as much as I do yours." I wanted him to know I understood his reservations. "It is becoming difficult to not seek you out in public." He admitted. Ever so slowly, he slipped his hand into mine, lacing our fingers together. I felt my cheeks flush.
"I can feel you even when you are not near me. It is hard not to let it consume my day." I confessed. "It is hard enough feeling your emotions on top of my own. However, you also feel those of everyone around you." I could have burst into tears hearing him finally tell me that he feels the same.
Our rounds through the dungeons were never cold again.