Daughter:
AS A CHAMBER GUARD, NEVER REACT THE SLIGHTEST WHEN THAT HUSSY DRAPES HERSELF ALL OVER YOU DURING HER SEDUCTION OF THE HERO, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO BITE OFF YOUR TONGUE.
Son:
MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE LITTLE SNOT; IF HE ACTUALLY SUCCEEDS IN OVERTHROWING DADDY, YOU'LL BE IN CLOVER, AND IF HE SCREWS UP, EXPLAIN TO THE DARK LORD YOU WERE LOYALLY KEEPING AN EYE ON HIM AND HAND OVER YOUR LIST OF HIS OTHER FRIENDS.
Wife:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW STACKED AND BORED SHE IS, JUST BEFORE YOUR FIRST VISIT TO HER ROOMS, TRIP AND FALL UPON YOUR CEREMONIAL DAGGER IN A NOT TOO PAINFUL SPOT ON YOUR BODY. EXTRA POINTS FOR HOW CLOSE YOU GET TO YOUR GROIN.
Brother:
IF HE WAS ANY GOOD, HE'D BE THE DARK LORD. ARRANGE FOR A TRANSFER TO A TOWN FIVE HUNDRED MILES AWAY FROM HIM, THAT GUY'S A WALKING DEATH SENTENCE.
Mother-in-law:
ACCIDENTAL WEAPONS DISCHARGE = DARK LORD'S ETERNAL GRATITUDE = WINNING THIRD OF KINGDOM AND HAND OF DAUGHTER (YOU FELT HOW BIG THEY WERE WHEN SHE WAS ALL OVER YOU, REMEMBER?).
Family:
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS HAPPY FAMILIES AMONG DARK LORDS, BUT AFTER HE'S BEEN OVERTHROWN, SOMEBODY HAS TO SHOW THE HERO HOW TO RUN THINGS. HINT THAT YOU CAN TELL MR. BIG SHOT'S NEW WIFE ABOUT A CERTAIN NIGHT IN SOMEONE'S CHAMBERS.