As exhausted as I was, I couldn't sleep. I moved an armchair in front of my window and ruminated over the last few weeks. I have been so consumed by my bond with Severus that I haven't stopped to think. So much has changed. So much has happened. I have learnt so much and so little.
Every day I have to walk the halls of this castle, knowing Dumbledore is going to die. Every day I wake up wondering if today is the day they will find him dead in his office. What is Harry Potter going to do when he dies? They fought Voldemort together last year; surely Dumbledore cannot leave the fate of our future in the hands of a sixteen-year-old?
How is this bond going to progress between Severus and me? As happy as I am that he finally trusts me, I can't help but feel uneasy, like there is something he is still hiding. At the beginning of the year, Dumbledore said he could not risk my safety. What does that mean? Will our bond put me in harm's way? Maybe I shouldn't have given him my key. More importantly, maybe he shouldn't have given me his. Did we move too fast?
What will come of our bond? Severus says that our destiny will reveal itself in time. But when? If merely touching each other sends flames through our entire nervous system, how much further must we go? Are we simply bonded through mind, body, and soul? Or must I help him with a project and through a trying ordeal, too? Like Dumbledore, Severus feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. And now that he is in my mind, it feels as though it rests on mine, too.
I was so deep in thought that I didn't notice I was crying until I heard a sob escape my throat. I have desperately been seeking answers these past few weeks, and all I have been left with is more questions. I am so overwhelmed. Tucking my knees under my chin, I let myself break. My whole body was shaking, and I could barely catch a breath; I felt like I was going to be sick.
My body was convulsing so hard that I was overheating. I could feel the sweat seeping through my clothes. With shaky legs and ragged breaths, I stood and stripped down so that I was left in my underwear. My knees hit the freezing mahogany floor, the physical pain a welcome distraction. I have been in this position many times before. I am having a panic attack.
I have vials of sleeping and calming draught in the drawer of my bedside table, but I know I won't be able to stand. Just as I picked my wand up from beside me to accio the two draughts, I felt someone kneel in front of me and a broad hand rest on my shoulder. I know that hand.
I couldn't look up at him. Not only could I not bear to have him see me in this state, I also knew I wouldn't be able to speak; I am still shaking. "Please leave." I begged. "What's wrong?" He ignored my plea. He was as overwhelmed as me, and I knew he wasn't going to leave. "Calming draught in my bedside table." I instructed. I heard him mutter accio, and the whoosh of the vial flying to his hand. I don't have anything to hide in the drawer, but I appreciate his respect of my privacy.
He pushed on my shoulder, gently coaxing me into an upright position. I slowly opened my puffy eyes; my eyelashes were soaked with unshed tears. I saw his onyx eyes travel quickly from my face, down my body, and back again to meet my eyes. I sucked in a breath, wrapping my trembling arms around my body. I had forgotten I was half naked. I wish I hadn't chosen to wear a matching lacy set today, but I wasn't exactly expecting company. Especially not at this hour. What time is it?
"It's ten past three. Drink." He reached out one hand and placed it on the back of my head, the other bringing the vial of calming draught to my lips. Keeping my eyes pinned on his, I parted my lips and let him pour the draught down my throat. He didn't let his eyes wander, not moving a muscle as we knelt in front of each other, waiting for my breathing to even out.
"Thank you, Severus." I shivered, letting out one last heavy sigh. I could speak again, and now that I was stable, the coldness of the floor was almost painful. I attempted to stand up, using the armchair next to me as support, but I couldn't move. My legs were numb from sitting on them for so long, and my knees ached. I was definitely going to be bruised tomorrow. I let out a shaky sigh and admitted defeat.
"Sit up." He instructed. With a groan, I complied; I was too exhausted to protest. Leaning down, he placed one hand on my back and the other under my knees. The second his hands touched my bare skin, I felt sparks flood through my body, and we shivered in unison. It is always an indescribable feeling, as though our magic was mixing together like a perfectly brewed potion. He stood up with an effortlessness that made me resent my numb legs even more. I leant my head against his chest and sighed. His scent felt like home: old books, firewhiskey, and sandalwood.
He sat me down on my bed, which I noticed was already warm, and pulled the covers over my legs. He must have nonverbally heated my sheets before putting me down. "Are you alright?" He stood over me, still concerned. I smiled softly, leaning back on the headboard, and motioned for him to sit on the edge of my bed beside my feet.
He turned away from me briefly, and I thought he was going to leave. Before I could object to his departure, I heard him mutter accio, and one of my nightshirts flew towards him. I had once again forgotten that I was half naked. I couldn't tell what was more exposing, being in my bra and panties in front of him, or having him in my mind.
He turned back to face me, and I felt temptation overpower him as he let his eyes travel down my body once more. My nipples hardened instantly as I quivered under his gaze. I felt a familiar heat rise in my stomach, and I know he did too. He gulped, and I caught a mumbled "Merlin". I let it slide, not wanting to make him embarrassed or apologetic. I couldn't blame him; if our roles were reversed, I would certainly look too. He handed the shirt to me and turned around once more, this time giving me privacy to change. I quickly rid myself of my bra, sighing at the relief of the pressure, and pulled the oversized t-shirt over my head.
"Thank you." He waited until I gave the all-clear before turning around, even though he already knew I was dressed again. "When I said, "come by any time", I thought it would be under more pleasant circumstances." I jested, motioning once more for him to sit on my bed. He was hesitant. As if sitting on my bed was crossing a line and lifting me half naked into it wasn't. He conjured one of my armchairs instead and sat in front of me, leaning forwards and resting his arms across his knees.
"Why did you come?" Now that my mind was clear and my body was warm, I could finally process the fact that he was in my room again. "I could feel you." He feels defeated, as though he had mirrored my panic attack. "What happened?" He was still concerned. I suddenly became embarrassed by my state, both current and prior. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about, Hazel. Your panic became mine the second you gave me your key." He is so reassuring. I laughed softly imagining how another student would react to seeing him like this. They wouldn't get to, though. This Severus is for me, and me alone.
"For you alone? I'm not sure how Mr. Bagshaw would feel about that." He quipped. My jaw dropped. "Augustus is vile. I would rather bed Taslyn than that slimy cockroach." I huffed. "I know." He smirked. I rolled my eyes at his smugness. "I will wait here all night if I have to." He was trying to push me to explain what happened, but thinking about him staying in my room all night made my stomach flutter. "Or I can leave, if you'd prefer?" He was mocking me; I knew he wasn't going to leave.
"Fine. It was a panic attack." I succumbed to his pestering. "We have already established that." He pressed. I sighed and hung my head back on the headboard, staring at the ceiling. As much as I love looking out at the Black Lake, I wish I could see the stars. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him flick his wand, casting the same spell I assume is used on the ceiling of the Great Hall. The whole night sky erupted above me, lighting up my dark room, and I couldn't help but grin. "Now that you have all you wanted, what caused the panic attack?" He asked again.
I sighed, my grin fading instantly. "So much has happened this year, and it's only week four." He sat patiently, waiting for me to continue. "You are the first person in my life to whom I have revealed I am a Legilimens outside of my family, Dumbledore excluded." I kept my gaze on the stars. "Then I find out that we are bonded souls, whatever that means. To make matters worse, youand I are the only two people who know that Dumbledore is dying." I swiped away a lone tear that trickled down my cheek. "And, to top it all off, I am Head Girl. I can't be passing out at breakfast or having meltdowns and making rash decisions. I am the leader of the school; I have to remain poised and level-headed." I shut my eyes and took a breath. It felt good to finally be able to talk about this.
"I am honoured to be the first person you told, though I am curious to know why you haven't told your friends." He hasn't taken his eyes off me since he sat down. I shifted under my covers and turned around to face him, crossing my legs and leaning forward, mirroring his position. "It's already so loud. It's worse when they know I can hear them." He nodded. "You shouldn't be concerned about our bond until we know more. I don't believe we can change what is happening, and there is no use worrying about the unknown." His baritone voice, normally filled with irritation, is so soothing.
"You can only do as much as your body and mind allow." He continued. "No one expects you to do it all and not get burnt out. I can assure you that Mr. Bagshaw does not feel the same burdens." He felt an incredible disdain for Augustus, and it made me feel less alone. Everyone seems to love him, and it infuriates me. "I doubt he feels any burdens at all. Everyone seems smitten by him." I rolled my eyes. "Not you, though." He wasn't asking. "Definitely not. You should see what images he creates in his mind. Like I said, he's vile." I thought I caught a glimpse of jealousy sweep across his mind, but he quickly covered it up by clearing his throat. I simply put it down to protectiveness.
"I haven't seen you make any "rash decisions" yet." He pondered. A flash of Draco between my legs darted in front of my eyes, and I gasped, knowing he saw too. My cheeks burned crimson, and I covered my face with my hands; I am so embarrassed. "I see." There was that wave of jealousy again; this time, it was so strong that I couldn't have missed it. "I didn't think Draco was your type, but to each their own." He's definitely jealous, but I also get the sense he feels responsible for Draco's wellbeing. "He needs a friend like you." I have heard that line before. "Dumbledore said the same thing. What does that mean? Is he alright?" I suddenly felt extremely guilty for taking advantage of Draco. He waved his hand, ignoring my questions and guilt. "He is fine." I rolled my eyes and huffed; he didn't believe that.
He sighed, deciding it was best to move on from my sexual encounter with his godson. "Once you told me that you were a Legilimens, I knew it was only a matter of time before you found out the truth about Albus." I felt tears well up in my eyes again. "I understand you know him well." I nodded, my chin trembling slightly. An overwhelming wave of guilt crashed over him. My heart started to race, overpowering the calming draught still working through my system. "What do you know? Albus told me that you would explain everything when the time was right. He told me that I would doubt you." My voice started to shake, and I could feel my panic rising again. "Please, Severus. I need to know." I begged as tears began to stream down my cheeks.
He slowly stood and stepped forwards, taking a seat next to me. He hesitantly placed his hand on my knee, calming me slightly. "The time is not right, Hazel." I felt something shift in his mind, like he was blocking me out of a part of him that he couldn't share. I frowned, staring deep into his eyes, trying to grasp onto anything that would make sense.
I stood in front of his familiar black gates and shivered, I was still only wearing t-shirt and knickers. Stepping through, I began searching for what he might be hiding. To my right, I saw a cloud of fog dissipate, revealing a three-metre-high stack of locked drawers. I fiddled with his key, trying to unlock them, but they wouldn't budge. I sighed as I felt him gently push me out, returning from the black of his mind to the black of his eyes.
We were sitting so close that his knee was pressed against mine, his hand still resting on it. I wondered what would happen if I leant just a little bit closer and kissed him. Would he open up his mind enough for me to hear what he wouldn't say out loud? Would he unlock those dark and dusty drawers for me? Though my rationale was purely tactical, the thought of kissing him made my core throb.
He cleared his throat, took his hand off my knee, and stood up. He felt it too. Damn this bond. "I will pretend I didn't hear that, Hazel." He adjusted his robes, conveniently covering him below the waist. I huffed a breathy, sarcastic laugh and shook my head. "Pretend all you like, Severus." I turned back around to rest on the headboard and crossed my arms. "All you do is talk in riddles! It's exhausting." I've never raised my voice to a teacher, but tonight he wasn't my teacher; he was so much more.
He sighed heavily. "I am sorry, Hazel. I know how much you and your family mean to Albus." He waved his wand, and the armchair returned to its rightful position in front of the fire. "And I know how much he means to you." He began walking towards the fireplace. "I guess he was right." He paused and turned back to me, waiting for me to continue. "I do doubt you." After everything that we accomplished together tonight, I thought he trusted me more than this.
I could feel his defeat and guilt from here. If he felt so bad, why not just tell me the truth? He sighed, reached for the floo powder, and stepped into the fireplace. "It is almost 5am. I will advise Albus that you will not be attending classes today. Take the sleeping draught and rest." He ordered before being swallowed up by the green flames. I sighed, letting my head fall back against the headboard, and looked up at the ceiling. I didn't notice he had left the night sky twinkling above me. Tears threatened my eyes once again. Even after insulting him and saying I didn't trust him, he still cared.
I begrudgingly took a sip of the sleeping draught. I told myself it was because I needed it and definitely not because he told me to. I am more confused now than ever. We gave each other our word to be open and trusting, and now, barely five hours later, he has practically ripped his key from my hands. I don't want to be patient with him anymore. He has to either give me answers or give me my key back.