I woke up on the rug in front of the fire at five o'clock in the morning. I had sat watching the flames for hours, waiting. Waiting for him to come back, to call out to me, to send a letter, anything. I could feel him in his chambers as if his body was still pressed against me. I could still feel his hands roaming my body, only now it was painful. I should have known I was not good enough for him. He said it himself; he is my teacher.
My whole body ached. I couldn't tell if it was from sleeping on the ground or that it longed for his embrace once more. Just about every joint cracked as I stood up. I need to wash his scent, touch, and wasted desire off of me. I need to forget the surge of magic that ignited my body when he touched me. When he kissed me. He made it quite clear that he couldn't let this happen again.
I stepped out of the shower, cast a quick-drying charm, and wrapped myself in my bathrobe. I couldn't watch the fire for a moment longer; my eyes were dry enough. I levitated an armchair in front of my window and sat down, letting my eyes be absorbed by the lake. I glanced briefly at the floor in front of me and shivered. The memory of Severus coming to me in the midst of our mirrored panic attack washed over me. Every corner of this room reminds me of him: my bed, the armchair I am sitting in, the window, the fire, the wall next to the door. It is suffocating.
As I swiped away a stray tear, the consequences of my actions came knocking at my door. Standing up and waving my hand, Draco walked with his concern, anger, and confusion in tow. "Was that your plan all along? To get Snape down here to catch us together?" His voice is so laced with betrayal that my chin started to tremble. "You set me up, Hazel. I need to know why." He squared his shoulders and kept his face as stoic as he could manage. "She's been sent by the Order to intercept my task. How could I be so stupid?" His comment made my heart sink. What's the Order? What task?
"It's not like that, Draco, I promise." My voice shook slightly. I knew he wasn't going to leave here without some answers. "I did set you up to get Snape down here." Half-truths, it is. "I have had a crush on him for years, and now that I am old enough, I wanted him to notice me." The words felt like acid rolling off my tongue. Like I was admitting to being a tramp.
"I waited for him to leave your room after he threw me out." Shit. "But he didn't. I half expected him to still be in here." He sneered. He is disgusted. "He didn't stay for longer than ten seconds after you left, I swear. He left via floo." I pointed to the fireplace. "I don't know what's less believable: that she wants to shag Snape or that she's working for the Order."
It took every ounce of strength I had left not to ask him about "the Order" or his "task". I will have to ask Severus. The thought of speaking to him made me feel nauseous, though. Maybe I'll ask Dumbledore. "So he didn't touch you?" He still wasn't convinced. The image of my legs wrapped around his waist flashed through my mind. It was so vivid that I could feel his hands on my ass. My core throbbed, and I clenched my jaw.
"Absolutely not." I stood taller, trying to ignore the flames that erupted in my stomach. "Did you really think the most hated professor in the school would lay a finger on a student if he weren't punishing them?" Great. Now the image of me bent over his desk while he "punished" me is dancing across my eyes. I need to compose myself.
I stepped closer to Draco and held out my pinkie. "I promise you, Draco. I tried to come onto him, and he rejected me. He did not touch me." I prayed to Merlin that this hadn't ruined our relationship. "The only thing I gained last night was an embarrassment that I will carry until the end of the year." He didn't meet my pinkie right away, but I could feel his anger slowly fade away. "If he did, or ever does, I will kill him myself." He meant his threat.
My arm started to shake. With a heavy sigh and a roll of his eyes, he finally intwined his pinkie with mine. "I don't want to be you when you see him next." He smirked. "I wouldn't want to be you, either." I laughed and pulled him in for a hug, resting my head on his chest. "We're both screwed." He kissed my forehead and stepped back. "Get dressed. We'll go get breakfast before everyone wakes up."
The thought of eating made my stomach churn, but the thought of being able to share a meal with Draco made the pain worth it. He would never sit next to me if other people were around. We sat down next to each other towards the front of the Great Hall. As it was only six o'clock, we felt safe knowing we wouldn't be disturbed. A small array of dishes appeared in front of us. As I was still nauseous, I opted for a bowl of fruit, while he piled his plate with bacon, eggs, sausages, and toast.
"So, what is it about the dungeon bat that gets you so hot and bothered?" He asked. I gasped and slapped him on the arm. "You cannot tell anyone, Draco." He simply held his pinkie up, smirking. I blushed, locking my pinkie with his for the second time in ten minutes. "I don't know. Nothing seems to faze him. He is a strong and powerful wizard, and that alone is much more alluring than any boy my age." Tears threatened my eyes, but I couldn't let Draco see me cry.
As I quickly blinked them away, we heard the doors of the Great Hall open. I could smell him from here, but his mind seems more closed off than usual. "Speak of the devil." Draco whispered, nudging me. My heart hammered in my chest, and tears welled in my eyes. I gulped, rapidly blinking them away again. I couldn't let Severus see me cry, either.
He strode towards us, his robes billowing behind him, as dramatic as always. Stopping directly in front of us, he leant forwards and locked eyes with Draco. "I expected better of you, Mr. Malfoy." He didn't mean that. He knew exactly what Draco was capable of, having seen him between my legs before.
His eyes darted to mine. "Your rounds are suspended this week, Miss Goldstein." He practically spat the words out at me, but he felt remorseful. If my heart wasn't broken before, it certainly is now. I can't hear his mind; he has blocked me out. I am right back where I began – trying to decipher his emotions. He whipped around and marched away, leaving both of us confused by the lack of reprimand.
"Not even a detention." Draco mumbled, as if he were worried Severus could still hear us, though he was long gone. I am defeated. My lungs burned, and a lump has formed in my throat. My skin is on fire; I have to get out of here. "I'm going to go for a walk." I kissed Draco quickly on the cheek. "I'll catch up with you later." I didn't give him a chance to respond as I hurried out of the hall.
I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, the cold morning air whipping me as I sprinted down to the Black Lake. I fell to my knees at the bank, the freezing water soaking through my jeans. I needed to feel anything other than the aching hole in my chest. He has shut me out after claiming my mind. After claiming me.
I traced my hand along my neck, feeling the sting of the bruises he had marked me with. I know I need to build my walls back up, change the lock, and throw away the key. If he can ignore his desire, so can I. But I have attempted this challenge before and failed miserably. I gave him my password again, and I will let him keep my key. He needs to know that while I might have lost him, he has not lost me. Not yet.
I heard someone clear their throat behind me, and I flinched slightly. I turned to see Dumbledore standing behind me, and I smiled. "How long were you standing there this time?" I climbed to my feet, and he waved his wand, drying my knees instantly. "I have just arrived." He smiled and conjured a bench for us to sit on.
"I heard about the party last night." He stared out at the lake. My heart dropped. Surely Severus did not also tell him about our heated moment of weakness. "I also know who those bruises are really from." My eyes widened, and my jaw dropped. "He had nothing to do with it, Albus. It was all me." I pleaded our case. "There is no defence necessary, Hazel." He feels happy, even relieved. I frowned slightly.
"I knew it was only a matter of time." His eyes were still fixed on the horizon. "Mind, body, and soul." I turned to face the lake, my hands shaking. "It seems every time we speak, we must ensure discretion." I prayed to any deity listening that he hasn't and won't tell anyone. "No one will hear it from me." He promised. I nodded and let out a long sigh.
"I have not come here to discuss what happens in your private chambers, however." He continued. I turned to face him again. "Severus has had to leave the castle." My heart dropped, and tears welled in my eyes. He fired him because of me. "But sir, you said –" He raised his hand, cutting me off. "He will return in a weeks' time. He has business to attend to." I let out a breath of relief, but he felt guilty again. Why does he always feel guilty?
"Do you know what "the Order" is, sir?" He sighed and turned to me. "May I ask where you heard about it?" He was slightly concerned, but it seemed he had anticipated this question sooner or later. "Draco." I confirmed. He nodded, and a few silent moments passed between us. "The Order was formed during the first Wizarding War. A rebellion against Voldemort." He explained.
"Draco thought I was sent by them to intercept his "task"." I frowned. An overwhelming wave of torment and regret crashed over him. "Why would Draco think they sent me?" Surely he isn't working for Voldemort. "Do you remember that I told you to keep Draco close?" I nodded slowly. His eyes were piercing into mine. "I implore you to keep that promise. I doubt he will confide in you, and I will not introduce what does not concern you." He was trying to keep me safe, and it infuriated me.
Just as I was about to argue, he stood up. "If you need anything in Severus' absence, you know where to find me." He smiled and disapparated, leaving me alone on the bench with, once again, more questions than I had answers. This is going to be a long week.
~ Sunday ~
I woke up at eleven o'clock to a knock at my door. Without sitting up, I waved my hand, and Tas entered. "I have been worried about you. I haven't seen you since before Snape barged in on us all." That's not the only thing he barged in on. She sat down on the end of my bed. "I'm alright, just tired." I reassured her. It wasn't a lie. After sleeping on the ground on Friday night, I needed to rest. She smiled, kissed me on the forehead, and left.
My body was still sore, as though I had done a full-body workout the day before. My fingers and toes tingled slightly as though I were freezing, though I was tucked warmly under my covers. I rubbed my feet together, shook out my hands, and fell back asleep.
~ Monday ~
I woke up with tears in my eyes. Thinking about not seeing Severus for a whole week made my whole body tremble. As he is away, all D.A.D.A. classes are suspended. He has left us an assignment of a three-foot-long essay on our next topic: understanding Legilimency, Occlumency, the Imperius curse, and Veritaserum and how they alter the mind. I laughed at the irony of learning how to defend ourselves from mind-altering magic, but I dreaded learning about it. I struggle enough with keeping my gift a secret.
My fingers and toes were still tingling, though now it has spread to cover my hands and feet. It hurts to walk, and writing with a quill feels like holding a steaming hot cup of tea with no handle.
~ Tuesday ~
The tips of my toes and fingers have started to go numb. The tingling has spread to my shins and forearms, and it is quickly becoming unbearable. I went to visit Madam Pomfrey in the hope that she would know what was wrong. She cast a number of diagnostic spells, ensuring all my vitals were stable, before coming up empty-handed.
"I'm not quite sure what is causing the numbness, dear." She told me. I felt like I was going crazy. If Madam Pomfrey can't explain what is happening, it must be all in my head. She simply cast lenio, a pain relief charm I had never heard of, and sent me on my way.
~ Wednesday ~
The pain-relieving charm had worn off by morning, and the numbness was back with a vengeance. I could no longer feel my hands or feet. With help from Tas and an immense amount of effort, I returned to the hospital wing.
Once again, Madam Pomfrey could not detect any abnormalities in my physical health. She was becoming quite concerned and urged me to stay in the hospital, to which I refused. If I was going to suffer, I would do so in the comfort of my own bed. "I will advise the headmaster that you are excused from classes today." She advised after casting lenio once again.
~ Thursday ~
I woke up in cold sweats and with a shooting pain in my chest. I am shivering and overheating, and the numbness has spread up to my knees and shoulders. I couldn't decide if I needed the covers on or off. This can't be all in my head; something is seriously wrong.
I knew I wouldn't be able to stand, so I called for Winky. With a pop, she appeared next to me. "What can Winky do for Miss Hazel?" Winky is the only house elf I know other than Dobby. She is sweet and often very teary eyed. I am positive I am the only Slytherin who speaks to her. I sent her to go find Tas and bring her to my room.
A second later, Winky returned with Tas by her side and quickly disapparated away, leaving us alone. "What's wrong? Are you dying?" She ran to my side, kneeling in front of me. "I don't know." I croaked out, coughing as I attempted to laugh. She frowned. "I'm going to get Pomfrey. Don't move."
Not even five minutes later, Tas, Madam Pomfrey, and Dumbledore returned to my room. They all surrounded me, Tas sitting at my numb feet, Pomfrey leaning over me, and Dumbledore standing idly behind her. "Your condition is getting worse by the day." She laid her cold hand on my forehead. It was a painfully welcome feeling. "Please give me your password, dear. I will need to come check on you every few hours." My eyes shot to Dumbledore in panic.
"I will check on her, Poppy. If her condition changes, I will send for you right away." He laid a hand on her shoulder. She wasn't happy, but she nodded, bowing ever so slightly. "I don't believe casting lenio again would be wise. This is a strong Sleeping Draught." She held up a vial. "You will sleep through the day and wake up tomorrow." I looked at her hesitantly. "I need time to look in to your symptoms, dear." She smiled, though she was extremely concerned.
Pomfrey lifted the vial to my lips and poured the Draught down my throat. I felt instantly tired and struggled to keep my eyes open. "See you in twenty-four hours, I guess." Tas' goodbye was the last thing I heard before falling into a dreamless sleep.
~ Friday ~
I woke up in sheer and utter panic. The numbness has spread over my legs and through my lower abdomen. Though three-quarters of my body was numb, I was in an excruciating amount of pain. I knew I was going to be sick, but I also knew I wouldn't be able to roll over. I was going to die alone, choking on my own vomit.
As I started to sob, I saw Dumbledore wave his wand, sitting me up, and levitate a bucket in front of me. I was too relieved to be embarrassed as I heaved into the bucket. I haven't eaten since Wednesday, so there wasn't much to expel. Though I would gladly choose to throw up food over the acidic bile that has just burnt my throat.
Dumbledore waved his wand again, shifting me gently to lean against the headboard and vanishing the bucket. Tears are streaming down my face, and I can't even wipe them away. I am so numb and in so much pain that I can't feel Dumbledore's emotions. I can barely breathe. I am completely helpless. He let out a long sigh. "I believe I know what is causing your condition, Hazel." He sat down at my feet. "What is it? Why haven't you told Madam Pomfrey yet?"
I saw him pat my foot, but I couldn't feel it. I was getting more irritated by the second. "As you and Severus are bonded, I believe you are experiencing a withdrawal of sorts." I shuddered; the humiliation of Albus' knowledge of how our bond was progressing sent a painful chill down my half-numb spine. "And I believe he is in a similar state. He is on his way back and should be here any moment." I let my head fall back against the headboard and closed my eyes. I couldn't contain the sobs that were escaping my throat.
Nausea bubbled up in my stomach, and as I was about to ask Dumbledore to pass me the bucket again, my fireplace erupted. An extremely pale Severus staggered out and fell to his knees, heaving. As soon as his feet hit the floor, a rush of air filled my lungs. It felt as though I had been held under water for hours and finally broke the surface. I heard him gasp for air too and slowly climb to his feet.
My nausea cleared instantly. The numbness slowly started fading from my shoulders, down my arms, and to the tips of my fingers. I wiggled my fingers a few times before bringing them up to wipe the tears and snot from my face. I didn't even notice my legs were no longer numb until I swung them over the edge of my bed. Severus had made his way to the end of my bed, gripping onto the post. I could see the colour returning to his face, as I am sure it was mine, as I pulled my frail body up to stand.
We stood staring at each other, both still panting. Tears were still streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks. "I will leave the two of you to talk." I had forgotten that Dumbledore was still in the room. As soon as the door closed, Severus pulled me into his arms, pressing my body tightly into his. I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. We were holding on to each other as if we thought we might slip away at any moment.
"I'm sorry, Hazel. If I knew being apart would hurt you, I would have never left." He lifted me bridal style, and he sat me back down on my bed. He sat down next to me and rested his hand on my leg. It felt so good to no longer be numb, but it felt even better knowing it was him I could feel.
"Right now, I don't care where you went or even that you left at all." My voice shook, and my chin was still trembling. "I only care that you're here now." He took my hand and kissed my knuckles, soothing me. My eyes started to feel heavy. Though I have been asleep for the last twenty-four hours, I am still exhausted. "Go to sleep." He squeezed my hand gently. "We can talk later." I laid my head down on the pillow, and he stood, pulled the covers over my shoulders, and turned to leave.
I reached out my hand and grabbed his, pulling him back. "Please don't go." I begged. "I'm not." He conjured an armchair and sat down, still holding my hand. "Can you please lay with me?" My voice was quiet; I was afraid he might reject me again.
He paused for a moment, looking down at me. He was as nervous as me, though not for the same reason. "Please." I whispered. I saw him fighting with the angel and demon on his shoulders. He glanced around the room quickly. "Move over." He stood up, took his robe off, and kicked off his shoes. Butterflies burst in my stomach. I scooted back and, perhaps a little too eagerly, pulled the covers open. He laughed softly and climbed in, lying down on his back.
We laid for a moment just staring at each other, not touching, neither of us sure what to do next. He slowly reached an arm out. "Come here." His voice was so soft that I felt tears well up in my eyes again. I gently moved over, pressing my body slightly against his, and rested my head against his chest. "Thank you." I let out a shaky breath. He wrapped one arm around my back, the other around my waist, and pulled me so I was lying half on top of him.
Though he has seen me almost completely naked, this is by far the most intimate we have been. I snuggled my face against his chest, savouring the feeling. We sighed in unison, all our worries fading away instantly, and sleep took me once more.