I woke up at one o'clock in the afternoon, and I still feel terrible. Severus was the first person I allowed into my mind, and I knew I was his first too. But he betrayed me and made me feel like a child who isn't mature enough to know the truth, and I feel heartbroken.
Still lying in bed, I made a mental list of my tasks for today: find Dumbledore and ask him to change the password to my room; build up drawers in my mind like Severus did so I can lock everything I need away from him; and demand my key back from him.
I need to build the drawers up in case kicking him out of my mind isn't enough. I don't know how strong this bond is, and I don't want to risk finding out when it's too late. I will admit that I am doing this out of spite. I don't have much to hide, but I would feel better knowing my sexual escapades aren't broadcast live for him. Plus, I would prefer to keep the monthly Slytherin common room parties hidden from him too. The first party of the school year is this Friday; I would not be very popular if everyone knew the reason he gate-crashed was because I couldn't keep my mind shut.
I shot up out of bed with a grin; I suddenly felt very much awake. I know exactly how to make Severus pay for making me feel like a child: if he wants to treat me like one, I am going to act like one.
Before I can put my plan into motion, I need to speak to Dumbledore. Severus entered my room last night because he knew my password. I can't have that happen again if this plan is going to work. He needs to feel as helpless and confused as I do.
Feeling far too stimulated at the thought of making Severus suffer, I jumped out of bed and took a shower. I sighed when the hot water bit at my freezing, sensitive skin. I was sticky from a night spent sweating and crying. I stood in the steaming shower replaying everything Severus said to me last night. He thinks I am not ready to hear what he knows. Something inside me believes that Dumbledore's eventual demise, and Severus' concern for Draco are linked. Though I am incredibly nervous, I am more than ready to know.
I dried myself off quickly and threw on some jeans and a sweater. I didn't care much about how I looked right now. I had plenty of time to worry about that later, when it mattered more. It was 2:15, meaning everyone would be in their final class for the day, and the halls would be deserted. It was quite a long journey from the dungeons to Dumbledores office, so I needed to move quickly.
I practically sprinted past Severus' office. I could feel him in there, and I knew he would be able to feel me. I made a mental note of the fact that he does not have a class on Monday afternoons. I hurried up to the seventh floor, panting as I reached the gargoyle. I didn't really need to run the whole way here, but I have far too much energy to have slowed down. I muttered "Sherbet Lemon" and stepped onto the spiralling gargoyle.
As I arrived at the top of the stairs, his door swung open. "Hazel, please come in." Dumbledore motioned for me to sit opposite his desk. "I have been quite concerned about you. Severus told me you were unwell last night." He began pouring me a cup of tea. "I am alright now, sir. It has been quite an overwhelming few weeks, as I am sure you can imagine." I sat up straight, needing to maintain my composure. "I understand. Everyone needs their time to process." He smiled. "Peppermint." He confirmed, passing me the teacup.
"What brings you here?" He is genuinely curious. I praised Merlin that Severus had finally kept one of our interactions private. However, it was more likely that he wanted to keep the fact that he saw me half naked hidden from the headmaster. "I would like to change the password to my dormitory, sir." I took a sip of my tea, trying to sound as casual as possible. "That can be arranged. May I ask why so soon?" He leant over his desk, clasping his hands together. "One too many people know what my password is, and I would like to keep my chambers as private as possible." That one being Severus, the bane of my existence, Snape.
"May I also ask why you didn't ask Severus? It was he who set it for you first." Damn. I knew he was going to ask that; why didn't I come up with an answer beforehand? "Has something happened?" He must have seen the panic on my face. "No, sir. With our bond progressing, I feel it is wise to keep some things private from him, too." I hoped I sounded convincing. It wasn't a complete lie, after all.
He understood. "For such a young witch, you are very mature. I have always admired that about you, Hazel." He smiled, standing up. "Thank you, sir." I smiled back, not at his compliment but rather at how immature I am going to be by the end of this week. "We will change it now. I have to be back shortly to prepare for our staff meeting this afternoon." He walked around his desk and motioned for me to follow him.
We walked leisurely through the halls, both enjoying the emptiness. "Thank you, sir. I really appreciate your help." I am so glad I have Dumbledore here to support me. It is quite taxing to be so far away from my family. I teared up remembering that he won't be here much longer. "Please do not cry for me, Hazel. I have lived long enough, and I have accepted my fate." He patted my shoulder gently. "You might have accepted your fate, sir. But I have not." I admitted, wiping away a few stray tears.
I held my breath as we walked past Severus' office and quickly thought of what I was going to eat for dinner. Hoping that hearing me think about food would distract him from the fact that Dumbledore is next to me. I finally let my breath out as we stepped into the Slytherin common room. "Interesting tactic, holding your breath." He mused. I slumped my shoulders. I had hoped he wouldn't notice. "I expect discretion, Albus." I don't often use his first name, but I thought it was fitting as I used his own words against him. He simply laughed, his eyes twinkling with that same knowing look that sent shivers down my spine. Sometimes, I swear he is a Legilimens too.
As we approached my door, I realised I had not yet thought of a new password. I internally cursed myself. "I will give you a moment to think." He hummed. I knew what I wanted to change it to, and I knew Severus would never be able to guess it, especially not if I filed it away nicely in my mentally locked drawers. But I also wouldn't know how to explain it to Tas and Draco. I knew Dumbledore would understand, though it would be quite an embarrassing admission. Fuck it. I can keep it a secret from Tas and Draco; I would just tell them Dumbledore advised that it would be best if no one knew. For safety reasons.
"Can you promise me your discretion, sir?" I asked nervously. "Of course." He bowed ever so slightly. "I would like to change my password to "Severus", please." I tried to sound as confident as possible, but my shaky voice betrayed me. He simply nodded and cast the spell nonverbally. I heard the locks unclick and click back into place. "Thank you, sir." He smiled and nodded. "This tactic is even more interesting." He winked, and strode out of the common room. My cheeks flushed.
I turned to face my door and took a deep breath in, proudly announcing my new password, "Severus". Butterflies erupted in my stomach. I had to remind myself that I set his name because I was mad at him and not because I liked saying it. I sat down in my armchair and stared at nothing in particular, going over the next step of my plan: building up my drawers.
I closed my eyes and focused on my meadow, letting the bright, warm sun roll over my skin. I smiled to myself. I really have created a beautiful space to keep my mind safe. I strolled past the large pond, filled with vibrant coy fish, through the rows of cherry blossoms, and stopped at a clearing. This is the perfect spot, concealed behind a sea of pink and far back enough that he won't be able to see it unless he goes searching.
I sat down on a bed of lush green grass, the dew slightly dampening my jeans. Taking a deep breath, I imagined how I wanted my drawers to be. Large enough that he thinks I have a lot to hide, but dainty and intricate, just like my gates. I opened my eyes again, and in front of me, the drawers began building themselves. Tall, white, and wrapped in golden branches and leaves. As the final pieces assembled, ivy vines grew up the sides and wove through the shining exterior. I grinned; it's flawless.
I constructed a key, much the same as the one to my gates. However, I made sure it was small and quaint. I laughed thinking about his large hands trying to hold it, fumbling around as he attempted to fit it in the lock. I took a step back to soak it all in. I have really outdone myself this time.
Just as my room faded back into view, I saw the fireplace erupt, and quickly return to normal. Severus had attempted to enter, and the floo rejected him. I felt triumphant. Not even ten minutes after changing my password, he has tried to enter my room. To say I was proud of myself would be an understatement.
A wave of frustration washed over me, quickly followed by annoyance. I caught a hint of sadness next, and my triumph swiftly turned into regret. I shook off the shivers that spread down my spine. I can't back down now.
I stood up and began walking to my door. It's time to find Draco; he is essential to the final step of my plan. As I reached for the handle, I heard the fireplace crackle again. With a huff of irritation, I turned back around, frowning at the flames. This time, however, instead of erupting as they did when he attempted to enter, they fizzled lightly. I jumped when I saw a letter fly out and land in my hand. My jaw dropped, and my heart started to race. I turned the letter over, and printed perfectly on the cover were my initials: HG. With incredibly shaky hands, I peeled the letter open.
Smart girl.
Changing your password is a wise decision. You must keep your walls strong, both physically and mentally. Though I am disappointed that you have lost your trust in me, I am proud.
My intention last night was to ease your panic, and mine, for that matter, but it seems I have simply made it worse. I was coming to apologise; next time, I will knock.
I have pardoned you from rounds tonight. You need to rest.
With my word,
S.S.
I must have read and re-read his letter a hundred times. My first response was a need to run to him and apologise for being a brat. My second was to write him a letter advising where he could shove his "word". My third and final feeling, however, was an overwhelming sense of security. Dumbledore implied that my safety would be at risk if Severus revealed too much to me; however, he is keeping his word to guard and protect me. I want him far away, but I need him near. A paralysing paradox.
I walked to my bedside table and tucked his letter under my vials of Sleeping and Calming Draught. The last class of the day will be done in 15 minutes, and Draco will be in Potions. With one final glance at the fireplace, I hurried out of my room and headed towards Slughorn's classroom. Thankfully, I didn't have to pass Severus' office on the way there. I sat on a stone bench down the hall and waited impatiently for class to end. Slughorn usually lets his final class out early, so I knew it wouldn't be long.
After a mere five minutes of foot tapping and cuticle picking, the door burst open, and students began piling out. The first of which being the Golden Trio. My heart sank when I saw Harry. I haven't seen him since term resumed, but looking at him now makes me feel nauseous. I smiled at the three of them, nodding as they walked past. The only one to not return my smile was Ron, which is not surprising.
As soon as I saw Draco, I grabbed him by the arm and led him the opposite way to the students, stopping around a corner. "I won't ask, "What's gotten into you?", because we both know how that turned out last time." He smirked. "Actually, I do need a favour of a similar calibre." I laughed as his smirk turned into a grin. "Right now?" He asked, placing his hand on my waist. "Not now." I laughed. "At the party this Friday." He dropped his hands and quirked an eyebrow.
"So now I am a pawn in your game?" His grin dropped to a smirk again. "Something like that." I winked at him. "Well then, game on." He chuckled, leaning in and placing a quick kiss on my forehead. I smiled up at him, grateful that our relationship had not changed since our rendezvous.
Parts one and two of my plan are in motion and safely tucked away in my newly constructed drawers. Now all I have to do is get through four days of torture trying to avoid Severus. I shuddered at the thought. It's going to be a long week.