COMING OR GOING, ESCAPING OR INVADING, THE MOUTH OF THE SECRET TUNNEL WILL ALWAYS UNERRINGLY APPEAR RIGHT UNDER YOUR BUNK, EVEN IF THE RESISTANCE ARMY NEEDS TO HORIZONTALLY DIG THROUGH SEVENTEEN MILES OF SOLID GRANITE.
YOU'LL ALWAYS GET THE BEDROOM WITH THE EXACT ACOUSTICS WHICH CAN PIPE THE SOUNDS FROM THE TORTURE CHAMBERS AT THE FURTHEST PART OF THE CASTLE DIRECTLY INTO YOUR LEFT EAR, BUT WHEN THE SIDEKICK SNEAKING INTO THE OTHER ROOM TO SEARCH FOR THE SECRET PLANS ACCIDENTALLY PULLS OVER THE TWELVE-FOOT FILING CABINET, THAT THUNDEROUS CRASH SOMEHOW BECOMES QUIETER THAN A MOUSE'S FART.
NO AIR CONDITIONING IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER, STUCK NEXT TO THE LIZARD-RAT STABLES, AND WITH LICE BIGGER THAN YOUR HEAD - FINE, YOU CAN LIVE WITH THAT, BUT NOT HOW YOUR FELLOW GUARDS STOMP THROUGH THE BARRACKS BATHING FACILITIES WITH BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT DRIPPING FROM THEIR JACKBOOTS. TWO WORDS OF ADVICE, DUDES: SHOWER CLOGS!
YOU WERE SERVING ON THE DEATH GLOBE, THE MOST DANGEROUS SPACESHIP OF THE GALAXY-CONQUEROR. MILES OF ARMOR AND FORCE FIELDS, ABLE TO BURN ENTIRE WORLDS LIKE MATCHSTICKS WITH YOUR ULTRA-HUGE MAIN ANTIMATTER WEAPON, YET, ONE DINKY POPGUN FIRED FROM THE OTHER END OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM BY THE REBELS GOT THROUGH EVERYTHING WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST TROUBLE TO EXPLODE YOUR BOTTLE OF EXPENSIVE RIGELLIAN RUM HIDDEN AT THE BACK OF YOUR CLOSET. WHICH IN TURN SET OFF THE CHAIN REACTION WHICH BLEW UP THE WHOLE DAMN VESSEL. NO WONDER YOU DESERTED.
YOUR NEW ROOMMATE - THE LATEST RECRUIT INTO THE LEGION OF DOOM - NATURALLY TURNED OUT TO BE THE HERO IN DISGUISE AS PART OF HIS TRIUMPHANT MASTER PLAN. NOT ONLY WILL YOUR BUDDIES NEVER BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS, THERE'S ALSO THE FACT THAT LAST NIGHT YOU THREW YOUR PILLOW AT HIS HEAD FOR SNORING TOO LOUDLY.