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Chapter 8
nameless
The next morning, our flock collected at our gathering place to discuss assignments.
Killed the Sea Serpent woke me up first with a gentle nudge, and then with a sharp cuff over the ear when I merely buried my nose into my paws. Because I spent so much time in the Under, I only occasionally joined these gatherings...and I was not used to having to wake up early.
We descended in drowsy spirals around the lavender pillar. I struggled to keep my eyes open, sight-sounding as we went so that I wouldn't fly into something.
I hadn't slept under such a comforting cloak of warmth since I was a swimling, curled up against my clutchmates and our caretakers. It cast an uncomfortable light onto what I had once called the soothing touch of the Under's cold. Was that bitter chill truly as welcoming as I had always imagined? Or was it simply the only place I could take refuge in?
I landed with a light splash on the shore of the lake. The willow leaves brushed against each other with the wind of dragons flying about, a soft whistling-song of the morning. I blinked against the golden sunlight, trying to adjust my eyes to the sting of it. It was not as bad as yesterday, but still dazzling.
"Hello."
I jolted and swiveled to my right, where another dragon had approached. With sight-sounds and scent, I recognized her and lowered my head and wings. "Hello, Fought the Leader."
"Are you feeling well?" she walked around me in a circle, sniffing at my injuries, her exhalations a ghost across my scales.
I opened my mouth to lie, but then paused, brows lifted. I actually did feel better. "Yes?"
She grunted in approval and sat down next to me. I tapped my paws in anxiety, wanting to slink away, held in place by the knowledge that it would be terribly impolite. She was one of the few dragons who had been kind to me in the past few days; if she wanted to stand next to me, even though I could not comprehend why, then she had every right to.
For some time, neither of us said anything. Our flockmates descended around us. The majority, I noticed, gave us a wide berth.
"I'm sorry."
I swung towards her, mouth falling open. "W-what?"
She was just close enough for me to see the drooping of her ears and side-frills, the downcast slanting of her eyes. "I told you to go Above. That very day, you were attacked by a dragon who thought you a curse. Had I not spoken, you would have stayed Under."
"And for how long would she have stayed Under?" a new voice interrupted: Killed the Sea Serpent. She had approached while Fought the Leader spoke, silent as a phantom.
Knowing no other way to respond to her strange apology and our leader's agreement with it, I hunched submissively, eyes downcast. "I don't blame you," I whispered to Fought the Leader.
"Of course you shouldn't," Killed the Sea Serpent said. "It is that fool's fault alone. But," she stepped so close to me that I could feel warmth radiating off her scales and lifted her voice so that everyone could hear, "I am glad that now you are Above, with the rest of our flock."
There was some incredulous muttering, but most of our flock was wise enough to keep their thoughts to themselves.
"Now, let's take our responsibilities."
The word caretaker came to my tongue, and I swallowed it, the taste of it now bitter. Caretakers worked Under.
"Hunter!" one dragon called, and many padded over to him. I would do well with that if I could swim in the ocean. My sight-sounds were especially refined; I knew I could catch a lot for everyone. But that walked the line between Above and Under too closely, and I didn't want to risk angering Killed the Sea Serpent after all of the kindness she had given me.
"Sporer!" another cried, with the same result. I snorted. That was the one job I would never do.
"Caretaker!" someone else called. I looked away.
"Teacher!" came another voice. I perked up a little. Teachers taught fledglings after they had graduated from being swimlings. By virtue of being fledglings, they stayed Above. But because fledglings ascended through the Above slowly, just like swimlings did as they learned to swim, sight-sound, and hunt underwater, that meant spending much more time around sting-smell mushrooms.
With a nod at me, Fought the Leader got up and walked towards today's group of teachers. I rose and hesitated, tapping my paws and twitching my tail. Would it be a good choice? Would I eventually get used to the mushrooms, like I always hoped I would, or would I fall asleep wracked with headaches and zinging pain down my spine and limbs once again?
Either way, I ended up without a choice.
Killed the Sea Serpent stepped right next to me. "Patroller!" she announced.
I balked. Patrol responsibility?!
Our flock lived close enough to one of the jagged sides of the Shell that we could fly over it. Because of that, we took on patrol responsibility, defending the edge of our territory from Outsiders. Deeper into the Shell, so far that a dragon couldn't see the Shell's edges or hear the ocean even if they flew up very high, the responsibility was replaced by scouters. Our flock used to have scouters to protect our territory's inner edge, but we usually didn't have anyone encroaching on our long-established borders. It was rare to have someone choose such a responsibility.
Several dragons splashed over, eager to help our leader in such an exciting job. The nameless male was one of them. I stared at my feet, pretending not to notice how hard he tried to catch my eye.
Killed the Sea Serpent grunted in approval. "A good group," she said. "Let's be off!" She launched up, up, up, dissolving into the great blue of the sky.
We leapt after her, our wings casting billowing winds onto the willow trees below. The Shell dropped with dizzying speed below, becoming nothing more than a wash of luminescence, fog, and greenery. My chest tightened. The sky was a vast emptiness, with nothing to sight-sound against.
The dragons ahead of me were washed-out gray blurs with the occasional flash of color reflecting off of their necks. They melted away, the skylight shifting their scales slate-blue and hidden from my poor eyesight. I could follow the sounds of their wingbeats and the scent of our flock, but what if it became too windy to hear or smell? What if I tried to sight sound in the endless blue and nothing returned to me?
With my heart in my throat, I pushed forward until I was just behind a dragon in our flock, close enough to feel the turbulence that their wide wings spun into the air. By their scent, I identified them—him as the nameless male. That alone made me cast my ears and nose about, searching for another dragon to follow instead. But though I could hear and smell them, all of the sounds and scents mingled with the sky-winds, and I was too afraid to branch off chasing a trail that would fade away, leaving me alone in the nothingness.
Somewhere up ahead, Killed the Sea Serpent shouted, "Raced the Auroras, you take a group to the north. Struck By Lightning, you do the same to the south. I will take the nameless east."
Both dragons cried out in affirmation. The air whistled off of their wings as they tucked them and swooped away.
Up ahead, a dark gray blur apparated like a heat-wave mirage. Then the form of our leader materialized above us, the sun catching her neck scales in brilliant magenta hues.
"Now," she said, "Let's see about getting you two some names."
o.O.o
I swayed and dipped with the sky-winds, my heart racing in my chest. Easing into them, I cast my sight-sounds out. Very, very few returned to me, bouncing off of the sunset-bathed clouds in a fuzzy blur.
There.
Something small and solid zipped in the cloud of awareness around me. I snapped my head around, locked onto it, and tucked my wings, sight-sounding rapidly. The creature came into focus—a bird with enormous wings, flapping wildly to avoid me. It tucked away, trying to fool me into a dive so that it could snap its wings open and split away at the last second.
I played into its game, my sight-sounds a stream of excitement and hunger. The sea-bird curled its body and wings, catching a stray wind that would spiral it to safety. I braced my wings against air gone solid, flung my tail opposite the wind, and twisted so tight that my vision spun with black spots.
I did not rely on my eyes. My sight-sounds worked perfectly well among the chaos of a good chase.
The slap of the air fighting my chaotic lunge, a shriek, and I snatched the bird in my teeth and shook it, hoping to kill it quickly. While I enjoyed the flavor, I always felt a little sad hunting birds. Unlike fish, they cried out in fear and pain.
I knew what it felt like to be hunted.
The bird died with a thin-twig-snap of its neck. Immediately afterwards came the rustle of wings to my left. A gray dragon with vibrant orange neck scales, the same color as the sunset spilling through the sky around us, pulled up beside me.
The nameless male.
I shifted a little away.
"That was amazing!" he whooped. "I would have lost it for sure!"
"Fankf 'oo," I garbled around the bird, looking away. Still, I couldn't keep a smile from my lips, nor could I keep my body from swaying back and forth with pride and happiness. It had been a good catch, hadn't it? And he sounded so proud…
No. I had gotten him hurt. I couldn't let him get close to me.
Name or not, the other dragons knew that I was cursed.
A high whistle and gust of wings announced Killed the Sea Serpent's arrival. "Good hunting!" she said.
I hunched my shoulders, ears drawing back. Having the nameless male congratulate me was one thing, but our flock leader? I didn't deserve it. What was I supposed to do?
Eventually, I managed to wrangle my frantic thoughts into a proper response. "'Oo ou ant omfe?" I asked them.
"Only if you want to share after working so hard for it!" Killed the Sea Serpent chuckled.
The nameless male piped up in agreement. They each took turns, one coming over and tearing a piece off, followed by the other. It was messy and awkward. Still, as I crunched around my portion and swallowed it, running my tongue over my teeth, I couldn't hold down a little ember of contentment building in my heart. I tried to stifle it, scolding it Under, but to no avail.
We flew together for some time. It was strange, being in a flock. The nameless male and our leader flanked me, as if I was the important one. I was so used to skirting on the outside that I had to fight not to pull back so that I was behind them.
"Well," Killed the Sea Serpent said after some time, "I think that's enough for today. Let's go home." She lifted away and let out a piercing call. It speared through the air, and in the far distance, I heard the acknowledgments of our flockmates carried on the wind.
We swiveled back towards our home, the sheer mass of the Shell filling the horizon. The pink and orange of the sunset caught in the crystals and shimmered like a star calling us home. The others joined us, taking up position around us and sending huge drafts of wind all through the air. I pushed my wings harder, swinging my tail and pitching my tailfins up and down to keep myself flying straight. Again, the urge to drop and fall away came over me.
But I didn't go back.
We swooped into our little clearing with the crystal lake and willows. There were some of our flock lounging around, and they perked up and called greetings to us as we returned. Some of them had decided to do patrols for the night. Why, I couldn't even imagine—but after a quick greeting, they flew off to guard our territory.
The rest of the dragons were hunters. They gathered in front of Killed the Sea Serpent and released their catches from their crops. Several dragons had hunted all day today; the pile was more food than I had smelled in a very long time. My stomach turned and twisted with the scent of fish so close.
"Very good hunting," our leader said. "Thank you all."
She and the other named dragons began to eat. I stood a distance away, head lowered, tail swaying in the water of the lake.
The nameless male sidled up beside me. "They won't eat all of it, will they?" he whispered to me.
I shrugged. Usually, they didn't. Luckily, we didn't have to wait too long; we had been out patrolling for a long time, so most other dragons who were fed by hunters—such as the teachers, caretakers, and sporers—had already returned and gotten their fill.
All this meant that our group of late patrollers was the last to be fed. When the named dragons broke away, the nameless male sprang to his feet and sprinted over to the much-smaller pile of fish. I got to my feet and stepped over, keeping my head low, tail dragging along the ground.
Hunted a Whale was one of the last named to eat. He shrugged past me, jostling me so that I stumbled and snapped my wings out to keep my balance. He leered down at me through the corner of his eye and snorted derisively. "Were you helpful during patrol?"
"I-I…" I stammered, flicking my eyes up to meet his. "Nothing happened."
"I suppose that's a blessing," he mused with false courtesy.
A shadow passed over him.
Killed the Sea Serpent was suddenly there, looming over his shoulder. "And would you care to explain what that is supposed to mean?" she hissed.
He dropped low with a high whine, as if she'd struck him. My heart froze in my chest.
"Nothing," he whimpered.
"Exactly," she seethed. "Go."
He needed no further permission. Without even risking one last jab at me, he slunk away, his head lowered and eyes focused on the ground.
"Ignore him," Killed the Sea Serpent said, her voice gentle and kind and so very different from how she'd sounded a moment before, from how anyone ever spoke to me. "That kind of thinking is going to end soon, if I have any say in it."
I grimaced. I didn't want this. I didn't want dragons fighting because of me.
The nameless male had stopped eating, ears pinned tight against his head and tailtip thumping on the ground. I crept up beside him, avoiding looking in his eyes, and took a small share of fish. When I was done, I backed up and turned away, slinking off into the tall blue-green grass.
"Hold on—there's still a few more things to talk about," our leader called out to me.
I stopped, head low, and slowly turned back around.
"I must admit, I was hoping for...a better day," Killed the Sea Serpent said, stepping over to the nameless male and me. "Patrol responsibility is usually uneventful, like today. But," her voice brightened, "when something does happen...well, that's the fastest way to earn a name."
"I appreciate the effort," I said, keeping my head trained on her paws before me, so close that I could touch her if I wanted to.
She sighed. A tongue ran over my head, like I was a swimling being groomed by a caretaker. I blinked several times, too awed by the simple gesture of comfort to do any more than stare at her.
Her smile was sad. "We will find something," she said.
"Can we go further out?" the nameless male asked excitedly.
She snorted. "Of course not! Why would we go looking for trouble?"
I grimaced. Though she hadn't meant it, I could easily finish the thought: I caused enough as it is.
The nameless male huffed in disappointment. "I want to do something exciting. How long does it take for a dragon on patrol responsibility to get their name?"
"Earn a name," Killed the Sea Serpent corrected sternly. "And you earn a name by doing something noteworthy, or by doing something good for the flock." She let out another sigh. "But, to answer your question...it depends on factors outside our control. We cannot predict when Outsiders will try to break into the Shell."
"Or sea serpents," the nameless male grumbled.
A wry smile cut across her muzzle, accentuating the many scars she had accumulated over the seasons. "I would hope not for a long time." She stood up and shook herself off. "I will think on it tonight in my nest. You may go rest, or dream about fighting Outsiders, if that is what you wish," she teased the nameless male. To me, she said, "You may come with me."
Once again I was struck speechless. She...wanted me to come with her?
She had phrased it in such a way that I could refuse. It would be easy to lower my head and whisper no, thank you. And then I would turn around, and then I would creep into the nearest cave Above that I could find. There would be barely any light nor warmth, with no company, no sounds but the running water and pittering of droplets on stones. The only smells of moss and salt and fish.
Dragons fought because of me. Conflict followed me into the Above. I should go Under, where the only dragon harmed by my presence was myself. It would be selfish to keep up this facade of normalcy, like I wasn't the cursed dragon in the Shell, like I hadn't come out from Under on the day that the sun and moon had dissolved into nothing.
A dragon nudged my forehead with their nose. I yelped and snapped out of my thoughts, realizing too late that I had sunken down into a submissive posture, my head so bent that my nose nearly touched the ground.
"It's okay," Killed the Sea Serpent murmured. "Come along." She gazed into my eyes for a moment, some unknown emotion flickering in their amber depths. Then she leapt into the air and hovered to wait for me.
I took in a shuddering breath, guilt heavy in my heart like a stone sinking into black water.
And I chose to be selfish.
I followed our leader up to her nest, where it was warm and bright and where I could pretend, if only for a little while, that I was wanted.
o.O.o
The next morning, our flock gathered for assigning responsibilities. I hadn't even had a second to think about what I might choose before Killed the Sea Serpent stepped up to my side and announced, "Hunters!"
So hunting responsibility it was, then.
Our group set out with those on patrol responsibility, but this time, we did go a little farther out. Our group consisted of Killed the Sea Serpent, the nameless male, several named dragons, and me. We fanned out behind our leader, flying only a small distance above the ocean. Everyone was looking for fish—except me, of course. I sight-sounded deep into the waves, casting out for the familiar flitting-heartbeat reverberation of prey.
After what felt like ages, Raced the Auroras shouted, "I see them!"
There was little warning before she tucked in her wings and plummeted straight for the water. Eager to finally do something, I did the same.
The embrace of the ocean water was much colder than I remembered.
I ignored the shock of it, sight-sounding as soon as I was below the waves. Fish darted wildy about as more and more dragons charged into their domain. Paddling my tail and keeping my wings tucked in close, I shot around them in a wide circle, cutting off their escape. Several other dragons sight-sounded in the water, muddying my perception—but they did help me locate them. I corralled the fish tighter and tighter against my nestmates. We were closing in on them with dragons on all sides, packing them into a ball.
Most importantly, we guided them up towards the surface.
Opportunistic sea-birds plunged into the water as well. My heart raced with excitement. That was even better.
Soon there were dozens of birds and the fish were so frantic to escape that they began to leap out of the water. I shook with anticipation, keeping tight guard of my section of our trap. I knew this was how our flock hunted, but I had never truly been allowed to join in on these group hunts. It was...it was…
Was fun the word? It didn't seem to fit. Because here, below the water, we were all the same. Dragons couldn't speak. They couldn't judge each other by their name or appearance. We were simply together.
Belonging, I realized with a pang in my heart. That was what lifted my spirits so.
A muffled shriek sounded above, followed by the characteristic whistle of our kind. I waited until those who could see above twisted away and zipped below. I followed at once, but the excitement I felt had taken on a nostalgic quality.
Why did I feel this way? Should I?
There was a flash of light above followed by an enormous boom. Waves of sound crashed into me, completely overwhelming my senses. I closed my eyes and pinned my ears and side-frills, waiting the reverberations out.
When they had faded, I squinted my eyes open and sight-sounded above.
All of the fish and sea-birds floated still and silent. Dead.
The dragon who had been the one to fire the shot plunked into the water and immediately began snapping up the kill. The others and I wasted no time, rushing to meet them. We feasted, eating our fill and swallowing more than enough for our crops. We had found a huge flock of fish, even bigger than usual.
One of the last sea-birds drifted nearby. I twisted in the water, sight-sounding lazily. This time I didn't feel nearly as bad about eating it, and at least its death had been quick and unexpected—
A dragon barreled right into me. Hard.
I yelped, sucking in a small amount of water. It was enough to send my heart thundering, my chest heaving, my lungs burning. Fighting off the urge to cough and suck in even more water, I scrambled to the surface. Breaking above the waves, I spluttered and wheezed, my nose stinging with the salt, a deep ache clenching around my heart.
A commotion below—a wing knocking against my leg—and two dragons emerged.
"Apologize," Killed the Sea Serpent snarled.
I nearly fled back below the water, eyes wide and ears pinned. "I-I'm sorry," I whispered.
She turned towards me, a flash of magenta, gold, and blue-grey. "Great Prebirth, not you!" she gasped. Then she twisted to the dragon that, I now realized, she had forcibly surfaced. "Do I need to grab you by your scruff and take you over to her?" she snapped.
Another dragon suddenly popped to the surface next to me. I flinched away.
"Sorry!" the nameless male whispered. "Are you okay? I saw what happened."
The named dragon being punished snorted. A whiff of their scent made its way over to me: Tended the Mushrooms. "We were going for the same bird! It wasn't anything serious."
The nameless male scoffed loudly. I shrunk away from him.
"Don't get involved!" I hissed to him. Meeting his concerned eyes, I begged, "Please."
Killed the Sea Serpent paused, as if waiting to see if the nameless male or I would say anything else. She rounded on Tended the Mushrooms. "Do you think I'm blind?" she said. "Do you think I didn't see how you came from the opposite direction and then went around so that you could rush her? Do you think I didn't notice how you moved out of the way of her sight-sounds, so she couldn't know that you were there?"
As she spoke, Tended the Mushrooms' ears and frills lowered. He averted his eyes.
All of us paddled there, the waves crashing against us.
"Well?" the nameless male growled.
I gaped at the fool, eyes wide, but Killed the Sea Serpent did not scold him for his disrespect. She only watched Tended the Mushrooms, golden eyes narrowed.
"I'm sorry," he muttered.
All-too-familiar dread clasped me in its cold claws. If only I could dive and swim away. If only our leader wasn't so kind. If only the nameless male didn't try to defend me. Why did he defend me?
How foolish was I to feel as though I belonged, when even our flock's leader demanding it wasn't enough?
"I forgive you," I whispered, my voice and heart as hollow as his apology.
o.O.o
And yet, that night, I chose the selfish thing again.
Settling down into the warm moss of Killed the Sea Serpent's nest, I tried to convince myself that there was hope. That it wouldn't be so bad for me to take refuge here. That one day, I could feel safe and comfortable among our own.
But how could I even humor the idea, when even the thought of tolerating me caused dragons to fight? How long would our flockmates allow Killed the Sea Serpent to punish them over their behavior towards me before they made real challenges against her?
Or, worse—against me?
Killed the Sea Serpent alighted onto the lip of her nest and shook herself off. "Don't worry," she said, padding inside and lying down next to me as though that was the most natural thing to do. "I know you don't like the fighting. But it will wear down with time."
"How do you know?" I asked. I held my resolve to stay distant for scarcely a few seconds. Then, unable to help myself, unable to turn my back on comfort and warmth freely given, I scooted closer to her.
Stupid, selfish thing, I told myself. Playing along like this will only make it hurt more when it all falls apart.
She looked into my eyes and brought her wing over my body. "I know what it feels like to see no joy in life," she said softly. "I know the feeling that drove you Under, where no dragon can hurt you again. But, please," she used her tailtip to tilt my chin up, forcing me to meet her gaze, "don't give up."
I swallowed thickly. "I'll try," I said, my voice heavy. "But…" I looked down. "I don't know how."
She licked my forehead. I closed my eyes and leaned into her like a little swimling.
"Tomorrow will be better," she said. "I promise."