I woke up several hours later, though I wasn't entirely sure what time it was. It took me a few moments to find my bearings, seeing as the last thing I saw before I fell asleep was Severus' chest. I felt the silky satin of my bedsheets and the plush pillow beneath my head. I expected Severus to be lying next to me, so I rolled over, only to be met with the freezing chill of empty satin sheets. Frowning, I sat up and scanned the room, hoping to see him sitting by the fire.
My room was completely empty, and I shivered. "Sev?" I called out, knowing he was likely in his quarters. I waited a few moments, and he didn't respond. "Severus?" I tried again. I heard a faint groan. "Darling, it is two in the morning." He mumbled, sending shivers down my spine. I haven't heard his morning voice before, and it made me blush and bite my lip. "Oh, sorry. I didn't think to check the time." I had an overwhelming urge to floo to him and feel his body heat again, but I don't know his password.
"Thank you for moving me to my bed, but why did you leave?" I flopped back down against my pillow, frowning slightly. "You know why, Hazel." He was short and curt, but I sensed he was as disappointed as I was. "But Albus is gone, and I didn't see McGonagall at dinner either. And Harry –" He cut me off mid-ramble. "I know. But there are still some boundaries we must respect." I huffed and rolled over onto my side, curling into a ball. I knew he was right, but that didn't make me any less annoyed. "Get some sleep, darling. I will see you for breakfast."
I barrelled into the Great Hall a little too eagerly for a Saturday morning, but after last night, I was all but crawling out of my skin to see Severus. A few heads turned my way at the sound of my feet clambering through the door, though Severus did not flinch. He knew I was coming; I bet he could feel my heart hammering in my chest as I sprinted up from the dungeons. "A little too enthusiastic for a Saturday morning, don't you think?" I saw a faint smirk tug at his lips. He sat in the same spot he did last night, and conveniently, my spot was still free, too. It appears everyone had kept their original spots, and I only hoped it would stay this way.
I was definitely enthusiastic this morning, and his quip only egged me on further. "Good morning, everyone. I really am quite hungry; I worked up quite an appetite last night." I smiled and plopped down next to Severus. "Morning, Hazel! What were you doing last night?" A second-year Gryffindor girl beamed from across the table. "Hi, Arabell. I cleaned my whole room, top to bottom. I was on my knees half the night!" I chuckled, and I heard Severus let out the faintest of snorts.
"Why didn't you use your wand?" Arabell asked. Even though I was a Slytherin, she was buzzing with excitement that the Head Girl was paying attention to her. "Sometimes I prefer to clean the old-fashioned way. Funnily enough, however, I was holding my wand in my mouth as I scrubbed the floor, and I slipped and choked on it!" Arabell and a few others who had been listening in burst out into laughter. "I bet your throat is sore today, Hazel." Flitwick chuckled. Severus wasn't laughing anymore; I heard a low groan.
"Yes, a bit. But I soothed it with some nice warm milk afterwards." I smirked as Severus shifted slightly next to me. "Stop it." I paid no mind to his plea. "Good morning, Professor. Can you please pass me a sausage?" I turned to face him, holding up my plate. I heard a few mental gasps from the students around me. It was an incredibly brave thing to attempt to ask anything of the infamous dungeon bat. "I believe you are quite capable of getting your own breakfast, Miss Goldstein." He sneered, not looking at me, and took a sip of his coffee. "What I wouldn't give to bend you over this table and spank you."
I stifled a moan and clenched my thighs. "Oh, Severus. Give the poor girl a sausage." Flitwick piped up; he had clearly seen my bold attempt too and thought he needed to help me. I had to choke back a laugh as he added fuel to my innuendo fire. Severus' eyes snapped to him from across the table and then briefly at me. "You're in trouble, darling." Instead of passing me a single sausage, he passed me the whole tray. "Seeing as you are so famished, perhaps more than one sausage will do you some good." He let his eyes travel to my cheeks briefly, and I caught a fleeting smirk. My cheeks were clearly flushed.
"Thank you, Professor." I bit my lip as I piled some buttered toast, eggs, and a sausage on my plate. I don't even really like sausages that much, but I started this game, and I'll be damned if I let him finish it. I plucked the sausage up between my fingers and brought it to my mouth, letting out a soft moan so only he could hear me, and bit into it. "Hmm. Not as thick as I am used to, but still just as delicious." I hummed, trying desperately not to smirk. "Oh, darling. The way you moaned around my thickness last night would tell me that you find me much more delicious."
I choked and spluttered, gasping for air and tears forming at my eyes. "Dear me, Miss Goldstein. Choking again already?" His baritone voice, a low growl right next to my ear, made me shudder. I doubt anyone else heard him. "Are you alright, Hazel?" I heard Professor Sprout call out from down the table. I waved my hand and nodded, still coughing slightly, and took a sip of pumpkin juice. Just as I was beginning to calm down, I felt his hand lay on my thigh and creep up at a rapid pace.
I sucked in a breath, and I leant forwards slightly, trying to prevent anyone from seeing his ministrations. "What's the matter, darling? You must be willing to reap what you sow." It took all I had not to whimper as his hand traced under my skirt and swept across my mound. I turned to look at him briefly and noticed his right hand still sitting on the table next to me, and I frowned. "Disillusioned." He kept his face as stoic as ever. I couldn't be seen staring at him, so I turned to focus on my food.
I could feel my legs begin to quake as his fingers slipped into my panties and traced between my slick folds. "Already wet." I could hear him groan in his mind, and I bit my lip. I couldn't do thishere, so I attempted to stand up and storm out of the hall, just as he had done last night. However, I found I could not move even the slightest amount. "Sticking charm." He stated simply. I clenched my jaw to stop it from falling open. "Severus, please." I begged. When he started rubbing slow circles on my clit, I coughed to cover up a whimper and took another sip of pumpkin juice.
"Please, what?" He increased his speed a fraction and dropped a finger to tease my entrance. "Stop! I didn't stick you to the chair yesterday. This is not fair." I couldn't help but roll my hips slightly, even though I could hardly move. "Tut, tut, Hazel. You say I am being unfair, but your quivering legs and flushed cheeks prove that you are quite enjoying this." He slipped his finger into my dripping pussy, and I clutched at my knife and fork, digging them into the table beneath.
"Please, Sev." I swallowed hard as he quickly slipped another finger in and started to thrust. "Are you begging me to stop, or to keep going?" I couldn't answer him as I began to pant; I was already so close to my peak. I was beginning to panic, but I can't deny that his public display caused a fire to erupt in my stomach, even though I knew nobody could tell what he was doing. "Cat got your tongue, darling?" He hooked his fingers and increased his speed on my clit, flicking it slightly.
I knew I was about to come undone, and I didn't think I had it in me to be quiet. With a quick, discrete flick of my wrist, I cast muffliato and disillusionment spells. The former to block my impending howl of pleasure, and the latter to ensure my face was kept neutral to the eyes of those around me. However, as soon as the enchantments were in place, they were dismantled. My heart sank as I tried to suppress a yelp.
"For fuck's sake, Severus! I won't be able to keep quiet!" I was panting harder than ever and biting down on my lip so hard I knew I was about to draw blood. "You better try then, darling." He chuckled softly, and slammed his fingers in and out of me with a force so relentless that I had to grip his arm and curl my toes. I was sweating, and I knew for sure that my face was bright red. I prayed to any deity listening that no one would look over at me.
I focused all the energy I had left in me to steady my breathing. I knew my climax was about to crash over me harder than ten thousand rocks on a lake. "Good girl." That was my undoing, hearing him praise me for my control. I sunk my nails into the sleeves of his robes hard enough that I was sure I would leave marks on his skin. My walls clamped down on his fingers as hard as my teeth clamped down on my cheeks, and squeezed my eyes shut as stars clouded my vision. A strangled moan caught in my throat, and I coughed as softly as I could so as not to draw attention to myself.
Had I not been stuck to this chair, I definitely would have fallen off. My legs were shaking, and my chest was heaving with ragged breaths as he pulled his fingers out of me. As he lifted his arm away from me, his disillusioned arm morphed into his real one. I watched as he sucked each finger clean, as though he was cleaning them from the remnants of his breakfast, and not my climax. "I definitely think you are more delicious than any breakfast." He smirked, this time not trying to hide it, and I whimpered.
My breathing was evening out, and I was beginning to fade back into reality. "That was still unfair, Sev." I huffed. "Was it? Something tells me that you quite relish in having an audience." An image of him bending me over this table as he fucked me from behind while everyone watched flashed across my eyes, and I clamped my hand over my mouth. "Hazel…" He threatened me to keep my daydreams in check. "You can't blame me when you say stuff like that right after making me –" He cut me off. "I'm sorry. I let myself get carried away, and I should have known better. I have some work to do today, I will see you later."
And with that, he swept from the room. I wanted to run after him, demand that we discuss what just happened, however, I knew I couldn't. I waited until I could no longer feel him before excusing myself as well, and I was grateful he thought to unstick me before storming out. I knew he had likely not returned to his office or chambers, as I am sure he wanted to maintain some distance after our public rendezvous and my lust filled daydream, but that is where I would start.
During my descent into the dungeons, I let my mind wander. In all our months of sneaking around, we had never discussed sex. I figured that he was still trying to "maintain restraint", but I knew he was finding it difficult. He was always quick to put an end to our encounters if we started to get too heated. I didn't think much of it, seeing as I am still a virgin, and I know he was already hesitant enough to begin our sexual relationship in the first place.
What I am unsure of, though, is if he is restraining himself because he knows that I am a virgin, if he "doesn't want to take advantage of me" as he said last night, or if it is simply because I am still his student. I assume it is most likely a mix of all three. Can we even call what we are a "relationship", though? That is another thing we have yet to discuss. As of right now, we are simply bonded souls, nothing more. At least, that is what I assumed he felt.
We haven't even spoken about when I accidentally professed my love for him. Though, I suppose that is a good thing, considering how he just stormed away from me. Maybe I was wrong to think he thought differently of me after all these months. Maybe he was taking advantage of me. Maybe we were taking advantage of each other. After all, he is clearly much more experienced than I am.
By the time I reached my room, my mind was whirling, and I felt nauseous. As I suspected, he wasn't in his chambers or in his office. However, after my descent into madness, I breathed a sigh of relief; perhaps some distance would do us some good. I locked all my feelings away, just in case he came close, and filled the bath. As I sank down, I relished in the heat of the water and sighed as it eased the tension in my muscles. I took a deep breath and plunged into the depths. As I reached the floor of the deep tub, I slowly let out all my air so as to keep myself from rising to the surface.
I could feel my lungs start to restrict as I reached the twenty-second mark, and I ascended. I repeated this over and over again until there were no thoughts in my mind due to oxygen deprivation. It was truly a welcome, blissful serenity; all senses were cut off. No thoughts, no feelings, no buzzing in my ears, eyes black, and only the slight sway of the water around me. Silence, even from myself. Again, I plunged into the nothingness of the bath and let the air trickle from my lungs.
During this exercise, I realised I was able to hold my breath for longer and longer each time. Now, however, it dawned on me that I had been under for quite some time. My body started to tingle, and the emptiness of my mind quickly turned into a panicked frenzy. Too weak to move, and having forgotten in my haze that I was still under water, I tried to suck in a breath.
As water filled my lungs I choked and spluttered, grasping at my throat. My bath is too deep for me to stand, so I knew it would take a great deal of strength to kick up to reach the surface. My vision started to fade away, and coldness took over my body. The last thing I felt before the numbness enveloped me, was the water erupting, and I was sucked into the whirlpool that formed in front of me.
The rock-hard, freezing-cold tiles of my bathroom floor woke me. I was so sure that I had died, though I am still not quite sure if I am alive yet either. "Hazel?" I heard a distant voice ring out, though I can't be certain that I had even heard it. All I could hear was the clattering of my teeth and the hammering of my heart in my chest. My whole body was shaking; I felt like I had been plunged into an ice bath and held there with no mercy.
"Hazel!" I felt broad hands rest on my shoulders, rattling me. I groaned and gasped at the sudden heat from their skin. In a flash, I was dried, and my eyes shot open. The light from the bathroom stung, but before I clamped them shut again, I caught a glimpse of Severus. I should have known those hands belonged to him. "Freezing." I knew I wouldn't be able to speak, and even in my mind, my voice trembled.
"I know, darling. But I cannot warm you too fast, otherwise you could go into shock." His voice was soft and low, and he was terrified. He pulled me into his arms, and I sobbed and shivered, naked beneath him. His warm hands traced slowly over my freezing body; up my arms, over my chest, down my stomach, and over my legs. After what felt like hours, my breathing began to even out, and I could feel warmth spread through my body. I sighed and shuddered, nestling further into his touch.
With incredible ease, he lifted me bridal style and placed me down in my bed, which was, thankfully, warmed up too. As he pulled the covers over me, I rolled my head lazily to the side and watched as he levitated an armchair and sat next to me. I didn't expect to see him so soon, though I am not entirely sure how long I was in the bath. His eyes were locked on mine, searching for anything to explain the state he unfortunately found me in. But he wouldn't find anything.
"Did you do that on purpose?" His voice seemed ragged, as though he was as short of breath as I was. "What happened?" I knew how I ended up in my predicament, but I didn't know how he knew to come. He wasn't anywhere near me when I entered the bath. "I couldn't breathe. At first, I thought you might have left the grounds." He sighed. I felt guilty; my foolish attempt to feel nothing caused him as much harm as it did me.
"Did you do that on purpose, Hazel?" He repeated. I didn't know how to answer him; though I did put myself in the bathtub, I didn't mean to almost drown myself. "Not entirely." Was all I could manage. He frowned, waiting for me to explain myself further. "I just didn't want to think. It was quiet, even from my own mind." I rolled onto my back and stared at the dark ceiling above me, watching the caustic light dancing across it.
"That doesn't put me at ease." I could still feel his eyes piercing into the side of my face. "It was an accident, Severus. Nothing more." I didn't mean to be short with him, after all, he did just save my life. I am just so exhausted from this game of hot and cold, and I don't know how much more of it I can take. He let out a long, deep sigh. "Do I need to take you to Madam Pomfrey?" He stood up and sat on my bed next to my thigh. "No, I am fine now."
I flinched when his hand rested on my stomach, and a wave of guilt flooded over him. "I can't keep up with you, Severus." I pushed his hand away from me and sat up, leaning on the headboard. "We have been through this before." He remained silent, his eyes piercing mine. "We make progress; you let me in just a little more each time before pulling away again." Though I was now warm on the outside, my blood ran cold. "We are equals in this." I paused for a moment, gesturing between us. "Whatever this is."
When he attempted to place his hand on my knee, I tucked them up against my chest. "You make me feel alive and exhilarated, and my body is practically on fire when you're close." I wrapped my arms around my legs to keep them from flying around as I spoke. "And then you leave, and I am, once again, left encased in ice." I was panting slightly. I don't know if I am necessarily mad at him; it is just so exhausting to be completely at his mercy. I would happily fall to my knees should he ask me to, and yet, when I make him slightly uncomfortable, he forces me out of his life.
"I apologise for breakfast, Hazel. I should not have attempted something so public; it was not wise." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Merlin, Severus. This isn't about breakfast; it's about what happened after." I raked my fingers through my hair. "You are a man of truth, so do not insult me with a lie." He frowned slightly. "The vision you saw right before you stormed away again." He tensed and swallowed sharply. "Do not sit in front of me now and tell me you have never had a similar thought."
He closed his eyes for a moment and let out a long sigh. "I know this is difficult, Hazel. You are so young and have so much to learn." When I opened my mouth to retort, he held his hand up. "Yes, you are mature. But the world you have unfortunately been forced into is not one that I want for you, or anyone else, for that matter. I have been foolish these past few months. Not for being with you, but for not preparing you for what is to come. Whether I like it or not, you are a part of this war now, too." I was listening with rapt attention, my eyes never leaving his.
"We cannot afford to be ignorant. Many lives are at stake, and most importantly, yours." I felt tears prickle at my eyes as he spoke. He seldom says more than a few sentences at a time, and my heart both swelled and sank in equal parts hearing him speak now. He doesn't regret being with me; he is simply afraid for my safety. This war will be catastrophic for everyone, both involved and not. "My life is no more important than anyone else's, Severus. Especially yours." The heat from my skin had quickly faded, and I began to shiver.
"I disagree." His baritone voice sounded so sombre. I frowned at his statement and let out a low huff when he stood up. "Move over." He didn't take his eyes off me as he kicked off his shoes. I scooted over as he lifted the blanket and laid down next to me, drawing me into his arms. Once again, he set my freezing body ablaze. "I'm sorry." I whispered into his chest. After a moment of feeling his steady, deep breaths, he kissed the top of my head. "Me too."
He didn't need me to elaborate. He knew I was sorry for scaring him. I didn't need him to elaborate, either. I knew he was sorry for this morning and every other time he ran out on me. We lay for a while in peaceful silence, relishing in the heat of each other's embrace. "I will not insult you, Hazel." He spoke softly. I lifted my chin to meet his gaze and frowned slightly. Now I need him to elaborate.
"I will admit to having similar thoughts." I pressed my hands on his chest and shot upright, hovering over him, disbelief smearing across my face. "I keep them locked away, just as you should. It is hard enough to stay away from each other. We cannot risk giving in to temptation while the devil still lurks. You must believe me when I say that I am not rejecting you when incidents like this morning occur. I must keep perspective, and I must stay vigilant. For both our sakes."
His words both cut me and healed me in equal parts. I hate that he keeps his thoughts locked away from me. I feel terrible that he has to continue to keep his guard up to keep us both safe, while I am merely going about my life with all but one secret: him. Hearing him say that we could not cross that line made my heart ache. Though it was uncharted waters for me, I would be more than willing to dive in head first, knowing I would be swimming with him. Every move he makes is intentional, and I would do well to attempt the same.
"Thank you." I was still hovering over him, though now I had rested my forearms against his chest. I leant down and placed a soft kiss on his lips, but I didn't linger for long. I wanted him to know that I was not attempting anything after his confession; I simply wanted to show him that I appreciated his everlasting concern. For a moment, we were still, gazing into each other's eyes, breathing each other's air, and feeling each other's heat. "Teach me." I brought my thumb up to rub the crease between his brows when they furrowed.
"I am a part of this war. Teach me to keep perspective. Teach me to stay vigilant." His frown increased slightly, and I saw a few faces flash across his eyes, many of whom I didn't recognise. Among the sea of unknown faces, I caught glimpses of Professor Lupin, Sirius Black, and Mad-Eye Moony. What sent shivers down my spine, however, were the cloaked and masked figures, clouded in smoke. It was my turn to frown now. Why on earth was he thinking about Sirius Black, the man who tried to kill him? And who were the hooded ghosts?
"I will teach you. But I need to speak to Albus first." I continued to glare at him when he provided no further explanations. He ran his thumb through my creased brow, just as I had done to his, and pulled me back down to his chest. "We will begin tomorrow; you have my word." He began to trace slow circles over my back, and for the first time since I woke up in my bed, I realised I was still naked. I smiled softly, both at how chaotic today had turned out to be and at how perfectly at ease I felt in his arms. "I trust you."