[ My Word ]

After admitting that we could feel each other no matter where we were in the castle, we stopped trying to ignore it. Although we still couldn't be seen staring at each other, we began talking more often through our minds in public. It began small – a quick "hello" in passing or a subtle "stop picking on them, they're only first years" when I caught him, as usual, punishing the terrified children. As the days passed by, however, we found ourselves seeking conversation even when we weren't in the same room.

"I hope Slughorn hasn't rearranged my storeroom. I spent ten years organising it the correct way." He slipped into my mind while I was in Potions. He must be in his office down the hall. "I wouldn't know how you had it organised, Severus. You never allowed students in there." I quipped. It is so exhilarating to feel so close to him when I know he is nowhere near me. "Fair enough. I should come in there and look for myself. Maybe I can also see how poorly he is shaping up compared to me." Though I knew he was joking, the thought of seeing him made my stomach flutter.

"Come on over, Severus. I'm sure he is too scared of you to protest. He is teaching us just fine, though I must admit, he is a fair bit nicer." I felt unashamedly smug about being able to have this sort of relationship with him, even if nobody knew. No one in their right mind would even dream of speaking to him as freely as I am able to. "You don't seem to mind my lack of niceness, Hazel." I really don't mind anything he does.

"What's more concerning, Severus, is that you don't seem to mind interrupting my lessons. You should be ashamed." He can interrupt me any time he likes. "I know you don't mind it, though. What are you brewing today?" My core throbbed at his retort. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. "Amortentia. Please be quiet for a moment; it is my turn to smell." I was next in line.

Severus taught us how to brew the love potion last year, but Slughorn insisted on a refresher due to the fact that it will be in our N.E.W.T.'s. Last year I smelt cherry blossom, vanilla, and rain. Unlike the other people in my class, I didn't smell someone I was attracted to. At the time, I was not infatuated with anyone. I simply smelt the things I loved. As I leant over the cauldron and inhaled, my heart sank. The smell has completely changed.

I lied to Slughorn, telling him that I smelt the same as last year. I sat back down at my desk, panting. I knew my feelings were strong, but I had no idea they were strong enough to be picked up by the most powerful love potion. "Well?" The return of his voice made me whimper. I paused for a moment, not sure if I should confess the betrayal of my nose. "What did you smell?" Maybe I can lie.

"That's incredibly personal, Severus." I hoped he would drop it. "You didn't mind telling everyone that you loved the smell of cherry blossoms, vanilla, and rain last year." How did he remember that? "You have a good memory. I smelt the same this time, too." I scrunched my eyes closed and crossed my fingers. Childish, I know, but I needed all the luck I could get. "Very well, you don't have to tell me." I should have known he wouldn't believe me. "See you tonight for rounds, Hazel." At least he has moved on. "You will, Severus."

I skipped dinner tonight. I needed to recollect myself after realising that I love something more than cherry blossoms, vanilla, and rain. Love is an incredibly strong word, though. Surely no seventeen-year-old really loves anything or anyone. I sat in front of my fire, trying to convince myself that I was simply maturing and that I just don't love the smell of rain as much as I used to.

I can't feel Severus, which means he is not in his office or chambers. He must be at dinner. I don't know how I am going to calm my nerves before seeing him. I am so exhausted, but I don't have time for a nap. I went to my bathroom and started to fill my bath tub. Much like the one in the prefect's bathroom, mine is quite large and has taps for oils and bubbles. More specifically, vanilla scented bath oil.

I stripped down and climbed in, feeling instantly relieved of the stress of the day. My bath was big enough to fit four people and deep enough that my feet don't touch the bottom. I floated peacefully in the centre, relishing in the vanilla oil seeping through my skin. I washed my hair with, once again, vanilla-scented shampoo and conditioner. I needed to drown myself in the smell. If I could inject it into my veins, I would. Anything for it to be my most loved scent again.

When I could feel my fingers becoming wrinkly, I emptied the bath and used a quick-dry spell on my body and hair. For rounds, if I am not still in my robes, I usually throw on a pair of jeans and any sweater I can find. Tonight, however, I am overcome with an anxiety that I have never had before. Suddenly, I feel like I would be too underdressed in just jeans and a sweater.

I stared at my open wardrobe and raked my fingers through my hair in frustration. This is ridiculous; it is just rounds. I felt a shiver spread through my body, and I turned to look at the fire. Severus is back in his office; I can feel him. I'm being stupid. I pulled out a pair of blue jeans and a black knit turtleneck. It was at least a step up from a sweater.

I had just slipped my shoes on and was heading for my door when I felt him slither into my mind. "You're late." He has never spoken to me while I was in my room before. It was an unspoken boundary we hadn't crossed. I quickly cast tempus and rolled my eyes. "It's 8:01. I'm on my way." I huffed. "Floo." My stomach fluttered. He has never allowed me to floo to his office before. I have used his office to floo to my room once, and that was weeks ago. I fanned my flushed cheeks briefly before stepping into my fireplace and muttering "Severus' office".

I stepped out into his office, dusting the soot off my jeans. "You know I don't appreciate tardiness, Hazel." I jumped and clutched at my heart. I didn't see him standing right next to me, leaning against the edge of the fireplace. "So your punishment is to scare the crap out of me?" I rolled my eyes. "You also know I don't appreciate foul language." He raised his wand, pointed it at my face, and cast scourgify. "And I also don't appreciate dirtiness. Maybe I shouldn't have allowed you to floo here."

I couldn't tell if my cheeks were hot because he cleaned me up or if I was irritated with his attitude. "Merlin, Severus. Is there anything you do appreciate?" His name tasted like the sweetest nectar. I don't often say his name out loud, seeing as we spend most of our time conversing via our minds. I felt my heart flutter, and I know his did too. I guess he appreciates hearing me say his name.

"Plus, I am not dirty. I have just bathed." I regretted my choice of words the second they left my tongue. An image of me, naked and covered in bubbles, flashed across my eyes. The vision didn't come from me; it came from him. My core throbbed, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to suppress a moan. "Another secret that is safe with me." I cleared my throat. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but I know he felt the same heat in his groin.

He couldn't apologise out loud, but I know he felt ashamed. "It's fine, Severus. It was my fault." I smiled and started walking towards the door. As I stepped out into the hall, I realised he had not moved from next to the fireplace; he was trying to compose himself. I waited patiently for him to join me, giving myself time to recollect myself as well.

We walked in silence as we began our patrol, and he attempted to keep some distance. Not as far as the opposite side of the hall, but far enough that I couldn't reach out and hold his hand. I was disappointed, but I understood. "It is never your fault." He sounded defeated, and I didn't know how to respond. He knew as much as I did that this was not one-sided. But I needed to reassure him. "My amortentia didn't smell the same as last year." My heart was hammering in my chest, and my hands started to shake. I shivered; the dungeons are so cold without him standing close.

He slowed his pace slightly, stepped closer to me, and hesitantly extended his pinkie. The gesture made my heart melt, and tears pricked at my eyes. I blushed and locked my pinkie with his. My whole body instantly warmed up, and I sighed in contentment. "I know." He wasn't being arrogant; he just wanted me to feel comfortable. My breathing became shallow and irregular, and a lone tear trickled down my cheek. I looked away, quickly wiped it with my sleeve, and cleared my throat.

"You don't have to tell me." His kindness was my undoing. "Firewhiskey, old books, and sandalwood." My voice trembled slightly. He shifted his hand, slipped it into mine, and entwined our fingers. "I'm surprised, seeing as you smell very strongly of vanilla tonight." He smirked and squeezed my hand lightly. "I tried to escape it." I laughed softly, embarrassed that he noticed. "I can tell." Now he was being arrogant.

I'm done with this game. I wanted him to know that this wasn't some schoolgirl crush. I was as confused as he was with everything that was happening. It was ten o'clock, and I knew we weren't going to run into any students. "I think it's safe to assume the halls are empty now." I announced. We had been walking in silence for the last fifteen minutes. "Desperate to get away from me?" He teased. He knows I don't want to get away. "Funny. I was hoping we could go back to your office."

He stopped abruptly and dropped my hand. "Just to talk, Severus." I reassured him, shivering at the sudden loss of contact. "This bond is clearly progressing, and we haven't talked about it at all." He was hesitant. He looked up and down the hall, ensuring the halls were in fact empty, and nodded. I sighed in relief and smiled, trailing after him. Unfortunately, he sped up to his characteristically fast pace, and I had to jog to keep up.

As I sat down opposite him at his desk, he locked his door and cast muffliato, ensuring we wouldn't be disturbed or overheard. "What do you want to talk about?" He sounded impatient, but he felt nervous. I took a few deep breaths to calm my own nerves. "Maybe "talk" wasn't the right word. I want to show you something." I know that sounded worse than I had intended, but I was so anxious. "That night in the closet, you asked me to trust you." All he could do was nod. "Tonight, I need you to trust me."

Keeping eye contact, I stood up slowly and walked around his desk. He was panicking, his eyes darting between mine, trying to find any hint of threat. He shifted his chair back slightly, leaving a space between him and the desk and allowing me room to sit on it. We were so close that if I didn't keep my legs tucked under the desk, I would kick his shins.

"What are you doing?" His breathing became ragged. I'm glad I make him as nervous as he makes me. "We need to trust each other, Severus." His eyes left mine for a moment to glance at my legs hanging from his desk, then returned. "Hazel, I can assure you that nothing is –" I held my hand up, cutting him off. I knew he thought I was trying to make a move on him. "Please, just trust me." I begged. I held my hands out for him, waiting for him to realise I was not trying to attempt anything untoward.

He looked between my eyes and my outstretched hands for so long that my arms were starting to ache, but I remained patient. He needed to come to me on his own terms. After what felt like hours, he finally, and painfully slowly, reached out his hands. He tightened his grip as he felt the all-too-familiar heat flow through our skin. He looked up from our entwined hands and locked his eyes on mine. I took my chance and finally opened my mind to him. He hesitated for barely a moment before entering graciously.

We were standing in a meadow of lush green grass, cherry blossoms in full bloom, and bluebirds singing. A large, arched gate wrapped in golden branches stood before us. He gazed around, brushing his fingers across the glowing gate. The stark contrast between the light pinks, greens, and blues and his rigid, dark black figure almost made me laugh.

He turned to me, and I held out my key, dainty and gold to match my carefully constructed barrier. "I trust you, Severus." I admitted softly. With a bow, he accepted my key. "I will guard your gates as if they were my own." I blushed. With the magic that surged through us and him bowing to me in my mind, my body was in overdrive. As he carefully slid the key into the lock and twisted it, chills cascaded across every inch of my body. Hearing the click, he stepped back, placing the key in the inside pocket of his robe, directly in front of his heart. "You have my word, Hazel."

We sat across from each other once again, hands still entwined. I felt invigorated and strangely free. As if he was the one I had been waiting to give my key to all along. I kept my eyes on him, patiently waiting. He breathed in deeply, trying to work up the strength to offer himself to me as I had done. Just when I thought he was going to pull away, I felt myself being dragged into a deep, dark void.

In front of me stood heavy, black wrought iron and unusually clean gates. I couldn't make out my surroundings; they were clouded by a thick haze. I shivered; it was so cold here. He stood rigidly in front of the daunting gates, hands clasped tightly together behind his back. I walked slowly up to stand beside him, close enough that our arms brushed against each other. "Quite fitting." I jested, taking a step closer to the gate and running my fingers along it gently as he did mine. When I turned to face him, he looked like he was ready to run. His face went pale, and I could see him begin to tremble. Again, I waited; this is what Dumbledore meant about being patient with him.

For a long moment, we stood as we were – not talking, not moving, barely breathing. Finally, with a quivering hand, he held out a large, thick black key. Taking a step closer to him, the tips of our shoes inches apart, I gently plucked it from his fingers. I wrapped both my hands around his to stop the trembling, squeezing softly. Holding his hand for support, I raised up onto my tiptoes and leaned into his ear. "You have my word, Severus."

I unlatched the lock, and the gates creaked and squealed in protest as I pushed them open. I gasped as a strong gust of icy wind washed over me. Freezing as I might be, I felt victorious; his trust warmed my whole body. I wasn't wearing my robes, so I tucked his key into the pocket of my jeans, rested my hand on my heart, and bowed slightly, just as he had done.

His warm office returned, and still we held on to each other, breathing heavily. "Thank you." I smiled. He stood, gripping my hands tighter to help me off the desk. As my feet hit the floor, our bodies pressed against each other in the confined space. He sucked a sharp breath in, and I giggled. I reached up and patted his chest lightly. "It's fine, Severus; it's not like we haven't been this close before." I smirked. With a soft grunt, he shifted away slightly, allowing me to pass him.

I took a step back to the end of his desk, giving us both the space we needed to collect ourselves. "I know that wasn't easy for you, and I am honoured you trusted me enough to let me in." I smiled warmly at him. "Please don't make me regret it." His voice was stern, but his lips were pressed into a thin line, clearly suppressing a smirk. "Likewise." I quipped.

I yawned and rubbed my eyes. It's been an incredibly long day. "It's almost midnight; you need to get to bed." He placed his hand on my upper back and steered me towards the fireplace. "Good night, Severus." I smiled. "Good night, Hazel."