Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Leisure Suit Larry, or any of the characters from the franchise. I do not fully know how everyone relates to one another, and this work is complete fiction. I am not making any profit on this publication and do this mainly out of a love for the games.
The Spy Who Didn't Shag Me
Chapter 4: How To Spend A Million Dollars.
I would like to start this chapter off by stating that the one-million-dollar bill does not (officially) exist. At the time of this chapters typing, the highest denomination of bills ever issued in America had been the one-hundred-thousand-dollar bill, but that was only to be used between banking institutions. The current highest bill issued for public circulation is the one-hundred-dollar bill. This, of course, means that the so called one-million-dollar bill was not genuine currency.
You see, the Lucky Life Lottery company and the United States Mint made an arrangement, allowing for the bill given away on the show to be used at either a bank, or certain very high dollar boutiques. The common thought behind this was that someone who would win something like that would either take it to a bank to get it broken down into something smaller, or they were going to spend it right away.
Larry was of the latter group of people, but that was more so out of necessity. As he was leaving KROD Studios, he took a good look at his tickets for the Love Tub and saw that it was supposed to depart in a few hours. This meant he had very little time to get things together for the trip. He would need a swimsuit, as well as some other items. He might also need a haircut, or at least something to make him look younger. He had to improve his chances with Barbara Bimbo.
He moved his way down the streets, turning a corner away from the still closed music shop, to another street with shops on it. In fact, the first shop he came across was Molto Lira, which had been one of the priciest shops in Los Angeles. In fact, its clientele at the time had been the wealthiest people in the world, and every suit offered in the place cost over a million dollars apiece. It was also, unknown to Larry, the only place in town that would break his 'million-dollar-bill'.
Working the counter at this high dollar shop was a very beautiful woman of Italian descent. Her name was Martina, and she was very good at her job. She could upsell any of the clientele who came into the shop and was a very good judge of the patrons. With their prices, she didn't see much in business, but she also knew that one suit would pay the rent for many years. She could also tell that the patron who just entered had to be new to big money. He was also someone she wanted out of the place quickly, due to his fashion scenes.
Larry, in his clueless sense, took in the shop, and could already tell that his million would cover a partial cost. While he was almost ready to ask the sexy lady at the counter if there was anything less costly, he spotted the bargain rack in the very back of the shop. If he wasn't in such a time crunch, he'd trying to get her number, just in case things didn't work out with Barbara.
He quickly made his way to the back and started to go through the rack of discount stuff. Given the time of year, all the items on the rack were for the summertime, and hardly needed, even in Los Angeles. It included many summer clothes of the highest price range, including the trendiest and sexiest of swimsuits, the Speedo.
I will make an aside here to focus on the suit commonly called a Speedo, and the company. The truth is that the Speedo company makes many types of sportswear. The iconic swimsuit known as a Speedo is a rather snug and small type of swim trunks that just barely covers a man's manhood. It is due to this that the suit had been associated with it being sexy. Larry, like many men, thought it would enhance his sex appeal, but like many men who thought this, this was not the case. That didn't stop Larry from picking up the swimsuit and purchasing it. With all the pomposity that having vast wealth can give a person, Larry took it up to the counter, and laid it there with his million-dollar bill.
Martina was not surprised by this, and while she wanted to be rid of Larry quickly, since she was sure he was eying her, she also wanted to teach him a lesson about that pompous attitude. She rang up the suit, costing a cool one hundred thousand, before the sales tax, and started to count out his change. Knowing that one-hundred-dollar bills were preferred for stuff like smaller purchase, she started to slowly count out the change in one-hundred-dollar increments. She only stopped the counting when Larry mentioned that he had a ship to catch. It was fortunate for both her and Larry that she had pre-counted wads of hundred-dollar bills.
Larry took his purchase, his change, which he mentally noted could add to the look of his 'package' (which wasn't much to begin with according to some) and headed out of the store. He then headed off in the direction of another store, which was your typical pharmacy style store. It was just past the now defunct Brown Derby store, which was at one time a legendary haberdashery until fashion senses had drastically changed when it came to stuff like ties and such. The only reason it remained was that even the pharmacy would inform people to find it next to the giant derby.
As Larry entered the pharmacy, he decided to make his way over to the sunscreen aisle. He did this under the watchful eye of clerk, Jeff, whom could be categorized as a surfer dude, which he embraced in his college days. While Jeff looked laidback, he was blessed with some latent skills. In his strange way, he had pick out many shoplifters by calling them out before they reached the door, stating what they were carrying, and even scarier, naming odd items in their pockets. The shift Jeff was working never had reports of shoplifting, or theft of any kind.
Jeff was also skilled at recommending the perfect sunscreen, and while he only had a passing glance at Larry, he promptly said to him, "You'll want the ChromeDome 60. It'll be good for that balding spot." Many of the other patrons that came to the place knew to take Jeff's advice. Larry was like many men and didn't like being reminded of his encroaching baldness. Still, he discretely took the recommended sunscreen, and momentarily pondered purchasing some 'lubbers'.
Larry dismissed that idea, recalling what had happened a few weeks prior. When he had been walking in the store, he didn't see anyone else there, but that was the same back in Lost Wages. There was no sense in tempting fate, especially now that he was a millionaire. So he walked over to the counter, placed the sunscreen down, as well as one of his one-hundred dollar bills. He was going to be good natured and share his luck, and said, "Keep the change."
Jeff didn't bat an eye and rang up the purchase. He handed Larry the receipt, and did as Larry said, since having that much over in the till might look bad on him. He was thankful that he knew some sleight of hand, since even though he was trustworthy, others weren't and that caused a camera to be on the till the whole time. Once he had discretely pocketed the change, he responded with the typical phrase, "Have a nice day!"
The phrase 'Have a nice day' came about thanks to an ad campaign by a greeting card company in the seventies. It eventually went from greeting cards to everyday vernacular. As the years passed, the term took on alternate meanings with the growing sarcasm of the world. In fact, most times people said 'Have a Nice Day' to Larry, they usually added on 'Someplace Else' under their breath, or out loud if they didn't want to be nice. Larry had heard that a lot in his life, so he was stunned when Jeff didn't end with those extra words.
Larry then decided to head back to the convenience store. The least he could do was spread his wealth, and maybe make a good impression on the lady there. He wasn't surprised when he saw she was still there. She was definitely a pleasant sight to see in the place. He didn't approach her right away though, since he wanted to make a good impression by purchase something costly. It was then his eyes landed on the soda fountain.
During the cola wars that raged in the late eighties and early nineties, only one company came up with a monumentally stupid idea, and the convenience story Larry was in was the only one to agree to it. That stupid idea was the Grotesque Gulp. The cup was as tall as an average man and would take several gallons to fill. A soda that size would normally take someone with superhuman strength to lift. That is why the cup was specially constructed to seem lighter than it looked. The biggest part of this mistake was the price of that. It was drastically low. In fact, the cost of it would have paid for a movie, large popcorn and large soda at a theater at the time. The company execs that made this was hoping no one would buy it or else they would be ruined.
While Larry never knew about the drink, he figured it was the right thing to purchase to show off his new wealth. It was huge, and most likely expensive. He started filling up the massive cup, which would be a torturous thing to do. He had to remain at the machine as the soda came out of the machines tap in a constant stream. While it would only take about fifteen seconds to fill a large soda cup, this one took a lot longer.
It should be noted here that when they were product testing the Grotesque Gulp, they judged the filling time to be average five to ten minutes. During the testing, it was determined that either one with a strong bladder, or completely empty one would be able to withstand remaining by the cup as it fills. It was actually very lucky that Larry hadn't drank anything too recently, and that Allie had been gifted with a super strong bladder.
While that cup was filling, Larry's look alike, who was an agent for the KGB and Dr. Nonookie, was busy preparing his disguise for when he picked up the plans for Dr. Nonookie's grand device. Those plans were for the final part of the device and stored on a microfiche that needed to get to Dr. Nonookie to make his device operative on a global scale. He was busy getting into the outfit he was supposed to wear, while memorizing the complicated code phrases to minimize the chances of it falling into the wrong hands. As a rule, the spy game doesn't fully factor in Murphy's Law.
While the spy was still memorizing his code phrases, the Grotesque Gulp finished filling up. Larry was able to find an appropriate lid for the cup, and then performed the miracle of miracles. If you were not aware of Larry's unique leisure suit, you would be surprised to know that the pockets in it had the unique capability to fit anything with in them. Also given the cup's abilities, Larry was able to put the gigantic cup in his pockets without making anything look out of place.
Seeing a sight like that, the cashier was in complete shock. She didn't even notice Larry's attempts at small talk, and automatically went into cashier mode, and charged Larry for the soda. Larry was surprised by how much he got back in change for the soda, and added it to his wad of bills.
Once Larry was done with the transaction, he pulled out his cruise ticket, and was surprised to see that the ship would be departing in under two hours. He still had things to do. He figured he would still need his hair cut (or at least have his combover touched up). He needed to sneak by Eve's and reclaim his passport. He also wanted to check out that music shop, hoping it would be open before he had to depart. He was figuring that if he got an instrument, he could access his musical talents to help win over Barbara Bimbo. Larry isn't the first man to think this when pursuing a woman, but it is this thought that would turn his life upside down (even though he wouldn't be aware of it.)