EVEN IF YOU CLAW YOUR WAY UP A THOUSAND-FOOT VERTICAL CLIFF DURING A BLIZZARD, ALL THE COWBOY HERO HAS TO SAY IS "WE'LL HEAD 'EM OFF AT THE PASS", AND THAT BASTARD WILL BE THERE WAITING FOR YOU.
YOU SCOUTED THE PLACE AS ORDERED, WENT OVER MR. BIG'S PLAN A HUNDRED TIMES, HIT THE BANK AT THE PERFECT MOMENT, AND STILL ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE SHOWS UP RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE JOB: AN ADORABLE TYKE, THE SCHOOLMARM, SOME LITTLE OLD LADY, WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM JUST BEGGING TO BE SAVED BY YOUR NEMESIS. DON'T THEY HAVE LIVES OF THEIR OWN?
IT'S NOT FAIR. YOU WRITE TO YOUR MA REGULARLY LIKE SHE WANTED, YOU'RE POLITE TO EVERYONE HANDING OVER THEIR VALUABLES DURING THE TRAIN ROBBERIES, AND YOU TAKE A BATH EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT WITHOUT FAIL. BUT JUST BECAUSE HE'S SOMEONE'S SIDEKICK, A GUY WHO BOTH LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE A CACTUS THAT'S FAITHFULLY BAPTIZED WITH AN OVERFLOWING SPITTOON GETS MORE RESPECT THAN YOU. NOT TO MENTION THE FREE DRINKS AND THE CHANCE TO LOOK DOWN THE DANCE-HALL GIRLS' DRESSES.
BUILD A SALOON FOR YOUR RETIREMENT IN THE MOST REMOTE SPOT POSSIBLE (DOWN A MINESHAFT, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT, ON A MOUNTAINTOP), AND SOME EASTERN DUDE WILL WALK IN TWO MINUTES AFTER YOU OPEN FOR THE FIRST TIME AND NONCHALANTLY START A FIGHT THAT WILL WRECK EVERY BIT OF GLASSWARE IN YOUR PLACE. YOU, PERSONALLY, WILL GET THROWN THROUGH THE WALL MIRROR AS THE GRAND FINALE.
DON'T EVER DO IT, NO MATTER HOW CURIOUS YOU GET. ONLY THE FACT THAT EVERY INJUN IN THE WHOLE TERRITORY HAD NO IDEA HOW THEY WOUND UP THERE KEPT US FROM BEING SCALPED, THOUGH BANKER SNODGRASS CUSSED SOMETHING AWFUL ABOUT THE FAILURE OF HIS CATTLE STAMPEDE DURING A THUNDERSTORM THAT TRIED TO DRIVE THOSE FARMERS OFF THE RANGE. LOOK, I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE SAFE ENOUGH THEN TO SAY THE WORDS: "IT'S QUIET. TOO QUIET."
ALL YOU NEED TO DO TO DETERMINE THE INTELLIGENCE OF THE MYSTERIOUS MASKED RIDER'S HORSE IS TO ADD TOGETHER THE SMARTS OF THE THREE DUMBEST GUYS IN YOUR GANG, AND THEN DOUBLE THIS. WHY ISN'T THAT DAMN ANIMAL LECTURING AT HARVARD INSTEAD OF SPEEDILY BRINGING ALONG THAT ANONYMOUS NUISANCE AT ALWAYS THE PROPER MOMENT TO FOIL YOUR BOSS'S NEFARIOUS SCHEMES?
I'M FED UP WITH BEING CALLED 'CRAZY SAM' JUST BECAUSE OF SOME YARN I SHARED WITH THE OTHER RUSTLERS AROUND OUR CAMPFIRE. YEAH, I MIGHTA HAD A FEW SWALLOWS OF POPSKULL THEN, BUT I SWEAR, I REALLY SAW A ROADRUNNER LURE THE COYOTE CHASING THAT BIRD INTO DASHING OFF THE EDGE OF DEAD MAN'S GULCH.