Hello, everyone!

Long time no see. I apologize for the delay—life and burnout happens. I have written, deleted, and re-written so many sections that they could be their own separate fic. Because of that, I likely will update much more sporadically, or not at all until I finish this entire thing. I've got a ways to go, though.

I'd like to thank Marce7411, StopMeorIWon't, dragonrider101, Dragontrainer23, HaveAReview, Skenjin, Lightbrightfury, NomexGlove, TrickedPast, Viperclaw14, VigoGrimborne, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, JustAnotherRandomPoster, MysteryWriter175, Checkingdude, Silverleone, and picothea for your wonderful views and for your patience! I'm so glad you all enjoyed last chapter. :)

Additionally, I'd like to thank all of my betas: Samateus, Dys, LapisSea, Crysist, R-S, Kwizjunior, Antiscept, Crusader-Dragon, and Zeklyn!

I hope you all enjoy, and have a wonderful day!

Chapter 17

Hiccup

Toothless slept through the rest of the storm as soundly as a nestling. I worried over the slice drawn across his side, but the one benefit of the storm was that all that rain had pretty thoroughly cleaned it.

I tried to stay alert, staring out into the storm. Dad and Haugaeldr were out there. I hoped they weren't looking for us. I hoped the sea-dragon kept them safe. I hope they weren't as worried about us as I was worried about them.

As thunder rumbled and the solid wall of rain slowed to a heavy downpour—an improvement—I pressed up against Toothless and laid my head back. I could rest my eyes...for a second…

Lightning flashed. The ship below lurched, making my stomach flip and nausea clench my throat. I crouched low, digging claws—fingers—claws into the wood, cowering within the cage.

A man—Dad—Drago—a shadow—a stranger—flitted at the edges of the cage. A sword glowed in their palm, darting between the bars, searing into my chest, my heart, my soul. The warmth at the center of my forehead, the sun that was my magic, faded with each strike. I howled and writhed, but my wings, once there, had dissolved to nothing. Plasma glowed in my throat but faded to nothing before I could fire. Chains tied my paws—hands—paws—down.

"Submit!" it roared. "Submit! Submit!"

I flailed in the choking shadows, lashing my claws out desperately, the chains thrashing—

I hit something warm and solid. My eyes snapped open and filled with green.

"Hiccup?" Toothless murmured.

I rolled my eyes wildly, struggling to focus on something, anything. The shadows slithered from the edges of my vision. The echoing voice faded into a distant rumble of the retreating storm.

Heaving for breath that would not come, I sat upright and wiped some of the cold sweat from my forehead with a shaking hand.

"Another nightmare," I croaked, my voice scarcely above a whisper.

Toothless curled close to me, thrumming. "It is fine," he soothed. "I'm here. We made it. They're gone."

I leaned into him, but my eyes remained unfocused. My heart's wild panic overtook all other sounds. It was like something had snapped up my thoughts in its teeth and shook them about. The shadows still lurked in my mind's eye.

With a brief bout of panic, I straightened up and lunged for the warmth of my magic.

It was there—thank the Dragon of the Sun, it was there. It wasn't gone. It hadn't faded.

"—some water," Toothless was saying.

I unclenched my hand from my chest—when had I done that?—and closed my eyes. My breaths were still short, like I'd inhaled water and couldn't bring it back up. I forced myself to take in a deep, deep breath through my nose.

It is fine.

I held my breath and counted the seconds.

It is fine.

I exhaled slowly.

It is fine, it is fine, it is fine.

When I opened my eyes, Toothless turned from ruffling through the saddlebags strapped to himself and presented me with a small, clay cup. We had made them ourselves along the journey, using some sturdy clay and a healthy dose of dragon-fire.

"Wa'er," he said again, his overtone more urgent.

I cracked a small smile. Toothless always found something for me to do after these...moments. I grabbed the cup, but couldn't help but stare at my hands for a moment. Toothless noticed, of course, and pressed his head up against mine.

"Want to talk?" he asked softly.

I forced in another deep breath, in and out. The thump thump thump of my heart faded away, but I could still feel its frantic flutter, fighting to escape my chest.

Next was the legs. I tried to get up, and the jittery, tingly wobbling of my feet immediately set me down. I grunted, grabbing onto Toothless. With his help, I grit my teeth and, leaning on him, rose to my feet.

We walked the short distance to the waterfall. Toothless practically held my shirt in his teeth as I reached out with the cup and collected some freshwater. I was still trembling so much that it took several humiliating seconds longer than it should have.

I took a sip of it—freezing, mildly dirt-flavored—and felt the chill crawl down my throat and into my gut. "Thank you, Toothless," I finally said. "It was...just the same. Like always."

We both settled down again. I curled up against his side, and he twisted around and laid his head on his paws so that he could look at me.

"You were able to calm yourself much faster this time," he said, voice still soft. "That's good, right?"

"I wish I didn't have to calm myself at all," I said, unable to keep the bite out of my tone. I sighed and rubbed my sore eyes. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, stupid," he teased, giving me a playful lick on the head.

I pulled a disgusted face, trying to grab the globs of disgusting, half-solid dragon saliva out of my hair before they dried. Toothless chuckled.

"But...Toothless…" I began. "You were wrong about one thing."

He flattened his eyes and ears. "No, I wasn't."

"You were," I sighed. "The dragon hunters...they're not gone."

"We've certainly cleaned the world of some of them," he said.

"But they're still out here, trapping dragons...It's like everything we worked for back then was for nothing. I wish they would just...just...go away!"

"Do you think that will stop the nightmares?" Toothless asked quietly.

I stared at my fingers. "No," I admitted reluctantly.

"I have noticed that talking about them...and now, seeing them...makes these happen more," Toothless said. He pushed his cheek against mine. "I can't tell you they'll go away. I know you hate it when dragons and humans tell you it takes time, because it has been so long. I won't promise you that, either. But what I will vow to you, Hiccup, is that I will always be here to bear through it with you."

I tried to give him a grateful purr, but my chest clenched painfully around it, choking it. "I…" I began, clawing at my thoughts. One came close, and I snatched it up. "I still...Dad was still there…"

Toothless looked into me, eyes swimming with sorrow. "He usually is."

"Yeah." I looked down into my empty cup, tracing the uneven rim with my fingers. In my mind's eye, I did the same with the light and warmth of my magic, stalking its perimeter, worrying over it, guarding it.

"Have you spoken to him about these nightmares?" Toothless asked.

I shook my head. Throughout our journey, most nights had been accompanied by an exhausted plop to the ground and a heavy, not-quite-restful sleep. I hadn't had any dreams for a long time.

"What good would it do?" I asked. "He would just feel guilty. I feel guilty, and, and angry at myself. We've already gone through that. It's not fair that I'm still holding this over him. He's apologized, and made up for it in so many ways, and..." I scrubbed at my hair. "It's just so messed up."

"It's not your fault," Toothless said. "It's a scar. You can still feel its effects, like any old wound." He nudged me. "I think he would want to help you if he knew he could. I won't pressure you, but…" my brother looked down at his paws, wings fluttering. "I've noticed that the King is...sad, lately. I think...some things have gone unsaid for so long, it seems impossible to bring it up now."

"Like how Dad wishes I would stay human," I murmured. "Snotlout, too."

"Yes," Toothless said, just as quietly.

We sat quietly as the thought settled around us. The dapple of rain pattered outside.

"The King is happy for you," Toothless finally said. "That is as true as the sun. But I think both of you would find something in just...talking."

I let out a small groan. "We're bad at 'just talking'."

"It seems to run in the family," Toothless said flatly.

I snorted. "Yeah. I...I...gods." I shrugged. "I've always known...obviously. But I kinda thought we could ignore it, or move past it somehow. Because that always works."

Toothless prodded me with a paw. "Talk good, remember?"

"Yes," I said with a small smile. I looked out at the waterfall, which glimmered in the faded daylight. "I remember."

o.O.o

Although the four of us had no intentions of separating during our journey, we had planned for it. Just in case.

Toothless and I burst through the waterfall, shook off the clinging droplets, and swept above the mountain. My eyes met a completely different landscape than I had expected. Last night, everything had been reduced to shades of gray, shifting shadows swaying and rustling beneath a black curtain of rain.

I had expected stony grays, neutral browns, and pine greens. Instead, the mountains and valleys glimmered in dazzling colors.

The waterfall dropped into a cyan-green river that weaved through a valley and curved behind another set of mountains. Every stone was coated in a carpet of colorful, squat, thick-leaved plants. They were green, blue, gray, even pink and orange, with hard-skinned leaves. Some leaves seemed more like petals, swirling around the plant's core like a rose. Others stuck out like miniature trees. Even more bristled into sharp points. Some even dangled off the side of the mountain, like dozens of beads on a string.

The trees below were not the coniferous variety that I had expected. Oblong, bushy trees with emerald, glossy, oval-shaped leaves and enormous, pale flowers bustled below. Rising above them like watchful guards were towering trees with silver bark spotted with smooth patches of gold and bronze. Their leaves were vivid gold, gleaming in the sunlight, and in their branches hung spiky balls that clung to their twigs on the thinnest stems. Clamoring for space among the undergrowth were bushes, ferns, and creeping vines, some sprouting the occasional flower. Between them all were enormous stones—some with the small, thick-leaved plants up on the mountain—that told of countless rockfalls from above. Any and all soil left unguarded was claimed by long, ruby-red grasses, which flowed in the wind like water.

The mountains themselves seemed to resemble a mouthful of gnarly fangs. Here, they were all straight drops and jagged peaks, making the mountains of Berk seem like an easy midday hike. They even looked like a maw, moving along lines in rows and leaving enormous valleys between. Every tree that perched precariously on those steep rocks seemed only to do it by some miracle. The smaller plants had a much easier go at it, creeping like moss over every sun-exposed surface.

The wind carried with it the taste of sea-salt, but also an earthy, green smell. In the sun, it was about as warm as a summer on Berk—even though fall was racing into winter. We passed through a mountain's shadow, and the sudden plummet of temperature sent goose-bumps racing across my skin. Just as quickly, we emerged into the light. Toothless settled us down on the mountain peak, just barely wide enough for him to stand on.

"I've never seen anything like this," I said, rubbing my arms and scanning the strange landscape.

Toothless was frozen beneath me.

"I have."

I went stiff, gaping at him. He flicked his eyes back and forth.

"I...I have!" Toothless actually leapt in the air with joy, bucking about in a circle. "I've seen this place! When I was young! I saw it!"

"Woah-oah-oah!" I laughed, swaying back and forth, just barely holding on. "Toothless, I'm gonna fall off the mountain!"

"I know this place! I know—oh!"

My stomach went upside-down. I spiraled right off the precipice.

I twisted until "up" and "down" actually made sense. Then I snapped open my wings, pressed the button for the fin and tail-fins to pop open, and pulled up. The mountain-winds threatened to pull my arms right out of their sockets. I grit my teeth and held my wings as wide as they could.

I must have earned the wind's respect, because it stopped trying to kill me. It swept me up obligingly, gusting me this way and that like I was a hawk riding heat currents. The shadow of the mountain snapped away, and then the peak was below me, Toothless standing with his wings open and ears straight up.

He grimaced, craning his neck to follow me. "I'm so sorry, Hiccup!"

Closing my eyes, I savored the flight a moment longer. I felt lighter, weightless. My magic at my forehead shone like a guiding star, reminding me that soon, soon, soon…

I shook myself off. We had more important things to focus on. Dipping my right wing, I swerved until I was directly above Toothless. Then I tucked my wings and dove for him.

He reared up on his hind legs, paws reaching out, and caught me. His heart hammered against mine as he carefully adjusted himself and set me down.

"Sorry," he said again, ears and head low.

"It's fine," I purred. Flying left me in too good of a mood; I couldn't even muster a little bit of annoyance. "Let's work on the markers. We can get a good look around today!"

"Right!" Toothless said. He pranced around me in a circle. "Hurry up! Hurry up!"

With a chuckle, I grabbed a stick and walked in a wide circle, dragging the stick in the dirt behind me. Toothless crept after me, letting a hot flame flow from his maw across the ground. When we had finished, a large, black circle stood stark against all of the vibrant plants.

I stood back and put my hands on my hips. "Alright, looks good—woah!"

Toothless snatched me up, threw me over his shoulder, and took off. He barely waited for me to right myself on his shoulders before he threw his tail down and took us straight up, the wind racing past and the earth's tug against us exhilarating and wild. I grinned, pressing close to Toothless' neck, urging him faster, faster!

He leveled out.

My smile dissolved.

With the smell of salt on the air, I had expected the ocean to be just over the next mountain range.

Even up here, I couldn't see it at all. Mountains, mountains, mountains faded into blue-purple forms in the distance, with a heavy cloak of mist rising up between them from countless waterfalls.

"Damn..." Toothless cursed, glancing around. "This...complicates things."

My mouth went dry. "We really got blown in far…" I said. "Gods, I hope Dad and Haugaeldr didn't try to fly after us."

The thought of Haugaeldr, a relatively inexperienced flyer, out in that storm—one even Toothless struggled against—and weighed down with Dad, the sand-box, and the saddlebags…

I gripped Toothless tighter. I thought that we were right next to the ocean. I thought that it had been a matter of the sea-dragon towing Dad and Haugaeldr to the coast and meeting up with them.

Just like that, as most good things for us were, the joy of Toothless' discovery needed to be pushed aside.

"The markers," Toothless said, voice low and solemn. "We should hurry."

We didn't take our time like we had with the first one. On every line of stony teeth, we found the tallest, flattest area and burned a circle into it. On each one, we left a gap in the circle in the direction towards the cave. That way, any of us flying far above could look down and easily adjust our course towards the "meeting spot".

We passed over enormous gulleys, raging rivers, swaying forests, rippling grasslands. Flocks of birds avoided us or bobbed in the lakes caught in the gaps between mountains. A pack of wolves howled in the distance. At one point, I even spotted an enormous feline-like creature, with silver fur and gray-blue spots. It blinked up at us and slunk away, melting into the rocks of its den before I could even squint at it.

We saw dragons, too. Little-Biter-sized dragons raced within the grasses, shrieking and diving into their burrows when we passed over. A slender dragon that was all tail spotted us and unfurled awe-inspiring wings, broad enough that each tip hovered over a different mountain. With just a tilt of their wings into the mountainous air currents, they zoomed away, disappearing on the horizon without even a single flap of their wings. The only dragons we came close to were a flare of two-legged dragons with color-changing crests. They weren't very interested in conversation, and squabbled at us to get out of their territory. When we asked if they had seen any other dragons, they courteously directed us away with gouts of fire.

We flew and flew, and my heart raced faster with every mountain range that gave way to yet more stone and forest. But we stubbornly followed the scent of the sea, setting markers with paranoid frequency. At this rate, we would have to spend several days doing this in all the directions from our cave.

I was anxiously mulling this over when Toothless suddenly lurched up into a straight ascent, taking us far, far above the clouds. The sun was beginning to set, painting them gold and rosy pink.

"Woah!" I said. "What are you doing?"

"I saw a nest!" Toothless said. "A human one." He stopped only once the clouds provided ample cover from below. "It's just over this ridge—I couldn't see it until we were nearly over it. I saw several paths leading out of it."

"Maybe to the ocean?" I wondered.

"Or other human nests," Toothless said. "Or both."

We stayed clear of the village, far above the clouds. Flying low enough to the mountains to land and then setting them on fire was sure to attract some attention.

The only problem was that more and more villages began sprouting out of the mountains. As the sun set and the mountains cast their valleys in thick shadow, more and more filled with specks of light. Houses gleamed like jewels. Bells attached to sheep and goats rung high and clear in the thin air. Boats floated along rivers, outfitted with gleaming lanterns.

We managed to sneak in three more markers, spaced far too far apart. These ones, we made to point towards each other, so that Haugaeldr could follow them out of the occupied lands and head towards the safety of the wildlands. Then, with the sun disappeared and the moon beginning its ascent, we settled down on a high ridge to rest.

My stomach roared. Toothless tried to cover his own with a fake coughing fit. We had some spare rations in the saddlebag, but they wouldn't last us for long.

"We can hunt tomorrow," Toothless reassured me. He nudged me. "Eat the rest. I'm fine."

"No," I said, flattening my eyes at him. "You eat your share, or I won't eat mine at all."

We glared at each other, although we both knew who would win. Toothless finally relented with a huge sigh, snapping up his dried meat in a single bite. I rifled through the saddlebags in some vain hope that there was some more food squirreled away. My hand brushed against something hard and cylindrical.

I pulled out the parchment holder I'd stolen off the ships. It felt like it had been days and days ago—not just last night.

"Oh!" Toothless said, sniffing it. He wrinkled his nose. "Smells like shadow-nest. We've been so busy trying to find the King and Haugaeldr that I forgot you got that."

I uncapped the holder and jostled several pieces of folded-up parchment out onto the ground. "Can you give me some light?"

Toothless opened his wings and curled them over us both, sheltering us from the cold and from sight. He opened his mouth and brought his purple-blue flame to his throat, casting the papers in an aurora-like glow.

I shuffled through the papers, frowning. From the start, the first paper was a note in a language I didn't recognize. I sighed and set it back in the carrier.

The next piece gave me hope, only for it to die away. It was a map detailing what I assumed were the fleet's trading routes, which mostly showed the edge of the coastline and all ocean. There was a mark of a sea serpent out near the sea-dragon's territory; they must have run into her at some point. Or, maybe they'd only heard tales of her; she was so ancient, I was sure plenty of legends found their roots with her.

"This is weird," I commented. I pointed to where the fleet's route seemed to turn at a sharp angle around the sea-dragon's territory and make westwards. "This route goes clear to the end of the map. They planned on leaving and just sailing out into the ocean."

"Is that unusual?" Toothless asked.

I pointed at the "end" of the route, which simply showed a scribble of a rabid dog. "This is a mark you see often on maps that means the lands beyond are unknown and dangerous. They didn't know where they were going."

"Sounds about as foolish as I'd expect from them," Toothless grunted. "Let's swim off into the open ocean, with a limited amount of food and fresh water, and hope we find something before we die. What could possibly go wrong?"

"They could meet a very sassy Shadow-Blender, for one," I teased. Toothless snorted a blast of hot air into my face. I puffed my cheeks out and blew a gust of much-colder air at his nose. He swatted me and then opened his mouth wide, sticking his disgusting tongue far out of his mouth. "Okay, okay, you win!" I laughed, scrambling backwards.

"And never forget it," he purred, putting his tongue away and settling back down. "What's this one?"

The next piece of paper was a drawing—one that made no sense. It looked like half of a cracked-open egg, but the artist had drawn steam coming up from it and several broken-off ridges inside it. The foreground of the picture was scratchy in what almost looked like water, but was probably some sort of bedding.

"An egg?" Toothless voiced my own thoughts.

"I have no idea," I hummed, flipping the paper over to see if anything was on the back. There wasn't. "Why draw an opened egg but no hatchling?"

"I hope they got away," Toothless growled.

We studied the drawing for some missing detail, but found none. I carefully curled it up and put it back.

The last piece of paper, the largest, was another map.

"Here we go," I whispered, flattening it out. Toothless leaned closer, frills and ears extended.

It was a map of the winding mountain range, from the coastline at its northern edge and what looked like an enormous grassland to its south. There were markers for villages, which appeared to be strung closer to the coastline along waterways. Scattered throughout all of the mountains were empty circles, usually over seemingly nothing. On the grassland front were marks in the same unknown language as before. A line was drawn from the ocean, to the bay, through the mountains and past several villages, and all the way out towards the grasslands. A very neat hand had painstakingly annotated all the markers with delicate, confident pen strokes. They had had so much to say that they had even written along the bottom corners of the map. Of course, none of it was in Norse, because that would make things easier.

I must have spent too much time studying it, because before long, Toothless bumped me with his nose. "Well?"

"It's good for one thing, at least," I said. I put my finger on a bustle of villages near the center of the mountain range, spaced out in a familiar alignment. "I'll bet we just passed over here. Which means…" I traced my finger back north, towards the ocean. Then I turned and pointed from where we were, although Toothless' wing blocked the view. "We can follow the roads this way to the ocean."

"We were already going to find the ocean," Toothless complained. "Does it say anything else?"

"Not that I can understand," I said, leering at the near-perfect handwriting.

I was expecting a dramatic groan, but Toothless merely laid his head down, his expression suddenly exhausted. "Of course."

I frowned. "Don't worry," I said, poking him playfully on the nose. "If these dragon trappers really are working with Grimmel, this could be a great lead. I want to know what these mean," I pointed at the seemingly-random circles in the mountains. "Maybe they're where the sightings were."

Toothless studied the map. His eyelids and frills lowered, but he said nothing.

"Hey," I crooned, "what's wrong?"

He flicked his eyes up to mine. "I recognize these lands, Hiccup...but none that I've seen today is familiar. I only know this place in passing, when I was flying north as a yearling."

From what I knew of his past, Toothless had only flown north after…

...after his mother died.

"How long did you stay around here?" I asked.

He shrugged the human way, a habit he'd picked up from me when he was upset about something but trying to act nonchalant. "It's hard to say. Everything passed in a blur, then. I was just trying to get away…" He frowned, lost in thought. "I know I sheltered in the forests and tried to hunt occasionally. But even young, it only took me a few days to cross the mountains."

"So we might have to go a little further south, once we find Dad and Haugaeldr," I said.

"But the sea-dragons said that she had seen some here. The sightings from that human 'Johann' were here." His voice rose in excitement, only to suddenly drop low. "Grimmel...is here."

Both of us chewed on that for a moment.

When he spoke, he sounded small, like a frightened hatchling.

"What if they're gone?" Toothless whispered. "What if I threw us into all of this for nothing?"

o.O.o

Saw Through Closed Eyes

I followed the ocean's currents, too exhausted to fight them.

A beautiful day was chased by an even more serene night. I spent as much time as I could below the water, casting furtive glances up at the heavenly icons. Going Outside had always felt safe when I belonged to the Shell.

Now I felt the false gods' eyes resting upon me and shuddered at the touch. If only I could sprout gills, if only there were deep tunnels Under to hide in…

My heart, my traitor, pounded in my chest. I felt its sinister warmth, glowing like a star captured in my body. I felt...something there, something I had either never noticed or never known to notice, and recoiled from it. That was where it had come from, this sickness inside me that had torn me from all that I loved. That was what made me no better than the monsters that had tried to strike us down from the sky.

I tried to push its presence from my thoughts, but it was not to be stifled. The more I turned away, the brighter and hotter it burned. I wanted to rake my claws into it, wrenching it out of me, but that would be the end of me and I had to survive.

Maybe...maybe I was cursed. Why else did I have this...this...magic within me? Like the nameless male had said, why else had I come out of my egg so wrong? Why else did I bring turmoil and despair everywhere I went, tearing flocks and hearts apart?

The realization tore the strength from my limbs. They were nearly numb with exhaustion, each movement a monument of willpower. I took more and more breaks by floating, stretching out my wings and tail and bobbing aimlessly on the waves. I even dozed a few times, only awakened when a wave crashed over my head and forced me to come up spluttering and choking.

It would be easier to fly. But the fake gods would know I was there, and that sinful burn within me seemed to flare at even the sight of them.

The moon had begun its slow crawl below the ocean when I finally saw something: a glacier, glowing like a crystal in the silver light, a vibrant mesh of turquoise, sea-green, and deep, deep blue.

I inched over to it, wincing, and floundered with my wings. I was able to generate just enough lift to sink my claws into an edge and pull myself onto it. Once my body was safely atop it, I sagged like I was made of liquid. My wings splayed out and my tail still hung limp in the water, drifting with the gargantuan movements of the glacier.

I wanted to cry, but I was just so tired.

Sleep descended, and I sunk into its merciful embrace.

o.O.o

Eyes upon me. The glacier rocking suddenly. The exposed feeling of my back and neck.

Someone was here.

I shot awake in a panic, gasping and whipping my head about. My sight-sounds guided me above, to a figure perching on the top of the glacier, the setting moon outlining their form in a ghastly aura.

I spun, diving for the safety of the ocean.

"Wait!"

The familiar voice made all my limbs lock up. I flapped my wings wildly, struggling to keep from tumbling into the frigid water. A set of teeth clamped on my scruff and pulled me back to safety.

I turned, teeth bared in an exhausted snarl—and smelled her. It was real and alive and just how I remembered.

I began to sob.

"Oh, Saw Through Closed Eyes," Killed the Sea Serpent croaked. She rushed forward and wrapped herself around me, tail holding me close, wings shielding me from the cold, head pressed atop mine.

"You're—you're—here," I said uselessly.

"Not for long," she murmured, tearing my hopes apart.

I said nothing, curling into her warmth, struggling to regain control of my breathing. It was only after I had calmed down and slumped against her that my former leader pulled her head back, ears drooping, and met my eyes.

"I couldn't let you leave without telling you the truth," she said. "Or what little I know of it."

I sniffled. "Why does it matter now?" I said softly.

"Because you deserve to know," she said. "Because you always have."

She was offering me answers. Before, I would have leapt to them, eager to know. Now, I only wanted to lie down next to her and fall asleep under her familiar warmth. But she had come here, risking her own status in the Shell. Swallowing my objections, I nodded.

She settled down, always keeping me within her embrace. For a long time, she stared thoughtfully out at the black Outside. Finally, she drew in a breath.

"Your mother was my clutchmate," Killed the Sea Serpent began. "Her name was Swam the Deepest. She earned it recklessly, nearly drowning herself Under, and brought back a deep-sea fish to prove how far she'd gone. She and I…" a grim smile crossed her lips, "...we were like a two-headed dragon, always together. My mate, Healed the Hatchling, was a season older, and his constant companion was Stopped the Fight. Your father. The four of us were nearly a flock of our own, sharing everything we did."

I watched, stupefied, as pain sliced through her eyes. "I never knew their names," I whispered. Familial bonds were less important as those between flockmates; it was why everyone curled around the eggs and raised swimlings and flightlings. All the flock was mother and father. I had never thought to wonder who had laid my egg. Who had abandoned it.

She shook her head. "No," she said. "None of the younger dragons know their names, because they were banished."

My blood ran cold.

"Your mother and father desperately wanted hatchlings. But the eggs never came. They spoke to storytellers and any dragons known for healing, but nobody could understand why. Both were strong, young, and healthy." Her sad smile returned. "Until, one day, Swam the Deepest knew she was with egg. All of us were ecstatic…"

She trailed off. I waited.

"But she fell ill," Killed the Sea Serpent sighed. "She nearly burned at the touch. All thoughts of eggs were abandoned, because we only wanted her to live. And, by some miracle, she did. She had just enough strength to swim to our laying-grounds Under, where there was already a clutch. She chose a smaller cavern and only had one egg: yours."

I frowned. "Just one egg?"

"Yes," Killed the Sea Serpent said. "We were surprised, too. Your egg was small and frail. Its shell was thin, but we could hear your heartbeat inside, and it did not smell dead. Swam the Deepest was recovering. We thought the scare was over. Then…" She swallowed. "Swam the Deepest knew you were precious. She only allowed herself and her mate to lie around your egg. And it was at one time, when they were switching responsibilities and turning your egg, that it cracked. Just the slightest nudge in the wrong direction...and that was it."

A sign of death, I now knew. Except, somehow, I was still here.

Killed the Sea Serpent's expression crumbled. "They were distraught. They refused to leave you, even as everyone tried to console them that you would not survive. After so many seasons of trying, and after almost losing Swam the Deepest, they could not bear the thought that you would die when they had finally found you. They bedded your small nest with enough moss and ferns to fill my own cavern. They lit coal-fires around you so that the Under misted from the warmth. They kept the crack facing upwards, so that it only leaked a little. Through it all, they encircled your egg, pressing their heads against each side, listening to your little heartbeat. Healed the Hatchling and I had to hunt for them, because they refused to leave you.

"But soon, the egg began to smell of infection, and the heartbeat faded to almost nothing."

I closed my eyes. Though I did not know these dragons, I could understand all too well the heartbreak they must have felt. To have worked so hard for something and only barely grasped it before it was ripped away. That, somehow, made the story real, instead of just another legend. That made it personal.

"Swam the Deepest blamed herself," she whispered. "She thought her illness was what made your egg so fragile. She went mad with guilt. She was inconsolable. And just before the last night that I saw her, she told me she would do anything, anything, to save you."

I looked up at her, startled. "The last night?" I whispered.

She nodded. "I had only just been leader of our flock for a few moons. Not even a season. I...shouldn't have, but I followed her. She ascended to the Above for the first time since your egg cracked and flew away as fast as she could. If I hadn't...I would have never seen…"

She sighed, shaking her head.

"But that doesn't matter. Your mother, somehow, knew where to go. She flew with purpose Outside, so fast that I knew she wasn't looking behind her. For half a day I tracked her, staying far above and behind her. We went west, further than I had ever gone before. For some time, I feared that she never intended to land—that she wanted to fly and fly until she gave out and fell.

"Then we came upon an island, even bigger than the Shell itself, covered in enormous teeth-like mountains. And there, she went into a cave. When she emerged, she was with an Outsider. One like our species, but all black scales, with no markings or colorful neck scales at all."

I blinked. "None at all?" Even I had faint markings, and my neck scales shone sky-blue in the right light. It was strange to think of such an empty-colored dragon.

"None," she confirmed. "The dragon was enormous and…sharper. Their kind would be the fastest of us all, but not the most agile." She scooted a little closer. "And both of them flew fast. It was all I could do to follow them back without being seen. I was so confused, and when the Shell came into sight, I was even angry—bringing an Outsider to our home! And then, just as I was about to dive on the Outsider before they breached the Shell, they...disappeared. One moment, I could see them, and the next, it looked as though Swam the Deepest was flying alone."

"Just like me," I whispered.

She grimaced. "I was too horror-struck then. I'd never seen magic before. I could only follow her as she dove Under, swimming slowly so that the Outsider could follow. She led them directly to our nesting grounds. An Outsider." Even now, she still shuddered with the memory. "They were so focused on you that I was able to poke my eyes out of the water and watch. Stopped the Fight wasn't surprised. They'd planned this. The Outsider went to your egg, holding plants in their mouth. They placed them over the crack in your shell, pressed their nose to the crack, and went very still. When they pulled away...the infection-smell was gone, and the crack looked more like a scar. They said that they had done all they could."

I swallowed. "They used magic on me."

"They did," she confirmed gravely. "And that was enough. I flew out into the cavern, roaring at them all. How could they bring an Outsider to the Shell, to the Under? How could they permit them to use magic in the only place in all the world that was safe from it?!" She took a deep breath, calming herself. "Swam the Deepest begged for me to understand. Stopped the Fight tried to calm us both down. The Outsider said nothing, averting their eyes. Tempers rose, and I tried to strike out at the Outsider—only for Stopped the Fight to shove me aside. He held me down while his mate and the Outsider escaped, but I managed to fight him off and give chase.

"When I emerged, Swam the Deepest was flying into the sky. She looked alone, but I knew it was just the Outsider using their magic. I chased after them, found the Outsider's scent, and used my sight-sounds to throw myself right at them. They lost their magic's hold, and I screamed for our flock to fight the Outsider off.

"Our flock was smaller then, even less than it is now. But even swarming the Outsider was too difficult. They flew too fast and their flame was too hot to be natural. It was unnatural. It was terrifying. One dragon, using magic, outmaneuvering our whole flock. More than one of our flockmates died after being struck. And then, once they reached enough distance away...they disappeared again, for the last time. Leaving me to face Swam the Deepest and Stopped the Fight, my closest friends, who had brought an Outsider to do magic in our most sacred place. The dragons responsible for the deaths of our flockmates.

"I wanted to look the other way. I tried to. I couldn't bear losing anyone else. But our flockmates had seen Swam the Deepest supposedly flying alone before the fight. I tried to lie and say that the Outsider had appeared from nowhere, but Swam The Deepest interrupted me. She confessed, right there, in front of everyone, even as I tried to silence her in every way I could. 'I did what I could to save my only hatchling', she'd proudly said. 'I nearly died for them once, and I will do it again, if only they can live. If I do anything less, then I have failed them.' She even tried to convince us that the Outsiders were not evil, that the one who had just 'saved' you had known they were risking their life for a stranger and had come anyways.

"Stopped the Fight joined her. I tried to tell our flockmates to hush, to be quiet, for all of us to go somewhere less open to have this conversation. But they were just as infuriated as I had been. They wanted to avenge our fallen flockmates and the sanctity of our home. They roared that Swam the Deepest and Stopped the Fight were traitors, that they had brought evil into the Shell. I was given no choice. I told them they were banished and must leave the Shell.

"And they refused."

Suddenly her desperation during my banishment made sense.

"They would not leave the egg they had risked everything for. They tried to ask for permission to stay until you hatched, and then they would leave. I didn't know what to do. I was shocked and exhausted and heartbroken. I begged for them to leave. I told them it would become a fight. I told them others were watching. I told them that several of our flockmates were dead because of them. And, still," she choked up, "They still refused! I had no choice!"

"You had to drive them out yourself," I murmured.

She clenched her eyes shut and hung her head. "Yes. The moment I breathed my fire upon my dearest friend, her mate was on me. And although I screamed over and over at Healed the Hatchling to stay out of it, he couldn't bear to see me outnumbered. He joined the battle. He took a mortal blow—from whom, I don't know. He died without ever having the chance to say goodbye."

I pressed close to her, pushing my head over hers.

"That finally convinced them to go," she croaked. "And while I stood wailing over my mate's body, our flockmates chased them out. When they returned, there were even fewer. They told me that they had completed the banishment. Swam the Deepest and Stopped the Fight were dead."

In one night, her world had tumbled upside-down. In mere moments, everyone she had loved was gone.

All because of me.

She wept, and I joined her, holding her close and hating my mother and father for bringing me into the world at such a cost. For truly making a curse of me. For inflicting me upon everyone who would come to love me.

We clung to each other. I counted the fragile heartbeats between us. The ba-thump, ba-thump, ba-thump was all that mattered. It was all that was left.

Was it truly worth the cost?

Killed the Sea Serpent recovered far faster than myself. She composed herself with dignity, drawing away and sucking in calming breaths.

"I'm sorry, Saw Through Closed Eyes," she said, her voice firm and strong again. "First ones forgive me, I am so sorry. I wanted to tell you, but…" she shook her head. "What good would it do? To tell the so-called cursed dragon she came from a magic-imbued egg?"

I had to take several deep breaths before I could speak a full sentence. "Didn't—didn't the older members of the flock know?"

She shook her head. "No," she said bitterly. "I told them it didn't work. That your egg had still died. That I had smashed it myself." She trembled with the horrible, aching words. "That was reason enough for them to drop the subject, too afraid to approach it after the horrible act that I had 'done'. I checked on your egg regularly, although I couldn't bring myself to lie next to it. I simply lit the coal-fires and left. On the day that you hatched, I was hours too late, and you were freezing and dying. I carried you to the other clutch, and...and since so many of our flock had gone, they were alone. I placed you among the hatchlings, who were all only a few days older than you, and left you there."

"They didn't notice the extra hatchling?!" I asked, flabbergasted. Even blinded in the Under, scent and sight-sounding alone would have made it obvious.

She gave a grim grin. "Fought the Leader was the only one who was taking caretaker responsibility at the time."

"O-oh…" I said. "Oh."

"I suspect she has always known, all these seasons," Killed the Sea Serpent said. "And when one swimling never made it Above, swept away in the undercurrents of the Under before Fought the Leader could catch her, it was all the better. I mourned the lost swimling, and I'm sure she did as well. But to our flock, you were of the original clutch, and they had no other reason to suspect otherwise. To this day, they do not know to mourn one of our lost ones."

I closed my eyes and bowed my head. I would mourn her, the dragon whose sacrifice meant that I could live.

So many lives. I had been a curse upon so many lives.

"Why—" I rasped, my throat sore, "why are you telling me all of this?"

"Because I want you to know why," Killed the Sea Serpent said. "I want you to know you aren't cursed. That you are the way you are for a reason, and that it is not your fault. And…" she took a deep breath. "I want you to find that Outsider."

My eyes snapped open. I gaped at her.

"I believe they will accept you," she said. "Especially since they were so willing to risk their life to save you in the egg. They are of a similar species to us. And…" she averted her eyes. "...because of them, you share their magical ability, as well. I think...I believe...that they will bring you under their wings. They came from the west. Avoid the other Outsiders, who live to the north and east—"

"But they're Outsiders," I gasped. "I don't want to live with them. I don't want to use magic. I want it out of me!"

"And I don't want you to be alone!" Killed the Sea Serpent cried, her eyes a pool of anguish, her voice shrill and shaking. "I don't want you to live the rest of your life unloved and hurting! I don't want you to bear the burden of my mistakes, or your mother's and father's!"

Though she was no longer my leader, I flinched low to the ground, staring at my paws.

She took in a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

I peeked up at her and slowly raised myself back up. "Don't apologize," I murmured. "You've...you've always done everything you could for me. Even now, finding me and telling me all of this…and only so…"

And only so that I would not be alone.

Her words to me, long ago, returned to my ears: I know what it feels like to see no joy in life. I know the feeling that drove you Under, where no dragon can hurt you again. But, please...don't give up.

I'll try, I'd said. But I don't know how...

I threw myself at her. She returned the embrace as if she were the banished one. We held onto each other as if parting would be the death of us.

And maybe, in a way, it was. Because when she was gone, that would truly be the end of it. I had hoped...I had so dearly hoped that she had found me to take me back. Now, in this final dying gasp, with the ghost of the sun lighting the clouds on the horizon, I was terrified. She had always been there, guiding me like an updraft below my wings, keeping me safe and lifting me up. But she could not carry me anymore.

My weight was dragging her down enough.

Yet, the selfishness inside of me strengthened with my fear. Burying my nose in her neck, I whimpered, "Please don't go."

She winced. Held me tighter.

"I'm sorry," I said immediately. "I know you can't. I...I…"

She was so warm. She smelled of moss, sea-salt, home. Comfort, companionship, hope. Joy, friendship, fun. She had been more a mother to me than all the dragons in the Shell, when she could have hated me for all that I did to her.

It was my own grotesque talent, it seemed: to find the best way to drive away all that anyone held dear. I was going to lose her after this precious moment.

What was left, after this?

"I don't…" I stammered, my voice a breath above the wind. "I wish…"

"Come here," she said softly, easing herself down. I curled up against her like a hatchling, and she licked my forehead like I was her own. "Know this, Saw Through Closed Eyes. No matter where you go, I will always carry you in my heart."

My eyelids, heavy with exhaustion from it all, slid closed. "And I with you," I murmured.

When I jolted awake, freezing despite the sunlight shining bright upon me, she was gone.