As the term trickled by, Severus and I formed a routine. After rounds, we would slip through the portrait of the woman and her baby, and he would make me come in the come-and-go room. For the first week, the room stayed the same as our first encounter there. After a while, though, it began to change depending on what mood we were in. Sometimes, there was a single desk and chair in the middle of the room. Other times, there were plush couches. And sometimes there were simply blankets on the floor in front of the fire.
If we couldn't make it to the Room of Requirements, we would duck into the first storage cupboard we could find. He would press me against the shelves as he knelt before me, while I would ride his face. If there was a ladder, he would hoist me up on it while it rattled beneath me in time with his thrusting fingers. One night he even cast a disillusionment and muffliato spell on us and pressed me against the wall out in the open hallway. It was all so exhilarating.
Sometimes we would simply talk. I would tell him about my family, about Granny Q and Uncle Newt's involvement in the battle of Grindelwald, about how my parents met and their time at Ilvermorny, and about how my brother, Finn, is following in Uncle Newt's footsteps. We would laugh about all the things I have heard from students and staff members' minds. He particularly enjoyed the fact that Professor Burbage fancies him while Professor Flitwick fancies her.
He would share very little about his time at Hogwarts and even less about his childhood before. After quite a bit of prodding, I learnt that Harry's father and his friends were quite awful to him. One time, Sirius Black almost got him killed. During their fifth year, Severus was suspicious about where Professor Lupin went every month. Sirius told him to sneak through the Whomping Willow, and he would have his answer. Had it not been for James Potter, Remus, in his werewolf state, would have killed him. Of all the bullying, that is why he loathes James so much. He is indebted to him.
Through everything we have shared with each other and all the times he has worshipped my body, I have never felt more confident. He makes me feel powerful. However, over the last six weeks since our first come-and-go room encounter, he has never let me touch him. Every time I get close, he pulls my hands away and distracts me with his tongue or fingers. I know he wants me; he has made that abundantly clear. But I can't help but feel like he doesn't want me to want him.
I am terrified of my feelings towards Severus. I know we are drawn together because of our bond, but it feels so much more than that now. The way he looks at me makes it clear that he has felt the shift, too. It seems to scare him more than it does me. He has loved and lost; he is older than me; and his world is riddled with darkness and danger. Whether he likes it or not, his world is mine now, too.
The Christmas break is four weeks away, and I know I will have to stay at the castle. I don't have a choice, as if I were to leave, Severus and I would go numb again. As disappointed as I am that I will not be able to see my family, I am excited. We will finally be able to spend time together without the fear of being caught by Harry and his map. Hopefully, this will give us the chance to learn more about each other. After all, this bond is through mind, body, and soul.
I haven't tried to talk to Severus about his lack of desire for me to please him. I know he is anxious about the fact that I am still a student, but that doesn't stop him from letting his hands and mouth roam every inch of my body. The most of his body that I have seen is his bare chest, but he always keeps his shirt on. I am desperate to make him feel as cherished as he makes me feel.
As I was chatting to Tas over the Saturday breakfast feast, the owls flooded the hall with today's post. I often get letters from my parents and grandmother, so I was not surprised when one dropped in front of me. It is from Granny Q.
My Dearest Hazel,
I'm sorry I have not written to you sooner.
Congratulations on making Head Girl! We always knew you were destined for great things.
I hope your seventh year is treating you well so far. I have a pestering feeling in the back of my mind that something is wrong. I haven't felt this way in your absence before, so please reply as soon as you are able to. I need to know that you're okay.
We miss you.
With all my love,
Q x
I love hearing from Granny Q, but this letter broke my heart. We have always had a close relationship – closer than any of my friends or even my parents. She has no idea just how wrong things are at the moment. I wish I could talk to her about everything that has happened between Severus and me. I wish I could tell her about Albus and Draco and about this mess with Harry. But I would be risking her safety for my own selfish comfort. I don't know when I will be able to see her again, and the thought of being away from her for so long made tears well up in my eyes.
"Are you alright?" Severus' concern only made it worse. My chin started to tremble. "I'm fine." I didn't want to talk right now; it is too painful. I cleared my throat and stood up. "I'm going to go for a walk. I will see you later." I kissed Tas on the cheek and hurried out of the hall. I felt like I couldn't breathe. The magnitude of my situation came crashing over me all at once. I ran through the halls and all the way up to the Astronomy Tower.
I sat down on one of the balconies and hung my feet over the ledge through the gaps of the railing. I come up here often, but the view never fails to amaze me. I looked out over the Dark Forest and let my tears fall. Granny Q is the only person in this world that I don't keep secrets from; she is my person. Now, I am forced to keep something life-altering and potentially life-threatening from her. I have never felt so far away from her as I do now, and not in the physical sense.
I felt a chill down my spine, alerting me that Severus was nearby. "I can feel you. Where are you?" I don't want to see him; he has seen me cry more than enough times over the last few weeks. When I didn't respond, he called out again. "Please, Hazel. I know you can hear me." He was getting closer; I could feel his panic. "I'm fine, Sev." Even in my mind, my voice trembled. Damn. Not even one minute later, I heard him climbing the stairs. I leant my head down on the railing and groaned.
"What do you think you're doing?" I could feel him right behind me. "Sitting." I didn't mean to have an attitude; I just really want to be alone. "Get away from the ledge." When I didn't respond, he reached under my arms and hoisted me up like I was a ragdoll. He spun me around to face him, and I stared blankly at his chest. "Look at me." I shook my head. My chin was trembling, and tears were streaming down my face.
He hooked his finger under my chin and gently raised it. The second my eyes met his, I stepped back. I am tired of feeling so helpless, and his eyes seem to always be my downfall. I could see the hurt in his eyes, and it made it even more difficult to not fall into his arms. "I told you I was fine, Severus." He took a hesitant step towards me. "You can't lie to me, Hazel."
That was my undoing. I started pacing laps around the circular tower. "That's the problem! The only person I have ever been so open with is my grandmother. I have never lied to her. And now, because I can't lie to you, I have to lie to her!" He stood still, only watching me as I passed in front of him. "I can't go home for Christmas. If I do, you and I will be in danger again. I can't tell her what is going on. If I do, she will be in danger, too. She has been through one war already; I cannot put her through another one." I clenched my fists together to try to steady my breathing.
"I can't tell her Albus is going to die. I can't tell her about Voldemort's plans for Draco. I can't even tell her about you! If I do, she'll know that I have fallen in love with a teacher! How am I supposed to –" I halted. I was standing behind him, and I could feel his heart sink just as mine did. He didn't turn to face me; his mind was racing. "I mean, I cannot tell her about our bond. She will only ask questions that I cannot answer." I tried to reverse the damage. I couldn't look at him, so I walked to the balcony closest to me and stared out over the Black Lake. I shivered; it was even colder up here.
He cast a warming spell on us both and approached me slowly. "I am sorry. I have been a fool thinking that our bond hasn't impacted you as greatly as it has." He placed his hand on my shoulder. I was still crying, and I couldn't control the small sobs escaping my throat. "It is not your fault, Severus. I have been too caught up in running around with you in secret while also trying to be a regular student to stop and take it all in. I received a letter from my grandmother, and it all hit me at once."
He slowly wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed my back into his chest. He felt so guilty and ashamed. I sighed and let my head fall back against his shoulder. "Spending time with you has been more than I could have ever dreamt of, and I can't share it with anyone. I want to tell all my friends, but they wouldn't understand." I admitted through another sob. "I know you can't either, but I doubt you'd want to. I am the foolish one to think that I have it worse." He could lose his job if anyone found out.
He kissed the top of my head and turned me around to face him. "I will admit that it is a frightening thought. But I too find it difficult to not share our connection with anyone. Minerva has been by my side for quite some time, and she is awfully nosy." He smiled softly and cupped my cheeks, wiping away the tears that were still falling.
My heart skipped a beat hearing him say he wants to tell someone about us. Does he want to tell her about our bond, or is there more? He leant down and kissed me, no doubt tasting the salty tears on my lips. "Nevertheless, I must remember that I am still your professor. I will suspend your rounds so that you can focus on preparing for your N.E.W.T.'s and spending time with your friends." He took a small step back. I frowned, took a step towards him, and locked his hands in mine. "Only in the classroom are you my professor. Everywhere else, you are anything but."
He looked hesitant. "I know you feel like there is a power imbalance, Sev. You have to know that I do not feel that way." I squeezed his hands. "Yes, you have power over me. But it is not because you are my professor. It is because you make me feel so…" I want to say "loved", but I've already slipped up once today. "…so adored. So happy." I smiled. "I do not want to stop rounds. It is the only time I get to be alone with you." I wrapped my arms around his waist. No warming charm could compare to the heat I feel when my body is pressed against his.
He wrapped his fingers around the nape of my neck and tilted my head to face him. "I understand. But, for now, I think it would be best. I think Miss Rosewood would appreciate it, too." He smirked. He was trying to make light of his suggestion to distance himself from me. "Fine." I took a step back. "If that's what you want." His smirk faded, and he felt defeated. "Enjoy trying to catch students without your personal spy." I knew he wanted to stop me as I turned and ran down the stairs, but I wanted to get away.
It has been three weeks since our conversation in the Astronomy Tower. We only see each other in class, and he only comes to the Great Hall for dinner. We very rarely speak, both out loud and through our minds. The only time we do speak is a fleeting "hello" as we pass each other and an occasional "good night" as I climb into bed. He is seldom in his room when I am in mine, and I assume that is intentional. It is almost painful to have him so physically close yet so emotionally far.
We have also not spoken of my fleeting confession. I was grateful, yes, but also overwhelmingly anxious. The way I felt his heart sink at my admission made me question everything. Did his heart falter because he doesn't feel the same way and because he feels guilty for leading me on? Or did it skip a beat at the fact that I admitted what we're both feeling?
Did he really put a stop to our rounds because he was being considerate of my education and social life? Or did he want to put as much distance between us as possible in an attempt to quell the rapidly building feelings that our relationship is stirring? All I know for sure is that I need a fucking drink.
As it is the last Saturday before Christmas break, Slughorn is throwing a "Slug Club Christmas Party". We are allowed to bring a date, and I am bringing Tas. "I don't even want to go tonight. What's so special about his parties anyway?" She complained as she climbed out of my shower. I wasn't offended; I knew she was buzzing with excitement. "There is nothing special about them, but there will be alcohol." I laughed. "Brilliant." She beamed as she joined me on the floor in front of the fire.
I have finished curling my hair, and I am almost finished with my makeup. "Here." I handed her a tumbler of firewhiskey that I poured while she was in the shower. "Pre-drinking. I like it." She laughed, taking a sip. "I still need to transfigure a dress. I'm thinking red." I mused. "How very Gryffindor of you." She rolled her eyes. I jumped up and started filing through my wardrobe. Other than some underwear, the only thing I have in red is a silk blouse.
I transfigured the blouse into a silk dress with a low v-cut halter neck, sinched around the waist, and sitting just above the floor. I'll have to wear a seamless G-string, and I definitely cannot wear a bra. "The red wasn't such a bad choice after all." Tas smirked as I slipped into the dress. "Lucky you're wearing black. If you wore green, people might think we're dressing to the Christmas theme." I laughed. "Finish your drink; we're going to be late." I nudged her as I slipped into my heels.
We could hear the music from Slughorn's office from down the hall. We walked arm-in-arm into the buzzing party and headed straight for the makeshift bar. We're going to need to be drunk to get through this night. For the first hour, Tas and I drank as many cocktails and shots of firewhiskey as we could. I felt lighter; all my worries about Severus, Albus, Draco, and my grandmother had faded away. I saw Hermione and Harry hiding behind a curtain, so I broke off from Tas to greet them. I didn't make it halfway through the dance floor before I felt an arm wrap around my waist.
"Good evening, Hazel. You look gorgeous." Augustus' hot breath fanned across my shoulder, and I grimaced, my lightness quickly turning to nausea. I spun around and pried myself from his grip. "Thank you, Augustus." I forced a smile and brushed my hands down my dress, as though I could wipe his touch off me. "Care to dance?" He extended his hand. "Oh, actually, I was just about to…" Before I could finish my decline, he slipped one hand into mine and placed the other on my waist. I was too drunk and the music was too loud to hear the minds around me, but his was clear as day. "I can't wait to get you out of this dress."
I felt a chill down my spine, and it wasn't from his vile assumption that I would leave this party with him. Severus was here. What is he doing here? "Please, Augustus, I am trying to find my friends." I slurred slightly and tried to push his shoulder; I felt dirty having his body pressed against mine. "But we are friends, Hazel. The Head Boy and Girl should be seen dancing together." His hand slipped down to rest on the curve of my ass and pulled me closer to him. Before I could attempt to push him away again, he was ripped away from me.
Severus had his collar scrunched in his fist, and there was a burning rage in his eyes. "I believe Miss Goldstein declined your offer, Mr. Bagshaw." He seethed. His anger was coursing through my veins, and I started to pant. "Your evening has come to an end. Get. Out." He dropped Augustus' collar with a force that made him stumble. "But, sir, we –" Augustus tried to defend his actions. "I will not repeat myself again, Mr. Bagshaw. Get out." Severus towered over him and pointed towards the door.
The whole party was silent; everyone was watching us. "Thank you, Professor." I slurred, swaying slightly. "Are you alright?" His eyes were piercing into mine. "Peachy." Being drunk in front of him almost made me forget that we were not alone. Merlin, he looks so good. "You look delicious, Severus." I giggled softly. My fingers were twitching; I wanted to wrap my hands around his neck and devour those lips I love so much.
"Horace, I will escort Miss Goldstein to her dormitory. It appears your free-flowing firewhiskey has gotten the best of her." Was all I heard before Severus wrapped his hand around my arm and led me from the party. "What was that for? I was having fun." I stumbled as he dragged me through the halls. "Too much fun, it appears." His grip on my arm tightened so much that I was sure I'd have a bruise tomorrow.
"Seeing his hands on you made me feel sick." His rage had not settled. "Feeling his hands on me made me feel sick." I could still feel his hand creeping towards my ass, and I shuddered. He pulled me into his office, and as soon as he locked the door, I wrapped my hands around his neck and crashed my lips onto his, just like I wanted to do at the party. I slipped my tongue in and moaned into his mouth. It has been so long since I have tasted him, and I am already dripping with need.
He placed his hands on my waist and pushed me back. "Certainly not tonight, darling." I pouted as he took my hand and led me to the fireplace. He picked me up bridal style, and I closed my eyes at the brightness of the green flames. He walked me to my bathroom and set me down in front of him. "You look beautiful in that dress." He kissed my forehead briefly and spun me around to help me out of it.
"You told me once that you liked me better in red." I blushed as he dragged the zipper down. "So you wore this for me?" He smirked. "Well, no. I didn't think I would see you tonight." I turned to face him and let my dress fall to the ground. My nipples hardened instantly, and it wasn't from the coldness of my bathroom. He groaned at the sight of me naked in front of him. "Shower." He waved his hand, turning the shower on, and pushed me lightly. "Join me?" I giggled as I pulled my G-string down and climbed in.
"Not tonight." He sat down on the edge of my bathtub. I huffed and rolled my eyes as I let the hot water wash away the alcohol and Augustus' touch. He wasn't going to join me, but the fact that he was watching was almost more exhilarating. Keeping eye contact, I ran my hands over my tits, down my stomach, and through my slick folds. I moaned as he watched me and began to rub circles over my clit. I could feel the heat shooting to his groin, and it only made me more excited.
"Stop it, darling. I am not going to do this while you are drunk." I pouted, and he waved his hand, turning the water off. As I stepped out of the shower, he stood up, grabbed a towel, and started drying me. I watched as he ran the towel over every corner of my body, and I moaned as he dried my inner thighs and over my core. He knew perfectly well that it wasn't wet from the water. "If you don't want to do this, you need to stop touching me." I spun on my heel and climbed into bed.
"You're going to sleep in the nude?" He cocked an eyebrow. I nodded as I sat in front of him. He groaned. "You're going to be cold." He was trying to keep his eyes on mine and not my tits. "You're more than welcome to warm me up, Severus." I winked. "We have two weeks for me to keep you warm over Christmas, darling." He smirked. I laid down as he pulled the covers over me. "I will see you tomorrow. Sleep well." He kissed my cheek, and I smiled. My eyes fluttered closed, and through my eyelids I saw a flash of green flames. "Good night, Sev."