"The past beats inside me like a second heart."
– John Banville, The Sea
June 29th, 1997 – Thirteen years before the apocalypses
Six-year-old Cecilia was sat in front of her doll house that was almost as big as her. She had one blonde Barbie in her left hand and one brown-haired 'Ken' in her right hand.
It was Sunday, so the little girl was still in her green pyjamas, even when it was almost midday. There were more dolls inside her house, including two kids dolls, three dogs and two kittens.
After a while, Cecilia looked down at the dolls with her bright blue eyes and just sighed. She liked her dolls but didn't enjoy them for long.
Two years ago one of her cousins, Bobby, who was only two years older than her, gave her about fifty toy cars and she loved them ever since. Bobby's older brother, Andrew, gave her his old track race car after he got a new one for Christmas, Cecilia had it next to her doll house.
She smiled when she saw it and crawled towards it, making her beautiful golden curls bounce in front of her face, she sat in front of it, putting one curl behind her ear and then she grabbed the bag where she had all her toy cars.
Her favourite was a red Mini Cooper her mother had gotten her for her last birthday. She grabbed it as soon as she spotted the car and started playing with her toys.
When Carol opened the door of her only daughter's room, she saw her lying on her stomach, mumbling things as she played, she smiled at the little girl as she leant against the light green painted wall, it was previously painted lilac but Cecilia's favourite colour was green and Carol painted her room green after she turned five.
Carol watched her daughter for a few more minutes, loving how she was lost in her own world. She kept mumbling words Carol barely understood and heard. Carol decided she had intruded enough so she slowly closed the door and knocked, before opening it once again, pretending she hadn't been watching the little girl.
Carol opened the door quickly enough to see Cecilia turning her head to look at the door, and when she saw Carol she grinned, stood up and ran to the woman to give her a tight hug.
"Mummy! Mummy!" she exclaimed just before Carol wrapped her in her arms and slowly lifted her up and rested her on her hip as the girl had her small arms around her neck.
The girl was just above average in height, being the third tallest girl in her class but she was really thin and didn't weigh much, Carol could still carry her easily.
"What do you think if we get ready and go out for lunch with Aunt Lauren, and Bobby, Andy and Jennifer?" Carol asked her. "Would you like that Annie?"
It was not until years later when she stopped using her first name and started introducing herself with her second name 'Cecilia', she wanted a new start with a new name, so, during all her childhood and some of her teenage years she was either called Annika or any of its diminutives like Ann, Annie or Anna.
"Yes!" Cecilia, or Annika, as she was called then, exclaimed happily at her mother.
"Let's get ready then."
Carol's shirt was a bit big for her so when she bent down to put Annika back on the floor, the girl could see inside of it and saw a big purple bruise under her collarbone, her smile vanished and was replaced by a frown.
"How did you get that?" Annika asked as she pointed at the spot, Carol looked down and froze when she realized her bruise was revealed, she stood up quickly and made sure her shirt covered her bruise.
"It's nothing, darling," Carol said as she kissed the top of her head. ""Now get dressed or do you need help?"
"No, mummy, I can do it myself, I'm a big girl now."
"Of course you are."
Carol had been physically and mentally abused for quite a while, it started just about a year before she got pregnant, after she told Ed about it he promised to change and he really did but it didn't last forever. When Annika was around two the physical abuse started again, the mental started before Annika turned one, but about a year and a half ago it started to get worse and worse, he even hit his girl once, about a month ago, Carol had tried hard to not let it happen again.
Carol and Ed constantly argued, Ed always found something to get mad about. Carol tried to hide the beatings from her daughter. She never screamed or cried so Annika wouldn't hear and she always hid the bruises so she wouldn't see them.
But she could hear them argue, Annika usually gets in bed and hides under the covers and she closes her eyes tightly and covers her ears to stop that awful sound, sometimes she has also hears things breaking and loud noises like if something heavy falls but she never asks, she doesn't want her parents to know that she knows something is going on.
Annika, still with her mother's bruise on her mind, went to her wardrobe and grabbed a pair of jeans, clean underwear, a light blue T-shirt and a pair of white tennis shoes, the left one had lights every time she took a step.
She undressed and put on the clean clothes quickly, leaving her pyjamas on the floor, she had always been messy, something that always drives Carol crazy. She grabbed a brush and jogged to her parents' room, so Carol could do her hair.
The door was locked, frowning, she knocked on the door. Carol opened the door after about a minute. Annika handed Carol the brush and she immediately understood what Annika wanted. She told the girl to sit on her bed and then she sat behind her.
Carol had wavy hair, which barely reached her shoulders and Ed had straight hair but Annika inherited Carol's mother's lovely curls and Carol's father's hair colour, a light golden blonde shade. Carol was blonde as a kid too, but her hair was darker and now that she was an adult, her hair wasn't blonde anymore, it was brown.
Carol did a high ponytail with Annika's hair, checked her outfit and decided it was acceptable to go out, she just grabbed a jacket for each before walking out of the house to meet her brother, his wife and kids. Jennifer, his only daughter was only three months younger than Annika, but even so, she got along better with his male cousins, Andrew and Robert.
Carol didn't really like her daughter to eat junk food, especially when Ed only ate that and was at least thirty pounds overweight, but her brother had decided to take the kids to a McDonald's, so she had no choice but let Annika eat that crap.
"Anna, Anna!" Andy and Bobby exclaimed as soon as they saw the blonde girl.
Bobby had brown hair and the same eye colour as both Carol and Annika, his father didn't have those eyes but Carol's mother did. Andy had green bright eyes, very light blonde hair and freckles. Jennifer had dark blue eyes and dark brown curly hair.
"Where's Ed?" Carol's brother, Anthony, asked, he did it mostly out of politeness, he was glad he wasn't here, he never liked Ed, even when he didn't know about the abuse.
"Probably watching baseball with his friends," Carol replied, hiding her sadness.
The adults sat down to talked while the four kids went to the playground, Carol looked at her daughter, she was laughing and playing mostly with Bobby. Her perfect ponytail was now loose and going down, more to her left.
"Is everything okay, Carol?" Lauren, her sister-in-law, asked her worriedly. She had been quieter than usual.
"I don't know," she muttered, looking down at her half-eaten hamburger. "I'm pregnant, about three months."
"That's good, isn't it?" Anthony asked her with a small smile.
"We didn't want another kid, Ed isn't even happy about it," Carol told them. "And I'm scared, I don't want to lose this one as well."
Carol had had a miscarriage when Annika was only two years old. Carol didn't tell anyone she lost it due to the beatings that had just started again. She found out about the pregnancy a week before she lost it, the doctors claimed she was around two months and a half.
"That won't happen, Carol," Lauren exclaimed as she put her hand on top of Carol's. "Everything will be alright this time."
Carol knew she couldn't get pregnant again, not when Ed was so abusive and with the years she came to grips with the fact that Annika was going to be her only daughter but now that she was pregnant once again, she was torn. She didn't want to get rid of it but she knew the risk of losing it again was high, Ed had beat her so much more frequently lately.
"We also wanted to tell you something," Anthony nervously said some minutes later after the pregnancy topic was over. "We are going to Disney for this summer vacations and we were wondering if you could let us take Annie with us. Bobby and she are really close."
"But the holidays are only days away," Carol commented.
"We know, we are leaving on the first of August, so still a month to go," Lauren told her. "If you agree, we'll buy her ticket as soon as tomorrow."
"Wow, thank you a lot but I should talk with Ed first," Carol explained.
As the adults talked about the trip, the kids that now were in the ball pool were plotting to stay more time together, oblivious they were going to Disneyland in about a month. Bobby, who was the one with the idea, went to the slide and then ran to the table where his parents and aunt still were, he was followed closely by Annika, Andrew and finally Jennifer.
"Daddy?" Bobby asked a few minutes later, earning the attention of the three adults. "Can Anna come with us and sleep over?"
"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Carol exclaimed as she ran her hand on Bobby's head. "But she has school tomorrow, maybe next weekend."
Not long after, much to the kids' disapproval, lunch was over and everyone had to say good-bye. Annika was upset her mother didn't let her go with her cousins but she happy she could play with them, she almost never saw them.
"You had fun, darling?" Carol asked, once they were in the car, Annika was in the back seat, with her arms crossed, looking out of the window, she was obviously upset.
"Yeah," she muttered, not bothering to look at her mother.
"I know you wanted to go with them but you have school and daddy will be home soon, he will want to see you," Carol said in a kind voice but her daughter still looked upset. "We can go somewhere else next weekend and maybe you can sleep over at their house, just maybe, okay?"
"Really?" Annika asked, her lips slightly turning into a smile. Carol nodded. "Awesome."
"Hey, baby girl, today that you spent time with your cousins, do you think it's fun to have brothers and sisters?"
"Not really," Annika muttered. "Jenny is really annoying, do you know what she does? She hits herself or starts crying out of nowhere and blames Andy and Bobby to get them in trouble."
"She does that?" Carol asked very surprised as she stopped at a red light, giving her time to turn to look at her girl, who nodded. "That's not nice."
"I know and it's similar with some of my friends," Annika said. "Kylie's brother always breaks her dolls and Ashley's sister once glued her hair, she's like twelve and not nice."
Carol bit her lip, she expected her to say she was a bit lonely and would be nice to have a little sibling but she was quite happy to be an only child. Carol decided this wasn't the time to tell her about her pregnancy, she was going to wait longer, which was probably the best. She could lose this baby too and if she did how would she explain it to Annika?
Carol decided to change the topic, asking her about school and her closest friends, Kylie and two boys, Alex and Jacob. Annika spent the whole ride back home talking about them and even told Carol about one prank they did last week on one of their teacher, Carol wasn't that pleased but she chuckled at the story plus her daughter's laugh made her laugh too and warmed her heart.
October 18th, 1997.
Carol was very happy and excited that she hadn't lost the baby and somehow Ed had been trying hard not to lose his temper as often, he was very affected when he heard that the other time Carol had a miscarriage due to the violence, he knew that but he still tried to blame her for what had happened, mostly to ease his guilt.
Carol was now six months and a half along and her belly was quite visible, she couldn't hide it anymore, except to one person, her daughter.
Carol knew what she thought about having a sibling so she had been keeping it from her, especially now that she had had such good times.
Ed took them to Chicago to visit his family once school was over, Annika had seven cousins there and she had a great time. Once they were back, Ed somehow allowed Carol's brother to take her to Disney with his family, she had the best two weeks ever, spending her holidays with her favourite cousin, Bobby.
She started first grade after the summer, where she made new friends and was having such an amazing time, Carol had never seen her daughter so happy that she couldn't bring herself to tell her that she was going to be a big sister soon.
The day before they had celebrated her birthday at school and then her family and neighbours continued the celebration at her house. Her birthday wasn't until October 31st, but with the years they had learnt not to celebrate it that day, no one actually shows up, so they organize a party for her either around 10 days before the actual date or after.
Carol had gotten her a new bike since the one she had was a bit small for her now, but she wasn't going to give it to her until her birthday, which was in thirteen days.
That morning Carol found her daughter sat on the floor of her room, playing with her new toys. Paper and boxes were still all over the place and she still hadn't opened them all. At the moment she was using a toy farm her grandfather had given her, the farm included a horse, some chickens, two pigs, a cow, the farmer and a truck.
"Hi, mummy," Annika muttered when she saw her mother by the door with a big smile on her lips. "Grandpa got me this."
Carol stepped inside and gave her a peck on the top of her head just before she sat on the bed, which was not made yet but Carol wasn't going to scold her for that today, she came here to talk to her and needed her full attention, which sometimes was hard because she was quite hyperactive.
"Darling, can I talk to you for a second?" Carol said in a soft tone, trying her best to hide how nervous she was.
"What is it?" Annika asked, not looking at her mother as she put the farmer inside the truck and played with it.
"Annie, just leave that, I need you to listen to me, okay?"
Annika muttered a vague 'okay' and left the truck on the floor and looked up at her mother, she wasn't that happy that her play time was interrupted but she listened anyway. Carol grabbed her arm and pulled her up, making her sit on the bed next to her.
"Did I do something wrong?" she asked, noticing Carol's smile was gone.
"No, sweetie, you didn't do anything, I just wanted to talk to you."
"Okay."
"Annika, darling," Carol muttered as she grabbed one of her daughter's hand. Annika already knew this was serious because Carol almost never calls her Annika, it's always Annie or Ann. "You are going to have a baby sister or baby brother soon, isn't that great?"
Carol smiled brightly at the blonde girl, trying to make everything cheerful but Annika just stared at her, frowning a bit. She said nothing for a long while, it was obvious she wasn't happy. She removed her hand from Carol's and crossed her arms in front of her, almost glaring at her mother.
"I don't want that," she muttered in a low tone as she looked down at her lap.
"It's going to be awesome, Annika. You will have someone to play with, it will be fun."
One of her friends had a one-year-old sister and she had been at his house when the baby just started crying no stop, then his other sister, who was four, started crying as well, it was crazy. She didn't want that.
"Jacob's sisters aren't fun," she muttered.
Brothers and sisters were nothing more and nothing less than annoying. All she knew was that babies cry all the time, they don't speak, walk or go to the bathroom. And they demand attention all the time, poor Jacob barely gets attention now that he has two little sisters. She didn't want that, she wanted her parents' attention all by herself.
Plus once they grow up they steal your toys, break them, keep them and do anything to get the older siblings in trouble, like Jennifer does with Bobby and Andy.
"You will see once I have this baby, I agree that siblings can be a pain in the a... uh, well, yeah. I understand that, I lived it with Anthony and I was the younger one but they can also become your best friends, your allies. You love Bobby, don't you?" Annika nodded. "He's your cousin and siblings are something like that, you'll see."
"What if they are like Jennifer?"
"I can assure you this baby won't be like Jennifer, besides, she's nice, she's just... spoiled. She has two older brothers, she needs to survive, you know?"
Annika didn't say anything else, she was pretty upset. She never thought she would be in a situation like this and she hated it. She wasn't a spoiled girl but she usually had Carol's attention whenever she wanted and she didn't want that to change.
After Carol left, Annika closed the door and sat with her back against it, resting her elbows on her knees. She wasn't in the mood to play anymore, she would throw everything all over the room if her father wasn't in the house, she would get in trouble for making such a mess, so instead, she asked for permission to play outside with her neighbour Tommy, luckily Tommy's mother took care of them as they played outside, allowing Annika to spend some time away from her mother.
January 03, 1998.
Carol was just a week away from her due date, she had found out the gender a month ago but didn't tell her daughter, knowing it will only make her even more upset.
Two weeks after Halloween and Annika's birthday they moved into a bigger house, it was closer to Carol's brother and to one of Ed's best friend so it was a win-win situation for everyone, except for Annika, who was going to go to another school this semester because the one she used to attend was now a bit too far.
"We can take care of her," Anthony assured her little sister. He and Lauren were visiting Carol, making sure everything was okay. "So you and Ed can focus on the new baby."
Anthony had offered to let Annika stay with him and his family for around two or three weeks while Carol settles with the baby. It had been a couple of rough weeks for her. Annika hadn't been going to school because of Christmas holidays and Carol was so tired, she didn't want to admit it but the pregnancy was taking a toll on her, especially with Annika's attitude and behaviour lately.
Annika was usually a sweet, nice little girl. She often has lots of friends and is well liked by everyone, including her teachers but ever since she was told about the new baby she started to behave bad in both, school and home, but only when Ed is at work, leaving Carol alone in the house. She had started to be rude, not only to Carol but to teachers and her classmates.
Carol knew her daughter was just craving attention and that phase was going to be over eventually but she was so exhausted that she didn't need more things to deal with, so she gladly accepted Anthony's offer.
Annika's behaviour was more than evident when they moved and she saw the room of the new baby, Lauren helped Carol painting it and decorating it. Annika's room in this house was painted white and she hated it, she asked Carol to paint it green but she said she would do it after the baby was born, making Annika really upset and even if she didn't want to admit it, jealous.
But it was not until Christmas when her behaviour worsened a lot. The baby wasn't even here but she noticed how all her relatives, even the ones she didn't even recognize, gave the baby presents, lots of them and often talked about it, making her feel not important any more.
Annika was used to the attention from the adults. She was a gorgeous girl, her beautiful face and blonde lovely curls attracted people's attention but it was her light blue eyes and cheeky smile that captivated them. Plus she was a nice and outgoing girl, people just adored her.
But that day, even when people paid attention to her they mostly talked to Carol about the baby and for once, Annika didn't have a smile on her face during Christmas. She barely spoke when she was talked to.
She and Bobby planned to bring the Christmas tree down but it was too heavy and big and they were caught doing it by Lauren, they were grounded for the rest of the night.
"I don't know what to do with her," Carol admitted. "It's like my little girl is gone and replaced by a spoiled brat. She has never been like this."
"It's not easy," Lauren exclaimed. "It will slowly go away, you just have to be firm and let her know that what she's doing is wrong. And also show her that you love her, that this baby won't change that because that's what she thinks. She believes she's going to be replaced."
"Do you think it's a good idea to take her with you? What if she thinks I'm giving up on her?"
"We will make sure she doesn't think that. We will just make her have a good time.
The adults looked at their kids, who were playing in the living room, while they were drinking coffee and eating some cake in the dining room. Annika was laughing and playing with Bobby. She hadn't laughed like that in months and Carol knew then that if she spent some days with Bobby while she was taking care of the new baby it would be okay, even better for her than to let her stay at home.
It was then when Carol felt a sharp piercing pain in her lower abdomen, making her drop the fork. She tried to ignore it but a second wave of pain overwhelmed her only some minutes after the first. She clenched her stomach and closed her eyes tightly as she felt the pain a fourth time.
"I think the baby's coming," she muttered weakly, making her brother start to panic.
"I'll drive you!" he exclaimed quickly, setting his half-empty cup of coffee on the table.
"No!" Lauren said quickly. "She'll never make it to the hospital if you drive, I'll take her and you stay here with the kids, maybe call Ed to let him know."
Ed was usually gone all day on Saturdays, she spent half the day working and the other half drinking beer with his friends. Luckily it was still early so he wasn't drunk yet or they hoped so.
Anthony called him and told him Lauren had taken Carol to the hospital while he was looking after Annika, whose happy mood was over as soon as she was told where Carol was going and why. She went to her room and lied down on the bed, not wanting to play anymore.
She spent that night at her uncle's house, sharing the room with Bobby. She was told the baby was born around 5:00 p.m. but she wasn't told if it was a girl or a boy, Carol wanted to be the one to tell her that.
It was not until Monday, two days after Carol gave birth that Anthony took his niece to the hospital. She didn't want to go and refused to walk, so Anthony had to picked her up so he could get her out of the car. Anthony carried her all the way to Carol's room, she was on the bed with the newborn in her arms. Carol smiled when she saw her older daughter even she had her face buried in the crook of Anthony's neck.
"Annie," Carol muttered. "Won't you give me a kiss? I've missed you."
The girl shook her head but didn't look up at Carol, who sighed. Anthony offered her a sympathetic smile. Annika was taking it worse than they ever imagined.
"You have a sister, Annie," Carol told her in a cheerful way as she looked down at her newborn. "Her name is Sophia."
Some minutes later a nurse walked into the room, took the baby in her arms and walked out with Sophia in her arms. It was then when Anthony finally set Annika on the floor, who just wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her head in his stomach, refusing to look at Carol.
Anthony forced her to turn around and face her mother, Annika just looked at the ground. He then pulled her closer to the bed, so Carol could reach her hand and grabbed it, Anthony noticed how tensed the little girl got, making him frown.
"I love you, Annika" Carol said as she kissed her forehead. "Never forget that."
Annika still wouldn't look at her mother, Carol's smile slightly faded but she was still happy to see her. When Carol was about to give up to try to talk to Annika, she unexpectedly took a big step forward and jumped on Carol, wrapping her small arms around Carol's neck. The woman was so shocked, she hadn't been hugged for months and didn't really think the girl was going to hug her any time soon. Carol's eyes watered, she was super sensible, as she hugged her little girl tightly.
"I love you too, mummy," she mumbled, Carol barely heard her but she was glad she did. Carol only tightened her hold on her.
"You'll stay a few days with Uncle Anthony, alright?" Annika nodded. "The baby won't do anything else than cry so you'll do better with him, okay? Don't think I'm giving you away, okay?"
The girl said nothing but she nodded at Carol. She was actually happy she got to spend time Bobby and Andy, but still she pretended to be really upset about it. She was glad she didn't have to spend time with the baby.
April 10th, 1998
Annika got back home around 5:00 in the afternoon when Jacob's mother dropped her at her house after she and Jacob spent the day at Jacob's house once school was over. Since Annika moved, they hadn't seen each other often but they had remained friends despite that.
As soon as she walked in she heard her now three-month-old sister crying. She rolled her eyes and went to her room, letting her backpack drop to the ground as Carol thanked Jacob's mother, Alicia. Annika closed the door of her room and lied down on her bed.
Annika still hadn't come to grips about being a big sister. She still wasn't happy about it and now she barely saw her father, who now spent days, even a whole week with his friends so he wouldn't have to deal with his baby. Carol hated that he was acting like that but at least she hadn't been beaten, she barely saw him.
Annika still saw her father as her hero and hated not having him around. He was never that affectionate but she loved him. He had hit her only two or three times but it wasn't that bad, Carol got in the way in time and sent her to her room; children are forgiving and Annika soon left those isolated events in the past, of course that in the near future those events wouldn't be so isolated.
Sophia kept crying, Annika could perfectly heard it even when the door was closed and she had her pillow over her head, trying to stop the sound but it was in vain, with a sigh Annika threw her pillow at the wall out of frustration and sat up and got out of bed, storming towards Sophia's room. She pushed the door further opened and walked in, leaning on the side of the crib looking at the now red-faced baby.
"Shhh!" Annika muttered in a desperate tone, trying to get her to stop crying "Shh, Sophia, just stop crying."
Sophia was a beautiful baby and so different from her older sister. She had medium blonde hair and apparently it was going to be straight. Her eyes were a blueish grey colour but as she got older they were getting darker, Carol believed Sophia's eyes were going to be green but she couldn't be sure. Sophia was a mix of Carol and Ed while Annika was a mix of Carol and her family, she inherited almost nothing from her father.
It seemed like forever to Annika, hoping for her mother to get Sophia to stop crying, she was still talking to Alicia. Annika sighed and lowered the side of the crib and carefully held the little baby. Annika sat down on the floor in the middle of the room and attempted to silence her and after about a minute Sophia stopped crying.
Annika had refused to hold her sister, even refused to hold her hand or touch her in any way but she was desperate and cranky because of Sophia's cries, she had to do something. Sophia reached for Annika's hand and managed to hold one of her fingers. Annika felt something inside of her, something good and in a way she didn't like it, she hated Sophia and she couldn't afford to get attached but right now her heart was melting. But that was something she would never admit.
Carol walked inside the door, looking shocked at her two daughters. She covered her mouth to stop the gasp from escaping as she saw Annika holding little Sophia in her arms, something she hadn't done yet.
Annika felt her presence and looked up at Carol's direction. Her face turned into a frown immediately and demanded Carol to take Sophia, Carol didn't. Instead, she sat in front of Annika, stroking her shoulder.
"I just wanted her to stop crying," the girl muttered in a mad tone. "My head hurts."
"It's okay to open your heart, Ann," Carol told her.
Carol crawled closer to Annika, who kept telling Carol to take Sophia from her. Carol wrapped her arms around the girl, ignoring her requests. She kissed the top of her head and enjoyed this moment, having both her daughters together, something she hadn't had the chance to experience yet.
"I love you, Annie," Carol whispered. "I love you both so much."
So, a little insight into Cecilia's past. I hope that even when there was no Daryl and no action, you guys like the chapter.
Since February or so I had stopped writing this story, right when they find Gabriel and stay at the church. I tried for two weeks to write and it wasn't until three days ago that I finally could. I'm so happy I got the inspiration again.
Anyway, please comment :) Thank you!