Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Leisure Suit Larry, or any of the characters from the franchise. I do not fully know how everyone relates to one another, and this work is complete fiction. I am not making any profit on this publication and do this mainly out of a love for the games.

The Spy Who Didn't Shag Me

Chapter 5: Getting Ready For The Cruise

I would like to start this chapter by stating the profession of barber in recent years has become akin to bartender. There are many barbers and hairdressers who speak with their clients or patrons. It has become a standard practice for them. Clients tend to share things with the barber, voicing some of their woes. The only difference is that the patrons are always aware of what they may be sharing.

What is not so well known is that barbers still have a guild, and it is a vast guild indeed. All barbers who join the guild swear to keep things silent and never share information. This has been a long-standing rule ever since one barber revealed that a client had donkey ears. All barbers must take the oath at the feet of a golden statue of that barber that bears an uncanny resemblance to that particular barber. (Honestly, the detail on the statue is so amazing some might have sworn it was the actual barber turned to gold.)

Some of those barbers were also gifted with a very special talent. In fact, some might have called those barbers psychics. You see, some barbers have been blessed with the gift of seeing into dreams. Now, this is not a talent a barber gets a lot of use with as all their patrons tend to be awake when having their hair cut (due to a fear of getting a nasty cut from a razor blade) and at best the only thing they have is a daydream. The barber that was near the port in Los Angeles was one of those barbers blessed with that power.

In fact, it was this barber whose shop Larry Laffer walked into. Larry had pulled out one of his hundred-dollar bills, and said, "Hey, I need to have my hair styled." This particular barber was known to be a miracle worker, and when he saw what he had to work with on Larry's head, knew he needed to be a bit of a fast talker as well.

The barber motioned to the chair, and Larry promptly sat down on it. The barber then pulled out a mirror, and said, "Look here, and take in the sight," (which the barber hoped the mirror would survive) "for when I am done, you won't recognize yourself." The barber then got to work, using all his tool to improve Larry's hair, especially his combover, (which wasn't much of a combover to begin with.)

While Larry got his hair tended to, he started to imagine the miracle that was going to happen. He imagined himself looking younger with a full head of hair, as well as how he believed he looked. (There was only one barber capable of that miracle, and they could only be found on one island.) Soon Larry's dreams turned to that of a woman that Larry was certain was Barbara Bimbo, and he and her running naked on the beach. (It is a known daydream location for a lust filled romp that is also romantic. I personally don't understand why due to all the sand getting in places it shouldn't.)

It was at that time that the barber remarked, "You certainly have interesting daydreams." It is a known fact that anyone who dreams can be influenced by outside stimulation. I, myself, have had dreams altered by something happening in the waking world. As it is, if we feel that someone can actually see our dreams, a panic situation happens. The mind will conjure an image to startle you out of the dream. So when the barber made his comment, an image from the not to recent past came to mind, and Larry's daydream was suddenly focused on Brutus relieving himself on Larry's leg. (As startling images go, this is definitely not the worst to shock someone out of the dream world.)

Thankfully, it was at that time when Larry's hair cut ended, and the barber bid him goodbye, but not before hinting at how oily it is. Now, this could have been a remark that Larry uses too much hair gel, but to be honest, Larry's use of hair gel could be debated. Let's face it. He could have used it based on the outdated ideals of male sexuality, but one can argue if he has enough hair to warrant it.

These thoughts didn't hit Larry's mind as he paid the barber and left the barber shop. He had other things on his mind. He had to get his passport from Eve's place, and he had to be sneaky about it. He wasn't sure if the police were still there or not. He also didn't know if he could get into the garage easily or not. He hadn't expected Eve to discard him after that fateful night.

Now, during all of Larry's adventures since getting chased out of Eve's place, the police had left the place and hadn't started in filing the report, as well as beginning the process of watching the place. In fact, the officer had just left Eve's place, slightly not with it after the rather exhausting thank you Eve game him. He even placed the garbage out for her, unaware of what was in the garbage. He didn't even think to call for a car to watch the place, which benefitted Larry while Eve was cleaning up after her thank you session.

It is this lapse that allows Larry to get near Eve's place, and his keen eyes managed to spot his passport in the garbage. He quickly rushed over and plucked it out of the filth. As he made his way away from Eve's place, he quickly wiped off his passport. He actually headed back in the direction of the music store, hoping that if anyone was watching wouldn't be planning to head him off if he were going back to the cruise ship. This was something Larry actually didn't have to worry about.

Now, as Larry was walking to the music store, Raguka Singh Soong was also making their way to the music store as well. It was approaching the time for the microfiche pick up. In order to help denote who he was, he had been instructed to dress in a way that stood out but would make people think he was some kind of weirdo. The decided outfit was a polyester leisure suit, and to help with security, the pass phrases were in Spanish. Like with any spy operation, the complexities are all part of making sure the fiche doesn't get into the wrong hands. In fact, to any casual observer, it would look like a poor attempt at flirting had succeed. The only way this plan would fail was if some oddly lucky yutz managed to stumble into the store and manage to say the right words. The KGB didn't plan on Larry having exceptionally good luck during this time period.

In fact, Larry was approaching the store, and the KGB was watching what was happening with very clever cover. While one man looked like a bum on the sidewalk, another two were in a souped-up car that was doing a hell of a lot of bouncing. While my own research has never found their names, I was able to determine they both were married, but not to each other. It just added to the inconspicuous look of the scene. It's also why Larry thought nothing of the bum when he entered the now open music store.

Now this music store appeared to be specialized as besides the typical guitars, drums and other typical instruments you'd find in a music store, it also had more ethnically diverse instruments, like the so called Peruvian Onklonk. (In truth, the Onklonk is a Nontoonytian instrument, as they had become very proficient in their tribe's life, but it has gone by the wayside when the great Peesea arrived.) However, what caught Larry's attention the most was the lovely Latina lady behind the counter. Larry made his way over to the counter, a smile on his face, and the thoughts of Barbara Bimbo momentarily forgotten. This meant Larry was going to do his best to charm the lady. He walked right up to her, and said the typical guy's introduction to a lovely lady. "Hello Beautiful." He tried it again after he got a blank stare, this time making sure to put a Latin accent on it.

Now what Larry was unaware of was that this second way of saying that was actually part of the pass codes that Raguka was supposed to say. It was also at this point where she noticed his outfit, as Larry's outfit was a dead ringer for the outfit Raguka was supposed to wear. To spare you the agony of reading my horrid Spanish (as the extent of my Spanish education comes from Speedy Gonzalez), I shall translate it right away for you. Thus, all you will need to imagine is a sexy Latina lady saying this. "Good day, Sir. How may I help you?"

Now Larry, being the guy he was, and being as clueless as he was, thought he had impressed her with his attempt at a Latin accent that he would give his high school Spanish a go. While he had ended up sleeping through most of the classes, dreaming about the Spanish teacher, he had passed the class. (His passing was not because he was good. He passed because unlike the jocks in the class, he didn't hit on her, and actually managed to guess more than them correctly.) Thus, he decided to compliment her looks, and with utter misplaced confidence said, "Your ears remind me of whale's breasts." (STOP LAUGHING AT MY COMMENT BEFORE THAT. I HAD INDEED SAID UTTER, AND WHY ARE YOU IMMATURE CHILDREN STILL READING THIS)

The reaction to that statement, which would normally cause a look of horror on any person's face that understood that statement in Spanish, was totally out of the norm, but actually pleased Larry as the woman responded to the statement that Larry thought he said. It was also said with a slightly brighter smile, which didn't match with how ridiculous this conversation was going. "Yes, but the moon is full, and you are a chihuahua." If there were anyone else in the store, they would have probably been snickering at that.

Larry, in honest disbelief, not expecting a full-blown conversation in Spanish figured he had to wing it now. In fact, he also didn't know how much time he had left before the cruise left, so he figured he could get to the point with a hopefully better phrase to get his point across. "My pencil is long, hard and yellow." (This was actually one of the few phrases he managed to remember, since the jocks in the class managed to remember it by repeating it often.)

This phrase did have an effect, causing the lady to change into a more business tone as she responded. "So, you're finally here! I thought you'd never show up. By the way, who writes these secret phrases, anyway?" Now, Larry didn't understand a word of that, not that that mattered at all. The answer to her question is basically people who want to minimize the possibility of the events that are about to happen.

She had then pulled out an instrument known as an Onklunk and said, "The microfiche (which was used many years ago for keeping a record of old periodicals) containing the secrets to the recent United States' superconductor research breakthrough is hidden inside this rare, Peruvian Onklunk. Don't let anyone touch it before you personally deliver it to Dr. Nonookee. And (I don't need to tell you) be careful: he, and he alone, has the authority to deliver it to the USSR agents!" She had said all this in Spanish, and it was in her best attempt at an accent, since she was like Dr. Nonookee in being from the island of Nontoonyt.

Larry, completely oblivious to what the lady said, took the offered instrument, still unsure what exactly it was, and after checking his watch, realized he needed to get to the cruise ship. He thanked her, and headed for the exit, again taking note of the bouncing vehicle, and the odd man next to it before heading off towards the port.

Now, one thing spy movies and novels tend to be correct on is the fact that on occasion, various organization will attempt to get an object, and it can turn into the situation where group one has it, then group two, and then group three, and then it is hot-potatoed between the groups. This is due to the natural distrust between groups of spies, and they don't always like to go between middlemen, and will cheat others over to get secrets sooner, or keep secrets out of others' hands. This is why the KGB agent posing as a bum set out after Larry. He also missed the most important moment he was waiting for.

You see, at that moment, Raguka Singh Soong had just arrived at the music shop and entered the place. While he was KGB, he was part of the groups that were following the orders to get the codes to Nonookee first. That was why he was supposed to meet the turned Nontoonyt woman there and get the Onklunk. He was also caught by surprise when she said without speaking Spanish, "You! What are you doing back here?!" In his moment of shock, she added to what she said, "You'd better get on with the mission before Dr. Nonookee prevents you from ever missioning again."

Now Raguka was completely aware of how Dr. Nonookee would punish male agents, as well as female agents, and was not about to fall for this woman's mistake, which is what it had to be. He just responded to her with the truth. "What are you talking about? I've never seen you before in my entire life. Besides, you're not supposed to talk to me like that before we exchange our cute, little, secret phrases!" Raguka was not an expert in Spanish and was actually in the Russian equivalent of the high school Spanish classes Larry took, so he didn't know how bad the phrases were for casual conversation.

Her response to his statement told him what he was already suspecting had happened, but how he was unclear of. "What do you mean? You just walked out that other door over there!" He knew now she was at fault. He even figured she didn't do her full job for this.

He shook his head then, responding "Not me!" He then let a stern look cross his face as he said "Hey! Wait a minute! Don't tell me you gave the goods to someone else?" He figured she didn't even try the pass phrases when she saw someone dressed like he was. He also wondered how there could be two people in this horrible leisure suit.

Now, she started to stammer, showing her fear at the mess up. She knew as well what the most likely punishment for failing Dr. Nonookee was. She had heard rumors that he had been inspired by something called the Excessive Machine. "I, eh, uh….I'm not sure, that is, there may be a.. I may have…" At that point, she almost broke into a panic as she said, "I'm sorry. He fit your description perfectly! And he said the secret code phrases as well! Although, come to think of it, he DID have a terrible accent. I thought the bad accent might have been part of your disguise."

In an instant, both spies knew they were in deep trouble (to be polite). They had both heard claims of civilians getting mixed up in the spy game. That was the reason the secret code phrases had to be so complex and ridiculous. The odds of someone being dressed like Raguka was dressed in and somehow stumble on the secret phrases was completely against the odds. If that was truly the case, they would have to have Nonookee's people get to him before the KGB got to him.

As they were both thinking about this, the woman finally said, "What will I do? Dr. Nonookee doesn't tolerate mistakes!" (Not many evil scientists or master spies tolerate mistakes, with the rare exception of Hank Scorpio.) It was then a slight idea crossed her mind. She had looked at Raguka and said with a smile that would remind anyone of a poison dipped dagger, "Of course, if you promise to help me, I won't tell him how you lost the microfiche!"

Now Raguka knew he was in a dangerous situation. He couldn't throw her under the proverbial bus if she was planning to do the same thing. A mess up like this wasn't a Prisoner's Dilemma situation. This was now an 'If I go down, you go down with me situation'. He glowered at her, and said "Why, you…" He quickly amended it and said, "if you know what's good for you, you'll shut down this joint, contact Nontoonyt Island, and get the troops to start finding this guy. They'll guarantee he tells no tales about your little indiscretion! If you can retrieve the microfiche before he discovers what he has, Dr. Nonookee might even allow you to live a few extra days!" Of course, they both knew women wouldn't be killed right away, but most likely be turned brainless before they actually died.

She nodded, and responded, knowing that once she delivered the news, she'd have a few more days before being made mindless while he would most likely being placed on the special bed the troops would use on the man who now had the Onklunk, "You're right, of course. You see if you can follow him, while I contact the island by radiotelephone." She watched as he nodded, and headed out the door, while she was preparing to call Dr. Nonookie. She had paid attention to the dating show that televised earlier, which is how she knew better what Raguka would look like, as well as the guilty pleasure she got watching them. She at least knew where to send the troops.

So, as you can see, as Larry made his way to the cruise ship, he had gotten himself into one hell of a predicament. Of course, he was entirely clueless about the situation, which could have been to his benefit, since there could be no possible way he could think his way out of this if he knew the trouble he was in. Right now, his mind was focused on the cruise with Barbara Bimbo.

This was to his benefit, for as he made his way to the port, and was near one of the seedier sections of Los Angeles, a bum approached him. This was, if Larry took a moment, a familiar looking bum with a clear Russian accent, which could have been mistaken for the man being drunk. The 'bum' offered Larry a drink at that moment, but Larry had ignored him, continuing to the port.

Thanks to Larry's pace, he made it to the port just in time as the ship hadn't pulled up the gangplank. As he approached, he pulled out his ticket. The crew members who were there were surprised at the almost late arrival and welcomed him aboard. That was until they saw the ticket.

You see, the Love Tub was going through a rough time, and needed to drum up business. They had gone to the desperate lengths of offering cruises to the winners of The Dating Connection. They already had one person with the matching ticket come aboard, and seeing Larry, they came to the same conclusion that they had with that one. Going to the show had been a mistake, and they put Larry in the matching room. These rooms, however, were not the best rooms on the ship, and definitely not ones their target demographic would be receiving. There were actually the perfect room for Larry.

Thus, Larry was at the railing as the ship cast off. He was already dreaming of what the following days of the cruise would be like. He imagined winning over Barbara Bimbo. He imagined them running along the beach naked and madly in love. And as he had a few more daydreams that would be censored here because describing them would cause some seriously tight pants (AND BECAUSE OF READERS READING THIS THAT SHOULDN'T BE READING THIS), he was unaware of certain individuals on their way to intercept him, both from the KGB and Dr. Nonookee's henchwomen squad. He was unaware at this time that Barbara Bimbo had given her mother her ticket. He was unaware that Raguka and the lady from the music store were now on a helicopter for Nontoonyt Island, and that Raguka was about to have a very painful and splitting fate that would make him wish that he was visiting Typhod Va-ja-jay instead.

Of course, we are aware of it. We are also pretty sure that we wouldn't end up in this situation, but we aren't that clueless (I hope).